To those who have been dumped for someone else

[theanongirl89]

It's been 6 months since he dumped me for her after 5 years... I promise it gets better, I promise. Thank you for this post, I read it everyday. If you need my support, don't hesitate to contact me, please.

[BlueMine]

I have recently been dumped very badly.

My boyfriend of 3 years went abroad for higher education. He found new girl there and within 2 weeks he got in serious relation with her. Worse part is that i was completely unaware. He stopped giving me much time. He was crazy in love with me and even cried when he was leaving me to go abroad and suddenly he was totally chill about the distance and time issues. He hardly called me and i was the one trying to connect to him. He gave reasons that he is busy. I was fed up with it so i asked him do you want to break up and he agreed. I missed him so much so i asked him to reconcile for that also he agreed. But this ignorance continued. One day i got message from his new girlfriend that they are in relation and why i am blackmailing her man when he already ended things with you.He never did and always gave me false promises. My world shattered into pieces. He was cheating plus he made fun of me that i am some psycho ex. That man was playing with 2 girls. He wanted both at same time. I left him, i cannot be with a cheater. They are happy together and i am broken. Waiting for time to heal me. Thank you for your post, i feel that i am not alone.

[zynxus]

Hey BlueMine, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I am going through a very similar experience.

 

I'm a 26yr old guy (27 next month) and was with a 25yr old girl for 7 years. Our relationship started out long distance whilst at uni and after 3 years we moved to London to live and work together (from the Midlands). It was the pinnacle of our relationship we were flying. A year later we decided to move back to the Midlands in search for a more balanced life, marriage etc etc. Fast forward 2 years to a few months back we had been seriously discussing marriage for over a year, integrated into each others family etc. In June I got onto the housing ladder a starter home for us and was going to propose at the end of this year. She always knew this and had been hinting to me for a while.

 

So 2 months ago after her birthday, she tells me she is suddenly attracted to other guys and had fallen out of love with me and that she wanted to breakup. This was an earth shattering bombshell and i could barely function the following couple of weeks. I later discovered she had met some 32yr old 'bad boy' on her daily train commute to work a week or 2 before we split and she had been seeing him intensely since the breakup. She lied about what was really happening but eventually the truth came out that she had started sleeping with him almost right away has completely cut me out of her life and has within weeks fallen for him and has even spoken to her mum about meeting him and settling down together.

 

I. Have. Been. Completely. Broken. By. This.

 

I was accustomed to her being an emotional mess when things got hard, she would make rash decisions and get herself into a mess a lot. She had it rough growing up with her parents splitting which was very messy in many ways and over the years support from her family has been virtually non existent. I was her rock for years and she used to love and appreciate me so much for it, we carved out successfully careers saved plenty of money and were at the final stage for her to blow it all.

 

Fyi the other guy doesnt drive, speaks like a bit of a 'gangster' is a bit of a bum. He also lives with his mum and only has a small group of friends 8 or 9 years his junior. I also know that he has smoked a lot of pot the last 10 years and that he has no savings (mostly through my ex's little sister who has met him) we couldn't be more different -

 

I've been coping much better the last week after going away on holiday but have struggled a lot with many emotions. Has anyone been through anything similar?

[Edith Piaf]

Thank you so much for this. I've just found out that my relationship actually ended because he was seeing another girl behind my back. I don't envy her as I know he would happily have juggled us both if he had had the option, but I do miss him and what I thought we had. I'm hoping this makes me stronger. I'm in my 40s and have never had a broken heart before. Thanks for writing a post that gives me hope that I will get past this xx

[Sillybillycat]

Wow, this is such an old post, but describes my very emotional situation. He dumped me a month ago, but only three days ago I found out he dumped me for someone else and not because all the other stuff he said. I really hope it gets better in not a very long time!

[Michele32]

Very well said. Thank you for posting this.

[eho123]

Although this message thread was started years ago, I'm glad I found this online. I can totally relate to what everyone has posted here and it is comforting to see people who have gone through a similar experience as mine.

 

My situation is slightly different in that I was dumped by someone whom I was on the verge of dating, and that my feelings of betrayal are not towards him but more towards the person whom he ended up with. I just hope this won't be too long to read.

 

I'm a gay guy and last summer, I met someone who had answered a personal ad I had put online (I will refer to him as “MM”). We seemed to hit it off and we were starting to become attracted to each other. We never got very physically intimate though because I wanted to take things slow and get to know him better before going down that road.

 

Later in the fall, I introduced MM to my circle of friends. Then a few weeks later, after he was dropping me off after dinner, he said he felt we weren't compatible for dating and that one of the friends whom had I introduced him to (I will refer to him simply as “KL”), had been pursuing him behind my back. Despite being interested himself, MM had been hesitant to accept KL's advances because he wanted to see if I was okay with it.

 

Needless to say, I was taken aback and shocked by this. MM asked if we could still be friends and in an attempt to save face, I said yes. He was planning to meet up with KL for a date a few days later. However, in spite of this, MM admitted he was still attracted to me and would consider a friendship-with-benefits, if it were possible.

 

A few days later I confronted KL. He played dumb and claimed that he didn't know that I was interested in MM (even though I had strongly hinted at it when I first described him), that he thought we were simply platonic friends. KL tried to make me doubt the MM's honesty even though MM had told me first, and KL had said absolutely nothing and would have continued to stay silent until I had confronted him. KL also insisted that if he were dating MM, that they would have to be exclusive to each other.

 

At first I was willing to give KL the benefit of the doubt and naively believed he really was ignorant about not knowing of my interest in MM. I felt that if KL and MM liked each other, it wasn't for me to stand in their way. However, KL later started bragging to other friends in our circle about how his relationship with MM was becoming very passionate and moving fast, to the point where they were leaving personal belongings in each other's homes. I also made the mistake of telling KL that perhaps I should re-evaluate whether or not I should continue to be friends with MM, that I would have a talk with MM in the morning. I only felt that way because I wanted to protect myself emotionally and not because I was trying to hurt MM. However, KL knew I was feeling emotionally distraught and used it to his advantage. He went ahead and told MM that I wanted to end my friendship with him before I could even start a conversation with MM the next day.

 

Understand, I felt differently in the morning and had changed my mind and wanted to keep MM as a friend. We had genuinely gotten to know each other and I felt there was a connection. However, KL saw me as a threat to his potential relationship and intentionally saw this as an opportunity to create a rift because he knew MM was still attracted to me. However, KL didn't even want me and MM as platonic friends because of his own insecurity.

 

What ended up happening is that MM blew up at me and felt that I had deceived him about being okay with the situation. We had a heated exchange through text. Originally we had planned to meet up after this conversation to clear the air, but MM later changed his mind because he was still angry.

 

My best friend told me that KL also flat out lied about being unaware about my interest in MM. In the beginning, I had told KL that MM was someone with whom I wanted to see where things would lead. When I first introduced MM to my friends, he and I often walked together alone apart from the rest of the group. KL had noticed this and commented on that to my best friend.

 

Another thing to mention is that MM is not part of our social circle and only met the others (aside from KL) once. However, KL was part of our social circle for about 4 years. I ended up telling him off through a Facebook conversation (which included my best friend and another friend) and ended my friendship with KL.

 

My best friend and the other friend were appalled by KL's behavior in this situation but also had their own issues with him, so they ended their friendship with him as well.

 

Another mutual friend who knows KL says he’s still together with MM right now, but that KL's insecurity is leading him to think the he can always lose MM. It’s clear that KL knows what he did was wrong, and is trying to watch his back. So, he’s constantly scheming and plotting to try to keep MM's attention on him by ensuring they lock off as much time as possible alone together.

 

In contrast, when MM and I were getting to know each other, I never felt like I had to ensure his attention was on me. The interest he had for me just happened naturally. Plus, I knew he had a life outside of me as well, with his friends and his family, so it never bothered me if he was busy with them.

 

One thing I’ve come to realize is that the ex-friend KL, exhibits traits of narcissistic personality disorder. From the research I've done online, he would be what you’d call a covert narcissist as opposed to the traditional overt narcissist. Ever since I first befriended him 5 years ago, he had been desperate for a boyfriend and had no luck in meeting guys on his own. Earlier in the year, KL had also tried to make advances towards my best friend's boyfriend, despite knowing they were dating. He didn't succeed because my BF's boyfriend wasn't interested and didn't reciprocate. However, that didn't stop KL from constantly trying to upstage my best friend by monopolizing the attention of my BF’s boyfriend whenever we met up as a group.

 

Overall, this situation has been very painful for me. I feel like I was dumped and replaced by MM for someone else before I could even show what I had to offer. And when I see how KL ended up with MM as his boyfriend through scheming, back-stabbing, deceit and lies, and how they may end up happily ever after...while I ended up with nothing...it really hurts. Although I will be honest in saying I didn't fall in love with MM, I did admit to myself that I was attracted to him. Above all though, I came to value his friendship.

 

The only glimmer of hope is that MM hasn't removed me from his Facebook friend list since all of this happened. And in the first week of January, he finally responded to a text I sent him in December, wishing him a Merry Christmas. It was a short, polite message, and although I have no expectations, it's still something. He also responded to a Facebook message I had sent him recently with regards to some photos I had posted from an event we checked out together in the fall. Other than that, I have tried to go the no-contact route.

 

I blame myself for not being more open with my feelings for MM. Sadly, I don't have much relationship experience, and I should have had a talk with MM about the way things were going between us. When we had our falling out, he admitted that we had misread each other, as he assumed I didn't reciprocate his feelings. Perhaps we were going at different speeds...he wanted things to move faster, while I was taking my time.

 

If MM had simply met someone else whom I didn't know, I would still have been hurt, but I think it would be easier to move on. Given that my ex-friend KL seemed to be plotting to make his move on the first day he met MM though, it's like a double whammy of dealing with both rejection by someone I was interested in and betrayal by someone whom I thought was a friend. For the past 3 months, I have tried to force myself to move on by putting myself out there and meeting other guys, but it's been a challenge.