THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[permanentshrug]

So I'll try and fill in the details of my breakup as I go, but the main thing is I went NC immediately after she dumped me- which I'm proud of. It's two weeks later and I'm in a bit of a weird state. I no longer feel this intense pressure to contact her, and I'm not as deeply depressed as I was even a few days ago (although this could change- it did a lot last week). I just feel...bored. And I'm worried that I'm going to do something out of boredom more than anything. Such as...a few hours ago, I seriously considered sending an email to my ex. I have a bunch of photos of her that I don't want to delete, so I'd rather she took them and did whatever she wants with them. I wasn't really going to say anything in the email- just a friendly 'Hope you're doing ok'. I talked myself out of it because I've made it to two weeks without cracking. I said to myself I would do at least 30 days NC, and even after that I wouldn't initiate conversation. But the sheer boredom of not having her messaging me, plus the fact that I'm trying to write a screenplay and the ideas are flowing really slowly, is tempting me to break NC. I don't think I will, but it's a more insidious feeling than last week when I nearly had an anxiety attack because I couldn't message her.

 

There are other things that I've done out of boredom, that I'm really not proud of. I'm feeling the physical loss as much as the emotional side of it (she was my first steady- well, relatively steady- gf) so basically, I'm really horny a lot. I would masturbate but it just feels so dismal after the relationship. I've taken to trawling Craigslist (something the old me would never have done) to look for hook-ups. And I spent a good half-hour trying to find my previous ex on Facebook and Twitter. I dumped her, and tbh I don't particularly like her, but she stayed in contact with me for over a year after the break-up and (perhaps arrogantly) I think she still has a thing for me. Luckily (for me and her) she's pretty much blocked me from all social networks so there's no way that'll happen (even if I wanted it to, and I don't think I do).

 

Basically, the break-up has gone from searing pain to a dull ache. That's a good thing, and definitely a consequence of NC. But it also feels like I'm in limbo right now. I've got a few things on the horizon to keep me occupied, and I'm dipping my toe in the dating waters again (very very casually- I don't want to get into another relationship right now). Tonight was a slog though. I don't think I'm cured of the idea that we'll never speak again. The circumstances of our break-up weren't necessarily acrimonious (she's been under a lot of stress recently, related to family and uni, and I think I just fell victim to that), and two days after the break-up she messaged me asking to know how I was doing. I didn't reply, but I really want her to message me again. I really want to see her again- I work in a bookshop at her uni, and spend most of my time snooping about in case she comes in. It's just a... massive thing for me to realise that I might be able to put a date to the last time I will ever see her.

 

But I'll keep going. NC has worked a little bit, and I'd prefer things this way to the pain of the friendzone. I do believe things will get better. It's just an agonising process to go through.

[js0905]

Day 95

 

His B-Day is Friday and I thought about texting him Happy Birthday!! or something like that.

I'm not going to because it's just going to set me back. He is the one that has not reached out to me with an apology.

He hasn't reached out to me for 77 days exactly.

 

OMG!! I thought the counting would have stopped by now.

It supposedly takes half of the amount you dated the person to get over them.

We were together for a year hopefully it wont take another 90 days =(

 

He treated me like crap a lot of the time, started ignoring me texting went from every day to weekly towards the end.

My fault for allowing him to do what ever he wanted and then letting him back into my life.

I let him disrespect me and pretended it was ok, made him into a God.

Thought he'd love me for that but instead he pulled away realizing he had me.

I led him to believe that it didn't matter what he did, I'd take him back.

 

Thinking back everything was just so good with him at the beginning that I hung on to that until the end.

Kept on thinking it could/would go back to that but it never did.

If anything every time I took him back he became more of a piece of Narcissist pig.....Ugh

 

He did such an amazing job of hooking me that despite everything I still want him and miss him.

However I wont ever reach out to him because I know that I deserve so much better.

 

On the bright side met this nice Firefighter today for coffee and we'll see where that leads....

[Monkey ai]

remind yourself how he treaded you unfairly, you want someone treat you love, care, respect and trust. save your good emotion to someone able to treat you same Take care, and have fun with dating and been single!!

[the dude91]

Day 9

 

I thought about her a bit more today unfortunately. But oh well, I just have to keep reminding myself there's a better woman for me out there just waiting for me. I've started to get my appetite back finally, it's probably because of how much I've been working out. I also got some somewhat good news today, my old job is interested in having me back, bad news is that the ex still works there. I guess I just have to hope we don't run into each other and if I play my cards right there's a 98% chance I never will. I've also noticed today that I'm toning up and losing some inches finally, it's a small change but it's definitely a good start. I've also realized Mothers Day is coming up, last time we broke up, which is strangely about the same time we broke up now, she contacted me on mothers day for some comfort since we lost our first child together. I'm kinda worried that she'll try to contact me again this year but I have a strong feeling that she won't. But if she does I think this time I won't provide the comfort like I did last time, it's just not my job anymore. It sucks and I feel bad about it but I need to do what's best for me. Man I can't believe I'm going through all of this again with her but at least it'll be the last time as far as I can tell. My old job will be something like a gift and a curse for me if I can get back into it. I have a lady friend coming over to probably stay the night with me, she's going through some things with her ex too so we're going to try to be there for each other.

[happyxfaith]

Why did you feel the need to reply? If she didn't say anything you were interested in, you could've just not said anything back.

 

I think it's better to act politely, to answer him and let him know what I want rather than just ignore it.

(btw, I'm a girl, my ex is a guy)

[happyxfaith]

Day 11 (I'm glad I don't have to start from 1!)

 

I am a girl (clearing that up to many people here)

 

Although I'm glad that I think about you less these days, although still more than I like. I'm happy that even though you pop up in my dreams sometimes, its never the sappy "I want to get back together with you" dreams that I used to have with my first ex. Sometimes I just have fun with you on an adventure in my dream, or other times we just talk.

 

I won't lie and say that I don't want another chance with you. I do. When we started dating, I made a big mistake in the early months we dated, because you ended up living with me, so you could always see how messy and dirty I could be and how it seemed like I wasn't taking care of myself. And really I think that killed all the attraction in the end. And in our LDR I desperately tried to make up for that, and worked really hard to improve that, and change it not only for you, but for myself. And I did. But maybe by then I had taken you for granted a bit too much, and it was a bit too late. And so now, even though your lack of communication played a big part in our continuous spiral down towards nothing, my early choices was ultimately the main thing. And honestly, that really kills me. But I just try to push it away, because feeling this way won't change anything.

 

I hope with this time and space apart. That you can see me in a new light again. Remember how things were, with the good times, and working on the bad times together. Relationships are 50/50. I made my mistakes, and you made yours. So I hope all can be forgiven, forgotten, and start anew.

 

It took losing you to the distance (back in Dec) to realize how important you were to me, and how much you meant to me, how much I loved you, and how I didn't appreciate the things you tried to do, and took you for granted for a large part when you were here. And I hope you'll remember all the things I have done out of love and respect for both us in those months, and maybe it'll take you losing me, to remember all these things too.

 

Once attraction is gone, does it come back? Well only time will tell, and in the mean time, I'll try to keep looking forward, and taking it day by day, one step at a time.

 

(I did slightly better today since I actually worked out first time since the breakup! Continuing tomorrow!)

[jr22]

Day 22

 

Officially eclipsed the 3 week marker and I'm on to the fourth week. I continue to feel better. Definitely far more confident than I was at the beginning of April.

 

It's been a rainy and gloomy week which has made it impossible for me to enjoy any golf... What a tragedy. Only about a month until I meet up with my good friends for a trip to Playa Del Carmen. Should be an absolute blast. The days continue to go by faster and faster. I continue to think about her less and less...

 

At the beginning of this I felt I needed her in my life. I'm proud to say I definitely do not feel that way any longer. I think she made a really stupid mistake, much like I did. There's no loss of attraction just trust issues. Which are every bit, if not worse. I've expressed a lot of remorse and guilt, I've apologized and have done everything I can do from my point of view.

 

Much of my day yesterday was spent texting this other girl I met last weekend. It's fun and playful. We are having coffee tomorrow morning. How great to have something like this happen when you least expect. Even if it isn't anything more than friends.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm doing quite well. Nights are still full if a bit of anxiety, but that shall pass. I've been through it before. I'd like to eventually have communication with my ex. I don't know when, where or how... But I'd like to speak with her sometime.

[happyxfaith]

Day 12

 

I made the mistake of looking at my ex's facebook yesterday, and a very real realization hit me that, because of the finality of everything, there is a girl he likes, and it's not just interest. And I think it's mutual. I think I had held on to a little bit of hope that maybe things might have turned around if he saw me again. And that attraction and love could come back just like that. But that's not really how things are right? It's the very real truth that you might just never come back.

 

I wrote a letter to you, and now I feel better (I didn't send it). I saved it in my documents, and will probably never look at it again. But it feels like I released something by saying that:

 

I want someone who will accept me wholly and love just me.

 

And with that, I let you go some more.

[permanentshrug]

Totally exhausted all day, no idea why. Got plenty of sleep. Probably unrelated to the break-up but it doesn't help my mood.

 

I started a thread about contacting my ex. One of the major reasons I started it was because I'd been chatting to a few other girls on Tinder and Pof and found the experiences completely unrewarding. I think it just reminded me of how good the first interaction between me and my ex was on Pof- I knew, after a few exchanges, that she was worth going after. So today I've been taking it easy with the online dating. It was really meant as more of a distraction, I never actually intended to meet up with anyone.

 

I think chatting on here has helped quite a bit. My job is pretty menial and no-one cares that I spend most of my time online. Reading about other people's experiences with NC keeps my mind focused and off her, weirdly. There were one or two moments today when, completely out of the blue, I remembered some really intimate moments between the two of us. What really rankles about the break-up is that I can't repeat that with anyone. Sure, I expect I'll have intimacy with someone else- hopefully quite a few others- but not like that. I mean, I can get chat from my friends, and support from my family, so it's not like she held the monopoly on those things (although she really great at both). But I can't have that level of intimacy from anyone else. So it really bothers me when I inadvertently- it's never been deliberate- remember those times. Right now all I can do is accept that this is happening and hope that with time the intensity of those memories will subside. I don't think there's any use in fighting against them.

 

Something I realised is that being alone in the flat is not good for my mental wellbeing right now. Day 14 I wasted time I could have been writing on pursuing silly stuff like my ex-ex, or the email plan. From tomorrow I'm going to head to a Starbucks and do my writing. It's a public place, so there'll be other people, and it means I can't do the weird things I found myself doing last night. Every time I've sat by myself I've had the same result- depression and an intense desire to contact her somehow. So there'll be less sitting around alone going forward.

 

Tonight I had my French class, which took up three hours after work. I got a text a few minutes before it from the girl I sit beside in class- she got my number from an exercise we did last week. She's really attractive and easy to chat to, and I'm thinking about maybe asking her out after the course is done. More broadly, the class allows me to speak to people beyond my colleagues and the few friends I still have left in town (most of them are dotted around in other parts of the country). The original reason I took it was to cultivate new interests and meet new people (motivated partly by the fact that I noticed I had become dependent on my ex for company) so in those ways it's worked. Tonight, even though I'm still exhausted, I haven't brooded as much.

 

The key, I think, is not to hide myself away.

[Beduldac]

I survived 6 weeks without contact. Our last contact was 20 March 2014, the first day of Spring. It should have left a nice last impression. It ended 8 weeks ago on 8 March. I lost around 11 pounds so far.

 

She left me for a temp guy @ work. In short, they went out once on 7 March. Within a week he gave her a dozen roses and asked her to be his girlfriend, why was she taken in so easily? That reeks of desperation and ulterior motives on his part. It is almost certainly a rebound. His Facebook profile entirely in Spanish strongly implied a Green Card scam. It is very likely he was going to propose since he was moving so fast. I have no idea if they have broken up yet or not. I blocked them both on Facebook weeks ago.

 

She said he was like me as a compliment, but I know that is not true and she will find that out. I never begged her to come back. I still have my self respect. If she wants to get back together, she will let me know. There is nothing I have to do. The ball is in her court. I am not even sure why I would even take her back. I keep telling myself she is never coming back, but my gut is telling me I am going to hear from her again when she breaks up with the new guy. Not hope, it is more like dread.

 

What will be, will be.

[the dude91]

Day 10

 

Pretty good day today, very nice weather. I stayed very busy today and hung out with my Pops, we went driving all over the place running errands. I also had to pick up some medicine for the puppy, poor guy. I also finally received my new glasses in the mail and have started planning a trip to Oregon with my Pops to see Lambo fest. I've started getting some compliments today on my physique also, I was told a couple of times I should be a bouncer and I could only laugh. But still, it feels good seeing my body change for the better. I barely thought about the ex at all today and haven't really had the urge to check her Facebook at all. I also started to realize that I'm doing fine without her, I don't really need her in my life to have good days or to be happy, I also don't have to put up with her stress and taking her frustrations out on me. It's ironic really, she dumped a whole lot of stress and frustration on me but the minute I do I somehow cross the line, make her not "in love with me" anymore and she leaves. Still, I worry about her contacting me on mothers day, but I think I'll say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you're having a tough day, but we're not together anymore nor are we really friends. If you want to talk about us that's fine, otherwise I need to continue moving on." I hope that's good and not too rude or anything.

[happyxfaith]

Day 12.5

 

I'm proud of myself. I haven't looked at any forum posts on reconciliation, and I've just kept on writing goodbye letters and emails constantly today. And I really think it helps to write out every single thing I feel to help let go of absolutely everything. I cleaned my room finally like I've been planning on doing for the past three weeks. And because of the breakup, I've lost a lot of motivation to do so. BUT today I made a step and cleaned up decently (not completely) and yesterday I made a step in working out again. Let's continue this trend and I think I'll get better soon! I'll be fixing one of my big weakness (laziness) and I hope keeping things clean will be a big step away from that! I know my weaknesses better than anyone. I lack some conscientiousness, and because I'm easygoing, I can also get lazy. Let's work on these two first before I tackle anything else. I'm looking forward to the progress and proud of myself!

[jr22]

Day 23

 

Feeling pretty darn good. I have a lunch date this afternoon which should be fun. Just trying to keep that light as I'm not looking to jump in anything right now. Definitely don't want to put out the wrong intentions or anything like that.

 

Golf league has kept me busy as I had my second week of it yesterday. I feel like Tiger in his prime right now... Ok, not quite that good. Business has been good as well and it's even better that today is Friday.

 

I'm thinking about her less and less. Her and her rebound broke up. He dumped her for another girl... I'm sure she has herself a recovery period. I have no interest in getting involved with any of that situation. Each day I don't talk to her, I feel better. I think I'll likely continue down that road for now. Cheers to almost to 30 and TGIF.

[alr85]

Day 20-- haven't had the need to post on here for a while. I met someone new who completely stole my heart. I had given up hope of reconciliation with my ex after 3 months of letting it consume me. Haven't talked to ex since I found out he took a girl to the hockey game and they became fb friends. Last night "S" the new guy and i decided to make it official. I was hesitant for a while because i was still so fragile but it feels right. So of course.. as is his nature.. my ex swoops in to f with my head again. Sent a text that said "Hope you and "D" (my daughter) are doing well! I hope you found someone to love you guys and have time with you". Seemingly innocent but I feel like there is so much subtext in that one message. Of course it was sent at 1:00 after his thursday bowling league so he was humiliatingly hammered. But overall it was a simple text.. so why did it mess me up so bad???

[happyxfaith]

Day 13

 

Ever have days where you're not sure what exactly you're feeling?

I don't know if he'll reflect on our relationship like I have been doing, but anyways it's not about him, it's about me. The next relationship I go into, I'll bring more respect and slow things down (easier said than done). I really just have that one period of 4-5 months where I do double takes on the choices I made in terms of keeping things clean and taking care of myself.

And because it was a LDR, I wanted to always be there for him, so it wouldn't be too difficult for him, and maybe my best of intentions backfired.

 

Anyways. Many lessons I have learned, and will keep in mind next time. I'm going to go workout now and go to work. I'm planning on having tea with my roomie tonight! Fun things I'm happy.

[zyketti]

Tomorrow will be Day 28 of NC.

 

Neither of us have contacted each other, been keeping it pretty real (like no mind games)… It gets better, hopefully. I'm taking super baby steps to get there. Day 28 seems like a long ass time, 4 weeks? 4 weeks felt like a year to me. I know my ex has been so busy with everything that she probably hasn't even had the time to reflect on the relationship.

 

Dayummmmm I miss her. I have fun things planned this weekend, but it's still not enough to get her off my mind.

[DreamySkies]

Because he is the one initiating the contact after multiple attempts of the same on your end. I don't know if he's aware you're with someone else or not, but I swear. The minute you finally leave them in the past where they belong... they always come back. This is nearly identical to what my ex did with me. I didn't have anyone new but I had decided on the previous Sunday before me made contact to let it go and let everything be. Then BAM.

 

When did he send it? have you responded?

 

I am so excited you are in something new that feels healthy and right for you and D. Really happy!

[t1lersm0m1]

Day 6 of NC.

 

Why again is NC in Getting Back Together? NC is not a method to get your ex back, but a method to get you back, or to improve yourself. To stop focusing on him/her, but on you, and being the best YOU can be. It's to give you time to heal.

 

Anyway, I'm here to focus on me. I hopefully found a place to live. I have to get out of my mother's home. I have to be independent and take care of my son and I. We are the priority.

 

My journey begins now. When I move on, that will be the best day of my life, and the start of something new.

 

I'm very excited!

[alr85]

Happy to see you Dreamy He sent it this morning at 1 a.m. I didn't respond and don't plan to. There's nothing to say. If he was sober it would have been different but I'm 100% sure he wasn't. Thought for sure he had completely moved on. The message should have felt reassuring but it just made me feel uneasy and sad again. I think of you often and hope you're feeling well Dreamy!!

[js0905]

remind yourself how he treaded you unfairly, you want someone treat you love, care, respect and trust. save your good emotion to someone able to treat you same Take care, and have fun with dating and been single!!

 

Thank you Monkey ai =)

 

So today is his B-day but I have been strong and haven't said a thing....

 

He doesn't deserve it anyway he never reached out for Valentine's or Easter.

His thing was to reach out during Holidays when he wanted back in.

 

He obviously doesn't want back in and I shouldn't want him back either.

 

Today is Day 97 and TGIF!!!

[the dude91]

Day 11

 

Another busy day and a pretty terrible night. It wasn't terrible because of thinking of her but because of allergies, man I was miserable. Then today my puppy bit my chin and sliced it up pretty good and I got into a fender bender and the driver tried to run away. Other than that it was a pretty good and busy day, but I did think about the ex quite a bit today. I mostly had thoughts of her asking to talk about us and the things I would want to say, none of it was really nice so I guess I'm in the anger phase. Feels good to have some of my appetite back. I can't wait to hit the road tomorrow for the Lamborghini meet, it'll be good to leave the state even if it is for a day. Still have no real urge to check her Facebook or anything, I'm concentrating more and more on my self improvement. Well I'm almost at the 2 weeks point, I hope I can remain this strong and only become stronger and move on more.

[happyxfaith]

Day 13.5

 

Things are feeling starting to feel good again I enjoyed myself when I went out, and you weren't a topic of my conversation for a long time. I was happy to be working out and challenging myself. I was happy to see my room clean. I was happy to be enjoying a tasty dinner and dessert with a good friend. I'm really happy that things have meaning again.

 

And I'm really happy, that I feel this way. Because I knew, even though you added to my happiness, that you were really just a small part of it!

[jr22]

Day 23

 

I feel like 'me' again and things are going rather well. Work has been a big primary focus of mine and my business just continues to grow and get better. It's finally clear outside, the gloom has disappeared so it looks like I'll head out for some afternoon golf and beers with the boys. And by 'boys' I mean the middle aged married men that I play with. They all love to give me horrible advice... It's quite funny though. Last night I went out and got pretty hammered for the first time in a while. Safe to say I'm feeling a bit rough this morning.

 

Yesterday I had my lunch date and it was middle of the road. She's cute but didn't bring a lot to the table in terms of conversation. We are gonna have another date in the future and I'll surely see her at the course today.

 

My ex got dumped in her 3 week rebound relationship. I'm sure right now is a difficult time for her. I have no intentions of reaching out and I hope she doesn't reach out to me. I'm headed in a good direction. I don't wish to have any negative vibes right now. That's it and cheers to the weekend.

[AlienQueen]

Conclusion

 

Hey guys

 

I made it to day 30, I did reply to his text on the 30th day, about future plans that needed to be sorted! Although I would recommend longer NC if you don't feel you'll be able to handle it, I did it knowing I was nearly over him anyway, and I'm planning coffee for a catch up nothing else.

 

So how do I feel? well GREAT! I feel free, I don't feel obsessed, attached, I don't want him back, I realised that although I wanted us to carry on we both would of needed to change anyway. We weren't meant to be, and thats ok, I didn't want to hang on to us, if there was no us, I just wanted to get on with life. Very early on I made the CHOICE to move on, I emphasis on choice - you have to want to move on, say it out loud, tell your friends, anything to make that decision. It's been 2 months since the BU after a 3 year relationship, almost feel its wrong to have got this far haha!

 

I continue to read ENA so I can help others, because I want you to see the light at the end of the dark cold tunnel. Sending my Love to all of you. Thankyou - I promise you'll make it

[the dude91]

Day 12

 

I went out of town today, although it was nice to leave the state the weather really sucked. Still, I enjoyed myself especially when old lady friends started texting me and stuff, found out 2 of them has really liked me for a long time but since I was always with the ex they never said anything. So I'm going to hang out with them this week, going downtown with one of them and the other will come over to hang out. I'm really starting to get my old confidence back which is always a plus. Unfortunately I had a dream about being with the ex last night, we were really happy and working about. But I woke up pretty quickly hating the dream, not sure if it's a good sign or bad. I took a day off from working out today which doesn't really feel good so I'm eager to get back to it tomorrow. I did think about the ex a little bit today but not much since I had a lot of distractions between the drive, weather and the surprise crushes. But I do kind of wonder how she's doing without me, I hope she's happy because I'm moving on and don't plan on looking back right now, I also wonder if she checks my Facebook from time to time. I doubt it though, she can be very stubborn and strong on emotions, but oh well, right now it's her loss to lose someone that was good to her and respected her. The grass may be greener on the other side for her but that's because it's full of bulls***.