Jump to content

The morning after: I think i used her


wazza
High Protein-Low Carb Diet (Day 5)
High Protein-Low Carb Diet (Day 5)

Recommended Posts

Last night I had sex with a girl who I had been seeing every 3 days or so for the past 2 weeks exactly. Last night was the fifth time we hung out, and we ended the night with some of the hottest sex i've ever had. Before last night I knew I liked her. We had fun each time we got together. but I wasn't sure how serious I wanted it to get. She's cool and all but I don't feel the right way about her to see this lasting very long. Today it is evident that she likes me a lot more than I like her. After last night though I feel like i've lost interest in her. This bothers me because I don't want to hurt her or make her think i was using her. I didn't feel like I was using her for sex until this morning. Of course she is not the only girl I've been seeing. Right now i'm in this because it's fun and i'm just living my life and waiting to see what comes. She has a very similar attitude about life, but she's implied that she is a little more romantically attached to me. She says i'm the first guy she's really liked in a while and doesn't want to be used and is worried that i'll just not talk to her after today. In a way her paranoia is a turn off.

 

Now that I have gotten us both into a difficult situation by having sex with her, how explain my feelings to her or what can I do to make sure she doesn't get hurt?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 59
  • Created
  • Last Reply

If you have been honest from the start and explained you only wanted to casually date and that you werent exclusive, then just explain you want to move on and dont want to see her anymore, and that you had a great time but it just isnt working for you.

 

She may well feel used and upset.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you were using her - she was interested in having sex with you, didn't ask for a commitment, so it's her risk that you might not want to see her again (not because of the sex, because often people lose interest after dating a short period of time). I find her behavior a little selfish -- it's her responsibility to protect herself by not having sex until she feels comfortable in a relationship and subjecting you to her neediness is not really fair. She's human of course and has feelings, but it's something she should have discussed with you before having sex.

 

My guess is the thrill of the chase is gone for you and since you are not that into her as a person, seeing her vulnerable side is a turn off rather than making you feel closer to her (although again if she acted in a very needy way I can see where even if you were into her that could be a turn off).

 

I think you tell her that you want to continue seeing her casually (and make sure that you convey that with as few words as possible -put it simply and directly -- and without apology that your intentions haven't changed at all - they were casual and remain casual - sex didn't change that, not surprisingly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is nothing you can do..she will be hurt. You say her paranoia is turn off...paranoia refers to irrational suspicions of others or situations. Clearly she is not actually being paranoid, she is being quite astute...because you actually aren't interested in her for anything long-term and you did lose interest in her the minute you had sex with her. So she wasn't actually paranoid, she was justifiably suspicious of you and now her suspicions will be proven correct. The price to pay for having sex before being in a committed relationship: 1) the person who really likes the other one and finds out no relationship will come out of it will be hurt and may regret having sex. 2) the one who has no feelings and just wanted sex will have to deal with the anger and hurt feelings of the other person. The easy solution for both sides is not to have sex until a relationship has been established. The bottom line is that while she may be hurt, she did make the choice to have sex with you when she knew there was no relationship...that is the consequence she will have to accept for her actions. The consequences you will have to accept for your actions are that you have hurt someone she will not have a very good opinion of you and she will probably spread the word around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My guess is the thrill of the chase is gone for you and since you are not that into her as a person, seeing her vulnerable side is a turn off rather than making you feel closer to her (although again if she acted in a very needy way I can see where even if you were into her that could be a turn off).

 

yeah, i agree, and that's pretty sad...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think she is a grown up, and not a frail little bird you need to be worrying needlessly about.

 

Unless you specifically led her down a false trail, or lied, then the sex doesn't have anything to with anything. To my way of thinking, anyways.

 

Did you let her think things you knew weren't true in order to get her to bed. ?

 

Anyways, I agree with Annie about waiting at least a day or two regardless. There is no need to be rude about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She has a very similar attitude about life, but she's implied that she is a little more romantically attached to me. She says i'm the first guy she's really liked in a while and doesn't want to be used and is worried that i'll just not talk to her after today. In a way her paranoia is a turn off.

 

you know, for some reason this thread annoys me, lol. it's like, you liked her, you had fun with her, then right after you had sex, BAM! you're not interested in her anymore. some guys on here complain that if a girl waits too long to have sex with them, they are out of there. in this case, this girl should have clearly waited. because it seems now you have lost interest.

 

what's wrong with her saying she is romantically interested in you? why shouldn't she be? i don't think anything she said was really over the top - afterall, you two did just have sex. you've had some good dates, had some fun, why should that be such a turn off for her to tell you she's started to fancy you? i do have a feeling if you tell her that you're not interested anymore, then she gets upset, moves on, you'll be kicking yourself a few weeks or months down the road.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ya. like today, some other guy on here was complaining that a girl he has been on 3 dates with is not calling him. she accepts dates, but doesn't call him, so he is wondering if he should move on. she's not showing enough interest. then this girl is showing too much interest! it's like goldilocks!!!!!! sigh, rant over.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

lol to annie. I'm slightly hungover today so I failed to make it clear that my statement about her being paranoid is somewhat separate from everything else I said. Generally she's very vocal about her worries that she's doing things that turn me off and that I want to use her like all the other guys and just move on after that. And she is very clingy.

 

I don't believe I've said anything that implies that I want a long term relationship. In the past I have said that we should do this or that one day but that's really the furthest extent that I have said anything implying a continued relationship. But that's what you do when you expect future dates, which I did expect. I never told her I loved her, or anything like that. I haven't even told her I liked her. I am one to hold back any expressions of interest or adoration until I am entirely comfortable with someone.

 

I have to say that even though she had made comments about not wanting to be used again, she did kind of mislead me in terms of her wants. She's a very sexual person, and always says "I like to live in the moment" and stuff like that, and gave me the impression she just wanted a casual relationship. Some of the things she's been saying today though have totally shattered that impression and i think that that has been worrying me a lot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

eh, i think i am in general, more vocal about my emotions and what's going on in my head. so i guess i see where this girl is coming from.

 

i mean, you can't help what you feel, any more than she can't help what she feels. maybe you two just aren't a match. i don't know. i would definitely sit and think for a few days on whether you want to see her again or not. or where your feelings stand (ie, if you would like to continue dating a few more times, so you can be sure how you feel or not). i don't know. sounds like a mess, sigh.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been sure she's not right for me in the long term. I can't really be myself around her and she's a bit of a mess. I enjoyed spending time with her, but I was never fully comfortable around her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why would you call her selfish?? I don't see how you can judge her like that..nothing she did indicates selfishness...i feel like that is an unfair assumption on your part.

 

Because she is subjecting him to her neediness/paranoia/clinginess and I find that a bit selfish, considering that he never promised her anything just because they had or were going to have sex. And I wrote "a little" -- and I was referring to her behavior, not to her as a person. I would think differently if she had told him before they had sex what she expected but it sounds like she did - and she expected "to live in the moment" - nothing wrong with her changing her mind but to react by acting needy/clingy is unfair to him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's said that she doesn't do that anymore but that she likes me a lot. She expressed some regret afterwards though

 

she told you she likes you enough to compromise something she usually doesn't do. and you didn't see this as an opportune moment to tell her you aren't interested in a relationship? i know you said you didn't totally lose interest in her until the morning, but you had to have known you didn't like her as much as she likes you and to take advantage of that is the part i don't like about this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

she told you she likes you enough to compromise something she usually doesn't do. and you didn't see this as an opportune moment to tell her you aren't interested in a relationship? i know you said you didn't totally lose interest in her until the morning, but you had to have known you didn't like her as much as she likes you and to take advantage of that is the part i don't like about this.

 

She told me this after we had sex. And besides, I thought I liked her too.

 

But I will give this some time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is very annoying when guys talk about the future like that..because while YOU may think it doesn't imply long-term, often the other person DOES INDEED interpret it as you being in for the long haul. So while you are sitting there accusing her of misleading you..she could very well say the same thing about you regarding those comments.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...