I am telling her parents

[browneyedgirl36]

Please answer me just one thing. You are all confusing me.

 

Is it wrong to stand up for one's opinions/ideals and not tell openly what you think?

 

Is it wrong to tell a cheater, "I think you're a spineless beast." if you're agaist cheating?

 

Is it wrong? Please, answer me just this and I will leave all of this alone.

 

I simply want to understand what people in this world understand by "standing up for one's opinions"...

 

You have every right to stand up for what you believe in. I stand up for my ideals every single day. I don't believe that this is what you are doing here, though. I believe this is about you trying to get some catharsis -- to unload all of your hurt and anger toward her -- by telling her parents what a rotten person they raised.

 

To use your own example of the cheater: If someone cheated on me, yes, in fact, I WOULD tell him what I thought of him -- whether in person or in a letter or whatever, provided that I was able to find him to do that. However, if I were NOT able to tell him, for whatever reasons (maybe he left the country and I have no idea where he is, for example) I would NOT then go to his parents, friends, etc. and tell them what an awful person he is. I would not post on Facebook about what a cheater he is. I would not call his boss and tell his boss he's unethical. My anger, my issue, would be with HIM, not them. If I did that, it would be out of pure vindictiveness, and honestly, all that does is perpetuate the anger and hurt, particularly if those you disclose this information to do not receive it well.

 

You say that this girl's mother is a powerful person, as is the guy the girl is seeing. Just for the sake of your own well-being, ask yourself if you really want to take the chance that these powerful people might not like what you've said and might retaliate in some way. What if, out of anger, they do something in return -- defame you in some way, interfere with your university education? At the very least, I think they are going to dismiss you as some crazy guy with an axe to grind. At worst, I think you could really end up getting hurt by this.

 

Your issue, as I said before, is with HER. If you haven't already done so, and you really feel you MUST, then tell HER how you feel -- even if you have to do it in a letter or e-mail. If you can't, for whatever reasons, you need to find a way to work through this on your own, for your own sake.

[BusyNAbroad]

But I didn't tell, because I knew I would be doing it, in large part, out of spite, and because I realized that telling wouldn't accomplish anything.

 

It's not the same as your situation, but it has its similarities. So I get that you feel nauseated thinking that you're keeping this secret and protecting her. But you need to move on, and not by trying to hurt her and her family.

 

1) How do you know it wouldn't accomplish anything?

 

2) You don't explain a true reason why I should... You're only talking about spite and MY emotions. But not why it would be wrong for them or what kind of consequences it might have on them.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Tell her what you think of her and her actions..unload it on her, the one who hurt you..but don't drag her parents and family etc into this. This gripe is between the two of you and you can stand up to your ideals by telling her off..but that you should have done when you were still in communication with her, not months down the road when you no longer have had interactions with her. You can stand up for your ideals by saying to yourself that at least you are not with someone like that any longer. You can stand up for your ideals by ranting about her here on ENA where it is all anonymous..but to start "telling on her" to her family and friends is not appropriate.

[BusyNAbroad]

I'll say it.

 

It's wrong for you to go to her parents and tell them everything their daughter has done, including how she has wronged you.

 

If you have issues/problems with her...if you need to defend yourself to her....speak to her and only her.

 

OK, the reason I prefer telling the parents is because I think they have a better bargaining power over her.

 

They give her lots of money and see her as their sweet angel, the apple in her daddy's eye, etc. if this changes perhaps it WILL change things.

 

That's my logic.

 

If I speak to her she won't care or won't even listen.

[BusyNAbroad]

You can stand up for your ideals by ranting about her here on ENA where it is all anonymous..but to start "telling on her" to her family and friends is not appropriate.

 

Could you explain exactly why?

[hockeyboy]

OK, the reason I prefer telling the parents is because I think they have a better bargaining power over her.

 

They give her lots of money and see her as their sweet angel, the apple in her daddy's eye, etc. if this changes perhaps it WILL change things.

 

That's my logic.

 

If I speak to her she won't care or won't even listen.

 

What will it change?

[PsychGirly]

OK, the reason I prefer telling the parents is because I think they have a better bargaining power over her.

 

They give her lots of money and see her as their sweet angel, the apple in her daddy's eye, etc. if this changes perhaps it WILL change things.

 

That's my logic.

 

If I speak to her she won't care or won't even listen.

 

So if YOU tell her, it won't be the same because she may just brush it off. But if you tell her PARENTS, something's gonna go down for sure, & since she has pretty powerful & strict parents, her life will most likely be miserable.

 

Since she won't listen to you, your next option is to go to her parents. You can't get through to her, so you'll use her parents as your voice.

 

With all due respect, I honestly don't believe your motives.

 

You feel like she keeps stepping on you over & over again, so you want to deliver one last final blow, hoping you'll knock her down. What you're not realizing is that it's a really cheap shot.

[BusyNAbroad]

What will it change?

 

Perhaps it will increase the honest communication between her and her parents. I guess she has been stringing her parents along as well, marketing herself as a holy family-woman.

 

If I wrote to her parents in a decent tone, showing concern and honesty, perhaps they will communicate more and she tell the truth, or in either case the parents will be able to have some kind of better influence on her.

 

I don't see her as an adult despite her numeric age, and even if she was, parents always have an upper hand in many situations.

[sophie274]

1) How do you know it wouldn't accomplish anything?

 

2) You don't explain a true reason why I should... You're only talking about spite and MY emotions. But not why it would be wrong for them or what kind of consequences it might have on them.

 

1) Let me guess at what would have happened:

- I tell the friend

- He gets angry at me

- He physically attacks my boyfriend (I'm serious, I think this would have happened)

- He never speaks to my boyfriend again

- My boyfriend never speaks to me again

- Their circle of friends takes sides

 

I guess I felt like I didn't want to cause that much trouble. I see a lot of anger and heartache and not much good coming out of it. Why? Because I would have wanted to transfer my pain to others? Not worth it.

 

2) The consequences it would have for them:

- you cause a huge rift between parents and daughter

 

I'm sorry, I just don't understand why you relish the prospect of saying terrible things about their daughter to her parents. I can't see that this is anything else than a t i t - for tat mentality - she hurt you so you'll hurt her. You can't convince me that you're concerned for her welfare, and your morality argument is pretty shaky (also if this happened when she was 17, 9 months ago, how is she 19 now?) given that you didn't say anything while it was going on.

 

You sound like you want to do it though, so you might as well go ahead. Be prepared for the parents not to believe you, to never talk to you again, for nothing to happen in terms of a lawsuit, and to not feel any better then than you do now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Could you explain exactly why?

 

Perhaps in her mind you did not treat her well and has some gripes about you..would you like her to go to your parents and family/friends and have her air dirty laundry about you to them? Forget about the embarrassment for a moment...would you like if she invaded your parent's life to do something like that? Rather stalkerish and creepy.

[PsychGirly]

And what if her parents don't react to it, since she's an adult now? Will you still feel accomplished? If not, what will you resort to then?

[hockeyboy]

Perhaps it will increase the honest communication between her and her parents. I guess she has been stringing her parents along as well, marketing herself as a holy family-woman.

 

If I wrote to her parents in a decent tone, showing concern and honesty, perhaps they will communicate more and she tell the truth, or in either case the parents will be able to have some kind of better influence on her.

 

I don't see her as an adult despite her numeric age, and even if she was, parents always have an upper hand in many situations.

 

So this is what you need to clear you conscience about? You want to make sure her and her parents communicate about how she behaves with her relationships?

 

It's really not their business, she's an adult...and frankly, it's no longer your business.

 

Everything you've said....sounds like you want to get back at her. That's a normal feeling to have (but you deny it)...but it's what you actually do or don't do that matters.

 

Be the better person.

[BusyNAbroad]

I am fed up with this nonsense about revenge and negative feelings.

 

I just want to close my account with her - 100%. If the parents don't react, then I know that there are also irresponsible parents on this planet... less and less people to trust in my life.

 

I know where they stand, what kind of people they are. Probably just like their daughter.

[PsychGirly]

I am fed up with this nonsense about revenge and negative feelings.

 

I just want to close my account with her - 100%. If the parents don't react, then I know that there are also irresponsible parents on this planet... less and less people to trust in my life.

 

I know where they stand, what kind of people they are. Probably just like their daughter.

 

Why do her parents matter to you? They are not "in your life". You are done with everything that has to do with her.

 

Either way, it seems like you're going to do what you wanna do at the end. I'm not sure what you wanted advice about on here. Seems like you just expected more people to agree with you so you could've built up extra confidence to go through with it.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

You have already made up your mind to tell them, based on what you are saying here. What is it you hope to gain by asking the forum? No one is changing your mind, just go ahead and tell them. No need to argue on ENA about it.

[hockeyboy]

You really have no business with her parents and all you're going to do is probably make them upset. Their daughter is not 13, she's a woman, and there things they don't need to know.

 

You're stuck in your ways though, so do what you want and accept the results.

[BusyNAbroad]

Why do her parents matter to you? They are not "in your life". You are done with everything that has to do with her.

 

Either way, it seems like you're going to do what you wanna do at the end. I'm not sure what you wanted advice about on here. Seems like you just expected more people to agree with you so you could've built up extra confidence to go through with it.

 

I wanted to find realistic pro's and con's about what would happen if I did it, not some cheap talk about me being revengeful or about the issues I have to deal with by myself. I have sorted things out with myself and am in complete harmony with myself and my gut feelings.

I simply would like to know what might happen on THEIR side.

 

In my philosophy of life, every person I met in my life is always "in my life". Every living human being is "in my life", in the sense that I need to know where they stand as a kind of reference point.

e.g. I know that people like A, B and C condone cheating and wouldn't care if other family members cheated. Result: I know I disagree with such people, and I set a specific map or draw a clear barrier between our two standpoints.

It's like knowing what is the political orientation of a person so I know where we stand, what is our ideological distance, etc.

[hockeyboy]

I simply would like to know what might happen on THEIR side.

 

You are probably going to upset her parents.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

We don't know them... you do.

Are they violent people? They might try to kill you or hit you.

Are they weepy? They might cry.

 

What do you care what their reaction is?

 

Well... logically you care what their reaction is because you are trying to stick it to them and her. End of story. Hence the "cheap talk".

[BusyNAbroad]

Their daughter is not 13, she's a woman, and there things they don't need to know.

 

I believe that if a person - adult or not - does things that I consider immoral, then the parents, if not the whole world, should know.

[PsychGirly]

It wouldn't necessarily mean that A,B,& C condone cheating. It would mean that they don't care that you got cheated on. They aren't going to punish their daughter for cheating on some guy (which is all you are to them). If you were married or had kids together, that would be a different story.

 

I would be surprised if her parents didn't laugh at you for what you did. There's a possibility they may even tell the daughter how "spineless" you are for going to her parents about it & that she made a right decision to leave you.

 

You obviously haven't "mapped out" every possibility...

[BusyNAbroad]

I still don't understand why I would be spineless for telling her parents.

 

Wouldn't a good Christian person tell the only responsible persons who have some influence over their daughter ( = parents ) that their daughter is doing something immoral?

 

I am confused.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It's not about being christian, but whatever. If anything, you should tell the man's wife. SHE is the one getting hurt here, not your ex's parents.

 

Tell the wife.

[Honey Pumpkin]

You won't know what the outcome is in any case. You have no link with her. So basically, you'll never know. Can't see the point myself - apart from being a bit spiteful and immature.

 

If you feel that strongly, write to her and tell her. However, it's not really any of your business.

 

I can see your desire to lash out and hurt her; I don't think you have her best interests at heart, you want to hurt her. I think you'll find that the biter will get bit in this case. I'm pretty sure that you will end up being ostracised by any mutual friends, and will enver get much satisfaction from your actions, no matter how much you justify them.

 

Maybe focus instead on the homeless situation instead? That's a more pressing concern for you! I think you're definitely avoiding the real issues here.

[agent1607307371]

I still don't understand why I would be spineless for telling her parents.

 

Wouldn't a good Christian person tell the only responsible persons who have some influence over their daughter ( = parents ) that their daughter is doing something immoral?

 

I am confused.

 

 

Confused is right. You want to be a good Christian? Turn your other bloody cheek. It's right there in, actually, all of the gospels. Not sure how you missed that bit.

 

Everything you post here is about wanting to be sneaky and vicious and low.

I get that you're hurt, but now the only person hurting you is you.

 

The girl is an adult. Her parents have no say.

 

You're 23. It's way past the time to be running to the parents. If you can't deal with her, deal with no one.