Would you dump your partner/boy/girlfriend over a kiss with someone else?

[vivisection-8]

Okay, first of all, I never, ever said that the death of someone close to me wouldn't affect me. I may be an aspie, but I AM a human being with emotions. I never said otherwise.

 

And really, I'm confident with my beliefs. Why would I ever force my bf to stray, least of all to appease you?

 

 

social experiment to see if u rly would be affected? idk

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think we should give the OP the benefit of the doubt and assume he knows how he'd feel. I know how I'd feel, as do most people.

[hexaemeron]

social experiment to see if u rly would be affected? idk

 

If he wanted to, I would support that. But I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

[SapphireNoir10]

Lets just agree to disagree here.

 

The OP has strong values and beliefs, as do you, they wont be the same.

[vivisection-8]

Lets just agree to disagree here.

 

The OP has strong values and beliefs, as do you, they wont be the same.

 

maybe my original reason for coming to these boards intermixes with my dialogue too much especially with hex. i am no stranger to infidelity in my life and it fascinates me when people are inflexible. makes me want to put them through the crucible so to speak and see what pops out in the end and if they change their ideas

 

edit to say that by put them thru the crucible i mean to say that i'd be curious to see what hex would rly do if and when his bf cheated on him -- i would think his bf is a suspicious guy if he holds that strongly onto monogamy

[hexaemeron]

maybe my original reason for coming to these boards intermixes with my dialogue too much especially with hex. i am no stranger to infidelity in my life and it fascinates me when people are inflexible. makes me want to put them through the crucible so to speak and see what pops out in the end and if they change their ideas

 

I think most people are inflexible in the way you're stating it. Most people couldn't suddenly share their partner happily any more than I can apparently understand and suddenly feel monogamous.

[vivisection-8]

I think most people are inflexible in the way you're stating it. Most people couldn't suddenly share their partner happily any more than I can apparently understand and suddenly feel monogamous.

 

most people (most, not all, just most) feel the way they feel about monogamy and cheating because they were put thru it, no?

[hexaemeron]

most people (most, not all, just most) feel the way they feel about monogamy and cheating because they were put thru it, no?

 

Or it's just how they feel. Biology and biochemistry account for a lot. And other people, like Debaser_wolf has never been cheated on, but she feel as she feels.

[Kantriakhor]

I would dump straight away, regardless of when it happened (if it happened while in the relationship). I find it an offense to the relationship, trust, and me and that's that.

[vivisection-8]

Or it's just how they feel. Biology and biochemistry account for a lot. And other people, like Debaser_wolf has never been cheated on, but she feel as she feels.

 

then how is it that u have never cheated on ur bf? or is this the one u did cheat on? i only vaguely remember the post i read from u where u stated it.

[hexaemeron]

then how is it that u have never cheated on ur bf? or is this the one u did cheat on? i only vaguely remember the post i read from u where u stated it.

 

I cheated on my previous bf and I saw the damage it did not only to our relationship but to him as a person. I won't do that to my partner.

[vivisection-8]

I cheated on my previous bf and I saw the damage it did not only to our relationship but to him as a person. I won't do that to my partner.

 

is every day not painful for u when u see all those dudes in san fran that u could be with? i would imagine ur relationship would be very painful?

 

i dont mean to pry, but ur situation is so curious to me... again w/ the masochism

[hexaemeron]

is every day not painful for u when u see all those dudes in san fran that u could be with? i would imagine ur relationship would be very painful?

 

i dont mean to pry, but ur situation is so curious to me... again w/ the masochism

 

Well, it's not easy. Without trying to sound TOO egotistical, most of that sort of thing happens via people approaching me. So there is an aspect of missed opportunity, sure.

 

But I love my partner. We have had no shortages of challenges, and there are times we would love nothing more than to hit each other with 2x4s, but at the end of the day, we love each other and try to do the best we can for each other.

[vivisection-8]

Well, it's not easy. Without trying to sound TOO egotistical, most of that sort of thing happens via people approaching me. So there is an aspect of missed opportunity, sure.

 

But I love my partner. We have had no shortages of challenges, and there are times we would love nothing more than to hit each other with 2x4s, but at the end of the day, we love each other and try to do the best we can for each other.

 

"the one that got away"

 

i apologize if i come accross as crass or something but your prideful, almost overconfident nature is akin to beating your chest with your fists and i am inclined to beat mine back in return lol

[hexaemeron]

"the one that got away"

 

i apologize if i come accross as crass or something but your prideful, almost overconfident nature is akin to beating your chest with your fists and i am inclined to beat mine back in return lol

 

I am definitely prideful, arrogant and very confident. Sometimes they're strengths. Other times, not so much.

 

I just find people fascinating. For me, just about anything can be reduced down logically into cause and effect or if/than statements.

 

It's probably limiting, and I know there are things I'll likely never feel that most people do, but the same goes for them. They'll never feel what I feel, so it evens out in the end.

[girl68]

I did not mean to avoid your question. I apologize. I suppose it's intimate, sure. I can agree there. I guess my thing is not that I can't appreciate people getting upset about it (I wouldn't), but that they'll just heave ho their relationship and everything else good about it right out the window.

 

THAT is what I don't get.

 

This will be the last attempt and making you "understand" and it will not have been the first attempt at it either.

 

Realize one thing: that understanding and agreeing are 2 very different concepts we've understood your opinion which you're perfectly entitled too but after we've explained in 9 pages you still fail to even consider how we might feel a certain way. So try opening your horizons to see something beyond what you believe.

 

For some people the betrayal of trust cuts so deep that no matter how much we love them or for how long or how great the relationship was cheating wipes the slate clean. If my SO cheated (kissing sex or otherwise) as much as I have invested in 'us' money, time, energy, and feelings I don't think I could EVER look at him without seeing that image in my head and it destroying and 'good' we had previous to that. I could never ever forget what he'd done, I would never be able to fully trust that it wouldn't happen again. And those facts would eat my heart alive. It would destroy me and I in turn would destroy us. I would hold it against him, I would feel like he had to make it up to me for the rest of my life. And no one should have to live with being "forgiven" under those terms. Forgiveness is not an option in this circumstance.

[BrunetteBarbie]

I cant forgive cheating. Making out with somebody else is cheating.... clearly it means he wants to go out and be intimite with other girls. I dont accept this. If I dont get the same loyalty back that I am giving, we are not for eachother.

[hexaemeron]

For the rest of your life???????? I mean absolutely no disrespect, because I know that you are honest about your feelings and I 100% respect your right to believe as you do, but my goodness. That does not sound like anything that would make a relationship a.) desirable or b.) fun.

 

I guess most people see relationships as an agreed to amount of co-ownership. And that really bothers me personally. I'm very independent and self-reliant. My asperger's gives me the ability and often the preference not to have anyone around for long periods of time as dealing with people is quite taxing for me. I often don't see my friends in person for months because I work a very high stress social job and then my relationship, I have no emotional bandwidth to hang out.

 

I guess I'm just not relationship-friendly.

[girl68]

For the rest of your life???????? I mean absolutely no disrespect, because I know that you are honest about your feelings and I 100% respect your right to believe as you do, but my goodness. That does not sound like anything that would make a relationship a.) desirable or b.) fun.

 

That is exactly my point. That is how I'd feel, I would hold it over his head always- forever- yes, for the rest of my life. And that fact alone would destroy the relationship therfore I would just dump him the minute I found out. I know I'd feel like that and I know that a relationship doesn't work on that principle, so basically instead of trying to forgive, forget, move on- I know myself so much better than to give that a shot.

[melrich]

A kiss? Seriously? Why?

 

I think this may give you a clue. At one level, you can only really see the other persons answer to this question if you agree (or at least understand) their relationship to a kiss.

 

My wife for example has always said to me that for her, kissing is the most intimate act. So I know, for her to kiss someone else would mean far more in terms of what is says than it would for you hexaemeron who thinks not much of a kiss.

 

The problem with these types of questions is that there are too many variables from person to person and the "conclusiopns" we draw from anothger person's answer to such questions are based on our own values. Nor that person's reality.

[oldenoughtoknow]

What kind of kiss are we talking about? A simple, quick kiss hello from a long lost friend of the opposite sex (maybe even an ex)? Or a short, passionate, make out (whatever you want to call it) session? That would be the dividing line for me.

 

Although the quick kiss with an ex would be a gray area, depending on their past and current situation. I always like the analogy of if you would do it in front of me, and have no reservations telling me about the entire event, then it's probably okay.

 

I didn't notice this went for 15 pages. Jeez, maybe it should have been a poll...

[sadrobot]

For the rest of your life???????? I mean absolutely no disrespect, because I know that you are honest about your feelings and I 100% respect your right to believe as you do, but my goodness. That does not sound like anything that would make a relationship a.) desirable or b.) fun.

 

I guess most people see relationships as an agreed to amount of co-ownership. And that really bothers me personally. I'm very independent and self-reliant. My asperger's gives me the ability and often the preference not to have anyone around for long periods of time as dealing with people is quite taxing for me. I often don't see my friends in person for months because I work a very high stress social job and then my relationship, I have no emotional bandwidth to hang out.

 

I guess I'm just not relationship-friendly.

 

In the most logical sense, I think that it's not so much "co-ownership" as it is willingly giving up certain freedoms in exchange for the percieved equivalent amount of emotional security. For the vast majority of folks, the first and foremost of these concessions is intimacy with anyone other than their SO. In any exclusive relationship, you make yourself ultimately vulnerable on an emotional level, and are thusly giving that person the ultimate trust. Acts of intimacy (kissing, sharing secrets, sex, etc.) outside that mutually understood framework are all offenses against the integrity of the relationship itself, and are highly disrespectful to the SO on the most basic of levels. To put it in a more universaly understandable way; It would be like your Mom showing up at midnight on your Birthday and telling you that she spent the entire day at Chuck E. Cheese with your friends then gave all your presents to the jerkiest jerkwad kid in your 3rd Grade class on her way home...but times a million-billion-millon. Million.

 

I can imagine it must have anxieties of its own, but your condition seems to afford you the ability to bypass this concept altogether, primarily due to the fact that you don't form the same type of lasting emotional bonds with most people, and as a result don't require the same amount of security from your partner. It stands to reason that you would have more a relaxed take on certain forms of intimacy, as you've never really NEEDED any of it to begin with. None of which is to say that you aren't capable, or don't want those things in your life, just that I'm picking up what you're laying down...

 

Something else you might consider, and something that I have found myself a party to in relationships past, is projecting your freedoms onto others. In other words, you almost entirely eliminate any expectations of your partner for fear of having any placed on yourself. It's easy to think that you wouldn't have a problem with something because you detest the feeling of confinement that comes with living up to anyone else's standards, which are admittedly often arbitrary at best. If you don't have a problem, why should they? This can easily be confused with the idea that you and your partner are ultimately accepting of each other's choices and ideals, but more often than not will build resentment of the "if he doesn't care what I do or who I do it with, why should I?" variety.

 

As many have said before, it all boils down to what is expected, what is accepted, and honest, open communication between two mature adults. I agree that in an ideal world, an individual's emotional health should be self-derived, and all other relationships should just be a healthy extension of that, but this is far from an ideal world, and we are far from perfect beings...go figure.

 

Also, I wouldn't necessarily dump someone over a kiss. And also, thanks for the healthy debate break!

[Rose21]

Hexamoron, maybe you should take a dove into your love life to see what your problem really is.

 

A kiss is cheating. Highly flirting and giving a girl your number with the intent to hang out more is "cheating"

 

Okay, I really think you need to take a step back.

 

If you think a kiss is okay, then I don't see why a girl would want to be with you.

 

Just my 2 cents, sorry if it's harsh.

[laisla]

^ rose, some people have differing values such as monogamists vs. polygamists. the OP is more like an emotional monogamist and a physical polygamist. as long as he is okay with it it is not cheating.

[Rose21]

But it doesn't matter if HE is okay.

 

It matters if the GIRL he is with CARES.