happyxfaith

We are breaking up later tonight. Somehow this doesn't feel like my previous breakups. I should be more devastated, I should even want to try to convince you to try to make this relationship work, but somehow I only feel half hearted about it. I still want to ask you if you would like to try, but I think even if you said no, it's not something unexpected for me... Maybe when you finally say it to my face, then it'll hit me. I've felt for so long now that I was pulling your end of the relationship, usually I have nothing but good to say about my exes, even though we all have our faults. I wonder if I felt this has been just my 70-80% keeping us going for so long, or if I'm just judging you unfairly. I just know I was a really great girlfriend to you. I tried my best to support you, to give you space, to encourage you, to talk with you honestly, and to make plans for us to have fun together. And I think you started taking that for granted even though you always denied it. When you were contemplating breaking up, you got upset at me for always trying to go do something on our dates when all you wanted to do was 'chill'. Haha even though you got angry at that, we never ended up going to do our plans did we? I always conceded to you even though you started telling me I'm bossy. I conceded to you our meals, our desserts, where we met up, our time. Even though you always asked me, I never really got to choose. Whenever I suggested a time, after you would ask, you would always pick a time more convenient for you. Yes in the last month of our relationship, I complained more to you. I said to your more of what was on my mind. Because I always felt like I couldn't tell you what I felt, because you would judge me, pull away, and find me controlling, and I would feel like I'm nagging. I wish you would've told me more about yourself. What annoyed you, bothered you, what turned you on, attracted you. Towards the end, I'm seeing your reactions to my comments, and only now can I pinpoint some things you don't like, when I should've learned throughout our relationship. And that's how it's always been hasn't it? You learn so much about me, because I wanted to be open, to let you in, but you always put on a mask to keep the peace. I like your positivity but I don't like your avoidant nature. I wonder what you thought would've happened if you told me the truth about how you felt time and time again. And now that you want to leave, all you can pick at are the little breadcrumbs that's been bugging you throughout our relationship. And no matter how many things you bring up, they only sound like excuses now. I wouldn't have minded working on that, you know? I would've done that for you. And at the end of the day, that's not really the issue is it? If you really wanted me, you wouldn't have minded working on that now. If you were really still that into me, you wouldn't avoid looking at me. If you still loved me, we wouldn't be breaking up, would we? If you really loved me, I wouldn't have to tell you to fulfill my relationship needs. I'm not really all that clingy like you think. I only became like that in the end, when I just wanted you to look at me. I wanted to feel important, special, and to see that look in your eyes that sometimes read you loved me. I missed that. I missed the pecks on the cheek and on my forehead, when you discovered how much i liked those. I miss when you bent down to kiss me when we walked along the streets. I miss when you would pull at my nose and call me silly. I miss you putting your arms around me like I was yours. I miss you laughing. I miss us laughing. I miss how your body towered over mine. I loved looking at you, you know? It hurts more than you think. And it's sad that the chapter of you is coming to this end. Maybe I'm not sure I want to convince you, because I don't feel like I want to be with someone who I have to ask to be with me. If you don't want to, it's okay. I want to tell you that I hope you find someone who you feel is worth fighting for. And I want to find someone who feels the same. the worst part is, I don't even know what to do with all my presents for you. can i just give it to you? Nah. It would seem too desperate. Maybe you'd just throw it away anyways.

Day 28 I don't think about you as much anymore. I guess that's expected. But I think I haven't gotten used to you being completely gone yet. I think there's still some spot that feels sad because you're not around. And I think a lot of these days I try to ignore that feeling, focus on the present, and distract myself with people, my job, and other activities. And it works when things are around me. But the minute that I stop, and I'm on my own again, I know some strange entity is there. And maybe part of it is just getting used to it. I loved you. But I'll get over it. 2 more days right?

Day 23 it might sound a little ridiculous, but I have a crush that's bringing in some giddy feelings. I've been doing really well on my own these days, keeping up with the running, and seeing people I love. AND not STALKING anyone. I think it's interesting that I only think about him every once in awhile during the day now. And I don't talk about him anymore to my friends. Haha I think this was the difference in recovery between my first relationship and now! I feel like a little girl Is that okay?

Day 19.5 Is it weird that I'm starting to notice guys again? Not the I want to jump in a relationship with you kind of way, but rather, "hey, I think you're kinda cute kinda of way, and it'd be fun to get to know you!" Haha I'm giggly and I kinda like it. Life is good these day! (For more reasons that just that... Maybe I should go run, I didn't get to today...

Day 19(?) I have decided that yes, when I look at their facebooks, I feel so much worse. And not surprisingly when I stop stalking them, I focus on myself and feel so good and happy about the things in my life right now I have wonderful friends, and my city has a wonderful atmosphere. It's home, and I'm glad I'm here. I'm moving on now, and I'm happy to be doing so! Maybe in another 10 days, I'll feel much better about it! Going to work now! And can't run today because its raining

Day 18 I decided after some long conversation with my friend that I need to just focus on moving on and not analyze the "why" to death... Because I can't get the answers from the past that I want anyways. I have a lot of guilt and regret for many of the choices I made during the beginning of the relationship and ultimately taking him for granted for awhile. But at the same time, I know it wasn't just me. I wasn't the only one in this relationship. And really, I just have to stop beating up myself about it. Let go, move on, stop looking. I think I have to repeat this to myself consistently. Hopefully in 12 days, I'll be feeling a lot better.

Day 17.5 I'm starting to think that this new girl is actually a really good fit for him.... That maybe he actually left me for someone better and more suitable... Man I'm gonna drive myself nuts.

Day 17 Okay. I am stopping stalking activity on Facebook. I reached a conclusion yesterday about you. And sometimes I dont even know why I'm fretting about you. If you like me, you like me. If you don't, you don't. And I'm tired of trying to figure out whether you'll reach a turnaround point or not. If you don't, somebody else will. If you couldn't see what I saw, then you don't need to, someone else will. I've been exercising everyday, and I feel better about myself To be healthy and look healthy!

Day 16 You wear me out. I woke up too early because of you.... even though I try to go back to sleep. And I've reached yet another point where I'm tired of pining after you. Because it literally does nothing for me. All because I've been looking at your stupid facebook and saw that stupid video that is also very creepy. I'm just tired. Go do your thing. I don't think I care anymore whether your feelings are completely gone or just hidden under the rug somewhere unknown. Ugh I'm going back to sleep. I really have nothing left to say about you or anything related to you. At least for right now.

Day 15.8 I found a video today that a friend of yours secretly took where she zoomed in on you, and then zoomed in on the girl that you maybe liked... Creepy, because I think you didn't know that she was videotaping you... but it stung quite a bit. And probably set me back more than I would've liked. Darn that Google and YouTube. Well I don't know if you'll ever see it, but you're on there... and yes it's really creepy... But once again, after talking to my sweet friend, I'm looking forward and trying to let you go bit by bit. It's going okay I think, I've had better days. Tomorrow is work and I don't wanna go, but again I'll try to focus on the present and not let you bother me. I don't think you know what you lost yet, and maybe you'll never know, but I definitely can't stick around waiting for it to happen... I say goodbye to you so many times in unsent letters, emails, and in my mind. And maybe if I repeat those goodbyes long enough, everything will fade away slowly with time. Yeah I've had better days, but I know there are better days to come. I tell people that I wonder if I'll find someone as good looking as you, but really I think, I just miss you. The way you look, the way you are, the things you talk to me about, the way you smile at me, the way you let me know you're happy. I miss all of these things. But I keep them with me. And just say you were really good looking. Because things like this don't need to be explained to other people, because in a way, these things are really personal for me. More than I want to open up about. Love is a fickle thing. Maybe you'll know one day too. Goodbye K. I don't like typing I love yous anymore...

Day 15.5 ugh somehow I started the day okay, and got some things done, but now my head just feels so heavy and groggy... I'm gonna eat and see if that helps. I don't want to think that this feelings is attributed to him! Because I was feeling pretty good yesterday...

Day 15 I woke up not feeling very good and feeling the loss once again. But now that I'm fully awake, I'm pushing it aside so I can start my day off well. Yeah I miss you, but you definitely took me for granted. I don't know if you'll ever come back, but even if you don't, I don't think I'm missing out on anything. And I for sure don't want to keep a dead dog around me (being friends with exes). I know in even 1 or 2 years, I'll be somewhere amazing, mentally, emotionally, physically... I loved you, but everyday is another opportunity for me to let a little of you go. I'm working out these days, and I'm happy to be doing so

Day 13.5 Things are feeling starting to feel good again I enjoyed myself when I went out, and you weren't a topic of my conversation for a long time. I was happy to be working out and challenging myself. I was happy to see my room clean. I was happy to be enjoying a tasty dinner and dessert with a good friend. I'm really happy that things have meaning again. And I'm really happy, that I feel this way. Because I knew, even though you added to my happiness, that you were really just a small part of it!

Day 13 Ever have days where you're not sure what exactly you're feeling? I don't know if he'll reflect on our relationship like I have been doing, but anyways it's not about him, it's about me. The next relationship I go into, I'll bring more respect and slow things down (easier said than done). I really just have that one period of 4-5 months where I do double takes on the choices I made in terms of keeping things clean and taking care of myself. And because it was a LDR, I wanted to always be there for him, so it wouldn't be too difficult for him, and maybe my best of intentions backfired. Anyways. Many lessons I have learned, and will keep in mind next time. I'm going to go workout now and go to work. I'm planning on having tea with my roomie tonight! Fun things I'm happy.

Day 12.5 I'm proud of myself. I haven't looked at any forum posts on reconciliation, and I've just kept on writing goodbye letters and emails constantly today. And I really think it helps to write out every single thing I feel to help let go of absolutely everything. I cleaned my room finally like I've been planning on doing for the past three weeks. And because of the breakup, I've lost a lot of motivation to do so. BUT today I made a step and cleaned up decently (not completely) and yesterday I made a step in working out again. Let's continue this trend and I think I'll get better soon! I'll be fixing one of my big weakness (laziness) and I hope keeping things clean will be a big step away from that! I know my weaknesses better than anyone. I lack some conscientiousness, and because I'm easygoing, I can also get lazy. Let's work on these two first before I tackle anything else. I'm looking forward to the progress and proud of myself!