I am telling her parents

[browneyedgirl36]

I still don't understand why I would be spineless for telling her parents.

 

Wouldn't a good Christian person tell the only responsible persons who have some influence over their daughter ( = parents ) that their daughter is doing something immoral?

 

I am confused.

 

If you were telling them because you really cared about HER, and you wanted them to help HER, and you were concerned for HER well-being, that might be something a good Christian would do. However, you have made it clear throughout this thread that you are motivated by YOUR feelings, by YOUR need to "close the account 100%". This is about your need to get justice and satisfaction for you, not about doing something altruistic that might help someone else. I'm not disagreeing with you that she is probably a terrible person (or, at the very least, a very misguided one). It sounds as if she treated you poorly, and I understand the sense of injustice that you feel -- that she has been able to simply go on with her life like nothing happened and has continued to behave in ways that you feel are immoral without suffering any consequences. It is human to feel upset about these situations, for sure. However, my life experience (almost 40 years' worth) tells me that trying to extract "justice" or "fairness" or "closure" from someone else is a fruitless (and often painful) endeavor. At some point, we have to say "What this person does or does not do has NO effect on me anymore" and let it go, for our own peace of mind and well-being.

 

I recall a previous thread you posted a few months back about this same girl in which you wanted to post some things online about her (on Facebook or one of those things), and a lot of people gave you the same advice then, and you defended your actions and motives in a similar manner. From what you posted then, and from what you posted now, it appears that you are not "over her" or this situation by any means, despite your protestations to the contrary. If you were, this wouldn't be an issue at all, and you would have let it go by now. It seems from what I have read that you are in denial about your motives.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, and you can argue the point all you want, but I stand by my assertion that you simply want to hurt her because you feel it will make you feel better. I wish that someone here could convince you that this is not only unhealthy, but that it is also fruitless -- that not only will it not change HER, but it won't have the magical cathartic effect that you seem to hope it will.

 

I wish you good luck with this -- and I mean that sincerely. I hope at some point that you will realize that we can't rely anything outside of ourselves for "closure" or peace of mind.

[ColorBlue]

As everyone has said, if you're doing this for HER welfare, it was a long time ago that you should have.

 

Now for what I say. Why are you still here? You obviously aren't going to change your opinion. You think you're doing this for righteous reasons, when its really just for spite. Even if it wasn't for spite, it isn't going to do you good anyway. Well, maybe it would, but what I'm really trying to say is WHY are you still arguing with all of us on this forum? This has gone on for 8 pages now in this thread, and you still seem like there's no changing your opinion.

 

My opinion is that since you won't change yours, stop wasting your time and just do what you want. You've heard pretty much all there is to hear, just go. Unless you just want to argue some more, I know there's still people here that will continue arguing with you, but its going to amount the same thing

 

You- "I want to do this"

ENA- "It won't help you"

You- "But I want to do this"

ENA- "It won't help you"

You- "But she wronged me"

 

Etc, etc, etc. It'll just keep going on and on and on until the thread is eventually closed (if it is closed). Go already and tell the parents what you want to tell them.

 

--EDIT

 

WELL LOL. I didn't look at the post times, he was done at 3:07. Oooops

[shera]

DON"T tell her parents!!! it is not your place. She is living her life and you would just cause her pain and possible alienation.

I would be looking very closely at your intentions behind what you are wanting to do this.

Spite, revenge and malice are not reasons to screw with someone else's family life.

[ur02111222]

Perhaps it will increase the honest communication between her and her parents.

 

 

Read what you wrote. HER and HER PARENTS. NOT you. Her relationship with her own parents is not your business. If they want to lavish her with gifts and money, that is their business. Not yours. How would you feel if someone tried to go to your parents and ask them to change you?

 

Stop looking her for validation. Nobody seems to agree with you and this is because you are wrong. Get over yourself and move on. Leave her alone. Sure, she may be a nasty, cheating, b*tch. You know that. But it's not your duty to air out her dirty laundry because you are angry. All it does is make you just as bad as her.

 

She's not a part of your life anymore so let her go. Just let it go and move on.

[melrich]

Wouldn't a good Christian person tell the only responsible persons who have some influence over their daughter ( = parents ) that their daughter is doing something immoral?

 

It's none of your business.

[DunwichChild]

Meh, life is a string of low blows with a couple of caresses in between. If she's going to dish them, she might as well learn how to take them.

 

It doesn't sound like anybody is convincing you here, so if you believe this will give you some closure, go ahead, but to tell you the truth, I think her parents will scoff at you, and nothing much will come out of it, but if they do then she is punished, and any punishment will be because of her parents via yourself, just as your depression was caused by your self via her actions, so I truly don't see a difference here.

[BusyNAbroad]

Guys...

 

Let's please calm down, let's stop making assumptions about each other and let me summarize what I feel. Most of all, let's put aside this whole discussion about personal revenge and spite. Trust me, however much you think it is, it isn't. There is something similar to revenge though it's different and I'll try to explain this: I may be feeling vengeful about the fact that ENA makes me feel as if what the girl is doing is right and "her business". I feel very wronged about that. I have nothing against her as a person. I forgive her for what she did to me. But I feel firmly ostracized and paralysed if I can't openly state that what she did was a wrong (and immoral) behavior.

 

ENA is confusing me a LOT from a moral/ethical/normative standpoint - and I believe part of the confusion is due to some cultural differences here. Please read carefully: I am mainly from a [Continental] European and Asian background, whereas most people here seem to be from the Anglo-Saxon world (UK, USA).

In courses about cultural differences, I have learned that the UK/USA tend to have individualist values: Responsibility of what happens to our life is our own and society is not to blame. I felt this attitude in several phrases on this topic, the most important of which were, more or less:

- "That's none of your business."

- "You alone are responsible for your wellbeing."

 

These two phrases conflict very much with the way I have been brought up and the values I believe in.

 

To give you an example, if we see on the road an old man kissing a younger lady, it is fine to openly express our discomfort about that. If we're in a conservative village and see two guys kissing, it would also be fine to openly express what we feel about what we see rather than keeping it for ourselves.

 

I think the reason to this is NOT to criticize them or to make them feel bad. But to assert where we stand on the moral compass, i.e. we SAY what we think is right or wrong, so we can get a FEEDBACK from the society around us to know what everyone else thinks about it as well.

Is it right? Is it wrong? What are the conditions that make something morally acceptable? Why would you accept it?

 

The reason for this is that most European (but especially Asian) societies tend to look for COHESION, i.e. if a family suddenly chooses to do something socially different, we feel entitled to understand why they do so, why they choose to do something different (in this case, immoral), and to explicitly ASSERT this difference.

 

So, I think that the way I was brought up, my way of looking at people is,

"Everyone is everyones' business"

 

If a person who has been physically or geographically close to us and even interacted with us for so long does something we disapprove, we feel the impelling urge to express this disapproval - at least to understand why such behavior happened in first place.

 

Adult or not adult, people do wrong things and right things (according to how we perceive it subjectively)! Staying silent about it makes me feel as if I am the wrong one.

 

Let me know whether I was able to broaden your perspective on my situation, and perhaps made you understand my motivations better.

 

I repeat and insist, also after having spoken with some of my best friends yesterday: this is not revenge, but an urge to exercise our freedom of speech, of opinion and social judgment. The only thing I feel spiteful or angry about is that people might think that what she does is right, and the fact that I am not supported in trying to tell her parents makes me feel even more that what she does is her right and "ok".

 

That, in turn, obviously stirs my emotions and makes me feel more spiteful.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Why haven't you told them yet?

[hockeyboy]

Nobody ever said what she did was right. Doesnt mean we think that condones you doing something that is not right (in some people opinions)

 

We're not going to change your mind, obviously...so just go and tell them. I'll be curious to see how that turns out.

[pianoguy]

Busy, if you were as Christian as you say you are, you would be seeking FORGIVENESS for this girl. Have you ever read any of the Gospels?

 

"Do not resist an evil person. If a man steals your coat, offer him your cloak as well. If he forces you to go one mile with him, go two with him. If he strikes you on one cheek, offer the other as well."

 

"Even the tax collectors think well of their friends, but this I say to you: Love your enemies, and pray for those that persecute you."

 

"Do not seek vengeance, for vengeance belongs to the Lord. Do not be overcome with evil, but seek to overcome evil with good."

 

Quit lying to yourself that you're trying to do this for the good of the girl, or for some other reason. You're doing this for vengeance, and because you're hurt, and according to Jesus that is a sin. You should consider talking to a priest about this.

[yellow_sweater]

My family is (southern) European, in fact, I am from the country where I think you currently live, but I live in the (northeast) United States. I do know exactly what you're describing, and I think that would have described (southern) European culture pre-WWII, but I personally think that type of social cohesion no longer exists, or exists very little. I have less familiarity with Asian cultures.

 

I repeat and insist, also after having spoken with some of my best friends yesterday: this is not revenge, but an urge to exercise our freedom of speech, of opinion and social judgment.

 

I've highlighted what I see to be the problem in your situation. Your judgment is no better than that of anyone else, and you should be very very careful about making public judgments about others. People will judge you as being a jilted lover seeking revenge, not some holy angel exposing wrong-doings. Her parents will judge you as a fool hung up on their daughter. If you are so concerned about social cohesion and how you fit into society, I strongly counsel you to save face in this situation by pretending that she is dead and gone. You will embarrass yourself if you follow through with your plan.

 

As an aside, in my opinion, I will say that the thirst for vengeance, "just desserts," appearing to be correct, and saving face runs far deeper in (southern) European cultures than it does in Anglo-Saxon influenced cultures. And from the eight pages of this thread, I too believe that is what you are looking for, regardless of whether you are able to see it yourself.

[BusyNAbroad]

My family is (southern) European, in fact, I am from the country where I think you currently live, but I live in the (northeast) United States. I do know exactly what you're describing, and I think that would have described (southern) European culture pre-WWII, but I personally think that type of social cohesion no longer exists, or exists very little. I have less familiarity with Asian cultures.

My current residence is Italy. I explained my background, but I have the choice on which parts of it to adopt or not. This choice is what determines my moral and ethical integrity.

 

Your judgment is no better than that of anyone else, and you should be very very careful about making public judgments about others.

It is no better than that of anyone else - I agree 100%. But how to know where it stands if I don't express it?

What I mean by "striving for cohesion" is a bit like the following:

A think homosexuality is totally wrong." (explicitly expressed!)

B it is in nature, etc. so that's why I choose to be openly homosexual"

[discussion]

A now I understand your motivations, and now I see why you choose to behave that way. I agree that it's ok to be homosexual."

A would never reach such a conclusion if he had stayed still and thought that homosexuality is wrong for himself.

 

It is the same instinct that makes me want to talk to her parents.

[BusyNAbroad]

You're asking people to respond to you only in terms of the exact words you want to hear. We don't have those.

 

Problem is you (and some others) are not listening to me but putting words (such as revenge) into my mouth.

 

I showed myself open to break the chain by explaining why this happened, but you are not even replying to what I wrote.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Problem is you (and some others) are not listening to me but putting words (such as revenge) into my mouth.

 

I showed myself open to break the chain by explaining why this happened, but you are not even replying to what I wrote.

 

You're not really asking anything, though. I have mostly said stop talking to us and go ahead and tell them already! I don't care if you're out for revenge.

 

Does culture relate to your desire to tell your ex's parents that she is involved with a married man? Not noticeably. I don't think this situation is really culturally influenced. I can imagine this would end the same way in America or Australia, for instance.

Should you stand up for your beliefs in god and tell the world something that is immoral? Go ahead.

 

What else do you want?

[BusyNAbroad]

Should you stand up for your beliefs in god and tell the world something that is immoral? Go ahead.

 

What else do you want?

 

For example, I'd wish to know why you would not go ahead, if you were in the same situation and had the same beliefs/social norms/moral values/etc.

[hockeyboy]

I re-read your post about the cultural differences.

 

So do most people in your culture go tell the parents of their ex gf/bf after being cheated on?

[BusyNAbroad]

So do most people in your culture go tell the parents of their ex gf/bf after being cheated on?

 

I'd say yes. Definitely. What is important is that the parents know HOW it happened, and why you now close your relationship with your ex gf/bf.

 

My father once cheated on my mother and my mother told everyone. After that, my father was tamed became a good family man

[hockeyboy]

Okay. Go tell her parents.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I just assume this thread was started in the hopes everyone would gang up on the girlfriend and exult the op for his noble values.

 

None of us condone cheating, but unfortunately less of us condoned meddling and crap stirring... that's where you got upset.

[BusyNAbroad]

Okay. Go tell her parents.

 

Any advice on how I should tell it, i.e. how to tell it in a serious way and not as if I'm looking for revenge. I'm sure that if most people here thought I was doing this out of revenge, even they might think so.

 

How to be as considerate and professional as possible?

[BusyNAbroad]

BTW, I just remembered: A true adult should be able to explain and justify her actions also to her parents.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

There is no way to sound professional, you are tattling. It's going to sound childish no matter how you do it.

 

Just bring the facts, stay out of it and end the conversation at that.

[hockeyboy]

Any advice on how I should tell it, i.e. how to tell it in a serious way and not as if I'm looking for revenge. I'm sure that if most people here thought I was doing this out of revenge, even they might think so.

 

How to be as considerate and professional as possible?

 

No advice for this.

 

My advice was to not tell them, so can't really say how you should tell them. Honestly, I don't think there is a "good" way and they are probably going to think your looking for revenge (amongst other things) regardless of your tactic.

 

Good luck.

[BusyNAbroad]

None of us condone cheating, but unfortunately less of us condoned meddling and crap stirring... that's where you got upset.

 

Why do you call this meddling?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It is not your business.