THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[iamanne]

Day 11

 

He called me 4 times around 3 or 4am. It woke me up but i rejected it. After 4 attempts, I received an sms: "so i guess you're busy. if you don't wanna talk, fine! kiss my ass!" .. I didn't reply and went back to sleep... I know now what I really want, why I went on NC.. I am doing this not to win him back anymore - I am doing this for myself and after that sms, I know I made the right choice...

[Janeiac]

iamanne, you are better off without someone so selfish! Good luck!

[iamanne]

iamanne, you are better off without someone so selfish! Good luck!

 

he had the face to send me that SMS after what he did.. haha.. that SMS made me realize so many things I wish it came a lil earlier but no regrets though.. I'm glad he did that.. Got myself a new sim today

[piruru]

he had the face to send me that SMS after what he did.. haha.. that SMS made me realize so many things I wish it came a lil earlier but no regrets though.. I'm glad he did that.. Got myself a new sim today

 

That text he sent was a real douche move. You're so much better without him and everyone can tell.

 

Good job on being strong and getting a new sim.

[gez2705]

FloridaMan That's what I did back in 1988 before you had interne boards.

Well where both showing our age there LOL what did we do before computors and internet boards

 

if you can tell us, what is the counselor saying? Anything that could help the rest of us

 

I will have to give you a brief bit of background first so here we go

The last two relatioship's before C both ended up me being dumped big style.

I was with my 2nd wife for almost 10 years

My 2nd wife left me for another woman can you believe that !!!!this really knocked my self esteem have never heard from her again except through the divorce courts

But I quite quickly met someone else some would say this was a rebound proberbly was it was so quick we where living together within the space of a month we where together for almost 3 years this one left me for another man (it was a proper Dear John letter she moved out whilst I was at work) at least it was the opposite sex that time LOL

Went NC straight away she has contacted me once in Oct last year but never replied I could never forgive her some things you can't.

 

I met C 6-7 months after I was dumped but could not give her 100% I was holding back because I honestly thought she would do the same as the last two partners I was very wary I really really loved C but made to many rules was controling infact quite controlling

Something I had never been in the past with any of my partners to be honest i was always laid back nothing fazed me

I honestly believed that being controling and being in charge of the relationship and laying down the groung rules would stop what happened before happening again I also had a few anger issues never violent just losing my temper very quickly and for the smallest thing

 

I really do's not work so I have ended up with negative attitudes about relationships ,anger issues, low self esteem

I know I really want to get right and know its going to be hard work and not be fixed in a couple of weeks anyone who says they are sorted in a couple of weeks are in denial or lying to themselves

I never used to be like when I look back on myself I don't recognize myself anymore

I was the most confident self assured laid back person on the planet

 

So basically the way I act and feel is because I never gave myself time to heal between relationships jumped from one into another and another both where traumatic breakups and took there toll on me but I never resolved them in my head just scarred me and because of this I now have these negative attitudes which I now have to resolve

 

Sorry if that was rambling but I did not find that easy

[Moonchill]

@ Iamanne: You go girl! Nothing says "kiss MY ass" better than switching your sim and move on

@ Helpmetoheal: It really is! You're free to PM me too if you'd like

 

NC day 18 ( or something ?)

 

Put all his pictures on an usb stick ( had to see them again first and it was a fine ritual).. Painted the box red (I just had to do that)

After I put all the stuff in the box that remind me of him .. I will put some duck tape around it and try to have closure.

 

Secretly still fantasizing about meeting him in the future and looking awesome with a new hot boyfriend by my side making him jealous as hell..

The time when I am really over him will be the time I don't want to make him jealous, I just want him to have a good life.

My mad phase is over and didn't last that long. Because the problem is.. he isn't a jerk. He really is a nice sweet guy that has lots to offer.

The bigger problem is, he doesn't want to offer it to me anymore. I miss the little things that defined him. Like the way he said "yes".. or the way his hair hangs in front of his head when he's drumming.. and the way he shakes his head to the beat because he's all into it.. His sweet text messages... his attention.

( I really sound desperate and I really hope he doesn't come near this site at all!!)

 

So this weekend I will be at a film festival With a good friend of mine. Maybe meet another friend too!

I love movies, it's a great way to find some distraction. I'm also busy making "maracas" ( I wanted to give that to him on his birthday but that ain't going to happen anymore so I will still continue to make them for myself! ) I have lots of creative projects I want to finish! So I will dive into that!

 

Conclusion: I miss him but I'm feeling better as the days go by.. I regret the times I made contact with him again after saying I wanted NC

 

Don't do it, it stings like hell when they don't react back.. at all...

[jonesyjakk]

man day 4 is almost over....

 

DAY 4 of nc, man what a rollercoaster its been today. Woke up this morning and took my son back to her parents house, kept thinking of her having a great time in her new flat. kept thinking whats she up to. it's very strange because then i think i don't care what she's doing im better without her. i keep thinking man im free to do what the hell i want, then im thinking man i hope she comes back....then i think i don't want her back, do i? i njust don't know. keep telling myself all my poems went in the bin and its really over...then keep thinking why all the texts for 2 n half months then when she gets into her new place we haven't spoken since....man this is strange....in a 8 n half years i don't think we've ever gone 2 days without talking and now its been 4.....keep wondering if 6 months down the line she'll come back or she'll have a new fella.....feel so sorry 4 my son to have to grow up like this.......can't believe she never wanted to work things out....it just happened so sudden....almost feels like our relationship was a dream and never happened.......

 

man what a contrast to yesterday.....it sucks.....why the wave of emotion still when all i can see is how well she's doing? why am i still like this? i bet she isn't like it anymore....i bet she doesn't even think about me.....man it hurts....i wrote a text saying i miss you but deleted it right away.....i miss my son tonight....ive had him since sunday...now he's in a new place, a new home.....i just wish i could hug them both right now....then she has truned my world upside down and why would i want to hug her? man......its just the different feelings that mess me up....one minute im upbeat, positive then im down and negative, one minute i can see us working things out in the future the next i can see it over forever..........one minute i think i can be her friend the next i never want to see her again.....why the difference in feeling.....i wish i could just say one thing and stick to it.....the only thing ive managed to continue is the NO CONTACT......no news is good news.

 

IT SUCKS AND I WANT MY FAMILY BACK ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Roll on day 5 tomorrow!

[ClarenceRutherford]

Take the other night. I was IM'ing her through facebook.

 

I had been posting older photos of the two of us, pics of when we dated and from our honeymoon. I also post recent pics of us.

 

She said her friend saw the pics and thought something was wrong with our marriage. My wife said "you can't live in the past" - a comment that got to me.

I sensed something was going wrong, like maybe she's pulling away from our marriage.

 

So I immediately called her.

My fears weren't real and we continued talking and IM'ing. Kind of neat doing some love-talk on the phone and onlne simultaneously.

....

She's supposed to fly here in late Feb

She called this afternoon and wants to fly down here on my birthday weekend, in March. Kind of a birthday gift.

I asked, "Will this be an anything goes eve. with you???"

(That's code for letting me do anything I want sexually with her). She politely declined but I think it's going to be a great weekend!!!

[ClarenceRutherford]

FloridaMan That's what I did back in 1988 before you had interne boards.

Well where both showing our age there LOL what did we do before computors and internet boards

FloridaMan if you can tell us, what is the counselor saying? Anything that could help the rest of us

Well where both showing our age there LOL what did we do before computors and internet boards

 

....

I really do's not work so I have ended up with negative attitudes about relationships ,anger issues, low self esteem

I know I really want to get right and know its going to be hard work and not be fixed in a couple of weeks anyone who says they are sorted in a couple of weeks are in denial or lying to themselves

I never used to be like when I look back on myself I don't recognize myself anymore

I was the most confident self assured laid back person on the planet

 

So basically the way I act and feel is because I never gave myself time to heal between relationships jumped from one into another and another both where traumatic breakups and took there toll on me but I never resolved them in my head just scarred me and because of this I now have these negative attitudes which I now have to resolve

 

Sorry if that was rambling but I did not find that easy

No, it wasn't too rambling at all. Thanks for sharing.

 

After I got dumped in '88 from that NEAR-fiance, I acted a lot different. I changed my career and went to grad. school. I too didn't recognize myself either.

[piruru]

Day 41

 

I'm so tired. My heart is so tired. My body and mind are too exhausted to continue this any further.

 

I think I'm finally going to give up on reconciliation or any kind of friendship with the ex.

 

I can't deal with this pain anymore. I have to pretend like he never existed and that my life is better without him.

 

I think I am finally in the position where I can wish him the utmost happiness. I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. I want to wash my hands free. I'm beat.

 

(I spent all last night ruminating about the ex and reading about the rebound relationship on ENA. There's just no hope anymore. I am being a fool by hanging onto this false hope.)

 

Action plan once I get better from illness:

1. Gym & yoga -- not to look good, but to get fitter

2. Focus on studies

3. Take up an extracurricular activity to fill up my time... painting lessons/guitar lessons/learning a language... whatever.

4. Go for walks everyday or spend at least an hour outside of the house once a day

5. Pamper myself -- beauty treatments, new clothes, haircut, doing my makeup more often to feel pretty

6. Practise meditation

7. Do things that I enjoy... by myself

8. Catch up and hang out with friends more often and go to places that the ex and I used to go to make new memories

9. Make plans and set goals for my future. Go through with them all.

10. Work on improving things within myself that I feel insecure and unhappy about.

11. Start dating!!!

 

Expected start date: 07/02/2011

 

Let's go!

[Janeiac]

Floridaman, I know you didn't ask for advice but since you are posting here I'm thinking it's kind of implied. Forgive me if that's not the case.

Your wife made a move towards you with an offer to come see you over your birthday. Rejoice in that. Don't ask for anything for YOURSELF (see my advice on the other thread.)

I mean it-- NADA--RIEN-- ZERO--NOTHING. DOn't say you want "anything goes" or any other intimate expression Don't ask for kisses or sex. Just try to hold her hand and maybe sneak a kiss on the hand. Be happy about that. DO NOT SEEK SEXUAL CONTACT. This is the NC thread, right?

Let her come to you on her own voilition if you want a fulfilling experience. Anything else will repel her.

[Janeiac]

Day 16

Sometimes I can't help a thought of X popping into my mind, and I feel practically nauseated with anger and disappointment. He cheated! I don't want him back, but I miss the days of hope I used to have and I hate that he ruined it. I can't see happiness on the horizon, but I have to know it's there waiting in my future.

Pushing away thoughts of X and getting on with it.

Planning an excercise program. That will surely help.

[Janeiac]

piruru, why wait until July? Start caring for yoruself today! I'm so sorry you are ill. Focus on your health and getting stronger. Maybe some nice bubble baths or beuty treatments at home will help, you know like a clay mask or a nice pedicure you do yourself. You can focus on studying and reading, too, while you are home. I know it's hard to put an ex out of one's mind, but finding mental distractions definitely helps.

The other stuff-- new activities, etc, you can do when you feel ready. No need to set a calendar date.

Take care of yourself, first, starting NOW.

[Mrs Popsicle]

Day 2 of NC for me. I found out the other day that one of the reasons I have been let down so much recently by BF is because he has been drinking A LOT. I didn't know because we haven't spent much time together lately. He contacted me the other day to tell me that he's giving it up. I wish him luck with it. I can't be there as a prop for that kind of behaviour-I have been in that situation before and it's not pretty. In a way I feel a sort of relief, that it wasn't anything I could have sorted out, that it wasn't because I wasn't good enough, it was because he has problems that are beyond our relationship.

I do miss him though.

[jonesyjakk]

day 5 nc, i know we will speak sunday as im picking up my boy, but i think 5 days is the longest we ever gone wiothout speaking in nearly 9 years. I wonder how she feels about that? Today has been such a wave of emotion, i think yeah, it's done, we'll never get back, then i think maybe a bit further down the line we can work things out.....just feel like im holding onto a pipe dream and then i get upset......then i think i don't actually need her and then i think i miss her so much.

 

anybody else feel like that, such a wave of emotion ups and downs, i can't help but wonder does she feel the same, does she have ups and downs, I guess this just shows i still care right, but then why should i care? man i wish i could turn these feelings off.....feel like a woman on permanent PMT!!! IT SUCKS!

 

Tomorrow is day 6, sunday is contact and monday is back to day one.......well im off up the gym then its wales v england in the 6 nations......WALES WALES WALES WALES!!!!!!!!!

 

Hope tomorrow is a brighter day!

[Janeiac]

jonesy, we all feel ups and downs, it's completely normal. You can't shut off your feelings for someone who has been such an integral part of your life. All you can do is what you are doing-- take care of yourself, and let the feelings come, and then let them go.

((hugs))

THings are going to be ok.

[gez2705]

Jonsey hope your well like janeiac says you will have ups and downs if you did not have those feelings you would not be human and it really gets better the longer it go's on so keep yourself busy

One thing you are in denial about Wales in the 6 nations ENGLAND every time a grand slam on its way me thinks LOL

enjoy your self AT THE GYM

[Mrs Popsicle]

Well my NC isn't going very well, ex phoned me while I was shopping (though I was on the phone anyways so couldn't talk) then I bump into him in the supermarket!

For all those doing NC but have a high chance of meeting their ex, how do you handle it? We live in the same street so I imagine this is going to crop up a lot

[Moonchill]

NC day 19

A lot in the media today remind me of the inside jokes I had with him. Yesterday I told a friend I missed him and he said " you're STILL missing him?" And I felt like an idiot. On the other hand... he doesn't know what it's like missing someone you used to be really in love with.

 

Right now I'm watching a cheezy dance flick Got lots of plans this weekend...

When we were together I was going to make a few things for him ( a painting, an instrument, even a mandala)

And now I am still going to make those things the way I planned.. the only thing that's diffrent.. I am making them for myself.

And it feels good!

 

We promised to give eachother a self made piece of "art" .

Now I'm never (?) going to know what he would have made for me but he couldn't paint that good so it's no big loss.. ( that might sound a bit arrogant, I liked the gesture but I guess I wouldn't hang it on my wall anyway gna gna gna)

 

To mrs Popside: try to handle it with grace. Say hi with a smile or something. If he wants a conversation, try to keep it as short as possible and say you're busy and you better get going or something like that. Whatever you do, don't ramble on and don't burst into tears

[Mrs Popsicle]

Aww Moonchill, the inside jokes are hard to forget aren't they? Don't feel like an idiot, only you know how you're feeling, besides, its better to be honest with yourself and your friend I think.

There's some things about ex ex exes I still miss lol, and actually your whole 'making things for each other' thing has just reminded me of some of them! I think thats one of the reasons me and recent ex aren't together, there was absolutely none of that-he never even bought me a present!- whereas I remember the nicest thing my husband did didn't cost a penny, he wrote me a book! (sadly it was never finished, who knows how it would have ended?)

 

Was really difficult seeing the ex- it was me that ended it finally, but I still feel like he broke up with me because he just wasn't there emotionally for a long time. He looked terrible, and sad. We both asked what the other had been doing, and he made a point of telling me he hadn't gone to the pub (alcohol issues were a big one) I didn't really know what to say. I mean, obviously I'm glad but it's not really my place any more to support him -as much as I'd like to I think he needs to do it on his own, is that harsh?

 

Mrs Popsicle

[ClarenceRutherford]

Floridaman, I know you didn't ask for advice but since you are posting here I'm thinking it's kind of implied. Forgive me if that's not the case.

No problem at all. All advice welcomed.

Fla. Man

She called this afternoon and wants to fly down here on my birthday weekend, in March. Kind of a birthday gift.

I asked, "Will this be an anything goes eve. with you???"

(That's code for letting me do anything I want sexually with her). She politely declined but I think it's going to be a great weekend!!!

I'm going to turn 4-9 btw.

Your wife made a move towards you with an offer to come see you over your birthday. Rejoice in that. Don't ask for anything for YOURSELF (see my advice on the other thread.)I mean it-- NADA--RIEN-- ZERO--NOTHING. DOn't say you want "anything goes" or any other intimate expression Don't ask for kisses or sex. Just try to hold her hand and maybe sneak a kiss on the hand. Be happy about that. DO NOT SEEK SEXUAL CONTACT. This is the NC thread, right?

Let her come to you on her own voilition if you want a fulfilling experience. Anything else will repel her.

That's sound advice, Jane.Thanks for putting some thought into it.

 

As you're a woman, and could provide me (and others on this board) some "inside information" here, how would my trying to caress her and the other stuff repel her? We're married, after all.

[Moonchill]

Thanks Popside, that's making me feel a bit better

( You know,an ex from a long time ago composed a classical piece for me .. about me.. it was quit correct because the piece sounded sad at the end just like our relationship .. he said it was an open end.. your story of the book reminded me of that )

 

You've got a tough situation there. But he does have his own support system I might hope ( friends.. family.. )

[Mrs Popsicle]

Thanks Popside, that's making me feel a bit better

( You know,an ex from a long time ago composed a classical piece for me .. about me.. it was quit correct because the piece sounded sad at the end just like our relationship .. he said it was an open end.. your story of the book reminded me of that )

 

You've got a tough situation there. But he does have his own support system I might hope ( friends.. family.. )

 

Moonchill thats lovely It's so precious when someone creates something special for you, its gifts like these that I really treasure.

 

As for ex, well, he has next to no support. No contact with family, fallen out with a few close friends (due to drinking) and to be honest, most of his friends drink a lot so not sure if thats a good thing or not?

 

I don't know, it feels harsh to not be there for him, but firstly, the deceit and hurt I've dealt with recently means I'm not sure I can continue to be in his life, and secondly, I don't want him to quit for me, I want him to do it for himself. Still unsure about things though

 

Mrs Popsicle

[ClarenceRutherford]

On my wife and my long distance marriage, I've started a new thread to cover that, as it doesn't really belong in this topic.

My long-distance marriage

 

 

[Helpmetoheal]

Jones.... I feel the exact same way as you! One day I am strong and ready to accept whats happened, the next I find myself plotting and scheming about what to do next to win him back. This is hell!