THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[jonesyjakk]

I love the last post....especially the last bit....WE ALL WANT WE CAN'T HAVE.....that is so true.

 

Just over 2 months since my split and am in 2 days nc. we have a kid so its hard having nc but it only needs to be once a week so......2 days in and am feeling strange, the dust is settling but i am still so messed up and confused about so much.

 

enjoying getting my life in order yet there is still so much to sort thorugh. It's weird that someone I classed as my best mate is no longer around afetr nearly 9 years.....well 2 days, tomorrow will be three and well I do wonder how she feels about having nc, yet we will chat for 2 mins on sunday it's important i am happy in a good place for that 2 mins....then it should be 3 days on nc until eventually I am healed and we're either friends or on the road to reconciliation.

 

2 days feels good.....i feel good, had a monster session in the gym tonight am looking forward to blackpool with the boys in april and a holiday to portugal in july.......i will smile every morning and every night from here on in!

[simplyme01]

Day 1

 

Was at day 11, back to day 1!! I have no regrets. I don't feel horrible or weak. I feel real good actually. I have the closure I need and on a friendly note. I Texted him this morning & he immediately responded back. We had some fun chats & some serious chats. I think we both have an understanding of what we wanted out of the relationship. We were on way different pages. We both still love each other. I don't think either of us has plans to jump into another relationship. We both want to heal & grow. He hurt me, I hurt him. We're both sorry. We pretty much kept the door open for further contact, although we both know that isn't the best thing right now & probably won't happen. I really do feel better. When we broke up, horrible mean things were said. I told him to leave me alone & never contact me again. I feel now like it is more mutual. As much as I still love him & miss him (and I didn't come accross that way) I think he has the idea that I'm doing well. So even though I'm back to day one of no contact, this was good for me. I was really hurting before with how we left things & also knowing that he's doing well too & taking care of him, I am much more content!

[ClarenceRutherford]

So what have I done for the last month I have not sat on my a**e doing nothing first I read loads of books on relationships etc but soon came to the conclustion I did have issues love that word issues LOL

That's what I did back in 1988 before you had internet boards.

 

So got myself a counceller who I see once a week its not what I expected you go in thinking there's one problem and its an easy cure but life's not that simple is it .

I really know its going to help me sort myself out and its not going to take a couple of weeks but I'm in for the long haul.

If you can tell us, what is the counselor saying? Anything that could help the rest of us?

[Janeiac]

simplyme, if you feel better, then you did the right thing. You are taking care of yourself!

 

Floridaman, how are things? How far away did your wife go, and how is this time working out for you?

[Helpmetoheal]

Thank you Janieac... slowly but surely with my baby steps!

baRx, there is nothing wrong with you. Be strong, hang tight. You do not need to waste time on someone who makes you unhappy. Free yourself to be available for someone who will.

Moonchill: good job! Keep caring for yourself!

helpmetoheal, you said goodbye, that's great. Now you can begin moving forward. Take care of yourself!

[ClarenceRutherford]

Floridaman, how are things? How far away did your wife go, and how is this time working out for you?

She's in the Midwest, say near St. Louis, and I'm in SW Fla. She left in July.

 

We spent 3 weeks together over Christmas and a week at Tgiving.

She's flown here a couple of times in Nov.

 

After a very lonely and desperate weekend in Oct. (a week before a planned visit) when I thought our marriage was ending bec. of the lack of affection I've posted in another thread, I decided to try to improve our marriage. I mainly wanted her to let me ML with her again. It had been prob. a year.

 

In the process, I found we needed to restore our emotional intimacy, which we've been working on. We cuddle and kiss much more. And the sex has returned. So things are looking up.

 

I'm getting very lonely, but try to call her every day. Since Oct., I've been saying a lot of "I love you's" and am trying to be a new husband, one that wasn't as complacent as before (her description of our recent years).

 

Thanks for your interest, Jane.

[piruru]

I just realised that I never ended up writing a conclusion based on my previous posts, as part of the challenge. Oops. I will re-read my old posts and write one now.

 

Okay. So more than 30 days have passed. Am I over my ex? Not really, but I am well on my way. If I thought I was 50% on Day 1 of the challenge, well, I'm 95% now... which is realistically probably only 80%.Through NC, I have learnt to become stronger. NC won't bring my ex back, but it will make me feel better about it.

 

The 30 days I spent doing the challenge have had ups and downs, but overall, it was mostly good. I have recovered a lot more than I thought. I have realised that I am okay without the ex. I still want him in my life and still care about him, but my happiness isn't going to hinge on that anymore.

 

I've also realised that it is okay if he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. For the most part, I am done with it all. Done with the drama, the feeling crappy about myself and the lack of love in that relationship.

 

Have I gotten myself back? I would have to say yes. I don't feel incomplete in myself anymore. A bit sad, a bit empty and a little lonely but I am mostly myself again. I know who I am, what I want and how I want to proceed with my life.

 

I still miss the ex, but nowhere near as much as I used to. I don't feel the necessity to be in a relationship at this stage of my life.

 

Day 39 (?) of NC

 

I haven't been posting on here lately because of my illness but I'm still keeping NC. It's pretty natural to keep NC for me now, but I still miss the ex. Being ill hasn't helped because it has freed up my time to think more about the ex... which hasn't been good. In the past few days, my thoughts of the ex have fluctuated from "want him back desperately" to "I'm too good for him" to "don't care about him" to "I need to see him one last time to make sure I'm over him."

 

At this stage, I don't know how I feel since I've been holed up in my house for a week and I suspect it's been making me have strange thoughts. There's also the fact that I look like crap and this has affected my self esteem somewhat. It makes me unable to see the situation clearly and think positively.

 

I assume that once I start looking better, I will also start feeling better once again. Hopefully I won't have many scars and will be mostly healed by the end of next week. Maybe then I won't feel the need to be with the ex so much anymore.

 

I plan on paying a visit to my ex's workplace when I'm recovered because I need to buy something and also just to prove to myself that I am okay. At the moment, I fear seeing him because I fear that all the feelings of rejection will come flooding back. I just want to use that to make me stronger. I want to prove to myself that I can handle it. Don't know if it will work so we will have to wait and see. Also, I want to see this "other woman" that I was dumped for just to feel good about myself. Again, plans may change so I'll have to wait until I am recovered to see how I feel about it all. Until then.

[jonesyjakk]

Today is day 3 of nc.....when I think in 2 months we have not gone 2 days without speaking and now we are on day 3.....well that's just final isn't it....I am healing slowly but man it is slow. I am in a much better place but you can't help all the wondering......is she happy in her new place? I bet she's very happy and excited for the future, all the girls will be there making a fuss and there'll be a party to celebrate new home and so on......does she miss me? I wreckon she does, but in the smallest way poss, I bet she misses little things and then puts them to the back of her mind thinking new start.....does she think about me? I bet I pop into her head now and again....but again i bet it's just moments and nothing enough to make her think she's made a mistake and gonna come crawling back.......do I miss her? every single moment in time, do I think she wants to text me? do I think she wants to get in contact with me? Nah, I don't think so.....does she write out a message and delete it? nah, i would be soooooooo suprised if she had.....does she stil talk about me to her mates? i doubt it......maybe there'll be 30 seconds of something like, yeah I gave all his stuff back, so that's it, haven't heard from him and I'm having our son back on such a such date......then the cobnversation will change to brighter things.......do I stil talk about her? all the time.....on here to my friends to my familly all the time....but in a more positive note like I am here rather than crying and sobbing wishing her back.....now it's more of a realistic IT'S OVER. Do I have hope? Oh man, if there's 2 things I wish I could switch off and that's being in love with her still and having hope we will reconcile.........man those two things are what keep me talking about her........The feeling of being in love with someone you can't have....it's almost like I never met her and am in love with a girl I don't know....you know the girl in the coffee shop ur too afraid to ask out....that's me with my ex now....i'm in love with a girl who doesn't know i am alive anymore. And hope.....oh man again....I wish I could switch this off.....I have read so many stories where some people get back together and some don't.....the fact is me and my ex will always be in eachothers lives because of our son and I have to have hope for my family....however I am also being realistic.....I know that she wants freedom....she wants to experience other things....she wants a life away from the everyday grind of family life......bills, jobs, making tea, routines, same conversations, same same same......can't afford a holiday, can't do this that and the other.......I know that she was unhappy with family life and needed out....I understand this......BUT.....I have hope, I can't help it....maybe when she meets someone else the hope will fade....but for now.....all I got is hope......while I am moving on and doing things, reaquainting with lost friends, hitting the gym, going back to college and studying, working hard and mostly being a fab father.... have hope that one day she will see the difference in the man I was to the man I will become and maybe one day she will WANT TO LOVE ME AGAIN and WANT to get our family together again.....but until then I am getting on......life doesn't stop 'cos a girl breaks your heart and crumbles your world.....when hurricanes hit people rebuild, with earthquakes hit people rebuild, when fires sweep through, people rebuild, when hearts break, we put them back together.....we have had closure....to a degree but yet there is stil so much more I want to say to her....tell her I love her, i'm sorry we're not friends (but we are civil) I'm sorry we failed, I want you to know I will never lock the door you have closed in my face.....remember I will always want to work things out ALWAYS......and the fact you won't give us a 2nd chance hurts so much, the fact you have given up hurts me every moment in time....the fact you have broken up our home in search for your own happiness has destroyed me......but when floods happen waters reseed and people rebuild...It will take me a long time to come to terms with my family getting torn apart but I will GET THERE....and when I do look out because I will be so strong, so determined and so brutal in my search for happiness and so focused on never EVER letting you burn me in any way possible EVER.

 

But that is then.....and right now I am only on day 3 of nc and I will see her sunday to have my son back......putting on the brave face, acting all cool and calm..........crap that's hard.......knowing what to say, hi how are you? hows the new place? everything going well? brill, see you wednesday when I bring him back then, take care bye. Oh how I play it in my head but when it comes to it I fall apart.......I will keep it together......this is the start of showinf her she lost F£££££££G awesome bloke, a loving, caring, romantic, family man who is the best father he can possibly be and if that's not enough.......well man you were't worth my heart and before long my efforts on love will be focused on a special someone who does want to love me, and be with me through thick and thin, good and bad, rough sea's and high tides.......when I find her.....I hope that you will see what you have lost (even though i do want you to be happy) what you have chucked away....!

 

I remember some of the things you said to me over the last 6-7 weeks.......

 

It is over

I am unhappy

I can't do this anymore

I can't stay here just for our son

I only love you as our sons dad

I don't understand any of the things you read about

We have grown apart

I want to be friends

I hope we can be friends one day

You can go and do all the things you want to now

Our son will have two fantastic families

I have closed this chapter of my life

I am hurting to

I miss you to but the pain will go away

We are stil a great team as parents

I'm devasted we are here but there is no other way

You will be ok, you are a strong person

I thought you said you don't love me, we've had this conversation

It's ok to text you hate me, I have forgotten it

I will never stop you seeing your son

Do you think reading your poem things will change?

You need to stop writing letters you need to move on

I am 100% sure this is the right decision, i've already started moving on

I hate moving our son around too

I can't go out with you it's too soon

 

Most of that was in the first 4-5 weeks, yet I had texts every day

 

Hi, morning how are you?

Hope you're ok

Hope you feel better

Lots of good night texts nite nite and some with x's on the end even though she never does that

Texting me at random times when i have gone NC

 

"HI DADDY HOW ARE YOU, I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU" our son is 17months and can say 3 words

 

a week and a half ago i said i have had enough......from when i said i hate you on the sunday I stopped initiating conversation.......she text me all week asking how our son was, asking how i am....i kept it strictly to him and never answered how i was......then thursday it went to only about moving house.....and now we are 3 days nc..........

 

Man what a journey can't wait for day 4 nc..........to all of you struggling with heart ache.........i wish all the very best of happiness and keep striving for love, friendships and many many hugs and kisses.....

 

 

Jonesy

[peternaizeh]

Day 4, I missed him so much. I've looked at his profile in his old friendster. Since were not friends in any social network site, I wasn't able to view it completely. He haven't updated it for two years. But feel guilty. Still can't stopped myself on checking on him.

[iamanne]

Man what a journey can't wait for day 4 nc..........to all of you struggling with heart ache.........i wish all the very best of happiness and keep striving for love, friendships and many many hugs and kisses.....

 

 

Jonesy

 

smile and go get your mcflurry.. soon things will be a lot better Jonesy, with or without her, you will come out stronger after all these heartaches, after all the rejections..

[iamanne]

Day 10

 

I thought I won't be able to go this far and I thought moving on would be so hard but whenever I get to think about the things he's done when we're still together, it makes it a lot easier for me to move on.. I know I wasn't the perfect girl and I have always blamed myself for being 7000miles away from him but then again, whenever I see successful long distance relationships, I can't help but think, why ours didn't work when I've done my best - even flew twice to where he was just so we can spend time together... I remained faithful since day 1, never even thought of getting back at him after the many times he cheated on me.. I guess there are some people who just can't be contented with what they have and given that, I have decided since I started being on NC that I will never give him his 3rd chance. A second chance is more than enough yet he blew it.

 

I changed my status on FB to SINGLE. and I can't believe the 125+ comments I got there since I changed my status this morning.. "I'm happy for you!" "Finally, your crying days are over", "You're now back to being happy again", "We miss you girl!" "Congratulations!!! Finally!! You've done it!" and all those stuff that you will only see whenever someone changes their status from Single to IN A RELATIONSHIP... lol.. mine is exactly the opposite and all of them are rejoicing, I feel like I owe it all to my friends, I need to make up for the time that I lost because I focused too much on my relationship, trying to make it work and all and I forgot that they've been waiting for me to come back.. They were the ones who never said a thing coz they were after my happiness - they thought that staying with him will make me happy and they respected my decision. They waited for me for too long and I'm just so happy to be back!

[Helpmetoheal]

Day 3 - I dreamed about you last night, first time since the break up. We got back together, you said the things I have been longing to hear.... "I missed you and I made a mistake by letting you go'. Funny how I can dream like this when I was awake every hour on the hour last night. But alas, it was only a dream. Its gonna be a long trying day today, I can tell already.

[Moonchill]

Day 18 of NC

Finally saw a realistic movie about love and relationships.. It's called ' 500 days of Summer" And I recommend it highly

I miss him very very much. Finding it hard to keep myself busy with other things.. I'd rather stay on the couch and be lazy. But I know it's not good for me. I'm just not motivated to do anything at all... He on the other hand is very busy with his life and moves forward quit easy so it seems.. But who cares, it's not a contest.

[Needtomove]

It's been a little bit since my last post but ad you can see I have relapsed, well sort of. Long story short the ex was still texting me till sat, sat night she sent me a picture of her and our dogs home in bed, saying she was in for the night and for me to have fun picking up girls. Two min later my buddy I am with looks over and says hey, isn't that your ex. I said no way but I looked and there she is. She wasnt just lying about being out, buy she was dancing on the bar and getting body shots done on her. I walked up through my drink on her she chased me outside and didn't now what to say, she just looked scared. I left to another bar with friends and that was it. Well other then later that night she text me saying who am I with , where am I , she wanted to come over, blah blah blah. No word or contact since. She knew I caught her now. I don't know what to feel, what to say, only that it feels as if I caught her in bed with another guy. I'm so strung out .

[Janeiac]

needtomove, that must have been a horrible feeling, getting lied to straight up like that. Her asking where you are and stuff shows some regret, perhaps, on her part, but more importantly is shows you the type of person you do NOT want to be with. You can do so much better than someone who treats you ike that!

Hang on. NC is for you. Take care of yourself. Good luck!

[Janeiac]

Day 14

Had a nice night in with a guy friend who I have dated off-and-on casually in the past over a period of years. There never was going to be any relationship between him and me, but we have always enjoyed each other's company and have taken solace from lonliness together with a true spirit of caring.

Didn't think of X for one moment. Good riddance, I have my own life and my own happiness. It was great to have some intimacy for a change, and only shows in stark relief how much was missing with X. I'm free now to find someone who makes me happy.

[Helpmetoheal]

I am feeling exactly the same way Moonchill... how easily they seem to set their feelings aside. I know its not a contest either but its a hard pill to swallow! PM me if you wanna chat!

Day 18 of NC

Finally saw a realistic movie about love and relationships.. It's called ' 500 days of Summer" And I recommend it highly

I miss him very very much. Finding it hard to keep myself busy with other things.. I'd rather stay on the couch and be lazy. But I know it's not good for me. I'm just not motivated to do anything at all... He on the other hand is very busy with his life and moves forward quit easy so it seems.. But who cares, it's not a contest.

[Mrs Popsicle]

Hey everyone doing NC! I think I might be joining you.

In brief, things were not going well with me and ex, and we split but this week have been talking about getting back together.

 

Today we were supposed to spend some time together, the first since we split. He didn't show up and wont answer his phone. To say I am hurt and angry would be an understatement. I feel like an absolute idiot. If this was the first time he had pulled a stunt like this, I doubt I would be so livid, but he's known for it throughout our relatiionship.

 

We have split various times and always end up back together- I just don't think I can put myself through the hurt again. Every time he said he would make an effort he does this. I feel absolutely unloved and unwanted.

 

I guess I am lucky that I have lots to keep me busy right now, but I am hurting so much, it's going to be hard to not contact him and tell him exactly how I feel.

 

I probably know the answer to this but here goes anyways. I've decided that I can't take any more and won't be back with him, and want to go NC. I really REALLY want to text him and tell him that I'm done with this (since he won't take my calls) but whats stopping me is making more of an idiot of myself. Should I just go NC and cut him off,for my own sake?

[Janeiac]

Yes, Mrs P. Do it for yourself, so you can heal, and focus on enjoying your own life. Let him wonder. Don't contact him. Day 1 starts now.

Good luck

[Starrgrl]

Finally two months NC (attempt no.2)

 

Feeling good. I'm over it.

[Janeiac]

Floridaman, I love how you are taking on your own part. All we can control is ourselves, and that's what this thread is all about. If we keep working on ourselves, and our own issues, better relationships will happen in the future.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Floridaman, I love how you are taking on your own part. All we can control is ourselves, and that's what this thread is all about. If we keep working on ourselves, and our own issues, better relationships will happen in the future.

Thanks, Jane. That's a good support.

 

It does have its moments though.

 

Take the other night. I was IM'ing her through facebook.

 

I had been posting older photos of the two of us, pics of when we dated and from our honeymoon. I also post recent pics of us.

 

She said her friend saw the pics and thought something was wrong with our marriage. My wife said "you can't live in the past" - a comment that got to me.

I sensed something was going wrong, like maybe she's pulling away from our marriage.

 

So I immediately called her.

My fears weren't real and we continued talking and IM'ing. Kind of neat doing some love-talk on the phone and onlne simultaneously.

Here's a summary of what I said to her in the chat:

God, you looked and look now so beautiful (the pic from our honeymoon)... You see my face next to your's? I think I wanted to kiss you...

---No....you are just lonely

We can relive OUR pasts. We're still together.

They're good memories.

You are beautiful. Now. Not just then.

I am lonely but I miss you. And I still love you, no matter what.

No, really. I think I love you more than I ever had, or at least more than I did from 2004-2008

LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE you

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

---I love you more

I love you in all ways

---What WAYS /

All ways

Emotionally spiritually friendship romance physically... esp physically

I mean, holding hands, massaging, caressing.....

---HAHAHA

cuddling kissing deep kissing?

--- Nope. No sex

???

---Just kidding

Will always love you and will always be married to you

That may be a little sappy but wanted to show you what I've been saying to her...

 

She's supposed to fly here in late Feb

[piruru]

Day 40

 

I succumbed to temptation and went on his social networking sites to look at his photos. Looking at his photos, I just can't see what I saw in him anymore. He was not nearly half as attractive to me as I remembered him to be. Yet why does everybody who has met him says he's attractive? What the. It's messing with me. Why does he have a girlfriend so quickly too? He's not THAT amazing. Is his girlfriend that desperate that she would pick a guy like him? Bleh.

 

He's not as great as I remember. And looking at the photos, I can see all the things that I never found attractive in him once again.

 

I don't know how I feel. In my mind, I'm not over him. But looking at his photos? Wow... he's not really what I thought he was at all. I don't really miss the guy in the photos... I miss the guy in my mind. He's a fictional character that I created. He's not real.

 

Maybe I really am ready to face him and his girlfriend if I ever saw them on the street. My feelings would be somewhere between contempt, pride and indifference.

 

I don't know what I really want from him anymore. Hmm.

[Helpmetoheal]

Day 4 - I'd like to think that I am doing a good job with this NC thing. But, for reasons I know and will not divulge here, I am not. Why do I keep doing this? Do I love you or do I have an unhealthy attachment to you?? Probably a bit of both. I know I have abandonment issues, always have. Guess thats why it makes my fight a little bit harder. At least I can recognize it. I still find myself wondering where you are, what you're doing and who you are with. I look at the calendar on my wall as if 1 month of NC is the magical date that I can finally contact you!!! Whatever, it won't matter but hopefully by that time I won't feel like I do today.

[Janeiac]

Day 15

FInding lots of ways to amuse myself, and enjoying my time to myself. No urge to contact X; I don't think I'd even want him back.