THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[jeepman41]

Wow Jeepman...that is quite the accomplishment with 141 NC days. Great job!! Has the ex even tried to call you or anything??

 

 

No, I haven't heard anything from her since May 10. She sent a text message. That was after I had initiated NC. I read the message and chose not to reply. I'm not sure if I will hear from her again as I've moved on. I haven't entered another relationship yet, although I've met several people. Relationships cause you to evolve and I want to feel right about it when I do think I'm ready for that next big step.

 

In the early days of NC when everything was fresh I would have welcomed contact from her. But now I haven't even considered reconciliation. Don't know if I'm open to that but who know what the future holds. I am happy now and at peace with my self. No more of the inner turmoil that follows a breakup. I've been text book in doing things for myself like exercising and watching my diet.

 

I will admit that it was very hard in the beginning. Some of the message I read here remind me of when I was in NC infancy. I feel I have a great deal of will power and I remember the emotional roller coaster that I was on. But I chose to ride it out and put myself first. No one belongs on the pedestal of life but YOU. NC newbies have a hard time digesting that simple fact.

 

Moving on means letting go of the past. It doesn't matter who you think is right or wrong. Let go of the hurt, anger and resentment. Don't fall into the trap of trying to rationalize what happened. Just let it go, turn it loose and you will feel much better. No use to dwell on the past and allow it to mess up your future.

[SudoMB]

I am an NC newbie... I am starting to slowly accept the fact that I may not ever get a resolution or rationalization at what happened at our attempt to become friends again.

 

My urge to break NC feels more of an attempt to leave on mutually respectful terms more than win her back at this point. And it seems so quick, but I've always been very introspective, and the amount of input these past few weeks have given me so much to think on.

 

I ended the letter saying I may or may not get my request fulfilled, but it isn't a demand, so I'm ok with whatever happens at the moment. It doesn't mean there won't be times of loss, and grief, but its a process.

[broken123]

Thanks for that jeepman..that definitely helped reading what you said. Even though it has been three months since the breakup, I still feel some sort of regret that I could have done things better. I feel as though if I would of have done one or two things differently that would have kept us together. However, it is just not like that. She even had told me there is nothing you could have done differently that would have made a difference...I just fell out of love with you. Mind you we started dating when I was 17 and she was 16 years old. So, that goes to show that people can outgrow each other since we were together so early in our lives. We had no chance to really experience other people in this 4 and a half year relationship. Jeepman I am glad to see how well you are doing. You truley inspire me as well as other people I am sure. Just knowing it gets better helps to keep me going. Like you said, I am in my nc infancy. I need to just ride it out just like you did. Some day I will feel much better about this whole situation.

[jeepman41]

I am an NC newbie... I am starting to slowly accept the fact that I may not ever get a resolution or rationalization at what happened at our attempt to become friends again.

 

My urge to break NC feels more of an attempt to leave on mutually respectful terms more than win her back at this point. And it seems so quick, but I've always been very introspective, and the amount of input these past few weeks have given me so much to think on.

 

I ended the letter saying I may or may not get my request fulfilled, but it isn't a demand, so I'm ok with whatever happens at the moment. It doesn't mean there won't be times of loss, and grief, but its a process.

 

 

 

The subject of being friends comes up a lot at the end of romantic relationships. If there is hope of reconciliation it is not a good idea. Someone who views you as a friend may never become interested in you again as a lover. It is usually a knee jerk reaction. You think that you don't want to lose this person but what you are really experiencing is that you will lose the feelings that you have for them. But true lover never dies. Sometimes you just have to love someone from afar. It is over for now and no reason to try to validate the relationship.

 

You are broken up. So right now nothing is going to be on mutual terms. They may agree with your request just so you will go away. You don't owe them anything and vice versa they don't owe you anything. Bottom line is if you don't do anything at all you can't do anything wrong. Sometimes what we feel is our best intention is really not warranted in this situation. What seems right may even push the other party further away. When people break up they usually want space. My take on that is to give them enough space they will feel like an astronaut. I am a staunch advocate of NC.

[jeepman41]

Glad I could have a positive effect on someone's life as they are going through a breakup. NC is considered the golden rule of breakup. It's like a drug addict going cold turkey. The object of your affection has the same effect on the body and it is extremely hard to not want to contact the other party when you are hurting. It takes a great amount of intestinal fortitude to resist those urges. I know it's not easy but the rewards outweigh the initial struggle. Once you reach the 90 day mark in NC it does seem to get easier.

 

All human relationship as based on one thing....feelings. Feelings change and so do people and sometimes it causes them to walk right out of your life but it can motivate them to walk back in.

[dream222]

BU: August 22, 2011

NC: September 10, 2011

Day 7

 

First full week of NC and I am loving it. I have been discovering a freer version of myself by doing things that I had stopped doing when I was dating him. I had fallen into a rut, confined myself in a tiny box but I am proud of myself for starting to make my way out of it. I will return a few things of his that he never picked up when we I see him for work tomorrow. I feel like I am cheating myself if I hold on to them, time to move on 100%. I don't think returning the stuff means breaking NC, since not much conversation will be held, and we'll have to work together anyway.

 

I have been debating a rebound relationship. I have decided to stay away from it and heal on my own, become emotionally stronger so that another guy's behavior in the future won't cause my self-confidence to plummet. But I will have fun and experience life to the fullest, because I feel like being with him made me miss out on a lot.

[broken123]

Glad I could have a positive effect on someone's life as they are going through a breakup. NC is considered the golden rule of breakup. It's like a drug addict going cold turkey. The object of your affection has the same effect on the body and it is extremely hard to not want to contact the other party when you are hurting. It takes a great amount of intestinal fortitude to resist those urges. I know it's not easy but the rewards outweigh the initial struggle. Once you reach the 90 day mark in NC it does seem to get easier.

 

All human relationship as based on one thing....feelings. Feelings change and so do people and sometimes it causes them to walk right out of your life but it can motivate them to walk back in.

 

Yea definitely..the longest I have gone yet is 30 days of nc. I keep on screwing up and giving in. I think my problem is I am both not giving myself enough time to heal and not giving her enough time to miss me. I am not always the best with patience haha

[broken123]

Definitely do not do a rebound relationship!! please This will only hurt the other person and will hurt you once that relationship ends. The rebound relationship will only serve as filling the void of your ex. You will only be cheating yourself...just my two cents

[RitaTrue]

I believe when an ex starts calling that it would make healing easier. I'm happy for you and hope you don't cave in! At least let him feel the emotions that you have been feeling, not out of spite but for his own well-being.

 

That seems, in some way, to be a contradition, huh? To let someone feel pain for their own well-being...

 

I hope I dont cave in either.

 

After work, I took a nap. And when I woke up, I checked my phone. He called again. For a moment, I thought I was looking at an old message, until I saw that the date was today. I started feeling panicky at first, thinking that maybe there was an emergency of some sort. But then I figured, if THAT was the case, he'd leave a voicemail. He didnt. So all's well.

 

We had a lot of mutual friends at the school we were in. I graduated and moved. He's still there. So I can imagine those people keep asking him about me. And about us. Thats at least one thing I know I dont have to look forward to.

 

Thanks Sanity.

[RitaTrue]

Day 38

 

I hate when family gets off on the fact that you're trying not to talk to someone. It doesnt bother me so much now, but for some reason today, I remembered all the times when my family was less than supportive of being going NC.

 

"You should talk to him anyway."

"I dont want to. I want to heal."

"Just talk to him anyway. You'll be in pain whether you talk to him or not, so just do it. -___-"

 

Im not in deep pain anymore. Instead, Im in a place where instead of needing him, I simply care for him: I hope he's well. I wish him well. And I'd like to see him succeed, as he really is a good guy: we were just incompatible.

 

Still, even though I haven't talked to him in a while, people will still nudge me to talk to him. I dont know why. Other than, they're really bored with their own lives, and my ex and I gave them a new saga to look forward to. Seriously. I mean, just forget my feelings, and focus on getting off on your entertainment of me, please. -___-"

 

But I hate when people view your feelings as a product for their own contentment, and forget that you're a person who's trying to heal. I dont know why I feel the need to post this now. But I do.

[northpickle]

DAY 16

 

Woke up with a stinging and crippling realisation that we might never be together as a couple again. It really hurt, I cried and cried. I'm trying to move on, but doing normal things just seems like I'm lying to myself. Not contacting someone who is on my mind 24 hours a day is so difficult. The one thing that is keeping me going is that if I do speak to him, then I'll hear something that I won't like and thus be back at square 1 again.

 

I'm longing for the days, and the weekends especially, where I won't feel like this. This coming week is going to be a killer, first my birthday, then his. I just really want a big cuddle from him, it was possibly the best feeling in the world

[jeepman41]

But I hate when people view your feelings as a product for their own contentment, and forget that you're a person who's trying to heal. I dont know why I feel the need to post this now. But I do.

 

 

Feel free to do or say whatever is necessary to get past this period of your life. That's what this forum is for. There is strength where a group of like minded people gather together.

[broken123]

Another day..Seeming to feel better though. I am not going to give up this time. Every time I did just made me feel worse.

[sonypirates]

Day 7 - Her birthday today : /

[Melting]

Day 2 again! BU 1st Sept

 

The urge to contact you is lessening. I need to keep telling myself that a person who broke up with me the way you did, does not deserve my kind heart.

[madine]

DAY 3

 

Like I told you guys before, my ex and I are both members of a political organisation. And because of that I had to spend time with her last thursday.

 

Well, today I agreed to help someone set up some sort of protest for next week. And four hours later she volunteers as well. What the heck? She is a long time member, way longer then me, but she hasn't really done anything for about two years. Why does she have to start showing up all of a sudden?

 

It makes me very mad. I want long term NC!

[markyx1]

After 2 weeks, broke contact last night when she text me asking how i was doin. I know i should not have responded, but well, its done already. Nothing more i can do. I even had a drink with her and some place in there place. She even have the guts to ask if im dating someone already, replied back by asking her why she wants to know that. No answer from her. Next text, she still wants as to be good friends, nothing new in that. I replied that it is her decision if she wants us to be friends and added that it would be good if we become friends after owning responsibility for our past actions and that she must mean what she says and say what she means.

 

I dont know her intentions why after hurting me so much she want me around to be her friend. Anyway, told her that i dont care what her intentions are. in thrut i wanted to know, but i know that for my own good, i should not care any of it.

 

During our drink with our friends, i notice changes in her, she seem to have more control in herself now. Notice that she has gained some weight. Notice also that she somehow avoids seeing me in the eye and wants only small talk which is what i like also.

 

How did i feel after that? Hell! Wasnt able to sleep the night after, thinking of the break up again. I felt like it was day one of the break up. i should keep the NC.

 

This time i really appreciate the value of NC and why you have to do it. It is for yourself. For you to keep all your emotions in check. i felt a lot better during the NC days, but after breaking it down, i felt like S**T again. Now i am determined to keep NC knowing that she is gonna contact me again to check on me. I know she will do it.

 

I really think that one of the cause of the break up was communication issues. That is the reason that a 100% NC might not work for us. Besides she is a very sensitive person, remember she thinks that i never listened to her desires when we are still together. She maybe right in that area, i might truly have neglected her a bit during that time.

 

With that i plan to reply to her text in a short and polite manner when she text again. just keep it polite and short. I want to go on with my life, i know that that is the only way. To make myself better, not for her but for myself. i will make myself the person i initially was, even better.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks guys.

[RitaTrue]

Feel free to do or say whatever is necessary to get past this period of your life. That's what this forum is for. There is strength where a group of like minded people gather together.

 

=)

I just dont understand. I would've thought that those close to me would be the most understanding, in the beginning. No. To them, it doesnt matter. "Healing" doesnt matter. She told me, "You'll be hurt either way--whether you talk to him or not, that's just the way it is. Therefore, just talk to him. This No Contact thing makes no sense."

 

Obviously, I think differently, or I wouldnt be here. It doest hurt. It's just a slight disappointment. And an aggravation. Like a itching mosquito bite.

 

HOWEVER, on a better note, I've joined an online accountability group for weight loss, and have started using weights. I've heard people say that exercising makes you feel better. It really does. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 (being not over him), and 10 (completely over), I feel that I'm closer to a 7. Feels good. And the closer I get to transforming my body the way I want, the progress will deepen.

 

My theory anyway.

[Sanity]

Day 16. I can't wait till 1 month!

[northpickle]

DAY 17

 

I'm doing OK, but this is quite hard. I have nothing I need to say to him so staying away is easy, but it feels like stalemate -wondering which one of us is going to cave in first!

 

Today I'm trying to think logically, we were friends for about two years before we got together and for most of that time I would go weeks and sometimes months without seeing him or being in touch in anyway, and thought nothing of it! In the few months before we got together he stepped up the ante and started asking me to gigs, to go out places and do stuff together, I just thought he was being friendly, the little sneak! One of the things he would say to me during the relationship was that he always loved spending time with me, so I'm hoping he is missing that now, even if the end was a little messy.

 

Fighting through another day anyway

[The Man Who]

Day 11

Haven't been on as much the past few days as I've been busy.

 

Saturday was a very interesting day for me, was booze fuelled however, I never contacted her or thought about it. Instead her Step-Dad spoke to me in the local nightclub suggesting that I apologise to her for not being her friend right now. I simply replied(although drunk) "I have nothing to apologise for, I can't be her friend right now and I'll get in touch with her on my own terms".

 

Anyways, last night I got bugger all sleep so I had a lazy day today which was long and boring. I read a few self improvement books and I genuinely feel better in myself. My Mum and Dad both love the change in me with me going back to the gym and also my new wardrobe which makes me look new and fresh in their eyes. Also noticing my attitude is changing and I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks now, the only person's opinion that counts is my own. Get in!

[Melting]

Day 3 BU 1st Sept.... WoooooooooooooHoooooooooooooooooo... this is the longest I have gone NC so far. Very proud of myself.

 

Hope I can keep remaining strong, all my friends are very supportive and would kick my bum if I ever went back to you.

[broken123]

day 10,

 

I feel great today for some reason Today was by far the easiest day I have had in awhile. I hope I can keep these positive feelings going without her

[dream222]

Day 10.

 

You apparently think that I hate you. It's really not true at all. I became very angry with your childish way of handling things post-breakup and I did express this anger to you but now I don't really care.

 

I feel like the hardest part is over.

[jeepman41]

Sometimes the people closest to you really do not understand your situation. They only see what they want to see. Their "advice" is well intentioned but it's not warranted in your situation. It's all because they are on the outside looking in. Every breakup is different but there is one constant. if there were real feelings there's going to be some real pain. You can choose how long you want to hurt especially if staying in contact with them is causing you pain. Implementing NC has become a golden rule in breakups. My personal take on it is you should go at least 90 days before attempting to reestablish contact. I think this period of time helps you go through an emotional reset. After you complete 90 days you may not even feel you want to contact the person whom you broke up with.

 

Exercise does wonders for the body. It releases endorphins into the blood stream and give you an overall sense of well being. It is a very pure form of self love. It takes your mind off of your worries and gives you a feeling of accomplishment.