The morning after: I think i used her

[wazza]

It is very annoying when guys talk about the future like that..because while YOU may think it doesn't imply long-term, often the other person DOES INDEED interpret it as you being in for the long haul. So while you are sitting there accusing her of misleading you..she could very well say the same thing about you regarding those comments.

 

That's probably true. I tried to keep it minimal but i might have been more misleading than I thought...

 

 

OK, so my plan is to give it a little time, and talk to her next time I see her about my intentions and about how i like her but not for a serious relationship, and that her neediness is scaring me off (of course in a polite way). I'll see where that goes, and how i feel over the next few days.

[pianoguy]

Hey wazza,

 

Nothing wrong with a casual relationship. Yes, you're right that you probably should've been clear about that from the start, but feelings often develop even if you are very clear, I think it's just something that often happens with sex.

 

Honesty and openness is always the best policy. Next time you talk I'd just mention that you're not interested in a serious relationship at the moment. It's possible that she will not accept that and then you'll have to decide at that point what you want to do.

 

I wouldn't tell her that her neediness is scaring you off, even in a nice way, it would just probably make her defensive. I

[pianoguy]

It is very annoying when guys talk about the future like that..because while YOU may think it doesn't imply long-term, often the other person DOES INDEED interpret it as you being in for the long haul. So while you are sitting there accusing her of misleading you..she could very well say the same thing about you regarding those comments.

 

That funny that you bring this up. Whenever I talked about doing the things in the future I would preface things by saying, "well, assuming we're still together at that point, I'd like to..." which tended to freak my boyfriend out but I think it's also a most adequate way to cover one's behind.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That funny that you bring this up. Whenever I talked about doing the things in the future I would preface things by saying, "well, assuming we're still together at that point, I'd like to..." which tended to freak my boyfriend out but I think it's also a most adequate way to cover one's behind.

 

Why bother saying anything at all...why not just keep future possible plans under wraps until it is known if the relationship will actually fly.

[Ariel85]

OP - I don't think you used her. Not at all.

 

If you promised her an exclusive relationship to bed her, than that would be using and wrong.

 

As it is, you have no agreement of exclusivity or commitment, so if she slept with you with expectations beyond casual dating, then that is on her.

 

I find this interesting, because we read so many stories of women who feel they had sex too soon and the guy went MIA. It's cool to see the other side.

 

I would also be worried about her talk of the future and what not. Too soon, and would freak me out, too.

 

I don't think you should confront her with her neediness, though. If you have decided you don't want to date her anymore, then stop calling. If she hunts you down, then tell her you don't think you're a good fit for the long haul, and leave it at that.

[annie24]

I find this interesting, because we read so many stories of women who feel they had sex too soon and the guy went MIA. It's cool to see the other side.

 

yeah, isn't it interesting to know how the other half thinks!!!! it is good to know. i remember reading about this phenomenom in the book, 'mars and venus on a date.' "one night she is your dream girl. after going to bed too soon, the next morning, her toes are too big." or something like that. lol.

[Ariel85]

yeah, isn't it interesting to know how the other half thinks!!!! it is good to know. i remember reading about this phenomenom in the book, 'mars and venus on a date.' "one night she is your dream girl. after going to bed too soon, the next morning, her toes are too big." or something like that. lol.

 

Right, right, right!

 

And when these women post the stories, we never have a clue what the guy was thinking, or why he lost interest.

 

This has been fabulously insightful.

[wazza]

that's funny about the toes being too big.

 

and don't go applying my point of view to every story you hear like mine. There are certainly lots of guys who wouldn't care. I am just more sensitive to other people's feelings than most people are.

[wazza]

Wait, but if I don't call her or anything then I'll be that jerk I don't want to be. How is that better for our situation? or is it?

[annie24]

gah...... well, just wait a few days. see how you feel. if you feel you might want to go on one more date with her, then do so. if you don't think it's a match still, i guess, if she calls you and asks you out, then you can tell her.

 

yeah, it sucks, but then again, it's only been 2 weeks.....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wait, but if I don't call her or anything then I'll be that jerk I don't want to be. How is that better for our situation? or is it?

 

You should absolutely call her and let her know that it is not working out. To drop off the face of the earth after this many dates, sex or no sex, would indeed be very very rude and even more hurtful than the just saying that it is not working out.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with calling her, too. To let her know what is up. It's just a nice thing to do, decent. Knowing that she has these feelings for you.

 

I'm curious. If it's because she slept with you so soon, or because she did the little miss flip-flop on what she actually wants after bed?

 

It does sound like she was throwing out mixed signals. She sounds kinda confused.

[iLiveWithMyMom]

Yeah, I agree with calling her and talking things out. If you're really the sensitive-type guy you say you are, then that's what you need to do. You can't leave her just hanging, wondering what's going on.

[Ms Darcy]

Right, right, right!

 

And when these women post the stories, we never have a clue what the guy was thinking, or why he lost interest.

 

This has been fabulously insightful.

 

Which is why he should call her and tell her what's going on and how her neediness scared him off. It would be a breath of fresh, honest air.

[Midgi]

I agree that calling her would be the humane thing to do! I hate it when guys disappear of the face of the earth... and it will make her wonder if she did anything wrong!

 

If I were in here position I would want you to tell me straight up... and yes it will hurt at the beginning but it will stop her from analyzing the situation and see where it went wrong. Also dont forget that girls have this strange notion that guys will change and like them more after time... so I think its best to be honest.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yeah. Please call her and tell her. Don't just leave her hanging. She's going to be upset initially -- maybe for awhile -- but down the road she will probably look back on you as someone who at least had the courage to be honest with her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Quite frankly I don't see anything in your post which suggests she was needy. I don't think you should say anything to her about neediness because that is just your opinion...you want an out...you had sex, you feel guilty because you never really felt comfortable around her but had sex with her anyway...so what better way than to tell her she is too needy..that gets you off the hook. Just end things with her and don't say she is too needy because that is just your opinion and not necessarily what she is really all about. Remember, you weren't that keen on her...you probably gave off enough vibes that she suspected something was not quite right..so her so-called neediness may have been as a result of the vibes she was getting from you. Which came first, the chicken or the egg. Instead of casting blame by saying she is too needy, why not take the gracious way out and simply say it just isn't working for you...after all, you are 50% part of the blame for how this is turning out.

[addictedblue]

Don't tell her she's needy, that's unnecessarily mean. Just let her know that you don't feel enough chemistry for this to work out in the long term. Oh and don't have sex with her again.

[wazza]

Yeah, I won't tell her she is needy. I feel like explaining that I don't want a serious relationship with her is enough to get the message out efficiently.

 

and in response to an earlier comment, it's more the perceived flip-flop she pulled than the fact that she put out early that is turning me off from her. I was much more comfortable when I thought we were just two young people having a good time.

[annie24]

yeah, i agree. and i've done this mistake myself, it is a turn off to men. i have to admit, i have a lot of Christian Carter's DVDs (he's a dating guru for women) and basically saying that the 'insta-relationship' causes guys to run for the hills. john gray of the mars and venus books says the same thing, but in different words. i'm guilty of doing it myself, now i understand better why guys can feel that way. i'm trying not to do it again.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I won't tell her she is needy. I feel like explaining that I don't want a serious relationship with her is enough to get the message out efficiently.

 

and in response to an earlier comment, it's more the perceived flip-flop she pulled than the fact that she put out early that is turning me off from her. I was much more comfortable when I thought we were just two young people having a good time.

 

Well, she flip flopped and now you are flip flopping. Quite frankly I don't see how she is really flip flopping any more than you. She changed her mind about what sex means to her and you changed your mind about what the interaction with her means to you..so both of you flip flopped immediately after sex...except she doesn't know yet that you have flip flopped. All the more reason why it is not a good idea to have sex before a relationship is established...even for the person who is just looking for fun.

[spainman_88]

Well, she flip flopped and now you are flip flopping. Quite frankly I don't see how she is really flip flopping any more than you. She changed her mind about what sex means to her and you changed your mind about what the interaction with her means to you..so both of you flip flopped immediately after sex...except she doesn't know yet that you have flip flopped. All the more reason why it is not a good idea to have sex before a relationship is established...even for the person who is just looking for fun.

 

I don't think the OP is questioning whether sex before an exclusive relationship is ok or not in general.....I believe he is concerned about what to do now with this girl given how he feels. Yes, people's feelings change a lot. I've been on both sides of it happening, and while neither side is pleasant its a reality. And in this case I think he has NO reason to feel guilty but he is being very responsible in trying to figure out what to best do now.

 

And while for SOME people sex before commitment is not ok, for many it is. I don't think this case is a reason to say sex before relationship is a bad idea...for some it is, for others it isnt. So for the OP and others in this position, (and me) this case is no reason to feel like what you did is wrong or to generalize and say sex before reationship is wrong.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What I am saying is that if two people have sex before a relationship has started they have to accept what may happen...ie. one person gets hooked and the other person gets uncomfortable because of it. BOTH sides are responsible for the outcome if it leads to discomfort. It is not just down to the person who wants a relationship out of it...it is down to the other person as well..both took their chances and both have to accept responsibility if there is an uncomfortable outcome. Kind of like if the woman gets pregnant both sides are responsible. I stated early on that he has no reason to feel guilty because she went in with her eyes open..my point is simply that the uncomfortable outcome is a result of choices BOTH of them have made and one way to avoid such uncomfortable outcomes is to wait until a relationship has been established before having sex.

[Batya33]

I disagree. Sex without an exclusivity discussion -- and clear decision to be exclusive -- beforehand is casual sex and if a person gets emotionally attached because of the sex that is his or her sole responsibility. It's different than a pregnancy situation because that is a joint decision - to have sex and to accept the consequences (unless one person lies about using birth control/having a vasectomy but I don't want to stray too far off topic).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I disagree. Sex without an exclusivity discussion -- and clear decision to be exclusive -- beforehand is casual sex and if a person gets emotionally attached because of the sex that is his or her sole responsibility. It's different than a pregnancy situation because that is a joint decision - to have sex and to accept the consequences (unless one person lies about using birth control/having a vasectomy but I don't want to stray too far off topic).

 

If someone chooses to have casual sex then they have to accept that it may not always go according to plan...the person who wants casual has to accept that there are no guarantees of a relationship...similarly the other person has to accept that there are no guarantees that the other person won't get hooked. A risk is a risk no matter which side. It is a no brainer that sex can lead to emotions....someone who is taking the chance to have emotionless sex has to accept that either they might develop emotions or their partner might. I believe both sides are equally responsible.