How to Stop being Needy, Advice pleasssseeee....

[newlife21]

dear all, i just patched up with my bf. but i just feel it is not working.

 

i know i am not suppose to act desperate and needy, in actual fact, i am really not desperate in the sense that i am dying to get married. i am not. if i break up with him, i have no interest in man. i am pretty independent. i have my work, my hobbies, basically i know what i am doing.

 

however, towards my boyfriend, i can feel deep down i am losing control, and i HATE it. for example, if he wants to hang up the phone first, honestly, deep down i won't be happy. i try my best not to show it and keep telling myself not to be so insecured.

 

i can manage to talk myself out for not acting needy,but the end result is, my loving feeling for him will diminish and i will turn cold automatically. for eg, just now, we met after dinner, had a walk in the park and went back to car. we were not making out because it was crowded in carpark and we both knew this meeting was just to see each other. then he said he was tired, wanted to send me back. by right, i knew i should feel this was nothing wrong, but i felt unhappy. he knew i have this tendency, he asked if i am pouting, i acted normal and said of course not. when he kissed me goodbye, he said i didn't kiss him back. he is a smart guy, i am sure he could tell i didn't feel like it.

 

i love this man very much, but as long as i feel that i am not getting enough attention, i turned cold at heart. i don't want to be like this, but i cannot stop feeling this way! on outside, i didn't criticise, didn't complain, but he could sense my coldness. for myself, i don't enjoy being with him once i feel this way. i even think that since this is so painful, i feel like maybe we should call it an end. reason is: i love him too much.

 

i don' t know how to stop myself. is there any book that can help me?

[NightLily]

I don't know how to make the feelings stop. But, maybe a start would be addressing your feelings with him in a way that is more vocal instead of passive aggressive. Get it out, talk about it. Might make you feel less panicy.

[Capricorn3]

Try to remind yourself that each time you act this way with him, that it just pushes him away and has the potential to harm your relationship to the point that he'll break up with you. Is it worth it? Sometimes, seeing things from HIS perspective will encourage you to change your ways. Try not to overreact to such ordinary things - it makes you paranoid.

 

Good luck.

[newlife21]

thank you for your replies.

 

yes, i know the thing about pushing him away, that is why i acted normal. but i couldn't stop feeling my heart turn cold. i didn't feel like i want to chase after him, i feel like breaking up and ending the pain. of course, it is just a thought. i did it few times before already, both of us went through hell and patched up everytime. so i had learned my lesson well and won't mention break up again.

 

but i am not happy. reason is i love him too much. love doesn't make me happy anymore, what is going on? right now i am feeling i wish i had never met him, now i am inside and couldn't get out.

[newlife21]

i just spoke to a friend, she said my reaction could be a symptom of depression. knowing that the issue is nothing and i could react so negatively, it is not normal. so what should i do?

[DN]

I think you need to realise that a relationship is not all about you - it's about him as well. Too needy means that you are investing all of your emotional energy into him and that is too much - both for him and for you. No relationship can maintain that level of intensity and stay healthy.

 

To break up with him would be silly. Much more wise would be to understand that a well-rounded life has more to it than just revolving around a relationship.

[newlife21]

thanks for your reply.

 

the thing is i do have a life, i have my work i love, my hobbies. but when it comes to him, i lost control of my emotion. i am so sick of losing control. i think i had reached the stage that i don't want to have another relationship after this. the love thing is not fun anymore. i have difficulty in striking a balance.

 

i also suspect i may be having depression that is why i can't act "normal".

 

tomorrow i will go borders to see if i can find a book that address this issue. i need help before i screw things up again.

[top bloke]

Haha...sounds like a familiar thing from my past. You have to realise that you are obsessive because he is dynamite to you. Its wonderful you are attracted to him but realise that if you keep being needy you will sap his energy,emotions and life out of him like a heavy wet sack. If you love this man ..pace yourself

..give him some room and back off a little. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I feel you need a hobby or interest to take your mind off him and find your balance..hope this helps

[longdist]

Honestly, I don't know if you are really acting different from a normal person. I know a lot of people that will back away from kisses, etc... from their SO after they've had that relationship for awhile. You can love them, but for some reason it still happens. I did it and it wasn't always because I wanted her to show me love more. You should be aware of it, and try to make things work. I don't think I'd opt for the breakup just yet. I thought I wanted one when I was going through what you're going through. However, I've been broken up for 5 months and I still would like a second chance with my ex.

[becca0194]

I think when you go to Borders you will find some good reads that will be able to help you with this feeling. It sounds like if he ends a conversation first (or anything similiar) that you feel he must not love you enough or maybe there is some other reason he wants to go. The logic is that he probably loves your very much and simply has other things to do or is tired. That doesn't mean he loves you any less. Don't end the relationship. It is to darn hard to get a second chance and you got it. Why not tell him that you know this is an area that makes you feel bad and also makes him feel bad and you are going to work on it. Talk it through with him, find some good self help books, maybe even some therapy. This is something that you can resolve !!

[alcide]

I do feel like that at times but you need to be fair, this can cause problems between you and him, and when he notice all the atitude you putting up with him he will then start taking your love for granted.

[jasper01]

I think this is normal stuff. Sounds like you've gotten it that breaking up doesn't solve the problem. Maybe time to try something else.

Learn how to give your partner more space than he needs. Easy to get away from you.

 

This article talks about this condition, for both of you

link removed

[Tanzi]

I can be like this too at times. Its an insecurity. But as another poster said (and as you yourself know) it will push him away. He can sense your coolness towards him but what he wants to feel is your warmth.

 

I know its hard (and something I need to do myself) but when you are feeling like this try to think how much nicer it will be for him to feel your warmth and compassion instead of your coolness. For example when he takes you home because hes tired, instead of pouting and getting out of the car without kissing him, hug and kiss him instead, say good night, what a lovely time you have had, get out of the car, blow him a kiss and walk away with confident strides. Believe me you will feel sooooo good about yourself. As for you bf he would probably be left him wanting more!!! He will go home with a smile instead of a frown.

[newlife21]

thank you everybody for your time and advices, i think they really help

 

today i made a huge effort to give him space. i had the urge to look for him, as usual, but i told myself " the urge is due to depression, or the pouting is due to depression, stop it because this is an illness, you can do it." i am able to back off by doing this. this is a temporary cure, i will go to find a good book to really cure this problem of mine asap.

 

this bf of mine is not an easy one, honestly, he plays mind games consciously or subconciously. too much attention from me, he may start to not treasure me. too little attention, he pouts. we talked about it before, he admitted to me that day when i stayed away, he wanted me more. actually i am too old for this crap, but i guess this is life and i have to face the challenge. i know i can do it.

 

i will start to devote more time to myself, and let go of my obsession over him. i will try my very best to make myself happy, and not depend on him. if he makes me happy, that is a bonus, of not, i am still happy. got to try my best. i told myself that if we got back together, i would change, so i have to keep my words to myself.

 

if you have more advices, please continue to post. need as much help as possible. thank you in advance. muah!

[top bloke]

This is a great piece of advice. I totally agree. You want him to be drawn closer to you..its easy to get upset and irrational.This does make it cold..instead keep your head and keep the relationship warm. He is human too..not just an "object" of your desire.

[top bloke]

Yes do work on yourself but do not deny yourself the enjoyment of a nice relationship.In simplistic terms..dont kill it by smothering it feed it some genuine love to keep the flame going. But yes do start working on your own emotions..like yourself.

[quirky]

I relate so much to what you are saying..here's my view. Judging by the above and your first post as well I think you have trust issues regarding him. You want a stable reassuring man and he's more on off and you possibly find it hard to relax and fully express your love. Everything looks good but something is not quite right, you can't quite pinpoint it cos he'll convince you somehow or you think there's something wrong with you..is this how you feel?

[Tanzi]

This is a great piece of advice. I totally agree. You want him to be drawn closer to you..its easy to get upset and irrational.This does make it cold..instead keep your head and keep the relationship warm. He is human too..not just an "object" of your desire.

 

Yes it is very easy to get upset and irrational - if we want to make the relationship work then we have to find the strength to fight it. As you say they are only human too and may well have their insecurities aswell - who knows how they will interpret your moods and coldness towards them.

[faithful14]

i read "why men love * * * * * es" by Sherry Argov. Very helpful and funny...explains how its important to have your own life and hobbies and be independent!

[becca0194]

thank you everybody for your time and advices, i think they really help

 

today i made a huge effort to give him space. i had the urge to look for him, as usual, but i told myself " the urge is due to depression, or the pouting is due to depression, stop it because this is an illness, you can do it." i am able to back off by doing this. this is a temporary cure, i will go to find a good book to really cure this problem of mine asap.

 

this bf of mine is not an easy one, honestly, he plays mind games consciously or subconciously. too much attention from me, he may start to not treasure me. too little attention, he pouts. we talked about it before, he admitted to me

 

What kind of mind games does he play?

[newlife21]

I think this is normal stuff. Sounds like you've gotten it that breaking up doesn't solve the problem. Maybe time to try something else.

Learn how to give your partner more space than he needs. Easy to get away from you.

 

This article talks about this condition, for both of you

link removed

 

hi Jasper, i just read this article, it helps a lot! thanks very much!

[newlife21]

thank you everybody for your time and advices, i think they really help

 

What kind of mind games does he play?

 

he said when i give him space and not go out with him, he will want me more, with a slip of tongue he said is like a mind game. what i hate is when we fight, even when i apologise he won't forgive me easily, he will continue to pout, and he admits his pouting time is getting longer. i get really pissed and said why did you come back? then he will say he cannot live without me. this is so infuriating. if i am so important to him, why is he treating me like crap? anyway anyway, i am not going to focus on this negative thing, today church's sermon was to forgive and focus on god, and don't focus on things you hate. i am going to do this.