permanentshrug

Totally exhausted all day, no idea why. Got plenty of sleep. Probably unrelated to the break-up but it doesn't help my mood. I started a thread about contacting my ex. One of the major reasons I started it was because I'd been chatting to a few other girls on Tinder and Pof and found the experiences completely unrewarding. I think it just reminded me of how good the first interaction between me and my ex was on Pof- I knew, after a few exchanges, that she was worth going after. So today I've been taking it easy with the online dating. It was really meant as more of a distraction, I never actually intended to meet up with anyone. I think chatting on here has helped quite a bit. My job is pretty menial and no-one cares that I spend most of my time online. Reading about other people's experiences with NC keeps my mind focused and off her, weirdly. There were one or two moments today when, completely out of the blue, I remembered some really intimate moments between the two of us. What really rankles about the break-up is that I can't repeat that with anyone. Sure, I expect I'll have intimacy with someone else- hopefully quite a few others- but not like that. I mean, I can get chat from my friends, and support from my family, so it's not like she held the monopoly on those things (although she really great at both). But I can't have that level of intimacy from anyone else. So it really bothers me when I inadvertently- it's never been deliberate- remember those times. Right now all I can do is accept that this is happening and hope that with time the intensity of those memories will subside. I don't think there's any use in fighting against them. Something I realised is that being alone in the flat is not good for my mental wellbeing right now. Day 14 I wasted time I could have been writing on pursuing silly stuff like my ex-ex, or the email plan. From tomorrow I'm going to head to a Starbucks and do my writing. It's a public place, so there'll be other people, and it means I can't do the weird things I found myself doing last night. Every time I've sat by myself I've had the same result- depression and an intense desire to contact her somehow. So there'll be less sitting around alone going forward. Tonight I had my French class, which took up three hours after work. I got a text a few minutes before it from the girl I sit beside in class- she got my number from an exercise we did last week. She's really attractive and easy to chat to, and I'm thinking about maybe asking her out after the course is done. More broadly, the class allows me to speak to people beyond my colleagues and the few friends I still have left in town (most of them are dotted around in other parts of the country). The original reason I took it was to cultivate new interests and meet new people (motivated partly by the fact that I noticed I had become dependent on my ex for company) so in those ways it's worked. Tonight, even though I'm still exhausted, I haven't brooded as much. The key, I think, is not to hide myself away.

So I'll try and fill in the details of my breakup as I go, but the main thing is I went NC immediately after she dumped me- which I'm proud of. It's two weeks later and I'm in a bit of a weird state. I no longer feel this intense pressure to contact her, and I'm not as deeply depressed as I was even a few days ago (although this could change- it did a lot last week). I just feel...bored. And I'm worried that I'm going to do something out of boredom more than anything. Such as...a few hours ago, I seriously considered sending an email to my ex. I have a bunch of photos of her that I don't want to delete, so I'd rather she took them and did whatever she wants with them. I wasn't really going to say anything in the email- just a friendly 'Hope you're doing ok'. I talked myself out of it because I've made it to two weeks without cracking. I said to myself I would do at least 30 days NC, and even after that I wouldn't initiate conversation. But the sheer boredom of not having her messaging me, plus the fact that I'm trying to write a screenplay and the ideas are flowing really slowly, is tempting me to break NC. I don't think I will, but it's a more insidious feeling than last week when I nearly had an anxiety attack because I couldn't message her. There are other things that I've done out of boredom, that I'm really not proud of. I'm feeling the physical loss as much as the emotional side of it (she was my first steady- well, relatively steady- gf) so basically, I'm really horny a lot. I would masturbate but it just feels so dismal after the relationship. I've taken to trawling Craigslist (something the old me would never have done) to look for hook-ups. And I spent a good half-hour trying to find my previous ex on Facebook and Twitter. I dumped her, and tbh I don't particularly like her, but she stayed in contact with me for over a year after the break-up and (perhaps arrogantly) I think she still has a thing for me. Luckily (for me and her) she's pretty much blocked me from all social networks so there's no way that'll happen (even if I wanted it to, and I don't think I do). Basically, the break-up has gone from searing pain to a dull ache. That's a good thing, and definitely a consequence of NC. But it also feels like I'm in limbo right now. I've got a few things on the horizon to keep me occupied, and I'm dipping my toe in the dating waters again (very very casually- I don't want to get into another relationship right now). Tonight was a slog though. I don't think I'm cured of the idea that we'll never speak again. The circumstances of our break-up weren't necessarily acrimonious (she's been under a lot of stress recently, related to family and uni, and I think I just fell victim to that), and two days after the break-up she messaged me asking to know how I was doing. I didn't reply, but I really want her to message me again. I really want to see her again- I work in a bookshop at her uni, and spend most of my time snooping about in case she comes in. It's just a... massive thing for me to realise that I might be able to put a date to the last time I will ever see her. But I'll keep going. NC has worked a little bit, and I'd prefer things this way to the pain of the friendzone. I do believe things will get better. It's just an agonising process to go through.