I am telling her parents

[BusyNAbroad]

So you know what she is about..walk away and just live your life. If others are fooled they will eventually find out because she will slip up. Bernie Madoff got found out eventually, so did Conrad Black etc. Eventually people find out who the bad people are.

 

Well, they aren't found out just like that by themselves, but there are investigators and reporters.

 

Why should I not play a role in letting the world (or at least her parents) find out what she is doing?

[sophie274]

I'm using the free wireless network of my university and during these days I'm rotating at friends places, but they won't keep me for very long either

(I wrote more about that here: )

 

Well, it was a chain of events. I got so depressed at that time I couldn't focus on studies, and I was also dealing with chronic pain (SHE KNEW VERY WELL I HAD), I am of a poor family and at an elite university. Didn't get scholarship due to poor performance during this academic year, can't finance accommodation, etc.

 

I'm very sorry to hear that. However, I don't think you can blame her for your depression and your poor results. We're all responsible for our own actions.

 

I really think therapy would be useful for you, especially if you're not quite over your depression. Does your school not offer free counseling? Does your insurance not cover any kind of counseling?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, they aren't found out just like that by themselves, but there are investigators and reporters.

 

Why should I not play a role in letting the world (or at least her parents) find out what she is doing?

 

How would exposing her really help your own situation in life. Rather than waste time exposing her why not just work on fixing your own life.

[hockeyboy]

I still don't get what she did to you that caused any of this?

[sophie274]

I still don't get what she did to you that caused any of this?

 

He was madly in love, found out she wasn't who he thought she was, he got depressed, grades went down, lost his scholarship/funding.

 

And honestly, I get it. I can imagine I would be destroyed if someone I thought was "the one" for me turned out to not even be someone I could respect. But you have to move past it, stop blaming her, take some responsibility for your life and your happiness (NOT hers), and keep working on pulling yourself back together.

[russ978]

It is none of your business dude. Stay out of it.

[uhohlala]

I didn't understand this. sorry. What do you mean exactly?.

 

In your first post you wrote:

 

I first mentioned my intention to a friend in common (a classmate of hers) but this friend answered "I have no idea" and found an excuse to go away as quickly as possible.

 

That's what people do when they encounter someone who's talking crazy.

 

You're blaming this girl for everything that's wrong in your life, and while she might have been directly responsible for hurting you, and indirectly triggered some problems (like depression) that you've since struggled with, you are the only person who is responsible for what you do in life. If you are on an academic scholarship and cannot afford to get poor grades, then you need to make sure you don't get distracted from your studies.

 

It sounds like you've constructed a narrative in which you are completely blameless, and everything that's wrong in your life is this girl's fault. That's very convenient for you. It's just not very healthy. It sounds like you've felt that you're powerless about what happens to you. You do indeed need to assert yourself, but you must do it in the right way, the smart way. Take control of the things that you can control: your work, your thoughts, your life. Need to get a place to live? Work on that. Need to earn some money? Work on that.

 

You're kind of treating this girl like a metaphorical voodoo doll, thinking that if you can inflict pain on her (which you believe she deserves) then somehow, magically, things in your life will improve. Logically you know that's not possible. So redirect your energy towards things that will in fact improve your circumstances.

 

I agree that counseling would be a very good idea for you. Surely your university has some mental health services? You have allowed your negative thoughts to fester for too long, and they've become cancerous and unhealthy for you.

[BusyNAbroad]

How would exposing her really help your own situation in life. Rather than waste time exposing her why not just work on fixing your own life.

 

You didn't really answer my question:

"Why should I not play a role in letting the world (or at least her parents) find out what she is doing?"

 

How it would help me?

I think it would restore my self-confidence to 100%, since I have to know that I have a voice, I need to exert my right of expressing my opinion. Otherwise I feel like in a prison of conscience, or with the possibility that I am "wrong" about this whole issue. And I would keep feeling that being critical towards cheating and such behaviors is "wrong".

I want to give my opinions a voice.

[uhohlala]

You didn't really answer my question:

I think it would restore my self-confidence to 100%, since I have to know that I have a voice, I need to exert my right of expressing my opinion. Otherwise I feel like in a prison of conscience, or with the possibility that I am "wrong" about this whole issue. And I would keep feeling that being critical towards cheating and such behaviors is "wrong".

I want to give my opinions a voice.

 

Restore your self-confidence by re-taking control of your life. You've mistakenly believed that somehow this girl is in control of your recent life, that she is responsible for what happened to you. Believe me, I know first-hand how awful it is, how crushing, to discover that someone you truly loved and thought you would spend your life with -- someone you were certain that you knew well, who knew you and who (you thought) loved you -- could treat you so terribly. To discover that the person you love(d) is unworthy of that love, that you were wrong to think that you knew them ... that raises some hard questions. The answers won't come right away. But they lie within you. Not with what happens to her.

 

Picture yourself in one year: where would you like to be? Successfully finishing your studies, promising future, acceptable living arrangement? What's the best way to get there?

[BusyNAbroad]

I am no more hurt by what she did to me. I am no more hurt about not having her.

 

I feel confined because I let things happen without expressing my opinion openly. I repeat: I feel like a PRISONER OF CONSCIENCE. And I feel that the more time passes without me telling it into her face or into the face of those who support her, I am loosing my INTEGRITY.

 

I know very well how to carry on in my future. But I need to hear my voice or my full-fledged self-confidence also speaking in favor of my morals: I want to openly say that I find it wrong that their daughter is having an affair with an older man who is probably also their family friend, simultaneously breaking young guys' hearts.

I simply want to tell it. And hear it coming from my heart, my throat, my voice, or at least my computer keyboard.

 

Do you understand what it means to have an ideal/opinion (in this case: being against cheating etc.) and being stripped off of the freedom to express it?

 

It feels like my opinion doesn't count. That I believe in false values. If I can't stand up for my own values and opinions now, will I ever in future?

[agent1607307371]

You didn't really answer my question:

"Why should I not play a role in letting the world (or at least her parents) find out what she is doing?"

 

How it would help me?

I think it would restore my self-confidence to 100%, since I have to know that I have a voice, I need to exert my right of expressing my opinion. Otherwise I feel like in a prison of conscience, or with the possibility that I am "wrong" about this whole issue. And I would keep feeling that being critical towards cheating and such behaviors is "wrong".

I want to give my opinions a voice.

 

I think her parents would tell you to )*(&* off and ignore you. Then how will you feel? They will just write it off as the angry ramblings of an ex. You won't make them stop supporting their child. They love her, they barely know you.

 

If you think falling to her level will restore you, you need to get some perspective. Revenge hardly ever leaves the perp feeling better.

[BusyNAbroad]

If you think falling to her level will restore you, you need to get some perspective. Revenge hardly ever leaves the perp feeling better.

 

I repeat, this isn't about revenge, but about asserting myself, standing up to my values and opinions (i.e. that I am against her behavior and cheating).

This is a step to rebuild my confidence in my own opinions and ideas of life.

 

All this time I have felt like a silent spineless person who was scared to tell what he really thinks.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I say do whatever you want. I can see why you would want to do this.

You don't necessarily owe her anything to stay quiet, it's none of your business but if you want to tell, tell.

 

With every action there are consequences. Just be prepared. You cannot blame anyone else in this world if this goes poorly.

[PsychGirly]

I repeat, this isn't about revenge, but about asserting myself, standing up to my values and opinions (i.e. that I am against her behavior and cheating).

This is a step to rebuild my confidence in my own opinions and ideas of life.

 

All this time I have felt like a silent spineless person who was scared to tell what he really thinks.

 

It's easy to convince yourself when you have all these mixed emotions. You aren't over it like you say you are. If you were, you wouldn't even bother.

 

You're just so full of hatred & anger that you're hoping that by you telling her parents, it'll make her life a living hell & then you can finally be happy.

 

This is such a low-blow. Keep your dignity, don't do it. If my ex was to go to my parents, I would lose ANY amount of respect I had for him.

 

If you're as Christian as you claim, & wanna do the "right thing", then leave it up to God. Don't take matters into your own hands. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. If she really did screw you over, she'll get her share, eventually.

[BusyNAbroad]

It's easy to convince yourself when you have all these mixed emotions. You aren't over it like you say you are. If you were, you wouldn't even bother.

 

You're just so full of hatred & anger that you're hoping that by you telling her parents, it'll make her life a living hell & then you can finally be happy.

 

This is such a low-blow. Keep your dignity, don't do it. If my ex was to go to my parents, I would lose ANY amount of respect I had for him.

 

If you're as Christian as you claim, & wanna do the "right thing", then leave it up to God. Don't take matters into your own hands. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. If she really did screw you over, she'll get her share, eventually.

 

Can you guys quit with this "revenge"-story?

 

Can you at least DO AS IF you're listening to what I write, for just once?

Please, answer to what I wrote. The fact that I feel a prisoner of conscience. I want to hear what you would do if you felt that way.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm not concerned about her welfare. I'm concerned about MY welfare.

 

I simply want to tell this to her parents in the tone of, "Look at what beast you have brought to life. If you care about her, do something or there's no hope for her."

 

P.S.: Therapists are very expensive in Italy

But then again, why should I go to the therapist, when she's the crazy person who brought me into this situation? A chain of events that made me financially broke and homeless?

 

This is contradictory. In the first sentence, you say you're not concerned for her welfare, but then you say that you are telling her parents so that, if they care about her, they can do something to help her.

 

You are still very, very angry at this girl. That is clear. You can say you aren't, you can say you've gotten past it, but you clearly have not if, nine months on, you are even considering this. She is NOT in your life anymore. She has no power over you OR your life (she never did, really -- only that which you gave her). You say that you feel like your confidence would be back 100% if you did this -- that you would use your voice, assert yourself, stand up for your ideals, etc., but from reading this thread and some of your others about this same girl, it seems to go far deeper than this. There is some sort of control you want to have over this situation, control that you do not feel you have, and in doing this, you feel you'd be exerting some control.

 

If you truly don't care about her and her well-being, prove it by leaving this alone. Instead of trying to punish her, or trying to squeeze some sort of "justice" for yourself out of this situation, keep doing your best to be the good Christian you say you are -- forgive, let go, and go on with your life beign the best person you can be. If you do that, nothing -- and no one -- can drag you down.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Can you guys quit with this "revenge"-story?

 

Can you at least DO AS IF you're listening to what I write, for just once?

Please, answer to what I wrote. The fact that I feel a prisoner of conscience. I want to hear what you would do if you felt that way.

 

Truthfully, if someone said "I know a girl who is underage and dating a married man 30 years older than her" everyone on this site would say call the police or contact someone because the situation is illegal and unsafe.

There was actually a thread similar to this about a girl who was 15 and her bf was 25. Everyone said OMG call the cops!

 

Just because you have baggage with her, people are getting on your case.

I sort of feel ya there.

 

The fact remains- she is too young to be with him legally.

[BusyNAbroad]

Please answer me just one thing. You are all confusing me.

 

Is it wrong to stand up for one's opinions/ideals and not tell openly what you think?

 

Is it wrong to tell a cheater, "I think you're a spineless beast." if you're agaist cheating?

 

Is it wrong? Please, answer me just this and I will leave all of this alone.

 

I simply want to understand what people in this world understand by "standing up for one's opinions"...

[hockeyboy]

Truthfully, if someone said "I know a girl who is underage and dating a married man 30 years older than her" everyone on this site would say call the police or contact someone because the situation is illegal and unsafe.

There was actually a thread similar to this about a girl who was 15 and her bf was 25. Everyone said OMG call the cops!

 

Just because you have baggage with her, people are getting on your case.

I sort of feel ya there.

 

The fact remains- she is too young to be with him legally.

 

She's 19 now though, right?

 

The time to speak up would have been a while ago.

 

Speaking up now just makes you come accross bitter, angry, and vengeful, regardless of how you really feel and what your motives are.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

There is no need to tell a cheater what you think. No, it's pointless. It doesn't change them. You can call them a spineless beast but it won't accomplish anything. They already know cheating is wrong.

 

Is it wrong to stand up for your opinions and call someone out?

No...It's just pointless in this situation.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

She's 19 now though, right?

 

The time to speak up would have been a while ago.

 

Speaking up now just makes you come accross bitter, angry, and vengeful, regardless of how you really feel and what your motives are.

 

I read back and realized that. Honestly, if he wants to go on morals you're right- he should have said something then.

 

Now it's just for naught.

[PsychGirly]

Please answer me just one thing. You are all confusing me.

 

Is it wrong to stand up for one's opinions/ideals and not tell openly what you think?

Is it wrong to tell a cheater, "I think you're a spineless beast." if you're agaist cheating?

 

Is it wrong? Please, answer me just this and I will leave all of this alone.

 

I simply want to understand what people in this world understand by "standing up for one's opinions"...

 

It's not wrong to tell the cheater anything. If you want to speak your mind with her, go ahead.

 

Just because you have the ability and the right to talk to her parents doesn't mean you should.

 

If you want to stand up for yourself, you stand up in front of the person who brought you down.

 

Standing up in front of that person's parents doesn't change anything--it's the same as going around & talking crap about her to the world...you're still spineless.

 

If you want to express how you feel, get things off your chest, stand up for yourself, etc...tell her how you feel.

 

You have no business with her parents. Even married people don't do this. The relationship was between you are her.

[BusyNAbroad]

Just because you have baggage with her, people are getting on your case.

I sort of feel ya there.

 

You hit the nail on the head.

 

People here are thinking that I am not past with MY issues, whereas it's the very fact that people on this forum are repressing my opinions that I feel more and more confused...

 

I had a bad experience with her, OK. But for me it was even worse, all these months, to betray my ideals and just shut myself in my own mind.

 

I am a very extroverted person, by which I mean that I also openly tell people in their face what I think about them or a situation concerning them. Not having done this for 9 months has kind of made me sick - especially because for all the period I was with her I tried to change myself for her. I tried to stay quiet and just let things happen because I loved her and thought that she surely knows best what is best for her and that I would love her anyway.

 

But over time I learned that I should never sacrifice my opinions and standpoints just for the sake of love. I feel that I betrayed myself by sacrificing the voice of my opinions, and they want to come back.

 

They want to be inaugurated again.

 

I am not saying that I will really tell the whole world, but at least I would like the people on this forum to understand that it isn't revenge against her that is driving me here, but my willingness to officially break the barrier to my own emotions.

[sophie274]

Please answer me just one thing. You are all confusing me.

 

Is it wrong to stand up for one's opinions/ideals and not tell openly what you think?

 

Is it wrong to tell a cheater, "I think you're a spineless beast." if you're agaist cheating?

 

Is it wrong? Please, answer me just this and I will leave all of this alone.

 

I simply want to understand what people in this world understand by "standing up for one's opinions"...

 

No it's not wrong. You can tell her she's a spineless beast, if you want.

 

A couple of years ago my boyfriend and I broke up for about 4 months. When we were in the process of getting back together, I found out/he told me that he had had a one-night stand with the ex-girlfriend of one of his best friends (they dated for several years, and are now back together). His friend would have been absolutely shattered to find out, and likely would have beat him up and then never spoken to him again. I thought the betrayal was disgusting. I was devastated because we had been each other's firsts and onlys, and now he had had a cheap one night drunken thing with this girl. He told me I couldn't tell anyone.

 

The whole thing felt very wrong to me and I wanted to tell the friend, to hurt my boyfriend and this girl like what they did hurt me, and also because I hated the deception and felt like he had a right to know. But I didn't tell, because I knew I would be doing it, in large part, out of spite, and because I realized that telling wouldn't accomplish anything.

 

It's not the same as your situation, but it has its similarities. So I get that you feel nauseated thinking that you're keeping this secret and protecting her. But you need to move on, and not by trying to hurt her and her family.

[hockeyboy]

I'll say it.

 

It's wrong for you to go to her parents and tell them everything their daughter has done, including how she has wronged you.

 

If you have issues/problems with her...if you need to defend yourself to her....speak to her and only her.