Would you dump your partner/boy/girlfriend over a kiss with someone else?

[hexaemeron]

Just understand that most people have a different set of boundaries than you. So, you should make sure that your partner/partners understand(s) what you want/expect and that way no one gets hurt.

 

Thank you, DB. I definitely try. And I really don't mean to spark such hot debating. I'm really just trying to parse this very emotional belief in logical terms I can understand.

[hexaemeron]

I don't think that kissing another person in that way is showing respect.

 

I'm definitely not your garden variety fellow.

[hexaemeron]

isnt that kind of hypocritical? u said love and sex are different. if its just sex and everyone's just trading blowjobs for handshakes then why should either of u feel compelled to say anything. it doesnt become emotional infidelity until he falls in love with the other person.

 

Because though I don't understand monogamy or a lot of the reasons people feel the way they do, I absolutely understand the value of healthy and open communication in a relationship, even though honestly I struggle to hold my end of that every day.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Thank you, DB. I definitely try. And I really don't mean to spark such hot debating. I'm really just trying to parse this very emotional belief in logical terms I can understand.

 

Cheating is something that is very painful for a lot of people. Keep in mind that many people on this board have been the victim of a cheating partner. So, it's a touchy subject. Wanting a monogamous relationship is something no one can really explain. It's just how some people are wired. It's hard to understand someone who isn't wired the same way.

[vivisection-8]

Because though I don't understand monogamy or a lot of the reasons people feel the way they do, I absolutely understand the value of healthy and open communication in a relationship, even though honestly I struggle to hold my end of that every day.

 

that doesnt answer the question that i asked. i understand that u brand urself as a fish out of water but that doesnt explain why he would have to say anything to YOU since you have no vested interest or care in him exchanging sex acts w/ other ppl

[hexaemeron]

Cheating is something that is very painful for a lot of people. Keep in mind that many people on this board have been the victim of a cheating partner. So, it's a touchy subject. Wanting a monogamous relationship is something no one can really explain. It's just how some people are wired. It's hard to understand someone who isn't wired the same way.

 

Yes. I suppose that really does work both ways.

[Cognitive_Canine]

that doesnt answer the question that i asked. i understand that u brand urself as a fish out of water but that doesnt explain why he would have to say anything to YOU since you have no vested interest or care in him exchanging sex acts w/ other ppl

 

I think it makes sense.

 

Such as, I wouldn't care if my boyfriend went to a strip club. But, if he didn't mention that he was going to one and never told me about it. It would greatly bother me. I have no problem with strip clubs...it's the lack of communication and the fact that he felt that he had to hide it from me that would hurt me.

[annalisa84]

I guess if you still wish to be with him, give him time. Be the best bf ever, let him trust you, let him enjoy the bond..

 

Meanwhile enjoy the relationship as much as you can, and slowly in time talk about the monogamy again. Baby steps. People are unbelievale adaptable. Maybe in time he is so comfortable with you, he doesn't mind sharing. But maybe he never will..

 

Anyway, I suggest you to read a book Milan Kundera "Unbearable lightness of being", it's about a couple who seem the monogamy in a very different light. My favoriet book of all time

[hexaemeron]

that doesnt answer the question that i asked. i understand that u brand urself as a fish out of water but that doesnt explain why he would have to say anything to YOU since you have no vested interest or care in him exchanging sex acts w/ other ppl

 

Just because the act itself doesn't bother me, that doesn't mean I don't want to be kept abreast of what he's doing in his life professionally, socially, emotionally, sexually, etc.

 

Interest in your partner is supposed to be a good thing, right?

[vivisection-8]

I think it makes sense.

 

Such as, I wouldn't care if my boyfriend went to a strip club. But, if he didn't mention that he was going to one and never told me about it. It would greatly bother me. I have no problem with strip clubs...it's the lack of communication and the fact that he felt that he had to hide it from me that would hurt me.

 

even tho ur example is apples for oranges, i get what you are saying. that doesnt cut this mustard tho cuz hex is saying that he doesnt care about these things and then ties emotions into it when emotions have nothing to do with it according to him.

 

part of the emotional ties to people that we form (and yes even aspies who tend to, from my knowledge, be almost cloying with people they form trusted bonds w/) help weave the intricate dynamic of monogamy

 

im betting this is much to hexs chagrin but monogamy is not just a "because i said so" issue or "because im sensitive" issue... it goes much deeper imo

[hexaemeron]

I think it makes sense.

 

Such as, I wouldn't care if my boyfriend went to a strip club. But, if he didn't mention that he was going to one and never told me about it. It would greatly bother me. I have no problem with strip clubs...it's the lack of communication and the fact that he felt that he had to hide it from me that would hurt me.

 

Yes, that's it exactly. Thank you.

[vivisection-8]

Just because the act itself doesn't bother me, that doesn't mean I don't want to be kept abreast of what he's doing in his life professionally, socially, emotionally, sexually, etc.

 

Interest in your partner is supposed to be a good thing, right?

 

yes but you are simply qualifying the information, it sounds like masochism almost. do u take pride in pain? i see that u think u would not react much at all, but where do u base this opinion out of ?? has anyone cheated on u before

[hexaemeron]

I guess if you still wish to be with him, give him time. Be the best bf ever, let him trust you, let him enjoy the bond..

 

Meanwhile enjoy the relationship as much as you can, and slowly in time talk about the monogamy again. Baby steps. People are unbelievale adaptable. Maybe in time he is so comfortable with you, he doesn't mind sharing. But maybe he never will..

 

Anyway, I suggest you to read a book Milan Kundera "Unbearable lightness of being", it's about a couple who seem the monogamy in a very different light. My favoriet book of all time

 

I've heard about that book. I usually try to read "The Four Agreements" every few months to keep good, positive ideas in my head.

 

And I do love him. And I want him to be happy.

[hexaemeron]

yes but you are simply qualifying the information, it sounds like masochism almost. do u take pride in pain? i see that u think u would not react much at all, but where do u base this opinion out of ?? has anyone cheated on u before

 

No, no one's ever cheated on me that I know of. I have this knack for picking the most conservative and traditional guys unintentionally. But no, it wouldn't and doesn't cause me any pain.

 

I don't feel jealous or possessive with respect to my partner. He's an independent, active adult and we share our lives together. He isn't MINE. He isn't my property. We share parts of ourselves.

[vivisection-8]

No, no one's ever cheated on me that I know of. I have this knack for picking the most conservative and traditional guys unintentionally. But no, it wouldn't and doesn't cause me any pain.

 

I don't feel jealous or possessive with respect to my partner. He's an independent, active adult and we share our lives together. He isn't MINE. He isn't my property. We share parts of ourselves.

 

my question is how do u know it would not cause u pain if u have never been subjected to it? this is not an ouch i cut my finger or stubbed my toe kind of thing

[hexaemeron]

my question is how do u know it would not cause u pain if u have never been subjected to it? this is not an ouch i cut my finger or stubbed my toe kind of thing

 

Because I know who I am and what I'm about. My confusion with other people doesn't extend to myself.

[Cognitive_Canine]

my question is how do u know it would not cause u pain if u have never been subjected to it? this is not an ouch i cut my finger or stubbed my toe kind of thing

 

In the same way that I know that it would cause me pain if I was cheated on. Even though I never have been.

[vivisection-8]

In the same way that I know that it would cause me pain if I was cheated on. Even though I never have been.

 

do u rly think its the same mechanic?

 

this seems like being green to think you wouldnt get hurt... by green i mean naive, etc. it is simply HONESTY imo that allows u to say u WOULD be hurt!

 

why do they not intersect, etc? because one is very logical (betrayal is painful) and one is not (betrayal is negligible)

[COtuner]

There's a discussion going on in another thread and I find this amazing. Would you break up with your partner if a kiss with someone else happened?

 

Absolutely. It's an intimate thing that belongs between BF and GF if you are in an exclusive relationship.

[SapphireNoir10]

do u rly think its the same mechanic?

 

this seems like being green to think you wouldnt get hurt... by green i mean naive, etc. it is simply HONESTY imo that allows u to say u WOULD be hurt!

 

why do they not intersect, etc? because one is very logical (betrayal is painful) and one is not (betrayal is negligible)

 

People grow up with different views, different ways of reacting. If he truly believes this then he does know he wouldnt be hurt same way I know I would.

 

Its a lets agree to disagree because everyones different.

[vivisection-8]

Because I know who I am and what I'm about. My confusion with other people doesn't extend to myself.

 

unfortunately that doesnt cut it. i can give u examples of emotional situations which u might say would not hurt u (death, loss, and stuff of that nature) and im betting if you had to go thru it it would hurt u much to your disappointment.

 

anyone can say "that wouldnt bother me"... until they actually go thru it, u cant really say...

 

here's a social experiment: force ur bf to cheat on u and see what it does

[Cognitive_Canine]

do u rly think its the same mechanic?

 

this seems like being green to think you wouldnt get hurt... by green i mean naive, etc. it is simply HONESTY imo that allows u to say u WOULD be hurt!

 

why do they not intersect, etc? because one is very logical (betrayal is painful) and one is not (betrayal is negligible)

 

Some people just aren't wired that way. It truly does not hurt them.

[vivisection-8]

People grow up with different views, different ways of reacting. If he truly believes this then he does know he wouldnt be hurt same way I know I would.

 

Its a lets agree to disagree because everyones different.

 

but he doesnt believe in polygamy

 

i dont think i understand the rhyme and reason to hexs beliefs, but he certainly has a tough exterior!

[SapphireNoir10]

He said, he believes in polygamy for sex but not in love, which a lot of people do. Swingers etc.

[hexaemeron]

unfortunately that doesnt cut it. i can give u examples of emotional situations which u might say would not hurt u (death, loss, and stuff of that nature) and im betting if you had to go thru it it would hurt u much to your disappointment.

 

anyone can say "that wouldnt bother me"... until they actually go thru it, u cant really say...

 

here's a social experiment: force ur bf to cheat on u and see what it does

 

Okay, first of all, I never, ever said that the death of someone close to me wouldn't affect me. I may be an aspie, but I AM a human being with emotions. I never said otherwise.

 

And really, I'm confident with my beliefs. Why would I ever force my bf to stray, least of all to appease you?