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Everything posted by Helpmetoheal

  1. I can't help but thinking about this day last year, Mother's Day. You know its a bitter sweet day for me as I lost my mom a number of years ago. Your mom treated me like her daughter and I was very close to her. Great, I have lost my mom, lost you and your mother! This sucks! I have my kids and I am the best mom I know how to be, but sometimes I still feel like a motherless child. Everywhere I look in my life I see loss and pain and its really taking a toll on my heart. Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there!
  2. Its exactly 4 months since the break up. I wonder if you even realize it or care. Sadly, I still care. I am still in love you with you despite everything. It hurts, but not as much as it did in the beginning. You are gone, the person I fell so head over heels in love with is gone. I desperately want to move on. I want a life back! I know I can't have my old life back and it pains me. I was HAPPY, I had almost 2 great years with you "L". You always said that one day you could just disappear and walk away like nothing happened and you did. I didn't want to believe you, how could anyone do that???? I think you are more emotionally messed up than I am. I didn't want to see it or admit it. My fault I suppose. I know you wish I would just disappear also, and trust me there have been times where I wish I could. I have felt so unworthy and unlovable many many times over the last four months. Deep depression followed by days of anger and hate. These feelings get the better of me. Please stop the ride, I wanna get off!
  3. Its just gonna get more uncomfortable for you, hang on baby its gonna be a bumpy ride! You will never forget what you did to me and when you do, I'll be back to remind you! You piss me off!
  4. You have no idea how much I needed to hear kind words like that! Thank you!
  5. I marked off the date on my calendar. I can't freakin believe that I did this to myself! Breaking no contact was horrendous. You made me feel like a worthless human being all over again. Time has not softened your feelings toward me, if anything you hate me more now then you did when we broke up (if thats even possible). I don't know its probably all in my head but what am I supposed to think? Not like I can come straight out and ask you. I guess this uncertainty is my punishment for breaking the NC of almost 40 days. Great, I get to beat myself up for another few weeks or however long it takes for me to dig myself out of this pit I put myself in. All the while you can go on your merry way thinking about poor pathetic me still clinging to you. You're probably laughing and happy you're not with a loser any longer.
  6. I am feeling so down, depressed and ashamed about breaking such a great streak of NC. I had almost 40 days and was making strides to healing. Why do I continually torture myself? I thought time would have mellowed your feelings toward me. All that time has done was make you wish I never existed. You didn't say it exactly, but I can tell that you have no use for me, no feelings (not any loving/friendship feelings). I was totally diluting myself, I am such a fake. Trying to put on a brave face and a good act that I was moving on and forward. You don't give a crap either way. I bet you wish I would just disappear. Well, we still have one thing in common, I wish I would disappear as well. I am so trapped, you live a few doors down from me. I don't want to be a prisoner in my home I am so ashamed of myself, I don't want to anyone to see me. Nobody could hate me more than I hate myself right now. I deserve it. So bring it on, all the tears, self doubt and loathing. I have nothing left and I am quickly becoming nothing. The words of your last message still swirl around in my thoughts "Alright, I'll do this for you. Help you out and that will be the absolute end". Ironic?!!
  7. Back to Day 1 - I have realized I am my own worst enemy. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to replay the exchange of text messages. I have no one to blame but own self and I deserve to feel as crappy as I am feeling right now. Why is this so damned difficult to accept? I just wish I could disappear.
  8. I keep thinking about how much time has passed and it upsets me that I am still not over you! Almost 4 months ago you shattered my world. There have been days when I can barely put one foot in front of the other. My emotions are all over the place. Truth is, I still love you, I am still in love with you. I don't want to be, I want to move on like you have. If it was soneone else telling me about my story I would have all the answers. Why do I still want someone who clearly has no use for me? What kind of pathetic, desperate person am I? It makes me ill. You are so lucky to have people to stand by you through anything, I was one of them. Who is here for me? Nobody thats who. Everyone in my life is soooooooo sick of my sob story. Believe me, so am I. I am stuck and the more I try to climb out of this hole the further I fall. I wish I could hate you. I bet that would feed your ego but you won't hear it from me.
  9. Day 36 - I am doubting I will get any sort of "Happy Easter" message from you or your family today. I can't help thinking back to last year when the kids had us up at 6am to see if the Easter Bunny arrived. I was so tired and I had so much work to do to prepare for the big easter meal I was making for you and your parents. This year, I am still making the big meal, and the kids had me up at 5:45am. Can't help but wondering if you remember back to our happy holiday last year or you're trying to forget? Anyways 'L", have a blessed day.
  10. Hi Robin! I have been struggling with the same things here, even though my last couple of posts were pretty mean hearted. I have been plotting out the text message in my mind all night and this morning. What could a "Happy Easter" hurt on this blessed day? I think we both found our answer..... it will hurt us 9 times out of 10. I also wanted to email his mom and decided against it. She could have very well emailed an Easter wish to me and the kids but I guess she chose not to. Anyway, to all those thinking back to the last Easter or holiday spent with the EX, let go and let God!
  11. It really irritates me when I see you. You still wear the clothes I bought for you! I should have cut em up and bleached them while I had the chance. I friggin hate you, I hate what you did to my life! Your family is a mess and always will be. They are now blocked from contacting me.
  12. I HATE YOU!!! Thanks for ripping my world apart, never to be same again. Are you proud of yourself? Can't even find a reason to be happy anymore. I truly hope someone does the same thing to you someday. All I know is I won't be here to see it happen but I'll be thinking about it.
  13. Day 34 - not sure how I am going to get through this long weeked, but I'm going to do my best. I was physically ill yesterday and as bad as that was, sadly it was better than thinking about you! FML
  14. Day 33 and I wish you would reach out to me. When will this longing subside??? Don't you miss me even a little? We could have had a great life, we were best friends. I had your back through everything and you left me anyway. I hope you find what you need because it obviously wasn't me. Who knew it was so one-sided "L"? Ahhh right, YOU did! Thanks for nothing.
  15. Day 33 - I was sooooo close to breaking my NC last night! The only thing that kept me from it was the thought of being rejected all over again and being back to square 1. It saved me! I guess I am making progress even when I feel I am not. I have an issue that has come up affecting my children and if ever there was a time to rally all the support I can get its now. I have debated calling on his mother for help, she seems to have been ignoring me for the last month or so. This after her telling me after the break up that she would always be there for me and the kids. Probably just something she said to make me feel a lil better??!? I can't help but thinking that if I don't approach the ex and the mother for help with this and it turns out badly that I will blame them. I am so stuck!
  16. Day 31 - I feel like such a fake! One day I feel optimistic about things, the next I am curled up in a ball crying my eyes out over him. The question of WHY??? is always on my mind. I couldn't have done anymore for him, I did my best, gave everything I could. I would have stolen, cheated, lied and died to help him. After it all I am the one left alone and broken with nobody to help me! Please just give me a small sign to show me you appreciated our relationship, something to let me know you loved me back even 1% of how much I loved you. If nobody has ever died from a broken heart, I might just be the first.
  17. Day 29 - Thanks to my awesome friend Rose for talking me down after a strong urge to contact him. I love it, the message read "DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!". It worked.
  18. Day 28 NC - Still having good and bad days. Like I mentioned earlier, I have run into you on our street, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner or more frequently. I was really trying to avoid going out around the times I thought I would have the chance to see you. I started counselling, its a start. I have some homework to do before my next appointment. One thing I did take away from my first session was that I will not allow you to make me a prisoner in my own home. I have every right to walk about my neighbourhood whenever I want, as much as I want. I will not be "trying" to avoid your schedule any longer. Whats the worst that could happen? Its all up to me how I handle things. My fears have trapped me for too long. The sessions will teach me how to really own my thoughts and feelings and work through them. Its so easy to dwell on the negative thoughts and get caught up in them. Its going to be hard work, to retrain my thought process that has been my life. Oh well, here goes.
  19. Seeing you yesterday was bitter sweet. I still find you so attractive, but I need to remind myself that you are not the same person anymore. You don't love me. I still love the person you were and I miss him so much. Secretly I was hoping you would call or contact me but its not going to happen is it? I know I have to accept it, but I don't want to. I want my life back.
  20. It was bound to happen sometime despite my best efforts. You were walking home and I was driving by. I know you saw me and I definitely saw you. I have to be honest, you still are very attractive to me, still yummy. This doesn't help. I am still trying to figure out the look you had on your face. Was is hate? Curiosity? I kinda froze when I realized it was you, I didn't wave or acknowledge you in any way. It kinda hurt that you didn't wave or anything. But it is what it is. I wasn't prepared to see you, maybe you felt the same? Spent the rest of the night ruminating about contacting you, but I didn't. Baby steps still help. Earlier I saw your roomate, he waved at me. I was surprised, I thought I was on "Super-Ignore Her at All Costs" mode. I have to stop trying to read things into everything that happens. False hopes are not my friend. I know I am not over you but I am better than I was and for that I am grateful.
  21. I can't help but thinkning about contacting you. Just a simple hello how are things? What could it hurt right? I am fearful I know the answer to this. I could get hurt all over again and its not something I am willing to put myself through again. I need to accept that if there is going to be someone reaching out it has to be you. You were always so strong and stubborn even with all your issues you always had dignity, I admire that. I wish I could say the same for myself. I wish i could have walked away with some but I did things, awful things out of fear and hurt. I want to hear that you understand and forgive me for those things but its probably never going to come. How do I move past this? My support system is letting me down, they are just as tired as I am about hearing about you and I. My step sister basically told me to "change the broken record". That hurt. I am doing my best, nobody knows how badly I've been hurt by all of this but they feel they have the right to dictate my healing???? How unfair. If you don't wanna be part of the solution then you're part of the problem as far as I am concerned. I have good days and bad days, nobody wants to know about the bad days. Do they think I want them??? Hell no! Just another reminder that I will never let anyone in ever again. It hurts too much, maybe I should be alone.
  22. Weekends are tough, I am lonely. I wish you were too but I know better than that. You are living your new life without me and loving it! I wish I could do the same. New low point in life for me. Sucks.
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