newlife21

Day 9 i feel a sense of victory i can hold out this long. i am still very pissed at him and don't have any urge to talk to him. i am sure i can hold like this forever. last night i saw him on msn ( i signed in as invisible), i almost login to see if he would talk to me. phew! i logged off instead. i am so glad i didn't login, if he ignored me he would be winning. as long as i don't contact him, i feel in control, i don't feel rejected. i still love him but hate him too.

today is your birthday, i didn't contact you, i had never been so harsh to you, i learned this from you, and not half as cruel as you had been to me. i never like silent treatment, unless it is over, which is where i am heading, or i will never do this on you. BUT YOU !! you did this to me again and again not with the intention of breaking up, and claiming to love love love me after that. are you crazy or what? you are so bloody stupid to kill me heart, kill me love for you! you are going to regret this for the rest of your life. you asked for this. i could be so nice and sweet to you, i made you so happy , we were so happy together all these three years, why did you keep doing this? why are you so immature emotionally? it is so disgusting to see a 44 years old man acting like a 4 years old, frequently. it really pissed me off, and made me lost my trust in you!!

i don't even have the urge to contact you, i am going to change my handphone so that it doesn't remind me of you. no anticipation = no pain. no expectation = no pain. i thought the problem was me, i finally realise it was you. you are defective, i couldn't do anything anymore. i am so disappointed to the extend i don't feel much anymore, not even pain. i don't hate you, i am still thankful for the great time you gave me. i must say it was the best time of my life. thanks, but i can't love you anymore. you asked for this. you are insane to treat me like that. what makes you think that i will put up with that and you can do no wrong? i am the prize, not you.

i know NC is not a tool to get your ex back, but seems that it is the only way to reverse the situation. at least the only way to make him miss me. i am still holding to hope he will come back, he did before. he said himself, when the negatives faded away after some time, he started to miss me real bad. he left without working and talking things out. not the first time, still hurts a lot. but doing NC i feel more in control. i used to chase after him, it worked for the first few times, ( we broke up many times before ), then it got harder to get him back. initiately, just one email, or appearing at his door will work. now the more i fuss over him, the more difficult he gets.

thank you peterson, this is a good reminder and encouragement. day 1 NC

i just made my breakup official, kinda put it in his mouth that he wanted it. then i can go on the kind of NC i want. i hope NC will help.