Just had a chat with housemate who keeps bringing random men back.

[babybear]

You may have read my previous thread about my housemate who keeps bringing men back she meets on a drunken night out to our house to have sex with them. I just expressed my views that me, and the rest of the house aren't comfortable with this. Her response was that basically she is going to do it for her own safety but is going to try not to bring complete strangers back, instead bring back she has spoke to for a while/friend of friends etc. She said although she is being selfish she's made a decision that she likes bringing guys back and she pays her share of the rent too so we are basically going to have to accept it. I said that the rest of the house don't like it and she said we are going to have to accept it. I am somewhat baffled. She said she thinks it's massively unlikely she will ever bring anyone back who flips and goes crazy, but she'd rather be in the house with one guy and 6 of us then her be at a guys house with 6 guys ganging up on her.

[Binoo]

Well, she has compromised by saying she will only bring home men she's been speaking to for awhile. I don't see the problem if this is now the case.

[rose2summer]

This girl is clueless!

 

I mean you are paying to go to university to get an education, not to be a bodyguard!

 

All of you pay rent, so her argument is rather weak.

 

You can decide to set house rules if you want, self-protection, etc.

 

What do you think you will do?

 

Hugs, Rose

[rose2summer]

Well, she has compromised by saying she will only bring home men she's been speaking to for awhile. I don't see the problem if this is now the case.

 

Do we really think that will be the case though if she is bringing back men in her drunk stupor?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd still lock your door at night. Who knows who she will bring back in her drunken state. Could be a robber, could be a slasher. Just keep yourself and your valuables safe.

 

If she is being inconsiderate and all your housemates agree, anyway you can force her out of the rental contract? Or not allow her to renew her rent?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like she thinks your place is a brothel and you and the other roommates are the Madames to keep the sex worker safe! Tell her if she wants to do that you expect a cut of her earnings for the night! Honestly..this woman has a screw loose (no pun intended!). What the rest of you might want to do is make her life so miserable there that she wants to leave. Clearly this woman has no consideration for her own self so it is not surprising that she has no consideration for her roommates.

[rose2summer]

Sounds like she thinks your place is a brothel and you and the other roommates are the Madames to keep the sex worker safe! Tell her if she wants to do that you expect a cut of her earnings for the night!

 

I agree 100%...and likewise, she is not even being considerate or accomodating.

 

Here's a rephrasing:

"I pay rent here, so it's your job to watch over me and protect me, and risk your life in the process. I enrolled in this university for NSA sex."

[russ978]

You're her housemate, not her mom, you can't dictate who she can and can't bring back to the house, if you feel unsafe, switch living situations or call the police.

 

You might want to keep her safe or yourself safe, but to dictate who your housemate can and can't bring back isn't your place.

 

This is why people usually make living arrangement agreements BEFORE living together, you can try and make an agreement after, but likely, she'll do what she wants.

[lavenderdove]

She is basically being naive and terribly selfish.

 

And by default she is saying that you and the other roommates are there to protect her (and are expected to protect her) in the event she brings a looney home with her.

 

The fact that she recognizes it is unsafe to go to a strange guy's house alone says she DOES know it can be dangerous, and that she is trying to mitigate the danger by transferring some of the responsibility to her roommates to keep her safe by bringing them home instead.

 

You have two choices at this point. You can report the situation to the campus housing authority and try to get her moved, or else you can go to the housing authority and tell them you want to be moved because of your roommate's risky behavior bringing multiple strange men into the house to sleep with her at night.

 

I would also guess that she will not alter her behavior at all (i.e., keep bringing strangers back while pretending she knows them better), because she has shown herself to be totally unconcerned about the impact on others and is totally selfish. So don't believe her if she says she won't bring strangers.

 

I think you should call a meeting and talk to your other roommates about what they want to do. Perhaps you could all move out together to make your point, or else you could all go together to the campus housing authority to express your concern and get her out. I'm sure the housing authority would support you and your roommates and are not willing to keep allowing something to continue that endangers women or they will be liable if you have warned them and they don't do something about it.

 

Meanwhile, get a lock for your door, and buy a stun gun and keep it by your bed.

[SapphireNoir10]

I would feel unsafe with her living in my house or the house we shared. But, give her one chance, and if she doesnt change or keeps bringing strangers back then ask her to leave.

[ellandroader]

I am in the Property Management business and if we had a guest in a home who caused any kind of threat or was a potential one, you have every right to ask them to leave. Doesn't matter who pays rent or whatever - the property and it's tenants safety take precedence. You would be in your rights to enforce that.

 

Her behaviour is disgusting on top and I don't think you should tolerate it.

[rose2summer]

I had a bipolar roommate in college who started throwing things around the room and at me when she was manic.

 

Her depressant stages were a lot more calm, but I ended up contacting my school and requesting a move.

 

I explained to them I was not being payed to babysit her and that I went to my university to educate myself not get abused in the process.

 

They completely understood and moved me.

 

Apparently, she had a reputation for doing that in the past, no one put up with her.

 

You need to look after YOU not her. She is not your problem.

 

Hugs, Rose

[midnightrambler]

vote her off the island...it would creep me out to have that going on in my house

[uhohlala]

I think you need to talk to your other housemates. If they share your perspective on your housemate's nocturnal guests, then you guys as a group should draw up a set of houe rules that you all are willing to adhere to, and present them to her. Maybe one of the rules would be something like "No overnight guests of the opposite sex who haven't been pre-approved by at least two, and ideally all, housemates."

 

That way, if one of your other housemates has a steady boyfriend who sometimes stays over it won't be a problem (assuming you guys don't mind). If your little brother or buddy from high school comes for a weekend visit, you can let your housemates know in advance and clear it with them.

 

Or however you want to construct the rules. Just be sure to make it a generalizable rule that applies equally to all housemates. If she refuses to abide by them, kick her out -- talk to the landlord (or the university if it's university property). She shouldn't be allowed to compromise your comfort and safety in the house.

 

If your other housemates are apathetic or otherwise unwilling to stand up to this girl, then see if you can move out. You don't want to have to fight this by yourself -- it's just easier to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation when change is unlikely.

[BellaDonna]

Her response was that basically she is going to do it for her own safety but is going to try not to bring complete strangers back, instead bring back she has spoke to for a while/friend of friends etc. She said although she is being selfish she's made a decision that she likes bringing guys back and she pays her share of the rent too so we are basically going to have to accept it

 

That's a little bit better- that it would at least be people that she knew better. Can you and the other housemates afford to live there without her? If so-just tell her to move out.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd not only be afraid of the concept of potential danger or theft, but also grossed out that all these random people would be using the bathroom or other stuff while they were there. It's invasive to the rest of your personal space.

 

These situations are why I could never have roommates in the past. I would never stand for what you described, and also wouldn't even like a roomate's legitimate boyfriend hanging around like a bump on a log, using my bathroom and eating out of my refridgerator. I'd cringe.

 

You and the other housemates should urge her to move out if she continues to act this way. yuck.

[lostandhurt]

Find a new roommate and tell her to leave as soon as she finds a new place to live. Or find a new place to live yourself. You shouldn't be dictating what she can and can't do. She is an adult just like you and has made a choice.

 

Lost

[HeartGoesOn]

I would tell her that if that's the lifestyle she wants to live, then she needs to do her business at a hotel, and not where she lives with roommates.

[jsx730]

When she says that she pays her share of her rent, I think she has a point.

 

If you restrict her right to allow guests into the house, you'd have to restrict the same rights from yourself and your roommates.

 

You should be securing your belongings anyways. Make sure everything valuable is locked away and out of site. Bringing home people to have sex isn't anything different then bringing people over to watch TV.

 

The one thing it would be with in your right to ask is that she doesn't do this when she's drunk beyond reason. She needs to be aware enough to control/observe her guests.

 

As long as she makes an effort to be selective and keep the house/apt as safe as possible, I think she is being fair.

[BellaDonna]

The one thing it would be with in your right to ask is that she doesn't do this when she's drunk beyond reason. She needs to be aware enough to control/observe her guests.

 

That makes sense in theory, but not really in practice. She can agree to it- but if she does indeed get drunk beyond reason some night, she will lack the reason/judgement to realize not to take the strange person home. So it will likely still happen again.

[Kantriakhor]

She does pay rent so imposing a restriction on her allows turnabout (unless you want to be hypocritical).

 

If you and the other housemates can secure the funds needed for rent without her then perhaps showing her the door would be best, but forcing someone out (especially if their name is on the lease) is difficult and if you can't make the money without her you may just have to make sure any/all items are secure with locks on your room-doors to keep things safe. You're all adults and so long as she's not doing something illegal/against the terms of the lease you can't really tell her what to do, at least not with any backing.

[rose2summer]

However, they are also not obliged to provide help if something were to happen to her.

 

They can call 911 but they don't need to risk themselves.

 

She knows fullheartedly she can be raped or end up dead and if she accepts it, it's her problem.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Isn;t this campus housing?

 

The "I pay part of the rent" argument goes out the roof if the house is owned by the campus, in my opinion.

 

First of all, this girl is underage. It isn't even legal for her to drink.

[Kantriakhor]

Isn;t this campus housing?

 

The "I pay part of the rent" argument goes out the roof if the house is owned by the campus, in my opinion.

 

First of all, this girl is underage. It isn't even legal for her to drink.

 

In that case, bring it up with campus officials, just make sure any dirty habits you all have won't get you all in trouble as well (ie drink).