Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[IAmFCA]

Two odds and ends

 

- TY: Your implicit directive re church got me to go. I've been avoiding it since Dad.

 

- FWIW Am addressing my reactive impulse at its source and replacing with a stronger foundation & different skills. Its like whack-a-mole. I usually win. Those suckers show me something new on occasion and get ahead of me.

 

That's all.

[melody147]

i used to think that i was kinda pretty, nice, funny, smart. then, in spite of promises of marriage, you left me for my 19 year old friend. and you're 30.

i feel like im missing something

what did i do

what is so wrong

repulsive about me

that u left our 3 years of being best friends

for 3 weeks with her.

[Piaresssss]

I wonder how long you planned on leaving me. Then let me think there was a chance of getting back togethere. Thing is you still didnt tell me this. You told someone else like you always did. You are a bad person and i dont want to be your friend

[OverLife2018]

I know I can never take back what I did to you, what I promised I would never do but I want you know that I am truly sorry for cheating on you. You really were, and still are, my soulmate and I'll always love you from the bottom of my heart.

 

The person that did that to you wasn't the real me, he was a horrible and depressed man, that could only see the negatives and restraints in his life. He stopped me from seeing how perfect our lives were and would've been. I can't stop thinking about what I've thrown away. Our wedding, our marriage, our children. I threw it all away for nothing.

 

I don't expect you to get any real consolation from this but I hope it helps you understand the place I was in mentally at that time. Life was just getting to much for me and all I wanted to do was drink this or sniff that to escape reality. I had a drink nearly every morning before work. I'd numb myself with pain killers. I kept telling myself I should just end it, kill myself, but I knew deep down I couldn't put you through that and cause so much pain. So instead I focused on the negatives in my life and convinced myself that I was trapped, that I wanted more. All I really wanted was to not face up to responsibilities. I was scared that one day I might actually decide to end my life, maybe we'd be married, maybe we'd have kids and it scared the hell out of me. I hated myself for feeling this way and beat myself up over it again and again. I was on a spiral and this time I did the worst thing I could've, I betrayed you.

 

I wish I'd gotten the help I needed before after I'd spent a night in the cells for assault. I wish I hadn't lied to you about going to counselling. I wish I'd told my GP the truth back then and not said I had anger issues. I've been severely depressed for so long I didn't even realise it was an issue anymore. I though suicidal thoughts were normal for everybody and you just dealt with it.

 

I never expect you to forgive what I did but I hope this helps you to see what I've been going through, what I hid from you out of fear of being a burden. I know I've ruined our lives but I really hope one day we can start to rebuild it together so I can give you the life you deserve.

 

I'll never stop loving you. You're my world.

[OverThinker21]

Ugh! I bet that girl you had sex with 5 days after I broke up with you was worth it!!! How can you say you love me but do that so quickly!!! I bet she’s feeling all high and mighty now, “oh you left me cause you got into a relationship, but I’m guessing that relationship didn’t work out well for you because here you are in my bed once again” but then have the nerve to come back to me and make me beggg for you after you ed her. If I knew you ed her I wouldn’t have begged and begged for you back. I would have just not try to “work things out” knowing you can have someone in the sack so ing fast. Thinking about if you smelled good for her, wore my favorite outfit for her. Ugh. How you can even do it with her on Christmas. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME. Then take her out the next day to the bar for drinks to make it seem like you “didn’t use her” maybe you didn’t, maybe you wanted to feel good with her

 

But yet here I am.... retaliating. Going to use one of my friends so I wouldn’t be able to throw it in your face, full of resentment, anger, broken, hurt, sad, all of the above, because you let me just cry and cry after telling me when all you could have done was just hold me.... And Instead i just stooped to your ing level.

 

& I still can’t get over you ing someone so quickly.

I’m sorry we let it get to this. But I won’t be able to get over any of this. I get how it’s so easy for you to let go of the past, but all that just feels like a yesterday, and a yesterday of tomorrow.

I’m numb. Can’t smile and laugh around you anymore.

Omggg

[IAmFCA]

I've said what I need to say.

 

It just feels wrong. It feels wrong. My best choice is turn the corner and become my next self. I will hope you miss, want, raise a hand. I will hope. The sooner I stop hoping, the better. Turn the corner.

 

I hurt. I know you hurt. But you created a new path and that's that. Maybe shes a friend already, maybe she will stick. Her timing is right. You are ready now. You weren't, when we met. My prayers will be for guidance to the proper outcome. Would I be bowled over if you were to reconnect? Oh, yes. Yes I would. Very much. But that's fantasy.

 

I HAVE to close this door. Have to. Have to close it without showing you its lock.

 

Thank goodness you can't see me or hear me. What you saw was my (test) invite, my TY for the straightforward decline. Your words did not say Another time. Its so over over over. You know I am dribbling out and you're being nice about it. I'll not hear from you, unless she doesn't work, and then only maybe. But she will work out. You will make sure of it. You risked me for it and you knew I was expensive. You never stumble, but you did because you knew.

 

I just flashed forward to graduation, two of you there. Suck.

 

Well. I have time to deal with that.

 

I'm done droning on. I'm bored of myself.

[sunshine34]

I was feeling wonderful yesterday. I felt empowered, confident, happier... today I miss you and I’m feeling sad and lonely. Not for who you are and how u were to me, because that was sincerely awful. But for the fantasy and dream I had for us that never came true. The one where we travel together and play in the snow.. where we can be free and happy. Where you let yourself love me. I think that is the worst part of all of this for me, that I convinced myself you were holding back, that you really could let go and love me. But when I go back and read my notes from October , I realize it’s always been this way: that you aren’t holding back, I’m seeing something that isn’t there. It’s dangerous how romantic unfulfilled love is. How alluring and painful it is. The words do hurt , the ones I can’t forget.. “I never told you I was going to marry you. You knew I was an ” that conversation was so bad, I think I’ve blocked out parts of it in my mind. Selective amnesia because it hurts too much to see how little you cared about me. I think maybe you just liked how much I would’ve done anything for you , you liked the power you had over me.. you knew I would do whatever you wanted and I was completely yours. Totally and fully, without it being reciprocated. I’m upset at myself for letting it drag on, for letting me fall and now have broken pieces when I knew this all along about you. That you are right about, and I take responsibility for staying.. I guess I really believed one day you’d let go , as if there was some sort of wall you had up to begin with . I think maybe you’re just an evil, selfish person.

[IAmFCA]

I don't want to tell you these things but I want you to know them.

 

Am peeling off layers of depression. 2016 was no prize. 2017 stunk up the place. Now that I've unblocked my emotions, tears are close to the surface. I am sorry for however that impacted my choices.

 

I am glad to be on the road to finding someone to have fun with. I still want that to have been you. Its just faith x 1,000 that it turns out however it is supposed to, and I know your personality may have suppressed mine over time. But I really truly could love you if you invited me to, and love you hard.

 

I still wonder if I ever will even as I know I won't. You are a problem I never solved. I am a problem you never solved. Its bothersome. We ought to just get after it.

[Honeycomb8]

I thought about u just now and felt curious about you were. Not sure if unblocking u after nearly 4 months is the best idea. Buttttttt sometimes we do things we don't understand.

[Hula567]

Remember the guy who took you into his home and shared his love, his space and time with you? The guy who you told you wanted to have a future with? I remember in the end you told me that you care about me and that I was your friend. But then you just cut me out of your life completely. And you made me say things out of desperation you even made me propose to you. That was something I did in the moment and I hope you know that it was never how I truly felt. You were the one pushing for all this. Children and marriage, and I said it to try to change your mind because of how weak I was in the moment. I wouldn't have married you or even thought about it unless you show me some love and respect which you never did in the entire relationship. Remember that one time I asked you to talk one time a few weeks after the breakup? That would have been the right time to quickly speak and I would have felt better for months. I asked you why you cut me out of your life entirely and you said you didn't and that you just needed more time before we could have a conversation. Now it has been months, and the guy who was there for you for all this time selflessly, supporting you for months is still suffering from panic attacks every day. You still never reach out to me to speak and I don't understand why. I don't miss you or the relationship. I hope you understand that I was over that months ago. But the way you walked out of my life like all we had has never happened, is somerhing I would really like to understand. You made me write you instead of letting me talk. You treated me like garbage as soon as you didn't need me anymore. You know my past and you know what you are doing to me every day you just ignore everything we shared. Did you want me to suffer like this? Or you just never cared about my feelings? You are ashamed of using me for months and not contributing much in return? Were you that desperate to find someone to have children with? You know I couldn't afford taking care of you anymore. I tried, I gave you all and you just step on me like this. Please explain all this. I know we aren't compatible that is not reason enough to treat me like this. I know I wasn't always nice, but I took care of you and you don't appreciate it at all. I hope you never find love again, I hope you won't have children either. I hope you are lonely and unhappy until you die!

[IAmFCA]

Let's just put this out there. You are -er than many. Richer than. hotter than. sexier than. smarter than. more confident than. ... I want it.

 

I am finding men in transition still. My pics will help.

 

This means I am in transition. hm

[IAmFCA]

Let's just put this out there. You are -er than many. Richer than. hotter than. sexier than. smarter than. more confident than. ... I want it.

 

I am finding men in transition still. My pics will help.

 

This means I am in transition. hm

 

Your vocal emphasis on the word - you knew exactly what I meant when I thanked you for it.

 

You made me level jump.

 

Gosh dang you are the person who can answer my question.

 

Ok. I will blog here to frame the question. Maybe I'll never ask you.

[Bumblebee093]

You're an idiot. I hope im on your mind and it's just as painful for you as it has been for me.

 

You're an idiot for stringing me along and playing with my emotions while in a "relationship" - the relationship you jumped into a week after we split, we was together for 10 years. Shows how heartbroken you "really" was.

 

I hope memories still flood back about me and you realise how effed up this is and what you've lost. I've tried.

 

 

YOU.ARE.AN.IDIOT. :)

[IAmFCA]

Well, hindsight tells me I offered you the dregs of me. I guess two years of multiple deaths will do that to a person. So, that's on me.

 

I am going to be fast. I am going to be happy. You are going to see it in my face. When I win, you will know. I am not sure how, maybe I will have to tell you my dang self, but you will know. You will be glad for me. By then, maybe I won't care, but right now, I want you to think, oh dang. I should have hung on to that.

 

Its all good though. I know where I am going. It is going to get better from here. I feel it.

 

I see my shadow life with you in it, everywhere. I would have liked seeing this movie with you. The fish was good too. I am glad to be done with you. Forced me out. Before this weekend is over, I will have had 5 dates/meets. I am hurt. I also am happy as a clam. (That is a funny saying!)

 

None of them are you, its true. In some ways, my dear, that is a good thing.

 

My father died, you know? It matters. You don't know. But, you will, in 5 or 10 years. You will know. So much about me you will discover by looking in your rear view mirror. Pity. Ill be gone by then, you will have only your memory.

[Dominique]

I still miss you. I really wish I didn't.

[sputnik123]

What do you want?

[IAmFCA]

What do you want?

 

Well yes, that's what I was just thinking.

 

Then I realized... its what do I want. That is the question.

[OverThinker21]

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

[IAmFCA]

i get

 

smiley face. Which is what, yes? no? dodge?

 

it's all breadcrumbs. Put it in front of my face.

 

over a drink i would tell you of my pain. you would fix it?

i would ask you, how do i explore an issue with you, and you would answer

 

its easier not to bother. i think.

[OverLife2018]

I'm so so sorry my beautiful girl, I can't believe what I've done to you. I love you and I miss you.

 

I've seen a counsellor three times since we split, since I ruined us, and I've had a few realisations of what was going on in my head when I cheated.

 

On the day it happened itself all I wanted was to get out of my mind. I started drinking at 7am, I drank in work for god sake, by 2pm I was wrecked. People keep telling me I did this, I did that, I hit this person, started on this one - I don't remember any of it. Everything feels like a blur. None of it feels like me. It wasn't me.

 

You know I've always been very pessimistic about life, never looked on the bright side, only focused on negatives. That's what I had done since October. I'd lost motivation to train and I fell into a deep depression that I hid from you. I told myself every day that there was no happy ending for me, that I'd end up in a ditch, that I'd kill myself, that I was a pathetic loser and wasn't good enough for you. I didn't earn enough money, I was too fat, I was too ugly. I thought about kids and how I was probably infertile. I told myself these things on a daily basis and it just ate away at the real me, the nice decent me that loves you with all his heart.

 

This put me in such a bad place and I was constantly looking to escape. I'd drink in the mornings and looked at getting some painkillers again to numb myself. I woke up crying a lot, I kept having nightmares that I was dying.

 

I don't know why I slept with that skank, I don't even remember being aware of what I was doing or even who I was. I wasn't there when I did that. It wasn't me, I promise.

 

I know this isn't going to help you after I destroyed your life, our life. I just hope you can see that the person that cheated wasn't me. He was a self destructive that didn't feel anything, didn't care about anything, didn't want to live anymore.

 

I'm getting the help I need now, I'm seeing the dr and a counsellor. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in weeks and never will again. I've started exercising and yoga. I promise you I'm going to get my life together now, I'm going to be the best version of myself. I'm going to do this for you.

 

I don't know whether we have a future together or not but I just want you to know that I'll always be there for you. I'll always love you.

[Seymore]

I'm a little scared. This morning I woke up not feeling much about you. You're still on my mind but something's different. Almost like I'm starting to KNOW I don't want you back, and at the same time beginning to miss missing you. It's like the movie Swingers, where Mikey has been with the pain so long he almost misses it.

 

I'm afraid to forget you. But picturing you in my mind, you're not the idealization you used to be. It's like I know you're not what I thought you were, instead of fighting myself. I almost want to stay stuck in that but at the same time grateful that it feels like a step forward.

[chattygirl]

One of the hardest parts is the complete radio silence since we ended. I know its better this way; the whole “no contact” thing is supposed to be good for healing and all that. My silly ego still won’t shut up about how unimaginable it is that you haven’t tried AT ALL to reach out though. Oh, I’m sure it makes you a better man, you know, for not dropping breadcrumbs and respecting my decision to walk away. I guess on some level I wanted to believe that you would want to come back at some point. It seems less and less likely and quite honestly, I know being back with you would not be a wise thing. So I guess I should thank you for dropping off the face of my earth.

 

I suppose I’m still a little bitter but it is slowly getting to be less so. I’m coming to terms with the fact that you were never really in this relationship for the long haul. I don’t think I was either, that’s the sad part. I get mad when I think about how you said you didn’t see a future with me….but in reality, I didn’t see one with you either. How messed up to be with someone as a kind of placeholder; that’s what it feels like to me now. We were just a temporary place in each other’s timeline’s A chapter or two at best, but we were not meant to be each other’s whole story. What I resent most, is the way you just let things fade slowly and agonizingly...without trying to have a real conversation with me or anything. I tried with you, I really did. I thought we were both aware enough and on the same page when it came to the concept of working to keep a relationship alive. We talked about how in long term relationships, once the newness wears off, its up to both people to work to keep it passionate and alive. But there were no signs of life coming from you, that’s for damn sure.

 

I was willing to do the work, to a point. And I guess that’s where the truth sits. I wasn’t willing to give my all after a while. I can sit here and blame you and say why should I have kept trying or made more effort when you showed no desire to reciprocate. That really disappointed me a lot. But I think I’m getting over that fact. You showed me who you really were when you stopped showing up for the relationship. I should have spoke up sooner, that’s one of my biggest regrets. But for whatever reason, I think I was also holding on, in hopes that maybe something would happen or change and make me feel like we did have a future and that we were meant to be. And since I wasn’t willing to try harder either, it pretty much cements it that I too, checked out of the relationship. I can own that much.

 

I miss some of the little things though. I know that when I get all nostalgic, its more of a longing for the way things were in the beginning. Once that plateaued, I could see how you lost that “new relationship” high and little by little were backing down. It hurts because I did believe that you were sincere. I’m sure you were, in those early days. And my relentless ego persists: why wasn’t it worth it to you to try harder, or to just try, period? What made it so easy for you to let me go? Deep down, I know you probably were counting down the days until I finally said something. Because you certainly were never going to. And that’s the most unsettling part; that I could love and care so deeply for a coward. How did that happen? I’ll always have some good memories and I’m thankful for that. But I feel like a lot of that gets muddied in reflecting on those final weeks….so much cowardice. And that’s how I’ll remember the way it ended, with little more than a cowardly sigh from you.

[IAmFCA]

I said, within a few days you’ll be gone. You protested, drew me close, and then, poof, you were gone. You tried to pretend wanting to see me, and that really was the worst. That fake invitation didn’t make sense, and it felt cheap and disrespectful and dishonest. Why would you do that?

 

Oh, I made it worse, to be sure. A plant had finally been watered, it’s green shoots just coming through the soil, and then crushed under the non-negotiable footfall of your disinterest. A fake invite. Part of a longer pattern. The very thing I said, and you drew me close anyway.

 

Neither of us handled it as best we could. You think it’s nice to say nothing. I think it’s respectful to be told. We have been friends, we have been keenly observant of one another. It is respectful, responsible, and something I would appreciate. Instead you avoided, and I expressed the pain of my discovery as confusion and anger. Predictable. Regrettable. Avoidable.

 

I suggest to you, fwiw, that a direct address is better. The pain will happen no matter what. If you are direct with someone, you can manage the message, state your new goals with each other even if it is only to think kindly of one another. This serves your interests. It protects your option in a way that a fake invite does not. It allows you to float new terms, change ground rules, to be explicit.

 

It would have served your purposes, even if that purpose was to dismiss me entirely.

[sputnik123]

Goodbye and god bless.

[Dominique]

I would give anything to be with u right now. Life is good but my heart aches for you. I love you, Friend. I miss you.

I pray for you and the kids every day.

I'll be ok. But I want you to know you are truly loved. Still.