Daligal's Attempt at Dating

[lady00]

I think that it's better to talk to many people at once rather than zeroing in on one way too early. I see why you would worry about this potentially coming up as a problem in the future though...I do see, from time to time, threads on ENA where the poster is having a difficult time choosing between two different people, wanting to continue dating both, and wondering if it's OK to do that. I think it's really a judgment call that no one else can really help too much with because if you end up in that situation, only you know the dynamics of those interactions. Only you can figure out what you want.

 

It's not always an easy position to be in, but I think it's a tradeoff--you either risk having that happen, or you focus in and only talk to/date one person at a time, which I think can be even riskier in terms of taking a long time to find someone who you really work well with and potentially putting all your eggs in one basket and getting hurt.

[Daligal83]

Haha thanks for posting lurker jk

 

Yea you're right, I'd rather increase my chances and talk to more than one person. I'm still really only interested in two people right now, although have more that I'm "talking" to. Now I'm wondering about "red flags." Like when I get sent must have's...I'm worried about the sexual ones. One guy's said he wants someone sexual mature and experienced and blah blah blah. One other said cannot stand someone who doesn't like to have sex on a regular basis. Those things worry me. I don't even know where I fall because in the past I've had a very low sex drive with my boyfriends, but I don't know if it was me or the relationships. The first one, he was a jerk. The second, the sex sucked.

 

Also, I'm texting one guy and I'm slightly disappointed he didn't ask to meet this weekend. We are both kind of busy so that could be why. I'll wait and see what happens for next weekend, but I've already let him know I've got a party one of those nights. I might just bite the bullet and ask him because I don't want to wait forever before meeting.

[Daligal83]

It's time to use nicknames. The one I've been texting, but he hasn't asked me out..he's M1. Now there's M2 who I started talking to at the same time, so far only through eharmony though. I got an email from him today asking me out! We're going to meet either Saturday or Sunday afternoon. He said we could do lunch or something else on Saturday or maybe watch the Bills game on Sunday. I warned him that if we watch the Bills game, I will be wearing a jersey and that may not be the best first date impression haha. So I'll let him decide. And there's this guy J that I'm really clicking with. He seems a little eager, but I try not to judge someone through the computer too harshly. We have a ton in common though.

 

Now there's this guy K...he's 9 years older and has two kids. I was hesitant but proceeded because I want to explore options. He called me "sweetie" in his last email and we've only had like two each. I can't stand that! Don't throw affections around so easily, you don't even know me. Plus, and I hate to sound like a snob, but I can tell he's not very educated. I have no problem dating someone who may not have a higher education because I believe you can be intelligent without it and can be not the sharpest tool in the shed with it. But sometimes he just puts words in where they don't make sense and his grammer is awful. I'm not really sure how to go about closing a match in the middle of communicating via emails. I feel so rude. There's another guy, C, who is nice but I'm not feeling the chemistry with. He'll go on and on about himself and then ask me like one or two questions about me at the end. And another guy, T, doesn't even ask me about myself! That one will end soon.

 

Anyway, there's my update!

 

OH! So remember that guy I met at my friend's wedding? I think I talked about him on here and how we just suddenly stopped talking. I thought it had to do with pictures I put up of me dancing with guys at another wedding. And I wasn't sad it ended because I was feeling suffocated in a long distance situation that couldn't go anywhere...not good! Anyway, I talked to that friend that got married and she asked me about it. Apparently he told them that I just stopped returning his phone calls all of a sudden. NOT TRUE!! I would never do that. I hate having those conversations, but I would suck it up and have it. I wouldn't just not call him back. I just stopped initiating. He's so weird.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ugh I HATE it too when guys just throw around those pet names.. Like they think it'll make you like em, just because you got called sweetie or sexy or worse... babe! Lol.

 

How did things go at the party. Bump into the ex?

[Daligal83]

I didn't go to the party yet. It's for New Years so I have a few more weeks haha. One of my girlfriends that I grew up with might be coming with me so that would help. My mom keeps saying she thinks he's not over me...and since I don't think she's talking to him directly, I wonder what she's hearing through the grapevine.

 

In other news, J has asked me to go from emailing to talking on the phone. He definitely is eager. In his emails, he keeps saying how much he likes the thing I say and gives me "gold stars" for things lol. I'm curious what he'll be like away from the computer because I feel like emails don't accurately depict someone's personality.

[Daligal83]

So I've gone on two dates. One with M3, who I didn't talk about yet. We met up last night at a coffee shop for about 2 1/2 hours. It was a good time, but no like sparks flying. He is really funny and seems like a good guy, so I'd go out again if he asked but I'm not waiting for his call. Today I met M2 at another coffee shop and I had a good time. I think he's a little shy and if I got to know him better he'd be a little more relaxed. I really like his personality though and he asked me out again for Thursday and I said yes.

 

Now J and I have talked on the phone. He talks..A LOT. More than me and I can talk up a storm. It's a little overwhelming. At times I felt like I didn't even need to be on the phone. And he freely admits that he talks a lot lol. Anyway I just got a voicemail from him asking if I wanted to go watch the hockey game with his friend and girlfriend tonight. I already have plans, but it makes me think that he's kinda nervous if he'd rather have the first meeting be with his friends.

[Daligal83]

I don't know what to do with J. He's a really nice guy, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by him. He seems want to talk every day, which is not something I like to do until I'm in a relationship. And even then I can go a day with just a little texting. He called for the first time on Thursday, wanted to call on Friday but I told him I was busy, called Saturday, called Sunday. Last night he goes, I'll let you call me next (he wanted to practice answering the phone in a funny way...), yet he's already texted me this morning. And he invited me to a hockey game on the 9th. I get the feeling he's a little socially awkward and that I might be the only one he's talking to off of eharmony.

 

Would it be horrible if I gave it a couple more conversations and if I'm still feeling the same way, explain that I'm not really feeling the chemistry and don't think we should continue talking? I feel bad because he seems so into it. But I don't want to lead him on if I'm not feeling the same way. I wanted to meet him in person to see what the chemistry was like, but I don't think waiting until the 9th is a good idea. Plus that is a VERY long first date.

 

Any thoughts?

[annie24]

i agree, hockey is a bit too much. i would just tell him you'd rather prefer to meet for the first time sooner and shorter?

 

i get what you mean about him being 'too much.' would you still be interested in meeting him?

[Daligal83]

I go back and forth. Mostly because I wanted to give it a chance in person, but the more we talk the more I'm unsure. I mean we do have a lot in common and he seems like a really nice guy. It's just the "too much" part and some social awkwardness that is making me second think. Then on the other hand, I don't want to sell someone short. I just don't know if I can deal with social awkardness. And when we talk, I want to get off the phone and I can tell he doesn't.

[annie24]

well, do whatever you think is right.

 

from my experience with match, if i felt that way before meeting a guy, then usually meeting him in person 'cemented' my opinion of him. so, it just depends. i don't know. if you want, go ahead and meet him for a coffee, as long as you don't think it's a waste of your time.

[Daligal83]

I should probably just end it now. I just don't want to hurt him. I don't think he has the mentality that you shouldn't get attached until you actually meet the person. He's acting like a boyfriend already. But the fact that I'm not excited when he calls or texts, well that's just not a good sign. I just don't know how to go about it without hurting him.

[annie24]

But the fact that I'm not excited when he calls or texts, well that's just not a good sign. I just don't know how to go about it without hurting him.

 

i would just write him an email saying thanks for contacting me, but i don't feel the spark sufficient to warrant an in-person meeting. tell him you wish him well on his dating journey.

 

so, yeah. i agree about the 'feeling of excitement.' with the guys i dated more seriously i met online, i for sure, felt some sort of 'excitement' when they called or contacted me - even before we met! i knew something was 'special' there. with other guys, i just didn't feel excited before the date, and then yeah, the date was blah/normal and then no 2nd date.

[Daligal83]

You think it's OK to do it over email even though we're not emailing anymore?

[annie24]

i would. that's just me though.

[lady00]

Email is better for something like this, I agree.

[Daligal83]

Yea I think you guys are right. I'll send it tomorrow. I didn't call him today, but he texted me twice. It's just too much for someone I've never actually met. I'll just write that he's a really nice guy with a lot to offer, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry and that I hope he finds someone who makes him happy.

 

I feel bad, but it's just overkill. I mean he says he'll let me call him next, and when I don't call he texts me twice in one day. Well the first text was before I even had a chance to call. It was at like 9 AM. This is the part of dating that I hate.

[Daligal83]

Well that didn't exactly work. I sent him the message and he called me shortly afterward leaving a long voicemail saying how I didn't give it enough of a chance since we didn't even meet in person. He said he's confused and usually doesn't take this kind of thing lightly because if he seems something he wants, he goes after it. He said he was going to send me a message and hope that I call him back so we can talk it through because if I give him a chance he thinks that there could be something.

 

I'm sure I'm leaving out some of his points.

 

So I'm obviously not going to call him back. Should I message him back on the site when I get his? I mean this is kind of solidifying my desire to not want to talk to him. He's trying WAY too hard for someone, as he pointed out, he hasn't even met yet.

 

I really really really hate this. I feel like a jerk but I feel like he's going overboard.

[lady00]

I would just ignore it at this point. If you reply in any way he will try to argue with you that your decision is wrong.

[Daligal83]

Yea I have no plans on answering him. I just always worry that I'm going to hurt someone or not treat them right. I just talked to my sister though and she assured me that I handled the situation very well and he is overstepping boundaries. Thank god I didn't meet this guy.

[annie24]

i agree with overstepping bounds. if you already feel he is pushy, imagine what he is like in person!!! besides, if someone doesn't what to meet me, why argue with them? just move on! he should definitely move on. i think it's appropriate that you don't need to email him a power-point presentation on why you don't want to have a first date with him. (though that might be hilarious!!!)

[Daligal83]

AHAHAH I could make a really good one with visual representations...mostly pictures of me running away scared. I haven't done one of those for awhile.

[lady00]

That would be an awesome way to pass the down time at work if you have any!

[Daligal83]

I do right now actually. I work at a school and the kids and teachers are off but I still have to work. BORING!

 

So he sent the message. Still saying that I didn't give it a change and maybe we are "too compatible" and that I'm exactly what he's looking for. He thinks there's something deep there and that initial chemistry is overrated. Lets see...he went on about how he's very emotional and really believes in love.

 

I'm pretty creeped out. If he's saying I can't judge based on chemistry and not meeting yet, how can he be this intense about everything already. He's making judgments based on just as little, they're just the opposite of mine. I'm just ignoring. I don't like dating over-emotional guys. I've done it and I'm just not that emotional and can't handle it.

[annie24]

it's not even you being "emotional!" he should respect that you have feelings as well, and that you have a right to turn down a first date for whatever reason. just because he is 'feeling it' doesn't mean you are as well.

 

this guy sounds like he can turn into a stalker. yikes. stay away!

[DN]

This guy is creepy. Being that insistent having been turned down shows a very controlling mindset.