gez2705

Its been a long time since I was on here but thought I would have a look whats been going on the last couple of months. I last contacted C about Valentines day so its been around two months it was about that time I stopped feeling sorry for myself and sorted my S**T out and stopped coming on this Forum. This sight was becoming like an addiction and I had to break the habit which I have just came back to tell you people there is a real world out there All the pain you all are suffering and feeling now will disappear in time that I promise you. I have met the most wonderful person only four weeks ago All my past realtionships have led me to her all those ups and down have led me to this person life is just a journey we meet people along the journey some stay the course and some fall by the wayside thats just life you have to live with that. All the heart ache you are feeling now take hold of it and embrace it and remember it but the main thing learn from it this pain is part of the grieving process do not ingore it live it . There are people out there who do want relationships you will not be single forever do not dwell on the past look forward there is someone out there for every one of you, and it will happen when you least expect it trust me . Cheers Gez

I had a bit of a rant on here Monday after breaking NC after six weeks I was so annoyed with myself and thought I could handle seeing her I'm really happy that I did have somewhere to blow off steam it really did help. I have had some time again to let things settle and am feeling much calmer just feel a bit stupied. In a way its a learning curve I thought I was in a place where seeing her will would not bother me, if she had said she hated me it would be so much easier than her telling me she still has feeling for me and kissing me I could accept that and it would be much easier to accept So I am now 2 days contact but I now know I will not be contacting her again I do not like this feeling inside me I want it to go away and the only way is by going hardcore NC

So back to day one after six weeks of NC and feel a complete idiot why did I not just take the advice given out on here and keep myself to myself I was doing so well yesterday morning found her profile on a dating site which really threw me so drove round to her house to confront her (I know a real dumb thing to do) when I got to her house she invited me in and we started chatting but it did not feel strained and she was pleased to see me to cut it short we ended up kissing which again was totally strange and unexpected. So this morning found her number and rung her about what happened yesterday and she said basically said she still had deep feelings for me and really fancied me but it was a mistake kissing me and didn't want me to contact her again. What a idiot I've been right now I feel a proper muppet straight back into NC for me Anyone thinking about breaking NC really think about it, then think about it again, and then double check because you are making a mistake, because if you do break NC you are wrong its not a good idea unless you are totally in control of your feelings and six weeks is not even a drop in the ocean maybe six months I honestly can say if you are not totally over your ex it will come back and bite you on the A**E and you will feel like s**t its even worse than the day you broke up so please please please think about it before you do it So from here on and up the light is a small dot at the end of the long tunnel at the moment but the more I walk towards it the bigger the light becomes and I will get to it this is just a set back

It will be six weeks on Sunday since I last spoke to C and 2 1/2 months sine we split and 40 days since I started NC this time seems to have gone so quickley and so slowley at the same time its really funny LOL I have no longing now to contact C if my phone beeps I can ignore it now I have no feeling's of fear of panic about what she is doing or even if she is seeing someone else its really not my business my business now is me and only me.Do not get me wrong I still have feelings for her but am not dependent on her having feelings for me anymore. I really feel good about everything at the moment I like how things are going in my life and how I am developing as a person I feel so much calmer and positive in every thing I do from work to driving (I was always having road rage) I seem to have lost so much anger and feel so much better for it I can only put this down to two things I've done two things differently with this break up one is going NC with C it helped me get my self dignity back and my perspective on life I am really finding the real me I have forgotten for so long who I actually was before I could only really justify my own happiness with another person in a relationship I have a friend who split with his gf the same time as me and C I told him about this site but he thought it was garbage (each to there own I suppose) and though by staying in contact would get his GF back. He still has not no further with her after three months and he is a bit of a paranoid mess at the moment I feel really sorry for him because he is agreat Guy but he cannot bear to let her go and has a fear of being single I can see the mistakes he is making time and time again I really hope he see's where he is going wrong but he still has to have his realization moment I look at my friend and see what I could have been like if I had not found this site and discovered NC it has made this break up so much easier (but its still been hard) The second thing I have done differently is seek proffessional help again something I have not done before I will be honest if any one reading this replay who think they are in need of a counceller to help them do it Do not feel ashamed or embarressed it will help you and help put everything into perspective if you need it do it there is no shame It will really help you to heal quicker and fuller you may have deal with some major issues and it reallty helps

I've been to my see my couceller today and where chatting as you do in councelling LOL today he mentioned and briefly discussed a psycologist called Viktor Frankl so I came home and googled him and have ordred his book I also googled some of his quotes and this one struck me as apt for this thread "When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves " I Think this describes NC well and why you should do it

Well tomorrow is five weeks Have just been out with some mates for a meal and a few drinks only shandy's my turn to drive I still do feel like going out and getting drunk something I used to enjoy LOL don't know if I'm growing up finally They have all been taking the p**s out of me tonight because i've lost my voice bit of a god send for them proberbly I do jabber a bit So how am I feeling, actually I feel really good there's still been no contact between me and C and feel that there never will be again but I have no real urge to contact her and have realized C is not on my mind all the time Mornings when I first wake up are still the hardest time for me so I no longer lie in bed but get up and do something. My councelling is going really well should have done it years ago been three times now I know thats not long but its a start and it seems to be working giving me a new perspective on my behaviour and how to change myself all or the better. For the first time in a long time I can sit in my own home and be comfortable with myself and not start to get anxiouse about it Asked tonite by my friends If I'm ready to date again after the break up with C to be honest I am not I just want to be on my own for a while and get to know me again I need to resolve some stuff and I can only do this on my own I have also decided not to spend so much time on here I think its quite addictive actually but it has also helped me loads so I'm only going to post on here once a week from now on or if anything happens with C so it will only be once a week LOL I also think I should be on the healing forum not on the getting back together forum be I will stop on this one because I started on it Every day it gets easier I am so glad that C is also in NC with me ,she has made it so much easier for me so a big thank you to C for giving me time to heal

Jonsey hope your well like janeiac says you will have ups and downs if you did not have those feelings you would not be human and it really gets better the longer it go's on so keep yourself busy One thing you are in denial about Wales in the 6 nations ENGLAND every time a grand slam on its way me thinks LOL enjoy your self AT THE GYM

Well where both showing our age there LOL what did we do before computors and internet boards I will have to give you a brief bit of background first so here we go The last two relatioship's before C both ended up me being dumped big style. I was with my 2nd wife for almost 10 years My 2nd wife left me for another woman can you believe that !!!!this really knocked my self esteem have never heard from her again except through the divorce courts But I quite quickly met someone else some would say this was a rebound proberbly was it was so quick we where living together within the space of a month we where together for almost 3 years this one left me for another man (it was a proper Dear John letter she moved out whilst I was at work) at least it was the opposite sex that time LOL Went NC straight away she has contacted me once in Oct last year but never replied I could never forgive her some things you can't. I met C 6-7 months after I was dumped but could not give her 100% I was holding back because I honestly thought she would do the same as the last two partners I was very wary I really really loved C but made to many rules was controling infact quite controlling Something I had never been in the past with any of my partners to be honest i was always laid back nothing fazed me I honestly believed that being controling and being in charge of the relationship and laying down the groung rules would stop what happened before happening again I also had a few anger issues never violent just losing my temper very quickly and for the smallest thing I really do's not work so I have ended up with negative attitudes about relationships ,anger issues, low self esteem I know I really want to get right and know its going to be hard work and not be fixed in a couple of weeks anyone who says they are sorted in a couple of weeks are in denial or lying to themselves I never used to be like when I look back on myself I don't recognize myself anymore I was the most confident self assured laid back person on the planet So basically the way I act and feel is because I never gave myself time to heal between relationships jumped from one into another and another both where traumatic breakups and took there toll on me but I never resolved them in my head just scarred me and because of this I now have these negative attitudes which I now have to resolve Sorry if that was rambling but I did not find that easy

So I 've reached my first real milestone 30 days of NC so lets recap When I first joined this thread I was in a p**s poor state I had split up from C for 7 weeks. I had not done the begging or pleading but had tried basically tried to buy C's affection with presents and gifts just another form of manipulation trying to prove I was a real catch and the only one for her. But believe me it really do's not work you cannot make any person love you only they can decide that. You have to realize I felt like a junkie I'd get a high when she contacted me when I'd given her a present or gift but that high very quickly became a downer when I txt her and got no replay so bought another gift and then again another high it became a small circle of highs and lows that had to be broken. I really believe that you must have a moment of realization a moment when everything becomes clear and what you are doing to get your ex back is not working so the best thing you can do is nothing you cannot screw up if you do nothing I realized that I had initiated all the contact up to that point except when I'd bought her something so I decided to just fall off the face of the earth which I have done. So what have I done for the last month I have not sat on my a**e doing nothing first I read loads of books on relationships etc but soon came to the conclustion I did have issues love that word issues LOL So got myself a counceller who I see once a week its not what I expected you go in thinking there's one problem and its an easy cure but life's not that simple is it . I really know its going to help me sort myself out and its not going to take a couple of weeks but I'm in for the long haul. I've also been running and joined the gym again LOL but really enjoy it and takes your mind off things and feel much better for it. I also have reconnected with some old mates and had some good times at the cinemas and have had some wicked currys I've left the alchol out for the time being but feel better for it. I've also started to do some things I used to enjoy drawing and reading more things I never seemed to have the time to do when your in a relationship. So all in all there has been no contact with C for 30 days I started NC to get C back I think everyone on here starts for that reason. But I soon found out NC's a tool not for you to get your ex back ,its a tool for you to heal yourself to make yourself a better person for you and no one else. I would say that I am over C 50% actually a little more but my no means fully over her 30 days to get over some one you love and make yourself better is a drop in the ocean I think proberbly doubling it or even trebling it you may just start to be getting there I know for a fact I will only contact C its her job to contact me I was not good enough for her and thats a fact why should I make the first move. Also if C did contact me there would be no reconcilliation until I am healed and happy with myself and be happy with my own company. Just to finish I was working with a guy last week and was chatting to each over The guy I was working with is 25 with 2 kids both under 3 and he said he was jealouse of me because I was single is it not the case we all want what we cannot have

Today has been my day off work and its been a really really good day the first in months I actually got a lie in this morning actually slept and not just laid there thinking about C. I could not go out today had to wait in for a engineer for my car hands free kit its been broke for a fortnite so had to sit in and wait for him he turned up at 3.30 they never at the time they tell you But instead of moping around got caught up with all the things in the house I've been neglecting even moped all the floors all the way through the house dusted and changed all the beds and did a s**t load of washing. All this would have been a non starter a week or so ago How quickly things change and may I say for the better in myself and in my outlook on life Been on the laptop today and booked four days in Krakow in March going on my own you can't do that in a relationship LOL I'm really looking forward to it. Also my knee is much better so have started back lite training and feel better for it I have also been asked out to a surprise 40th birthday party tomorrow nite and have decided to go it will be my first time out since the break up and actually I'm really looking forward to it if fact am going out four times in the next fortnite if I'm not careful will end up a party animal maybe not yet Ha Ha So all in all the last two days have been excellent the first time in a long time I can actually see the light at the end of this tunnel and be happy about myself and have actually felt comfortable being on my own looks life is on the up and up. Still miss C but can now see a future either with her, but also without her either way I'm going to be fine

God day 24 I just had to check on the calendar to see how many days it has been I think thats a good sign when you can't remember LOL Still in no Contact with C I got my phone bill yesterday it came to my phone and and laptop so deleted before I could open it I had to resisit the temptation to peek at her phone number still really want to contact her just as well I'm c**p at remembering phone numbers or I would be no good at NC Went to see the counceller again on Monday its really hard work and do not like what he says some of the time but no one likes to hear about the truth about themselves especially when its not nice but I will get through this and come out the other end of the tunnel a much nicer more chilled out person who is not scared to show the real me in a relationship and be less of a control freak Its funny you can be controlling in a relationship without realizing it Thats something thats been pointed out to me never saw it in myself but Its true I laid down to many stupied rules when there was no need C loved me and I just pushed her away and kept her at arms length so I would not be hurt by her. I spent last night thinking about C the most I have done in a few days just the normal stuff Why has she not tried to contact me Has she met someone else Is she thinking about me Is she waiting for me to call Ha Ha NC is not easy !!!!!!!! But I believe its worth it

A whole 3 weeks never thought I would have gone as long as this Miss C so much. Even though I miss C and think about her constantly I know I would feel even worse if I had still been in contact with her and kept getting rejected. I have had my mum and dad round for dinner today I enjoy cooking and it took my mind off things for a while. I generally go round to a friends on Sat nite but he's in florida at the moment for a fortnight so stayed in was strange but came on here for a hour and that helped. I picked up a knee injury a week ago so have not been training am starting back tomorrow just on the lite stuff have missed training feel so much better when I'm training. So back to how I feel I feel much stronger than I did 3 weeks ago I still miss C but I'm coping well I'm keeping myself busy nearly txt her earlier in the week but resisted the temptation god its hard sometimes I have my next session with the counceller tomorrow and am really really positive about it have a good vibe about it I think it will really help me with my problems and address them I know I am doing it for me and know I will get through it and come out of it a much better person

I deleted C's contacts on my phone on the 2nd Jan so i knew there would be no way to contact her.(my friend has her number which I gave him and has strict orders not to give me it until day 30 or after and only if I ask) I have just gone through my work emails and C's deleted phone number was there, in my deleted files It took me quite by surprise I had my phone out and was writing her a txt before I knew it. I had to stop myself (take a deep breath ) Really think about what I was doing (would I regret sending it? ) How would I feel if she did not replay (like S**t) I've done well up to now (don't want to start again from day one) So the number is now deleted from my work account as well Why has NC so many ups and downs Ha Ha I AM NOT GOING TO BREAK NO CONTACT

Still going strong on the NC and will not contact her LOL Last couple of days have had mild panic attacks for want of a better explaination something about C jumps into my head you all know the ones "its been 16 days and she has not contacted me BLA BLA BLA I could be dead and she could not care less BLA BLA BLA or she's forgotten about me " Ha Ha So all I can do is take deep breaths and work through the feelings but I always get there luckily I still know I am doing this for myself but its the hardest thing I've ever done would love to talk to C but at the moment am scared of the rejection I would proberbly get from her Its no good for me and its not good to put C in that position and would only push her even further away maybe one day we will see But the longer we don't speak the more I know she's slipping away from me forever We will see

Has been a rough couple of days since day 14 thought it would be getting easier by now but no it seems to be getting harder they always say good things come to those who wait. but waiting is an absolute killer. I thought the days of going onto plenty of fish (where we first met) and me being totally paranoid thinking she may be on and looking for someone new Had gone with day one of NC just wishful thinking the paranoia sneaks up on yoe and bites you on the arse. Yes I really did that LOL what was I thinking.At least I was'nt begging and pleading I suppose could have been worse but not much !!!! Went to the counceller last night why when you do anything like that you go in thinking one thing but come out thinking the total opposite and the problems you think you have are not your real problems at all ? LOL Came out with a numb head so much to take in but I'll get there but will involve a lot of hard work but I'm willing to do it and come out a better person I Miss C loads but I suppose I'm doing well and I know this is for me not her Just hope one day she will see the change but even if she do's not it will all not be in vain LOL