To those who have been dumped for someone else

[Gazoo]

nsomnia912,

 

That's not being fair to yourself. She was responsible for her 100% or her 1/2 of the relationship. It's failure is as much her fault as yours. She CHOSE to leave the relationship after not being strong enough to try and work on it. She's a selfish, coward.

[ladyninja30]

It is for sure more painful to be left for someone else, especially if they cheated on you and left you for someone else and are still with that person. My story is just that and kinda rough....

I sympathize with everyone in this thread.

[nsomnia912]

Thanks for that gazoo...I just starting to look at it as I am now single...again. and she obviously is healed and over this and she's got something and someone else wants her, we didn't belong..3 years of her being emotionally closed off and unavailable...but it still was special to me....and I loved her...and it hurts that it wasn't as special to her as i thought...

[Gazoo]

I feel that brother.

[Carus]

Kalgan, i saw your name on here and was wondering if i can ask you something.

Sure buddy....Either post it here, start a new thread with my name in the title or send me a PM depending on the nature of the question

It is for sure more painful to be left for someone else, especially if they cheated on you and left you for someone else and are still with that person. My story is just that and kinda rough....I sympathize with everyone in this thread.

I would agree....The pain really is intense and the aftermath and healing ongoing!

 

My ex is still with my replacement now 2 years out and I still have not found anyone new....stoopid rebound theory...lol

 

But to all those fresh into this fire, please take care of yourselves. If you can, go into strict NC and work on acceptance. It is incredibly hard but will stop you getting dragged under the bus for as long as I did

 

And yes, although I still think about her each day and miss what we had, that chest crushing pain has long ago subsided and I have large chunks of the day now where I truly dont think about her at all...! Woot!!

 

Ever Forward

K2* 8-)

[ladyninja30]

I would agree....The pain really is intense and the aftermath and healing ongoing!

 

I'm glad someone agrees with me on this. I'm sick of people telling me to move on like it's that easy.

[Carus]

It's not easy but it's what we must do*

 

People who say 'Just get over it' probably haven't experienced it and don't really know how to help...*

 

8-)

[Live-N-Learn]

I'm glad someone agrees with me on this. I'm sick of people telling me to move on like it's that easy.

 

Not easy at all! It is a process. For some it goes quickly and for others it takes more time. How long depends on too many factors to even try to list them all. Take your time and be patient with yourself. You will get there but there are no shortcuts.

 

Although NC is the quickest way to healing because we are not inflicting any new wounds on ourselves, it is not easy to do in the beginning. Many people including myself kept some lever of contact with the ex until the pain was so great that we finally realized for ourselves that we had to go NC and stay NC.

 

You will find your way as we all have. Keep posting and I wish you the best.

[brandnewday47]

Thought I had seen a lot of the old time threads, but missed this one!

 

It definitely isn't easy, but we don't have a lot of choices, so forge ahead we must.

 

I'm around a 1 1/2 years out, and I can say to this day I still think of her pretty much daily - different than the past though; not negatively or positively, but remnants remain. Like others, this far out I don't really talk to many people about it anymore as they expected me to be over it after a few months, sort of like a light switch.

 

One of the biggest worries for me is that I may not be able to trust again.. but like most here, I'm sure it will come around.

 

Getting through situations like this, I believe, will show the strength that we might not have known we possessed.

 

Things do get better.. keep moving forward!

[ladyninja30]

Not easy at all! It is a process. For some it goes quickly and for others it takes more time. How long depends on too many factors to even try to list them all. Take your time and be patient with yourself. You will get there but there are no shortcuts.

 

See I keep getting told I'm crazy because the time we were together is shorter than the time it's taking me to heal....but whatever, it is what it is.

[CCarmicheal]

Sure buddy....Either post it here, start a new thread with my name in the title or send me a PM depending on the nature of the question

 

Erm, how do i PM? lol

[Carus]

 

8-)

[kevkev45]

truly excellent post. My wife of yr and i broke up a month ago after 5 yrs together. so my wounds are fairly still fresh. I must say that these past months have been the most difficult of my life to say the least. We had two kids together, our first who past away on xmas day a couple of yrs back. We have had so many ups and downs and shared very sad and happy memories and traumatizing events in our lives together that it is so difficult to understand why the same day we broke up she moved in with another man and 4 days later told me that they are in a relationship. The two worked together and were literally seeing each other for several months at work and sometimes at his house with the rest of her coworkers...only because i trusted her. I asked her if there was anything going on and she denied everything. Then I began to notice that she was in our home physically, but she wasn't there emotionally and mentally. She of course denied that. I was not the perfect man 4 yrs ago and i admit making mistakes...and her main reason now for breaking up with me is because of what i did back then. She also says that she is unhappy and miserable with me and all the things i have changed since then in myself to be a better man, husband and to show her that i love and appreciate her is just me "kissing her a**" as she put it. It actually feels like i lost both our first child and her in somewhat of a similar way and it is so difficult to separate the two instances because they both feel the same to me.

I have been on an emotional rollacoster and it only makes it difficult because we have a a child together and we therefore still need to keep in contact. Each and every single detail Foreverexox mentioned is exactly how i feel, and i also did some of the things that she also mentioned. But I am gradually getting over it but i can tell it going to take a while before i can forgive her for how she handled the situation and I can only pray it gets easier...soon

[Gerda]

Wanted to share a new perspective I gained tonight, because the "being left for someone else" thing seems to be really common around here.

 

So tonight I found a good old friend on Facebook, who I'd been trying to find for years. He was really good friends with a guy I dated many years ago. I really liked his friend even though we broke up, so of course as soon as I friended him I looked to see if he was friends with this guy, and of course he was, so I checked out HIS page as well as his wife's. My ex looks so great. I can tell he's matured so much since we knew each other, and he's got 3 girls and he looks like he's happily married.

 

I was thinking of this guy, and I've always had this weakness for him, and then I recalled that it was I who left him--for somebody else. I was thinking how I miss this guy and how if I saw him again I would almost certainly feel this attraction towards him, even though I'm married now, and how this is the case for him and not most of my other exes.

 

So in retrospect, I realized that it's not so awful that I left this guy for somebody else, because I would not have left him were it not for this other guy (who happened to be a long-term ex who I'd just broken with right before we started dating.) The alternative would have been for me to just break up with him because I didn't like him any more. It was just bad timing that they came around at the same time, because as it turns out I easily miss him more than the guy I chose him for, as well as all my other exes.

 

So I don't know, I hope maybe that will provide a new perspective for somebody who has experienced this. It may not help the hurt at all, and I'm not trying to say that this is the norm (that exes carry a torch for years for somebody they left for somebody else.) But it was kind of eye-opening when I thought about the situation. I, too, was left for somebody else recently, and it totally broke my heart. I guess I'm trying to say it's better to be somebody's #2 pick than to not even be a contender.

 

I just want people to know that a person can genuinely be torn between two people, and may pick one over the other just because they are *thinking* it might work out better, but it doesn't mean the choice was easy, and even if they seem to move on quickly, it doesn't mean that you meant nothing to them. I still really like this particular guy, more so than all my other exes. He has no idea, btw. I chose the other guy because he seemed like the more logical choice--I had been with him for a year previously whereas I'd just known the other guy a few months max. I made the choice I thought was wise, but if I had it to do over I would choose differently. And btw, from the outside it would have appeared that I moved on so quickly and didn't care about the guy I left at all. And that may have been the case at that time. But NOW...12 years later I regret it.

 

So I hope that gives somebody else some hope. Honestly, at this point it doesn't make me feel any better about my situation. But I think once I get past the hurt and am able to be more objective I'll see some good in being the one who got left for somebody else, rather than being the one who got left because my lover preferred singledom. If somebody dumps you just because they don't like you, isn't that really like they left you for dozens of non-specific people they've possibly never even met yet? Isn't that possibly...worse?

[deavyin]

I have been on both sides of the equation and I have to say: being left for someone else was much much worse. You feel replaced, your ego is shattered and it makes healing so much harder because you have to imagine them having all these fun times (and sex) with someone else while you are missing them. Each time you think back on the happy memories you had together it causes untold amounts of pain because you know they are out there having those happy memories with someone else. You feel second best to another person and you hate them both. It's hard to go from love to hate in such a short time and having your emotions wretched about like that is really painful and hard to deal with. I've been left before because a girl wanted different things than I did. She saw that I was looking for a relationship and she was really focused on her work and just wanted to date around. She never left me for someone else per sey but she knew we were at different stages of our lives. It was much easier to deal with than this.

 

I would prefer to be left than to be left for someone else. Especially if the relationship you were in was absolutely fine and there were no issues with incompatibility, infidelity, lack of communication, abuse etc. The second they dump you for someone else you feel "what did this person have that I didn't." and "why wasn't I good enough for her? Can't she see that I love her". When someone just leaves you to be alone, you don't have to live in the shadow of their new relationship. Having everyone tell you "it's none of your business". Like you are supposed to just not care that they are with someone else. It doesn't work that way.

 

The pain of betrayal, IMHO, is so much worse than the pain caused by someone realizing you just aren't the one.

 

Logically I understand your point. It would be nice if, down the road, she held a flame for me and realized it was a mistake. Unfortunately, your story seems to be the exception rather than the rule. There is every chance that my ex actually did prefer this other guy. She is more compatible with him and has feelings for him she could never, and will never, develop for me. I can't tell you how pathetic that makes me feel. If she were to just leave me, at least i'd know that things wouldn't be as easy for her. It's hard to go from in a relationship to single. it's much easier to go from in a relationship to in another relationship. It makes it easier on them and so much harder on us.

 

Also, I lost a friend because of this. I have had girls who were not interested in me before and we remain friends. In hindsight I can realize that none of them would have worked with me. I can't be friends with this girl while she is still with the guy she left me for and all signs point to them being together for a loooong time. Even after they break up (if they break up) I don't know how I can ever be friends with someone who put me through something like this. I'm going to work with this girl for a while longer (probably a year or two) and it will forever be awkward when we find ourselves in the same room together. Here is a girl I confessed myself to, who I spent so much quality time with and who, ultimately, dropped me like a bad habit for her new man.

 

Lastly, if someone leaves you to be single it's much easier to convince yourself that she/he is ALWAYS single. Even if you know in the back of your mind it won't be true, it's easier to convince yourself. You break up, go NC right away, and you never have to know if she/he is seeing someone or not. When they leave you for someone else, especially if they still care about you and want friendship, you know that they are with someone until the day they say otherwise. Everyday you don't get that call/email/text saying "we broke up, I just thought you might want to know." is a reminder of the fact that she/he IS with someone and there is nothing you can do to convince yourself otherwise. Sure, you might not think about it all the time but in the back of your mind the knowledge will be there.

 

They won't always tell you if they broke up with the other person but chances are, if they want a friendship, they will. Either from guilt, or to provide you 'closure' or just to rekindle a friendship they most likely will. My big ex left me for my best friend over 4 years ago. We have not seen each other in person since. We have had maybe 10 emails back and forth in the ensuing years. We will never be friends nor do I ever want to be her friend. Still, the second they broke up, even though I was living 3000 miles away, she still called and let me know. It released so much pain and fear that I honestly thought wasn't even there anymore. Yes, i was at a point where I didn't obsess over them all the time. I really didn't care, nor did I want to hear anything about their relationship. It was 1.5 years later and I had moved on with my life. At least I thought I didn't care and the hurt was gone. The second she told me they had broke up, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I didn't even know it was there to begin with. That's when I realized that I still hid away from photos of them together or even photos of the times we spent together. I blocked out every memory we had and I never used her memory as an 'aid' in my 'private time' (sorry to be crude). Once I found out they had broken up, none of those photos or memories bothered me one bit.

 

It made me realize that it's something we will carry with us for life. Especially if THEY left US for another person. Even if we don't know it, it's there. It's selfish, but we all want to feel vindicated in the end "haha, you left me for him/her thinking he/she was the 'one' for you and THEY WEREN'T!!!" It helps you move on with your life.

 

That's just my 2 cents.

[Live-N-Learn]

I put myself through pure hell trying to get my ex back after we broke up. I was a mess for a year! She was single and slept around and we did the whole fwb thing for 11 months. I was so messed up and a fool. I thought hanging around and settling would bring her back. That she would see how great I am and want me back. Just the opposite happened. She used me for sex and to be her emotional tampon while looking for her next relationship. I think she slept with close to 10 other guys besides me in that years time. She has now been in a relationship for 4 months and we are NC.

 

We ended the fwb thing last November and I have not spoken to her since Feb. We have been NC. She did write me one email not long ago telling me how special I was and how much she missed me. She meant as a friend. She went on to say she understands and accepts why I am not talking with her and hopes we can be friends down the road. I do not want to be her friend, I can't and will never talk to her again. I learned a lot from all of this and will never settle again.

 

I will admit I am still not over it. It is hard to feel that someone you were with would break up with you, then use you for sex and support until they find someone else they like enough to commit to in a relationship. Knowing that she slept with all these other guys and me at the same time really makes me feel insignificant and cheapens my time with her. I do not feel that special anymore. I know I am a good guy but it hurt like hell. My ego got the crap beat out of it. I am recovering now and NC is the only way for me to go.

 

Next time I will walk away with my dignity and keep my head held high knowing I deserve better than this. The whole experience has been a huge life lesson I will never forget or repeat.

[Archtronics]

Well Happened to me though was kept secret for 2 months from break up so knocked me back abit, feel like I want to shout and rave at her but tbh that's not going to make me feel any better.

[chadjohnson]

ha, imagine all this * * * * , and then having this person back in ur life. tech nine!

[Notagoodninja]

Thanks for sharing, your feelings are exactly the feelings in my heart too about the whole being dumped and betrayed thing

[AlxEss]

I'm not really sure if I was left for someone else. It's kind of hard to tell when someone is not willing to take responsibility for their actions. A very odd situation....

 

We parted in late February, but she "ran into someone who was very important to her" in March but claims not to have done anything with him at our lame attempt of getting on the same page in April. As of 2 months ago, she claims to be dating someone casually and has implied she has been physical since I last saw her. Haven't talked to her since, her birthday is tomorrow.

 

So yea, technically I say she left me for someone else and you're right, it's horrible. It's tough on yourself to believe that you can feel all that love for someone with so little respect for you.

[Foreverxo]

I know this is old, but I felt it was significant enough to respond too.

 

I understand that relationships are handled differently by everyone. I understand no two people handle breakups the same way whether it was their decision, mutual, they were blindsided or another person was involved. I am not telling you how to feel, but hope I can shed light on the saddening situation.

 

I think temptation for someone else will always exist. Some people channel it almost completely, while others give in. I don't look at it like "what did they have that I don't?" because everyone has something different to offer. It does not mean you are inferior. I think some people just give in to their temptation to other people quicklier than others, as unfair as it is, no matter how good their relationship is. It doesn't necessarily mean you were a bad boyfriend/girlfriend, but rather they were weak. They chose to dive in and almost test their decisions and happiness in life. I think it is our duty to love and respect the person we are with and channel every temptation. I would never do that to someone, but not everyone is like that.

 

If you put everything you had into the relationship and you believed it was a good one, then chances are your ex will remember that no matter what happens with this new person. I think that is much more positive then looking back and saying wow that could have never worked- we were on two different pages especially if you invested a lot into the relationship. The initial sting is the worst feeling, but that sparks the healing process a lot sooner. Of course it is a lot to handle at once, but the worse is over at this point. You don't have to wait to see them with someone else down the road.

 

Betrayal comes from thinking in the present. It comes from impulse. Nobody plots for months and years to leave someone for someone else. It just happens. It doesn't make it right. I chose not to feel betrayed because that meant he did this on purpose- to hurt me. When in reality he was trying to just find happiness in his own life. Like I said, its not right- but it let me know sooner that this was not working and put me on the road to finding my happiness.

 

You only carry it with you for your life if you let yourself. I chose to look at it as my ex gave into temptation to see if he was missing a vital part in his life. I knew he didn't think anything bad of me and he knew I had a lot to offer. Of course I was crushed, but I was forced to move on. When they broke up I did not feel any different. What happened, happened and I needed to worry about myself.

 

I am not saying I wasn't devastated at what happened when it happened. I had a lot of time to reflect and look at the positives. This is what I came up with. It doesn't mean I never hurt over the situation- but I did learn some things and do not look at is at negativity as I once did. I hope someone else can let go of the pain too.

[Carus]

Thanks for bumping this thread Foreverxo....coz yes everyone heals differently but boy did I relate to that post by Deavyn*...! (wonder how he's goin' actually?)

 

I got left for someone else 3 years ago....

 

They are still together, I am still alone....

It took me almost 2 years just to see straight again!!

 

It remains a small stone in the shoe of my healing*

 

I also think a lot of damage was done by her sporadic contact and all of the Rebound Theories that I desperately clung to for many months before having the fortitude to say "Enough!".....

 

Still, the lessons learned and the strengths gained through that EXperience will be invaluable as I move forward with my life...

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[Silverbirch]

Hey Hugs Carus,

I think I truly do feel indifferent towards my ex - and I NEVER thought I would, but to be truthful, I feel bitterness about the time I wasted with him and that I didn't see what he was really about until I'd had months of NC. Their sporadic contact is SO selfish. I feel a real lack of respect towards my ex these days.

[scornedwife]

Thank you for this. After being with my ex husband for 23 years, married 21, he dumped me for someone he found on the Internet Friendship sites 18 months ago. He became so abusive and couldn't look me in the face but had to hide behind Facebook and text messaging. He actually tells me he cares about but doesn't love me. I get spousal support from him but I would give every cent back if I could be with him again but it's not to be.

 

I think "his new wife" is a prostitute because he paid to be with her. He got remarried before our divorce was final. I am not completely happy and I have made lots of mistakes but I am getting to a better place. I don't think I will be in a relationship again though. I have come to realize I am not relationship material. Oh well. I met a few people but none are for me. One an alcoholic, another a druggie. NO THANKS.

 

I will put my energies into school and a career.

 

I wish my ex husband much happiness. He wasn't happy with me and I hope he is happy with her. It still hurts when I see his picture which we have two sons together and he is on one's Facebook page.

 

Anyway thank you for this. It actually helped me feel better.

[KYRiverGrl]

Great original post. It sums up, perfectly, the horrific emotions that go with being left for someone else. I would not wish that experience on my worst enemy.