THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Janeiac]

simplyme, I just put him out of my mind. I don't think about "what if..." I remember that he made me feel unhappy, and that I don't want to feel that way. I find other things to occupy my thoughts-- reading, movies/TV shows, surfing the internet...and I know that a guy who would give me up isn't the guy for me.

[simplyme01]

simplyme, I just put him out of my mind. I don't think about "what if..." I remember that he made me feel unhappy, and that I don't want to feel that way. I find other things to occupy my thoughts-- reading, movies/TV shows, surfing the internet...and I know that a guy who would give me up isn't the guy for me.

 

 

Do you still miss him & hurt? How long were you together? And how long broken up??

[ClarenceRutherford]

simplyme, I just put him out of my mind. I don't think about "what if..." I remember that he made me feel unhappy, and that I don't want to feel that way. I find other things to occupy my thoughts-- reading, movies/TV shows, surfing the internet...and I know that a guy or gal who would give me up isn't the guy for me.

Jane,

That is a great comment.

I added to it a little to apply universally, if you don't mind.

[Janeiac]

I don't mind, Floridaman, and your expansion is correct

That said, it's still true that someone could have issues that need sorting out on his or her own. It's important to pay attention to what the other person is telling you in both words and deeds. If I read your story correctly, I think your wife is showing that she is not giving you up-- she hasn't filed divorce papers, is that so? She is asking for space. Give it to her cheerfully and without resentment if you want to keep the marriage together. She'll love you more for being supportive of her. That love is the only thing that may bring her back to you.

In my case, and I think many others, like yours simplyme-- I think I understand (correct me please if I'm mistaken) my beloved told me he wanted to be away from me, in no uncertain terms. He was emotionally absent, and he told me he wanted our relationship to end. If nothing else, for all of us, we can think if it in terms of giving the person we love whatever he or she needs to be happy, be it with us or without us or temporarily separated. Isn't that what love truly is?

 

Yes, I miss him (more precisely, I miss the way he was before things went sour between us) and I hurt. I've been rejected, and I've got the blues. But this hurt is less than having years of an unsatisfying relationship with someone who isn't interested in contributing to my happiness, who doesn't make me a priority (obviously! because he declined an opportunity to work things out and preferred to end it) and less than it would be if we stayed together longer and then broke up. We'd been together for close to two years. He was practically living with me, but not officially, and trying to get me pregnant. I'm truly better off than if I had a child with someone who wouldn't commit to truly being there for me and with me.

 

In answer to your question, we broke up Dec 30.

[Janeiac]

d24-- the important thing is you did what was necesary to care for your own self. If that's what made you feel better, then it was the right thing to do, for you.

[ClarenceRutherford]

we broke up Dec 30.

Jane, that really wasn't that long ago. You're doing well for all this though after a 2-year rel. Thank goodness you didn't have his child or you'd be forever connected to him!

I don't mind, Floridaman, and your expansion is correct

That said, it's still true that someone could have issues that need sorting out on his or her own. It's important to pay attention to what the other person is telling you in both words and deeds. If I read your story correctly, I think your wife is showing that she is not giving you up-- she hasn't filed divorce papers, is that so? She is asking for space. Give it to her cheerfully and without resentment if you want to keep the marriage together. She'll love you more for being supportive of her. That love is the only thing that may bring her back to you.

I'll go more into it with you in a PM later today, but my story is here for those interested...

 

[Love1336]

=)

I wanna do this.

Started today i suppose, even those >.> couples day ago i text him like a moron! But ima try to start today! No looking at his facebook and reading his crap! =D

Day 1...

I AM BORED AND MISS YOU.

[Needtomove]

So here's the update, she sent me a long winded text message telling me a story about how someone she works with has been marries happily for 28 years. They were high school sweet hearts an they broke up for 5 years while he went away to college, seeing eachother from time to time. But the moral of her story is if it wasn't for that time away he would have never realized how madily in love with her he was. The ex of 2 months now compares is to us saying if it wasn't for this time apart we wouldn't have known we were so in love..... I don't know what to say to that. It's still not bringing her back right now, so how would you interpret her? She still wants time and space from what I understand but she thinks we are going to work this out. I don't know what to think anymore cause all I cam think about is what is this time really for. She works part time and that's it so who is she really spending time with, who is she meaning around with, everyone has a story to tell about her in her past, so how do I believe her and believe that she isn't messing around. Today really sucks and it makes me sick to the point were I can't eat thinking about her with someone else.....

[MizzNatalie]

ack this is day 3 for me, but considering the fb thing... um. day 1. shoot. hahaha good challenge. I accept! can't wait for March to be here already. February is going go be hard.

[simplyme01]

Day 7 & all I can say is one week ago tonight I was all curled up on my couch with my tissues, crying & feeling so lost & confused & hurting like I've never hurt before. Tonight I came home from work & made me some dinner, which I haven't been able to do in 3 weeks...I even ate it all. On my way home from work tonight, I asked myself, what do I really miss?? I surprised myself when I realized I miss him being around, (we didn't live together but spent 5 days/nights a week together), I miss cooking & eating with him, (he was a very good & creative cook), I miss cuddling & sleeping with him almost every night (weekends are hell), I miss the passionate love making. What I didn't say or feel, is that I lost my best friend. WOW! That opened my eyes huge & I felt such relief. He wasn't my best friend. So many times I needed him, he wasn't there. I wasn't really a part of his family. He had a real hard time with conflict & feelings. I was certainly not a priority in his life. I do believe he cared & loved me, but we were on such different pages. I know I still have a long road ahead. But I never thought I would start having good days so soon. I still do miss him & think of him constantly, but I'm getting use to him not being around. For those of you that are at the beginning of NC, a few things that have really helped me are...

 

ENA, the NC challenge. When I felt real weak, I got on here and got the support I needed as to why I should not contact him & there are so many other threads on here that have helped tremendously...I've spent hours & hours on here, even when I'm at work, it's just a click away

 

Having someone to call instead of your ex, I have a gf that I call every day, sometimes hysterical, not sure she can understand me, but she's heard me say "I can't do this, I miss him, does he miss me?? Blah, blah, blah. She would hear the same thing over & over, but always told me all the reasons he is not good for me.

 

My journal...I write in it several times a day. When I want to say something to him...I say it to him in my journal. I write inspirational things I get from people on here. I write the good & the bad. Things that hurt, things I miss. I swear, I call him names, I love him. What ever I'm feeling, I write it down. I have every page dated & make note of my NC progress. I even write the time of day. This is a huge help.

 

A few things I haven't done...I HAVE NOT listened to any music. I can't yet. I have not looked at any pictures. I have not gone out much, I am getting use to be home alone on a Fri. Sat. & Sunday. I'm allowing myself to feel the pain & cry & yell & punch my pillow & damn I feel good after.

 

So there you have it. A week ago, I couldn't imagine saying I had a good day. Not saying that tomorrow I won't be a total mess, that's where my friends, journal & ENA come in!!

 

BIG HUG

[Janeiac]

needtomove, it sounds a if your ex isn't letting go of you, which means there may be hope for reconciliation. However, for that to ever happen it is very important that you give her the space she is asking for right now. Take this time to make yourself happy. Don't fret over the details of what she may be doing. You are broken up, it's none of your business. Put it out of your mind. Don't reply to any message. THese are designed for her to find out if she's got you hanging on a string or not. Let her know she does NOT -- by ignoring. At least for right now. Hang in there!

 

simplyme, I can see you are doing better already! Now that you can see where the relationship wasn't working, you can stop clinging to it and prepare yourself to have a better, more satisfying relationship in the future with someone who makes you feel loved and special. Keep going, you are doing great!

[apple89]

day 8... i feel good

 

i miss him still but im good with myself

[simplyme01]

Day 8

 

I don't know why this morning is so difficult. Maybe because it's a Friday & going into the weekend. I miss him so much, I want to text him, call him, hold him. I am 90% confident that I won't contact him.

[Janeiac]

simplyme, crank out that other 10% for yourself! Don't set yourself up for more heartache. You can do this! Think about having your own fun. Call friends if you feel like socializing, otherwise curl up with a good book or a movie at home.

[Janeiac]

Day 9

I still don't have any urges to get in touch with X. I'm still trying to get in touch with my old self!

[simplyme01]

simplyme, crank out that other 10% for yourself! Don't set yourself up for more heartache. You can do this! Think about having your own fun. Call friends if you feel like socializing, otherwise curl up with a good book or a movie at home.

 

I am feeling SO WEAK today I know I've come this far & I don't want to go back to square 1. Some days I just don't know how I'm going to make it through this day with out just sending him a "little" text. Yeah, like little will make a difference. It blows my mind how yesterday I felt so strong & today, not so much!

[simplyme01]

Day 9

I still don't have any urges to get in touch with X. I'm still trying to get in touch with my old self!

 

How are you doing this?? I know I've asked you that before. And I know what I have to do...and like you, I miss ME & so does everyone else.

[Janeiac]

simplyme, forgive me if I sound arrogant or lacking in compassion. Sometimes the things I say come out wrong. The way I am doing this is SHEER WILLPOWER. You can find this in yourself, not from following anyone else. Find something to occupy your thoughts. For me, that means a lot of reading. Reading is a real joy and passion of mine. I also love cheesy whodunit cop shows. I've been watching lots of those, and getting lost in the quirky characters and dramatic plots. I enjoy classic movies-- TCM has been showing some great oldies this week. Again, I lose myself in them. I haven't felt like socializing a lot recently, but that's me-- everyone has different approaches. I've had an occaisional friend over for take-out a couple of times, I chat briefly on the phone with friends, and I've scheuled a birthday dinner for myself next week at a restaurant with a crowd of people, so I'm not letting myself become too isolated. Take a look at yourself and what's good for yourself, and FORCE yourself to do it. Think of it as doing your housecleaning or homework or some task at work you dislike. It's for the best to get it done. Break it up into smaller steps if that helps. You can do this!

I feel like caca myself, but that's ok too. I'm not letting X drive me. I'm REFUSING to obsess over him. I'm not going to sit around and yearn for someone who doesn't value me.

[Janeiac]

simplyme, give an example of something you enjoy, and I'll give an example of how I'd use it to distract myself.

[Manon]

Day 2 with NC and feeling like crapola...don't know why I miss him...he even admitted he didn't treat me right but I still do. He emailed the two first days after I broke up with him and then I decided to not reply. I still have him as a Facebook friend and admit I look at his profile...should I block him? I just feel like if I do that he will know how much the break up is affecting me...

[ClarenceRutherford]

Jane,

This is great news.

 

I'm not a parent, but tough love is what's needed in this kind of thing. You weren't too hard on her. She and others can learn from your experiences.

 

You've made some mistakes, as you've posted, but you're doing more right things and it shows.

I made so many mistakes when I was in a similar situation I've posted about before and am embarassed. Crying, asking them to come back, hoping to "accidentally" bump into them somewhere, calling her best friend, parking outside of her home, etc., none of that helps and only makes you look weak.

 

Simplyme and others, please read what's posted here.

 

Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

link removed

It's a very long thread but well worth your time. I came accross it last night.

The guy who posted it got dumped and wrote about his feelings and how to get over this emptiness you feel.

 

No matter what you feel, don't contact your EX.

It will only make things worse.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Day 2 with NC and feeling like crapola...don't know why I miss him...he even admitted he didn't treat me right but I still do. He emailed the two first days after I broke up with him and then I decided to not reply. I still have him as a Facebook friend and admit I look at his profile...should I block him? I just feel like if I do that he will know how much the break up is affecting me...

Your feelings are normal, Manon.

 

About the blocking, everything I've read is yes, you should.

I don't know if that means you just delete him/her as a friend or choose the option to IGNORE that person's posts.

I'm on FB but haven't ever blocked anyone. I do ignore some people's posts bec. of politics or work stuff that's not interesting to me.

[simplyme01]

Janeiac & FloridaMan...a huge thanks to both of you. Janeiac, NO you were NOT too hard on me! Sometimes that's what I or we need to get throug this. Do I sometimes feel weak & pathetic?? Yes I do. I also know what I have to do & can't do. I KNOW what contacting him will do. I am very proud of my self for how far I've come in the past few weeks. They have been hell. But with the help of this forum & friends & those that really care I am keeping focused. I am sure I'm going to have more days like this. I have been doing things for me. Not yet ready yo goout & socialize. Baby steps for sure. Withh all that being said, do I sometimes feel pathetic & foolish...I do. I also know this isn't easy & it's normal to still hurt & to sometimes doubt that I have the strenght. That's why I reach out to you all. Be tough on me...that's what I need. I know I can do this, just sometimes need that encouragement form others that are going through the same thing.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Good to hear, Simply.

We've all been there and done that.

 

Even now, I'm having problems with a woman - a NEAR-fiance - I knew 22 years ago!!!

Should say - the MEMORY of this woman.

 

For some reason, she came up in my mind this week and I've been constantly going back.

Have no idea why I'm going back to her and other former EXs.

 

Thought I could call her friend and inquire, but even that would be a bad idea.

Don't want to awaken sleeping dogs. One might bite me!!!

 

I wanted/want her to tell me something like this:

 

I guess it's true you never really forget your first love.

Just glad we weren't sexual (she was a 30 y.o. virgin, which also hurts, thinking what I could have had I was naive and didn't realize what people can do to each other in relationships. But I learned and didn't let future breakups devastate me like it did at 26 (yes, I was a late bloomer and near-virgin).

 

I know you want to so desperately contact your EX. I so want to talk with this woman, but of course, rationally, it doesn't make any sense.

It's all just a fantasy as I don't even know that woman anymore.

[Janeiac]

Manon & simplyme-- it's completely normal to feel low after a breakup. Guess what: not everything in life is easy, fun, or pleasant. If it was it would be boring, and we'd be unhappy regardless! So go ahead and feel sad, just don't make the sadnes your main focus. Let yourself feel sad while you are getting on with your life. Clean the toilet. Oh look, I'm cleaning the bathroom and I feel sad. So what, right? It's ok. At least my bathroom is more pleasant. Leaving it dirty won't improve my sadness, but having it nice and clean maybe makes it suck a tiny bit less. Here's me going to my friend's party. I feel sad, but so what? I don't need to ruin the party. Other people don't need to get this dumped on them. Let them tell me their funny stories. Most people would rather talk about themselves anyway. Maybe I'll get a smile out of it. I'm overweight, here's me at the gym working out. I feel sad, so what? The fat still comes off my butt no matter how I feel! Later on I'll feel really happy about my smaller rear!

You get the idea.