To those who have been dumped for someone else

[TessaB]

Thanks for the words in this. To the OP, this is exactly how I feel and exactly what I am going through. It is so hard. I don't even really know all the answers, and at this point it doesn't matter. After a two year relationship (marriage was talked about, great times, said a week before the break up he wanted this realtionship and wanted to put work into it....etc...all that.), he broke up with me 'suddenly' (though we now know it was apparently coming...) because he didn't have 'those feelings' anymore. After 6 weeks of no contact, he says he does have feelings for someone else that he met while we were together. Also built me up on how much he 'values me.' Although he said it had no bearing on our break up and that he didn't talk to her anymore while we were together, none of that matters. Either he is honest, but he still met someone while were together, so it was an emotional kind of manipulation, where he knew he had that comfort to fall back on. Or, he's a liar and was talking with her while we were together. Either way, it's the same hurt for me.

 

I question myself all the time, mostly because this part is so new. What did/didn't I do? Why am I not good enough? How did this happen and why didn't I see it coming? People break up and people lose feelings, but it's a whole other beast when you realize the person you gave everything to is not the person you thought they were, takes everything away from you and seemlingly could care less. It is devestating.

 

Every situation is different, but I strongly believe now everyone should listen to the advice here I spend 6 weeks no contact working on myself and doing great stuff, but I had the smallest hope, against opinions on here, that maybe...things would work out. Then I found this out, there is no more hope and it feels like I have started over again in healing. So, it's hard...but I do encourage everyone to take the BU for what it is and start your healing immediately. And, keep reading and re-reading this site. It's helpful. Thanks for bumping this up.

[Johnp82]

I want to say thanks, this thread has really helped me out and explains a lot of how I'm feeling. I was left for a guy who was "just a friend" after dating for nearly a year. I can't help but feel like a loser at times because I guess it feels like this guy won. However at the same time I know that I should be happy to be rid of someone that would allow themselves to fall for someone else while in a committed relationship.

 

Still here I am trying pick up the pieces and move on with my life while the two of them get to be happy together.

[alonelyfigure]

i all, am going to bump this thread as out of all the pieces on the internet, this has been my one saving grace.

 

My ex fiancee of two years, gf for a total of 6, cheated on me at a wedding two months ago, messed me around for a month afterwards while I was desperate to try and fix things and has now left me for the guy she slept with. I am a lot better than I was back then, however I still dream about her which puts me on a downer before the day has even begun. She wasn't amicable after she split up with me, demanding this and that, getting in touch with me about wanting this and that when I gave her more possessions than I needed to when she moved out. A month before she slept with this guy, she had told me she wanted to go and get married this October!

 

If she had moved on, showed her regret and was humble then it would've been easier to take, however I have heard through mutual friends that she was wanting to deliberately antagonise me by changing her fb status to in a relationship so soon after we split up. I do still struggle from time to time with my feelings, as I do still love her, and sometimes I wish we could turn back the clock. Then I think to myself that things could've been a lot lot worse, we might have been married, in which case things would've been a whole lot messier.

 

She was a single mum when I met her, I brought her child up for 6 years as my own, she called me dad, but I felt I had to cut all contact with her in order to allow myself to move on but more importantly for her to move on. The kid still sees her biological dad now and again, will be meeting this new guy, still sees the person who looked after her before I came onto the scene as well. As much as it kills me, I feel I need to be one less complication in her life. A young girl doesn't need so many male figures in her life, it will only confuse her.

 

Back on topic, this thread has helped me immensely, the OP summarises everything I have done and felt during this process. I know it will be a long road, but one I will get to the end of.

[Blue Wolf]

Wow..this is a great post. Thank you very much Foreverxo!!

[FreeFallFeelin]

What a great OP. I've been surfing this forum for 6+ months now and never saw this post. It describes perfectly what it's like to be dumped for somebody else. It's taken me six months to organize thoughts to the point where I can say that this post nails it with great detail. I would label this thread as 'standard reading material' for anyone that has been "replaced".

[maybelater]

This post is amazingly succinct. Hit the nail of my emotions on it's head. Although I feel pain, I agree with the comment someone made that this way, although initially debilitating, is seemingly a blessing in disguise because all the hard stuff that comes with healing is at the forefront. And if THIS didn't kill you then you can and will make it through the rest. Sometimes it is still tough... but now 6 mos. out I know I did this the right way... wasn't easy, it has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Tested my strength, will to live, sanity, health, and general being. But I survived and know that even though there are days I feel numb... that I can see that I will someday completely understand why this happened. Just trust in yourself and God that there is a light for us at the end of this tunnel... and we needed to learn something. I have sometimes realized in life that God has to break you completely in order to wake you up and refocus your life and for me, personally, I feel like that is what happened here. That God knew I would have never had the strength to leave and change my life so the pain had to be so great that I had no other option but to fight for myself and forge a new path. Just keep holding on everyone. A bad day in the healing process does not mean all is lost, it only means you are human.

[soinlove69]

This is a perfect story ...this is actually the same as mine...... Thank you for this post, lately i am bothered to contact my ex and ask for some explanations but now ur right i don't expect her to give me some bs reasons why she left me, i should move on and love myself more..........

[susieh]

I am feeling intense pain as my 10 year relationship has ended. He was the only man I have ever loved and I knew it on the very first night I met him. i was faithful but not perfect. I found it hard to show how much I loved him as I was insecure. We had an amazingly passionate love life which never dwindled. Two months ago he tells me he met someone else for love and affection not sex as our sex life could never be bettered. I was and still am devastated. He said he would not have gotten involved with someone else had he known my true feelings but that it is too late now which makes me torture myself with regret for not being more loving. He wanted us to continue seeing each other for sex while he develops his new relationship. I was so shocked and insulted that he would think I could accept this. I have never experienced pain like this before. I have lost a stone in weight. I was slim anyway now I can feel my bones sticking out. He still shows up and twice I have slept with him which I am so ashamed of myself for but the need to be hugged and kissed was so overwhelming I lost control. I need to go no contact but the thought of it terrifies me. It would almost be easier if he said he never wanted to see me again but he doesnt quite want to let go. I cannot imagine loving someone else as much as him. I dont fall easily and loved being with someone I truly loved. I wish this pain and sadness would end.

[lovebre]

Describes my situations perfectly. I was left for someone else 2 times in the past 7 months by a boyfriend (in Feburary) and an ex that wanted to 'start over' (this week) It hurt like hell and as soon as I got over it the first time it happened again this week. I'm feeling replaced again and today I did ask myself what the heck does she have that I don't? I haven't done anything I have regretted because I'm pro at no contact (lol) but I have a strong urge to text that jerk and tell him off. Why lead me on? Who do you think you are? It is extremely hard and my self esteem is pretty much non existant right now, but I know that I will get over it especially since I just went through it not to long ago I just wish I could fast forward time so I could be done with the pain of it all.

[secondchance67]

I concur with everyone's thoughts on this thread.

 

It is a huge undertaking to not allow yourself to take the blame for another' person's actions; to rationalize them away, take the hit, and make it about what you didn't do right..what you didn't offer...where and how you didn't measure up......

 

The thing to focus on is that in most cases, this was never about you at all, but more the insecurities and need for validation your ex was seeking...seeking to fill a never ending black hole within them, never satisfied, always needing the thrill of the honeymoon phase and of "falling in love or being so in love"....they will jump from one person to the next, like a junkie seeking a fix...over and over and over....

[One day]

I concur with everyone's thoughts on this thread.

 

It is a huge undertaking to not allow yourself to take the blame for another' person's actions; to rationalize them away, take the hit, and make it about what you didn't do right..what you didn't offer...where and how you didn't measure up......

 

The thing to focus on is that in most cases, this was never about you at all, but more the insecurities and need for validation your ex was seeking...seeking to fill a never ending black hole within them, never satisfied, always needing the thrill of the honeymoon phase and of "falling in love or being so in love"....they will jump from one person to the next, like a junkie seeking a fix...over and over and over....

 

SC,

 

As always thanks for you input, this describes my ex to a T, such a shame that 1 person will never be enough and the need for a "fan club" and constant affirmation will always haunt her.

[StandingProud]

...

The thing to focus on is that in most cases, this was never about you at all, but more the insecurities and need for validation your ex was seeking...seeking to fill a never ending black hole within them, never satisfied, always needing the thrill of the honeymoon phase and of "falling in love or being so in love"....they will jump from one person to the next, like a junkie seeking a fix...over and over and over....

 

You've no idea how timely this post is. Despite ups and down with my own state of mind, my ex and I still chat, text, see each other in person, and I've just found out (by accident as it happens) that a photo I saw on her phone the other day is not the person she said she was wanting to see how things worked out with when she broke up with me 6 months ago, nor was it the person about whom she texted me two months ago (saying she'd been seeing someone for a couple of months), but someone else that looks to have appeared on the scene last month.

[ZhaoZilong5]

I envy the lot of you who have family and friends who support you. Maybe not. The only thing that diverted me away from my pain from being dumped for somebody else was the pain of my friends turning on me...abandoning me, the anger in their faces and actions, the disappointment in their words. Such resentment flying at me not because I'm acting based on emotions that stemmed from the BU but because my BU gave me insight on what was finally the right thing for me to do. Now I say...f*ck them, and f*ck everybody else who is disappointed that I threw them under the bus for the high ground. If they can't morally match me or even trust me, then they can get out of my life. They were useful for one thing...the feeling of abandonment didn't stack. It was a distraction from the more painful feeling of my BU.

[NjoyStick]

It's hard being dumped for someone else, i believe it happened to me.

I was in a relationship for 4 years, i did everything for her, we did everything together, it was true love and even 2 weeks before dumping me she cried and told me she loved me and would never let me go, i found out later that she was already talking to a friend of hers for a couple of months and when she dumped me she started dating him a week later and after a few dates they were in a relationship.

 

It took me a year to earn her trust but she trusted him already after a couple of days, same as the activities, we did alot together but we took it easy, our first 2 years together we went to a theme park, a weekend to a bungalow, a holiday together and stuff like that but with this new guy she did the same things within 2 months.

 

Funny how she claims to be so happy with him, even if it's just for the moment (she told me this).

 

Another thing is that i know they are not compatible with eachother.

I was caring, sweet, supporting and did everything for her, this new guy is arrogant, selfish, stubborn, a complete dumpsterfire and has a short fuse, so why she would start a relationship with someone she didn't like before... Beats me.

 

I'm just healing and not really hoping anymore for her comeback, maybe she'll regret it one day cause i know that i did so much for her and gave her alot of nice things, i always made her feel special, treating her like a princess.

 

Too bad she dumped for those BS reasons, love you but not in love, no more spark bla bla.

 

Ah well, she'll realise soon enough i guess...

[Hi Its Me]

Amazing post OP

[Johanna81]

This just happened to me- and it sucks big time! great post though!

[beatlesfan123]

Excellent thread. I don't know if I was left for another person, would like to believe my ex wanted to be alone, but knowing her she probably had someone lined up at the least...

 

I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that the person who leaves you, either for someone else or not, just cannot provide you with an explanation. Something to help you on your way. Is it because they secretly don't want you to move on for the ego boost and that they want you to struggle so if they come back you still might take them? Even typing this question upsets me... just because someone decides they don't want to be with you, they don't have to neglect your feelings altogether. I am pretty sure if I broke up with my ex for someone else or whatever reason I would do my best to help them understand it wasn't their fault and that I was just being selfish, and if it was their fault then I'd tell them why. Then again I'm just an honest and compassionate person and still a bit bummed my ex wasn't.

[Johanna81]

I understand 100% I think they do it as a way to keep the door cracked open in case it doesn't work with the new person. In my situation he lied to my face multiple times that their was anyone else, defriended me and anyone that would tell me what is going on and telling mutual friends he doesn't want to get into it. Plausible deniability- doesn't work out with the new person they can come back saying they just needed time or something like that. That's what im starting to think anyways.

[Iamstruggling]

I wish my ex was just honest with me, I asked her if she was seeing someone and she had a go at me. Then she deleted me from facebook but the stupid ***** forgot we got mutual friends on facebook, she then changed her status to in a relationship which was backed dated over 2 weeks before I asked her. I have been looking for answers, blaming myself was the main thing I did to start with and in the last week I have been walking around like a zombie not being able to think straight and this is over 2 months later. I really hope it gets better soon because I am starting to lose focus and thats one thing I can't afford to lose at the moment, I know that Sometimes the Answer Is, There Is No Answer but I wish there was because I am clinging on to false hope she will come crawling back to me.

[kz91]

My girlfriend of one year ended our relationship so she could be with another guy, she was in a relationship with him whilst she was with me, I only recently found out and all she said was sorry. I'm going through so much pain and I've never been hurt like this. It's torture, every single day.

[kobe2345]

Great Op, after being betrayed and dumped for someone else, would u try to become friends with them? and of course after ur feelings for them have died...

[Megs75]

I can honestly say that everything you said made me feel like i was reading my own thoughts. It has been 5 months for me and i don't feel like the situation is getting any better, sometimes i feel like its getting worse. We were together for five yrs and were planning to move to a different part of the country and start a life together. Before i knew it i was being told that he wanted a break and that he needs time to himself. I knew from that moment what he was up to, and had a fair idea who with. Anyways, i'm absolutely devastated and just want this feeling of doom and gloom to go away. To go to sleep with a broken heart is like torture, its knowing that my nightmares are my reality. I try to occupy myself all the time, with work, friends exercise but i cannot get him out my head and the thought of him being with someone else rather then me sometimes becomes so hard to bare. Everywhere i go, things on tv, the radio, things people say in their sentences, brochures in the mail, absolutely everything reminds me of him and i cant escape it. I have done the begging, sending constant messages, i have even gone as far and lost all control and been around there a few times going off like a mad woman. I feel like im suppose to be strong but how are you suppose to move on when you don't want to. Im not in denial of the fact he's with her and no doubt they are doing all the things that we use. At the moment as much as i still love him, i hate him. He was a huge part of me and then one day i turn around and he's not there anymore. It just doesn't make sense to me still to this day why he left like that, its very confusing. During the break we kept seeing each other from time to time and even went away on the trip we booked that was meant for us to go start the process for us to build a house on the block we got. While i was there my suspicions got the better of me and i went through his phone and found pictures and a message from her saying that she had feelings for him and that she daydreams about him all the time, and that she even thinks about marriage and kids and pretty much asking him to make a choice between her and i. I felt like being sick, and i was shaking that much i almost dropped the phone, just felt like my throat was closing up and i wanted to get him and well lets just say hurt him very badly.

Not long after we got back i found out i was pregnant with his child which had happened before we broke up, when everything was what i thought great and he was still in love with me because he never showed me any different. So for the next few weeks it was horrible, he was scared that having a baby would ruin our lives and that he was not ready to be a dad, i felt awful. So when i finally decided i had to make the most hardest decision of my life and terminate the pregnancy, he sent me a message saying that he hopes i'm okay and that he still loves me but just very confused. I had to go through it all on my own, he never even offered me money once. Since then she has moved back to town and they are together and he does not speak to me at all. I'm scared of what i will do if i ever see them out somewhere, not so much physical, but giving them a piece of my mind.

Everyday is a challenge for me, and when i'm at work, with friends or family i put on a brave face, but inside i'm dying.

Im not a religious person, but i find myself asking god why and to help me everyday to stop the pain. I long for the day when i no longer feel like i do.

Its good to read your and others post and know that im not the only one who thinks like i do. Feel like a mad woman sometimes, just have to find my something to help me through this.

[Kittykat12]

Great Op, after being betrayed and dumped for someone else, would u try to become friends with them? and of course after ur feelings for them have died...

 

I would be interested in hearing people's opinions on this. Not that I think I will ever be his friend , but anyone done it ? Or think they could?

 

I guess it depends on the level of betrayal

[haggard969]

Ex fiance cheated on me and left me for a different man (not the one she cheated on me with) so it was like a double whammy, took me like 7-8 months to get over it dated again and I was dumped again, I don't know if it was for someone else but I would rather not know.

 

I literally have no trust for women but I know I'll get there once again, and yes being left fro someone else hurts like hell because you feel liek your not good enough, your confidence self esteem is shattered and you feel like you can never trust anyone again.

 

 

 

same thing happened to me, my to be wife cheated on me with this guy i know, they dated then she dumped him n got married to another guy and pregnant in 4 months of been split up, we were together for 5 years with a child. there seems to be two types of people in the world. theres people who are real, and people who are fake. the fake ones can live their life like a parasite, consuming until somthing better comes along, the real people think with logic and are loyal and honorable. its hard to tell fake from reality some times. i have been fooled twice, my gf just dumped me after promising me everything and taking it all away

[puccapo]

SORRY FO LONG POST

I have been reading all posts now, and all I can say is thank you. I have been talking to my friends about my breakup but none of them have been through the same thing as me, so all these posts are making me feel a little better. I just need to get out my story. Need a response.

 

My boyfriend for 11 months broke up with me for exactly a week ago. It all came as a huge surprise because the same day as the breakup he texted me multiple times and said that he was so in love with me and that it was not possible to love me anymore than he did. On the evening when he came home (yeah he lived with me in my apartment) he was talking about how he at work had said that he still loved me and such. He told me that he later that night was going to drive a friend home, and I did not give any special thoughts about that. So he then drove away, and were gone for three hours! I got so worried! I called and texted and wrote on facebook (and saw that he had seen) and no response. He then called me and said that his phone had died and was going to come home right away. When he got home, he just said right away “we need to talk.” His reasons for breaking up with me was apparently that he had lost his feelings and had to be in a relationship with feelings and that this was for the best. I asked if there was another girl and he said that he met one two days before but she was not the reason. The day after he came to get his stuff and haven’t heard from him since. Then yesterday his sister texted me and said that she had introduced a new girl to the family. I talked to his best friend who knew about this and was angry and had tried to talk to him and he said that this had been going on for a month.

 

I was so mad at him yesterday. How could he do this to me!? After all the things I did for him. After all he said. No respect nothing! I’m so sad. I still love him, so, so much. And I can’t really function. I’ve read that some of the posts said that forgiveness was the best thing they did, how can you forgive someone for such a betrayal? I don’t want to feel pain anymore. I want him to feel pain, to regret what he did. How can you even try to love someone else again with the option that this feeling can come again, or that you might have to give this pain to someone else?