THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[jonesyjakk]

florida man, thank you for that post, you are very right and she isn't worth my tears, my pain isn't worth what's been lost. She broke up our family, she left me, and that's all I need to remember.

 

Thank you!

[Janeiac]

simplme01-- don't leave the message. You will feel worse. Write out as much as you want, and file it -- that's what I did. If it ever comes to pass that you and he decide to reconcile, perhaps you might show it to him as part of your discussions. Now is not the time.

[Janeiac]

Day 6.

Why is it that we are hurt by parting from someone who does us not good? It must be brain chemistry and hormones having to do with the attachment we'd formed.

I still feel a bit ill over the whole thing. The less I think about it, the better it is. It really does help to find distractions. I don't need to waste time agaonizing about somebody who didn't care enough about me to stick around.

[simplyme01]

Day 6.

Why is it that we are hurt by parting from someone who does us not good? It must be brain chemistry and hormones having to do with the attachment we'd formed.

I still feel a bit ill over the whole thing. The less I think about it, the better it is. It really does help to find distractions. I don't need to waste time agaonizing about somebody who didn't care enough about me to stick around.

 

Janeiac...we seem to be at the same place with this. You're day 6, I'm day 5. We dated 1.5 years & BU 2 weeks ago. I know & have known it wasn't the best relationship, even though so much of it was wonderful. It's so hard to let go & not reach out 1 more time. When did you BU? And how long were you together>> I know I'll have good days & bad going forward. Just don't want to miss him anymore

[ClarenceRutherford]

Jonesyjakk,

Don't read too much into her saying how she's stopped crying.

I imagine her leaving you was painful for her too.

A month-and-a-half is a good amount of time.

 

The best friend of a woman who dumped me after 6 mos. told me the breakup wasn't easy for her either and how my EX thought my immediate resumption of dating others like a week or so later hurt her, like seeing others meant she didn't mean anything to me.

 

Who was she to tell me I couldn't date?

Her leaving wasn't my choice and at 26, I thought I needed to find that life partner I was seeking so wasn't going to let her ending our relationship get in my way of that.:sad:

 

It's good, though, you see it isn't worth crying over someone who doesn't really care about you.

 

florida man, thank you for that post, you are very right and she isn't worth my tears, my pain isn't worth what's been lost. She broke up our family, she left me, and that's all I need to remember.

 

Thank you!

Who would have thought the dumper has feelings?

Her feelings were the last thing I was thinking of at the time.

 

Me picking up and going out with other women, and she saw one of them in public. likely hurt her.

In no way did I want to hurt her. I loved her and wanted her back. Though I was shy and hadn't really dated that much (Tammy was my first serious relationship) getting back to dating was a way for me to try to cope and find validation through other women.

 

I'm still broken up about how it ended, but understand as it was her right to call it off if she wasn't happy. I think I was her first real relationship as well.

She finally married, an older guy with kids, so she may have settled.

 

I look at the one surviving pic I have of her and I. She was so beautful... and looks a lot like the woman I met 2-3 years later and ultimately married.

 

Even though that b.u. was 20+ years ago, I still want to contact her.

Don't know why. Wouldn't be a good idea. So better leave sleeping dogs sleep-- If I awoke one, I could get bit!

 

My last name is unique so if she wanted to find me online, she would have no problem. I'm all over the web.

Another former GF did email me a couple of years ago. We weren't close, it was casual.

But I felt some trepidation about replying to her as I thought she was made at me...

 

I have posted a pic of her and I in my profile. It's non-identifiable and I don't plan to keep it there long.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Here is what I wanted to hear Tammy tell me in our last meeting after she dumped me:

"Fla. Man, it will be all right. I know you loved and cared for me. We had some good times... I once loved you and I'm so sorry... You're a good guy who treated me well..."

I was blindsided and didn't recognize any of the conflicts that were developing and how she was withdrawing... That constant frown on her face on our last dinner date should have told me something..

 

This all started after we returned from a week's vacation where we visited my out of state parents and family and did some camping. Man, that was a mistake going on such a long trip at 6 mos. Guess she saw the real me

 

We were only talking engagement (she brought it up), but for some reason, 20+ years later (I was 26 then), I still get teary-eyed about the whole thingimage removed --- look at what I've lost and how I could have married a 30 y.o. virgin...

God, I'm crying now. Sorry.

[jonesyjakk]

flo, that sounds so close to home for me, we kissed and said we love eachother the morning we broke up. i remember 3 weeks earlier we were at my dads b'day and she didn't seem comfortable, almost guilty that she knew what was coming in the weeks ahead. looking back i should have seen the signs. But nobody teaches you this stuff right, you just have to learn it through experiences.

 

Man if i could only turn back the clock but the clock is only moving forward and its moving at pace. we have gone from being very friendly and having very friendly texts to now very cold and distant, almost like reality has kicked in for us both. I would probably, at this point fall to the floor and faint in shock if she said ive made a mistake, i can't see any way back from here.

 

The one thing we have is our son, which means for ever we will be in contact, and that maybe one day we will get back together, but i don't suspect this will ever be. I have moved forward massively and I see my future now as you have written above. So be it, wonderful memories but the biggest memory I will have is the morning we kissed and said godbye, then when i got home in the night she said its over.

 

That is what I see when i close my eyes, those words i hear when i lay in bed, her face i see when i look at my boy. it will all fade away in time, but reading what you've written above seems like the future I have in store for myself now. i'm sure someone will come along for me eventyually and i will be happy, but i will always wonder what may have been if only i hadn't have pushed her away. i will always wonder what our boys brothers and sisters may have looked like, what our wedding would have looked like and so on.

 

but, if this was meant to be, we would still be together right, so now we're apart for a reason, time will tell what that reason is. good luck to all who have loved and lost,

[simplyme01]

Isn't this suppose to get easier?? Why do I feel my absolute weakest today?? Please, please tell me again why I SHOULD NOT CONTACT him. I need a kick in the butt from you guys bad!!!

[Needtomove]

It's day 2, yesterday was hard, today not so bad. She tried to call this morning, text me hello and good morning, I didnt reply. Shortly after a text saying wow, only one day for you to get over me... No reply. Then again " she must be spectacular" and another call. Again I replie nothing. Still her texts come pouring in, you have nothing to say, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to work out and two more call attempts. I don't think she realizes that when I told her two days ago I was going to give her what she wanted and hive her space. It's hard to get attack like this, I get so tempted to call her or text her back, cut the crap, and remon her this is what you wanted, isn't it. But I don't want to have to start this process over again.

 

What should I do, do I break and reply and remin her that this is what she wanted, space and time or do I hold out a bit longer. Anyone???? Yesterday I thought about how time heels and it will get easier as time goes on, but it's scary cause I want her to miss me and realize what she's throwing away, it's scary that it will get easier for her to forget about me.......

[Needtomove]

Cause there are plenty of guys like myself out there, good guys who do everything right to save and be in love. Only to get thrown aside for the simple fact that certain women need attention from all guys even though it hurts the person that's trying everything to make it work.... We are out there and we won't have a chance till you move on and get over this. We can't play the victom forever... There are so many people out there with larger problems then we....

[jonesyjakk]

Hey simply, believe me it does get easier, honestly, for weeks i was devastated, I still am, i moved out of our house in the week we split and she has stayed there, i have always had hope but she told me she has found a place and will be moving soon. You know what, i just woke up one day and thought, you are going to the back of my mind, why do i bother begging when all you can do is reject me, you don't deserve my pain. Since sunday gone I have been in a much better place, we have a kid so can't do nc but since I have done limited contact (only talking to her about our son and nothing else, even though she has been asking how I am, hope I feel better 'cos i've been sick) I have moved on leaps and you will too the moment you realise life's not so bad. once you accept it, you will be happier, i'm not saying the pain will go but it will get better.

[simplyme01]

Cause there are plenty of guys like myself out there, good guys who do everything right to save and be in love. Only to get thrown aside for the simple fact that certain women need attention from all guys even though it hurts the person that's trying everything to make it work.... We are out there and we won't have a chance till you move on and get over this. We can't play the victom forever... There are so many people out there with larger problems then we....

 

If this was meant for me, as not why I have to stay no contact...thank you! I know there are great guys out there. Guys that really do know how to treat women & work at a relationship. Instead of the schmuck I spent a yr & a half with on again, off again over the same issues of him putting me down & tell me I'm crazy & obsess everytime I express feelings. For some reason, I am hanging on top the good & not thinking of the bad, there wa so much good. More good than bad, at least I thought so. I think I'm also hanging onto the thought of NC...the longer I go, maybe he'll miss me & want to work this out. That is so crazy, I know. I know the same thing will happen again. I don't want to miss him anymore!!!!!!!!!!

[apple89]

my story:

 

i just transfered to this new university (i was n texas, came back to fl) and as soon as i move in i start dating this guy (he lives at home where im from) so he basically would fly me everytime i couldnt drive to see him.. im an engineer major so i study ALOT so basically my weeks became all school catching up (bc i fell 3 weeks behind) and weekends devoted to my bf.. he the same, working all week and then weekends devoted to me.. i told him a few times how i was scared i wasnt meeting anyone in my new school and how i felt like he was becoming my only thing in my life.. he agreed however we never changed, we kept on going.. i never asked him to fly me or anything he always ofered (he flys for free so he would basically fly me free).. i dontknow if his a narcissitic or what i mean he does love himself ALOT.. i have never allowed my self be absored by anyone so much, except i felt for the frst time that i met a guy with all the qualities i want in a guy, i didnt have friends at my new school so yeah he was the only person i could talk to since i didn know anyone to be with during the weekends/free time...plus he was over demanding and jelaous (i have alot of guy friends) .. he also is 29and comes from a traditional jewish family so he feel slike he needs to get married soon (it made me get attached more to him bc although im def so far from getting married i didnt want him to find someonelse who is wife material and just get married-selfish i know)....so yeah i let myself be absorbed by the relationship...

 

i guess he got tired which omg i agree i knew sooner of later one of us would get tired, but he kinda blames it all on me saying i was clingy i and that i took the relationship way to serious for what it was...

 

i aslo believe u jsut dont fell out of love in a day, i wish u did bc other wise no one would ever be heat broken.. so hey if ur x told u he/she didnt love u anymore, i can reasure u its not the case, but what i can say is u are pulling them towards u to much, ur trying to hard and thats making them push u away and that moment of course they feel like the dont love u, bc they want to run away from you.

 

i been soo heart broken before i have begged cried lost my self steam.. seriously i have done EVERYTHING with old relationships.. so i know NC is very important and if we ever get back toggether it has to be right u know not the same mistakes.. i know we had to break up for me to have the opportunity to enjoy my new university and focus on school.. NC will also give each of us our space to be good with ourselfs bc we cant be good with each other if were not good with ourselfs.. we became to attached to fast n i feel like i do love him... and believe me or not, thats a HUGE motivation to let him go.. bc love is understanding.. he doesnt want to be with me..f as much as it hurts i need to understand that and not pressure him.. "if you love somethign let it go"

 

i said some mean things while drunk 2 weeks ago,.. but i apologized last wednesday with a text admiting my mistake (i didnt do it expecting any answer from him)... something tells me it didtn work bc of bad timing and that maybe in the future we could have a chance again.. i dont know.. but this time is all about me me me and just me so im just focusing on school, meeting people, get closer with my sorority sisters.. and really although i miss him so muchhh sometimes, i feel like i have no pain anymore.. i kinda jsut gave this to g-d and time to decide our future.. its hard though, regardles of his bads he truly is amazing (i hope he really is not narcissitic).. but as of me im just letting go and continue with my life bc i know NO ONE dies of love, yeah it is hard.. but like i said i been here before and as AMAZING as he is.. the first cut is the deepest and it just seems to hurt less every time.. im continuing my NC for whatevr it takes..if he comes back now it wont work bc i know that right now is not the time for us to be together bc i need to get my life and my own self back before i can be happy with him again.. but if im wrong ad we realyl dont have a "future" together, ill be fine to, bc i still going to live and learn and enjoyy every moment of happyness (im not gonan let depression win this battle)..

 

my advise to everyone... live ur life, seriously she/he thinks about u she/he calls.. so what its YOUR life and only u can control that... if its not working for whatever reason that isnt working, its just not gonna work bc none of u guys have changed, something there is in conlfict, like with my x and i, i know the problem was bad timing for me he got to caught up in the relationship and he needed to escape.. i dot know only u know.. but hey if its meant to be, time will make it work out and if u guys get back together in the future it will be for the good no need for space, no need to wait for her/his texts , no anxiety, .. it will all just fall in place.. bc love is peace.. no conflict.. so think twice .. do u really want them back right now, KNOWING it wont work out bc something in the relationship is broken, and neither of you guys have changed.. really NO at least i know i dont if hsi gonna come back it will be for the good and we all deserve that

 

but hey like the last words scarlette said in GONE WITH THE WIND.. "after all, tomorrow is a new day"

 

bring it on DAY7!!!

[piruru]

Day 30

 

Today is the official last day of the the challenge so I spent the day being productive and working on myself. No moping. Went to the gym, did some yoga and saw a movie. Overall, I feel good about myself. But I still long for the ex. Isn't that weird?

 

Days 31 & 32

Again, I didn't sit around moping but I indulged in thinking about the ex a little bit. I watched a drama where the main character reminded me a little of my ex so I ended up thinking about him again and mourning what could have been. Pathetic and useless, I know. I didn't let my thoughts stop me though. I went on dates as per usual and got a little bit tipsy. For the first time in a long time, I was a happy drunk. Not a depressed "cry forever now that my ex is gone" drunk. I guess you could say this is progress.

 

Day 33

 

Caught chicken pox from my housemate. I went out in the daytime but soon found out I was sick so I went home. There wasn't really much to do at home except lie around, watch movies, go on ENA and think about the ex. I've managed to curb my hope about reconciliation with the ex but I'm having trouble with this longing. I just long for him. I long to see him. To have him in my life. To appreciate him once again.

 

I feel like I've gone backwards in my process of healing. I'm back to that denial stage or something. I refuse to believe that he is gone from my life forever. Because although I don't see him, I still hear about him. I still know roughly what he is doing. I know that he has a girlfriend. I understand that they could possibly stay together forever. Somehow I find myself just praying that they will split, even if it means he won't be with me. I am also refusing to believe that they will last very long either. I think this is a bad sign.

 

I don't check his social networking sites anymore. I don't check my phone every five minutes anymore. I don't even remember his number anymore. I don't go to his house or his workplace to hang out in hopes of bumping into him anymore. I've filled my life with things to do in place of spending time with him. I've learnt how to love myself and appreciate myself better. I feel like I am my own person again. Yet I still miss him. I long for him. I miss the little weird things about him that used to drive me crazy. I miss watching him paint. I miss how he used to talk about random stuff, about his art students, about music, his inspiration, his ideas. I miss the little things that he used to give me for no reason at all. I miss our hugs in the middle of the street in winter. I miss the coffee and cigarettes (I've already quit for a few weeks now). I miss seeing his naked sweaty body and his god-awful kisses. The way his face always used to radiate a little ray of light everywhere. I still remember the one time he picked me up while I was waiting for him outside of McDonalds. I will never forget that moment. He was just too damn delicious and adorable, I had to mentally kick myself to snap out of it.

 

The more I talk about it, the more I realise something that I was never sure of before. I loved him. I think I still do, but I've done all I can do for now. I guess all that will help me now is time.

 

(It doesn't help that he is one of the most handsome men that I have ever seen. My housemate even told me that recently when she was asking me what happened to him. It depressed me a little bit.)

[Janeiac]

Day 7

I've been doing a lot of reading about relationships, and reconciliation, and thinking some about what went wrong with X and me. I was thunderstruck with the notion that he never really loved me. I'd been carrying all the freight in the beginning. I made things really easy for him, and I sought to draw him to me but I never really got a loving response. He behaved as though he didn't care very much aout me and he wasn't interested in what I thought or how I felt. He said he loved me often, but he didn't act it. That really made me feel horrible. What a fool I've been! How could I be so blind? People keep saying that an ex will more often than not make contact, and that can be the opportunity to create a new relationship. I don't see that happenning. I don't see him contacting me at all, ever, for any reason. I do have a slender pretext to get in touch with him in the future-- he left a few things at my place that I'm certain he would want back (collectibles) but forgot about; however, the notion of maybe seeing him with this knowledge that he doesn't care at all and that I've been so wrong just rips me up. I'll have to leave them at his house, ring the bell, and go away. I don't even want to talk to him. I feel used.

[Needtomove]

Today is really hard. I can't get her off my mind, I miss her. Atleast yesterday even though her text msgs were hateful and negative, it still felt better cause I knew she was thinking about me.... No so much today, nothing at all... I can use some help, some motivation today so I don't cave, Please!!!!

[Janeiac]

needtomove, hang in there. NC is for yourself, to help you get away from the waterfall of emotions, to allow you to heal and move on. Find something to distract you, and take care of yourself.

[gez2705]

God day 24

 

I just had to check on the calendar to see how many days it has been I think thats a good sign when you can't remember LOL

Still in no Contact with C I got my phone bill yesterday it came to my phone and and laptop so deleted before I could open it

I had to resisit the temptation to peek at her phone number still really want to contact her just as well I'm c**p at remembering phone numbers or I would be no good at NC

 

Went to see the counceller again on Monday its really hard work and do not like what he says some of the time but no one likes to hear about the truth about themselves especially when its not nice but I will get through this and come out the other end of the tunnel a much nicer more chilled out person who is not scared to show the real me in a relationship and be less of a control freak

 

Its funny you can be controlling in a relationship without realizing it

Thats something thats been pointed out to me never saw it in myself but Its true I laid down to many stupied rules when there was no need C loved me and I just pushed her away and kept her at arms length so I would not be hurt by her.

 

I spent last night thinking about C the most I have done in a few days just the normal stuff

Why has she not tried to contact me

Has she met someone else

Is she thinking about me

Is she waiting for me to call

 

Ha Ha NC is not easy !!!!!!!! But I believe its worth it

[Needtomove]

"when the he'll does you'll get over it begin.......I still don't know how to act, don't know what to say, still wear the scars like it was yesterday..... Looking hard in the mirror, but I still don't fit my skin..... I'm barely use to saying me instead of us, the elephant in the room keeps scaring off the guest, it gets under my skin to see you with him, and it's not me that your with...... I can't keep thinkng that your coming back. No. Cause I got no business knowing where your at, no. And it's gonna be hard cause I'm gonna have to want to heal, and it's gonna be hard the way I feel but I have to get real........ Don't know where to start still finding my way...... From this moment on , I'm changing the way I feel, fron this moment on it's time to get real...... You long gone, and moved on...... " words from The Script "long gone and moved on"

[d24]

Day 7

 

I broke my rule today for good reason - i am going away on a business trip and i needed my good suit which i had left at home - I must have read re-read and re-re-read her replies about 20-30 times. Trying to figure out why she used that punctuation, or that word, or of the x on the end actually meant anything. I'm driving myself crazy and I know it's ridiculous because i'll never know....

 

UGHH

 

DO NOT break contact, if you're anything like me you will regret it.

 

and to top it off she's dropping the suit off at reception @ work. i haven't seen her in a week, this is crazy. my own wife, i havent seen her in a week and i've done NOTHING wrong!!!!!!!! what the hell is wrong with me

 

 

i should have never contacted her

[apple89]

day 7

 

i miss him today soo much.. however i dont feel like contactin him so its good!!!.. keeping mysefl busy to think about other things in life.. jsut trying to focus on myself me me me me and just me, this is my time to revealuate myself and improve myself.. it just so hard when u miss someone so much it sucks

[simplyme01]

Day 7

 

Wow! Day 7 for me...this is the longest we've ever gone without any contact. Almost 3 weeks since I last saw him. I've had good days ad bad. It is still a constant emptiness feeling & I do miss him so much. I am trying to do a little more everyday as far as getting my life back on track. I am still not ready to go out on a Friday or Saturday night. I don't trust myself & I'm afraid I would drunk text him or even go knock on his door. So for now, I will stay in & continue my healing.

[d24]

Day 8

Cracked. I had to, it was coming. I can't go away on business leaving it how it is. I won't see her for almost 2 weeks now. I broke my only rule of NC and initiated contact... yep I went to see her.

 

I timed it well. It was between work meetings and only lasted about 3minutes. I told her my news but I was flustered, and she calmed me down a little. After she gave me a hug and we agreed again, leave it till I'm back for major decisions. She was about to go and I pulled her back for a kiss. I really needed it, and she reciprocated. Thankfully.

 

OK, I feel so much better now, I really needed that, and this trip won't be so hard now. I broke my only rule, but I feel a million times better for it.

[Janeiac]

Day 8. I'm fine.

[simplyme01]

Day 8. I'm fine.

 

 

REALLY????

I'm so happy to hear that! I'm a day behind you. I hope to see more good days than bad going forward. What have you been doing to help??