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NC Day 1 I broke NC after he sent me flowers etc etc etc.. ang again, stupid as I've always been, I gave him another chance. I found out 3 weeks ago that he emailed the hooker he slept with when he was assigned to work in Singapore, telling her he's been thinking about her and even sent her a link to a youtube video of Can't Get Away. I was so furious I decided to go on NC. I was able to do it for 3 weeks. and again, he texted me, "I know I am to blame for the way things are and I am sorry. I miss the Anne I fell in love with and I miss you". Wow... and again, the stupid me reigned over but i didn't contact him and he was the one who called me first. I texted him last night telling him I've forgiven him but barely 30mins after, I decided to check on his yahoo (he gave me access to all his accounts, including at&t where i can view all the people he texts and calls just so i'd believe that he's not fooling around anymore) and saw a message on the conversation folder that says Hello there. I looked up the profile on FB and saw that it's a woman from the Phils but she's currently a domestic helper in Thailand. Yes I felt so insulted yet again, I live a decent life, I'm a software engineer and the girls he had were hookers, and now, a domestic helper. I have nothing against domestic helpers but I am totally furious. I decided to send him an sms and asked him to change all his passwords. Enough is enough, i have no reason to stay anymore because for 2 1/2 years, it has always been like that, it's an endless display of showing me that I am never enough, when I get mad and he knows I'm pulling away he will send me flowers etc, tell me how much he loves me. I'm tired of it and I just want to be able to move on and forget. I deleted and blocked him from my online profiles as well. I deleted his number from my phone. By the way, we are on a long distance relationship. I went to Singapore twice for him when he was stationed there but now he's back in Mississippi. He's divorced with 3 kids. I am a single mom and I have a 6yr old. I have been very nice to his kids, sending them gifts all the time, but there wasn't a single time he bothered to even remember my son's birthday. I dunno.. I am just feeling so empty right now. Sometimes I wish I am near him so at least I can defend myself, punch him if I have to but I feel so helpless coz I've got nothing to defend myself with. I only have words and nothing else. he keeps telling me he loves me but then again he won't stop cheating on me. How the h*ll can someone tell another that he loves her when he's doing that? his words don't match his actions.

as y'all know ex never apologized for what he did. i broke NC after he texted me last Saturday and i told him via sms that i am giving it until feb 14. If he sends me white roses, that means he changed his mind, otherwise i will move on. No reply. Feb 14, 11:30pm his time, nothing came. I decided to text him and reverse my negative feelings towards him. It's human nature that we want what we don't have. So I was thinking that maybe that's how he feels, he loves me, he told me so, but he wanted to keep me emotionally attached to him. After thinking for like 30mins, exactly 12mn his time (valentine's day is officially over), i sent him an sms: hey, i know i was kinda acting like crazy when i texted you this morning. I agree that we should split up and its probably the best thing that both of us can possibly do. Then I went on with my day as per usual. Not thinking that he'd bother to reply besides, he ignored my "threats" lol... 9 hrs after I sent that sms, (Feb 15 10:10pm my time and that's Feb 15 8:10am his time), he called. My phone just said WITHHELD, i thought it was my Dad calling coz it's like that whenever he calls me. and boom! it was ex. I kept my cool. We talked for two hours. I think he's getting really paranoid. He kept asking me if i'm alone in my room, went on YM and asked me to turn on my webcam and I said I don't wanna turn my cam on. Then he asked what ive been busy doing with and I said "nothing much aside from playing billiards i just hang out with my friends here (well i dont have friends here other than my housemates whom i only get to see at night and i dont really sit down and talk to them and i don't play billiards here coz i left my cuestick in back home - Manila). I never asked him anything just so i wont appear like i missed him so.. then at one point i asked him, "so what made you call me?" and he said "i miss you" and i just said "oh.. i see.. nice".. then he asked if i miss and i said "hold on pls im gonna go get something".. he can hear me typing coz i was talking to a friend back home while we were talking and he asked who was i talking to and i just asked in return "why do you have to know?"... for 2 hours, it was like that, i never gave him direct answer to his questions, i sounded happy but not enough to make him think that im excited to hear from him again because the last time he called me was January 18.. i made it a point to appear that im also busy chatting with friends when he called and think that kinda pissed him a bit that he kept asking me what im doing, if there's someone in my room (this crazy question that he always asks me when we were still together -- i call it paranoia at its highest.. lol!), what i will do today and everything. I never answered in full detail. then he said he'll call again, and i said to myself "man, that was past 12am feb 16 already, am i not allowed to get some sleep?" ... hmmm.. cool.. looks like he wanted me to wait for him to call again just like before huh.. so i said "cool, if i dont answer that means either i dont wanna be disturbed or im already sleeping" then he said ok it wont take me long.. i dunno if he called because i turned off my phone after we talked.. he didnt text me this morning and havent called me yet.. I'm trying my best not to text him so far, i'm winning.. seems like everything's working on him and it worked in an instant... i was begging yesterday morning asking for another chance, he snobbed my sms and when i texted him telling him im ok with it, he called.. to be honest, i feel good that i was able to divert it and make him really anxious. if tonight he calls again, i will tell him im in a hurry and im going out on a dinner date.. lol!

He paid off his $3000 phone bill and as expected he texted me: i do love you. i just got tired of feeling like I made ur life miserable I read into that as if he was telling me, yes he still loves me (because he used DO and instead of DID) BUT, the things is, it appeared to me as him telling me he got tired because I made him feel like i'm miserable because of him.. so it's my fault now that I'm hurting? crazy! I replied because I cannot let my anger sit in my heart the whole day: Did you read what you just sent me? I didn't text and ask you if you still love me. Yes, you are correct, life was miserable when I was w/ u coz u betrayed me, lied to me while at the same time acting like youre being a real good bf making me feel like i shouldn't be mean to you because you have changed, all that bullcrap until i found out about your setup with your exwife. You're a sore loser and a pathetic liar. Pls leave me alone and don't ever text me again.. I just hope he won't text me anymore. I have already changed my passwords and stopped snooping in his accounts as well. Goodluck to me..

this is exactly how i feel... whenever i go back to sulking and missing him, i recall everything that he has done... it helps... i know we can do this!

Before we broke up the first time, he already gave me full access to FB, emails, wtc because when he's on the rig and there are impt stuff that he needs to know, im the one who calls him, pay his bills for him etc... He changed his passwords when we first broke up. When we reconciled. he again gave me all his passwords, including credit card details, etc because i oftentimes books his flights for him aside from the usual bills payments, making sure he doesnt miss any important email from work (he is lazy when it comes to checking his email)... We broke up, i was expecting he'd change his fb password and everything but he didn't. He made sure I know everything because I have trust issues, ya know, he cheated on me countless times when we were first together, so even his at&t account, he made sure i know it, i get to see who he's calling who he's texting, etc... and its the same thing for me... he knows my mobile phone acct, all my passwords.. but not my bank account...it was as he puts it "his way of making me trust him again" but oh well i found out something that i wont see on emails. not on phone calls... i caught him when i called his son's mobile phone 2 weeks ago.. now this is where the problem started...

hi anthony, funny how you and ex have the same name lol... FB still has that feature up to now. it sends email if FB was accessed in another location, on another browser on another device. i had mine activated, but on his account, its off. it pays to be a programmer at times, he's not particularly aware of stuff like that, when i mentioned it to him, he doesnt care and he said its just me who knows it anyways. i didnt actually hacked into his account though i know his security questions because he told me about it, i literally have access to everything including his banks,credit cards etc coz i oftentimes pay his bills online for him, insurance stuff and all.. . but i never take a look into it though, he just said its his way to bring back my trust oh well, i didnt know there was something more to it than giving me access to AT&T so i can see who he's calling, who hes texting and all that...

i sent him an email on FB.... then i realized i shouldn't. its good that i have access to his fb, i deleted the fb mail and deleted the notification in his yahoo as well.. how i wish i can ask him why he's done things, why he betrayed me, that sms he sent me telling me he loves me and then giving me a reason why he's done things then telling me he never betrayed me only added insult to injury... the fact that he didnt let me know about his set up with his exwife is crazy, i wasnt aware that she lives in his property, all along i thought she's with her husband... i didnt know she stays in his house while he's away.. and he said its not betrayal... i wonder how he calls it. i got his payment details on his at&t account because he set it up using my email. he was able to pay the $2000 phone bill and still has a $1000 balance left to settle. thank heavens it still suspended. i hope it stays suspended. having him pay that much for the phone calls he made in just 1 month last dec is not even enough to make me feel better... man its just plain stupid to pay that much and spend that much just to call me.. he shouldve used that moolah to go here and live up to what he said.. but he chose to make those nonsense phone calls and let me believe that he's just taking me for a ride. a phone call is nothing to me, ive told him that a lot of times, but i dunno if he's just plain stupid or whatever. he's american, there are simple and very straight things i tell him that he doesnt understand, i always end up asking myself, i use english when we talk, how come he doesnt understand what i was trying to tell him? i remember when we reconciled and i answered a post on my FB : new found love with the same person.. it was very clear i said sme person and it freaked him out telling him im cheating because i met someone else... i was like, that was english i wrote on there, not japanese, not french,and you didnt get what i mean?! damn whenever i recall all these things, and remember how he talked to me when he was still deployed in singapore and busy cheating on me, i start to hate him.. it does help when i think about the things that he's done.. it makes me feel a lil better and thankful that its over but hell there is something in me that wanted to tell him that i deserve an apology for what he has done and he cant go on pretending and acting like he's so good in front of his friends i wish they knew that he can be horrible, that he's not the good dad that they think he is. that he is a monster, that he badmouthed his brother just because he's so insecure, etc etc etc.. whenever i come accross his profile i feel sorry for his friends there... he claims to be a very religious man talking about stuff, but he loves porn, he caught him taking pictures of kids' butts, kids who are the same age as his daughter 8-10yr old kids...i wish those kids' parents knew that someone's snapping pictures of their kids' butt while playing with his kids at the waterpark... those walmart pictures he took of nothing but butts of women .. crazy, crazy, crazy.. those were the reason why i hated him and when he came back, he promised he wont do it again, no porns, no taking pictures, nothing. but how can i be so sure now that we're literally 7000 miles away? i wanted to see him, he promised he will go here, formally propose, he had plans, but all those things were just bullcrap. and he even blamed me why he cant come over - because i fought with him.. he didnt even take time to ask himself why were fighting - it was because he cant come over... oh my god. guys tell me, do i deserve all these BS? agh.. i need someone to slap me real hard so id stop hurting. i guess the reason why i am hurting is part of me wanted him to say sorry, at least say sorry and just dont pretend as if nothing happened. one time he texted me "kiss my ass" when i didnt answer my phone, the other day he texted as if nothing happened, telling me he loves me, telling me he misses me. if i wasnt hurt id probably smile but now just reading his sms makes me feel like crap it brings back all the lies, the cheating, the betrayal. still on NC. all i want now is to be able to forget and i am so looking forward to that time when id read an sms and i wont feel pain anymore... i checked the usps website and the dvd that i sent wasnt delivered yet because hes not at home. i wish hed get that cd, the pictures, and all.. i send everything to him and left nothing in my portable hd, nothing on my laptop. i want my closure but i know not all of us get that closure that we need. my chest feels so heavy up to now, heavy yet hollow. i feel so empty inside...

Back to Day 1 I am back to DAY 1 not because i talked to the ex again. I am back to Day 1 coz eventhough I am still on NC, the feelings I had on the first day I went NC is back. I made sure Im surrounded by happy people at work.. But while we were having our company CHinese New Year lunch, my friend who just came back from Singapore transferred to our table and asked me if Im doing fine. I tried to avoid him when I saw him this morning because I knew he would ask. I never replied to his emails and SMS during the Chinese New Year holidays. I tried hard not to cry and just told him that I will talk to him after work and he said ok.... It was good that after lunch, we had a meeting and we didnt have the chance to talk anymore.... It's sad that I am not with my girl friends back home, if only they were here it would have been a lot easier for me to move on... I miss home, I miss my son, I miss my friends... At work. I am the only girl in our team, the only Filipina, all of them are Chinese, though they are very nice, I still feel alienated at times... I was thinking of spending my weekend in Singapore, go to Universal Studios, try the Megazip again ... but I know going there will only make things worse for me because that is where we planned to meet, that is where he said he will formally propose, that is where we first met... I decided to stay at work a lil longer, skipped dinner and went home.. soon as I got here in my room, I sat down on my bed and cried real hard while my son & my mom were not online yet.. I've been wanting to cry the whole day but just couldn't... I am again feeling so lonely, i started feeling different last Tuesday because I know he's coming home and he will have internet, he'd have his phone up again and might call me anytime. The idea scares me.. I am so scared of him. I am scared of being hurt. I wish he won't call me anymore. I wish he won't communicate but sometimes I think if he doesn't, I wonder how will it make me feel? is it gonna hurt me even more thinking that the guy I loved the most is busy with someone else? I dunno... The only site I have on right now is FB and ENA. I asked my officemates to email me if they need anything coz I won't go online on MSN and YM, not even on Skype (geeks I know, we don't talk at work, we talk online)... I ended up receiving more than 300 emails in just one day... they asked me why I dont wanna go online and I said I just need to finish my programs coz im already 2 days behind my sched. I cannot focus.... I feel empty, I am so confused. I am so lonely, I want to disappear. I feel like s**t right now but I'm not giving up. I know I can do this.. I believe that I do but I cannot deny the fact that I'm so broken right now..

thanks janeiac, i have talked to friends a while ago but there was one who was busy for 2 days in a row that i wasnt able to talk to and i guess i got used to being able to run to him for advice he knows how to hit my head real hard and make me realize things, i am the eldest in our fam and i look up to him as my older bro.. glad i am talking to him now, i didn't know he was going through something again with his wife who is also my good friend, they both hate my ex... lol.. they are my emotional support system and now i'm feeling a lot better, eyes open and smiling... i haven't tried knitting but i did cross stitching before and i had all of em in our living room back home... just couldn't find any DMC shop here in KL where i can buy patterns and threads maybe im gonna try to go back to digital scrapbooking.. you know a website that has online tutorial for knitting? Now, I'm just looking forward to a nice Chinese New Year lunch with my officemates and a whole lot of programming... keeping real busy, i hope though the ex wont call home or talk to my mom, my mom doesnt know that weve broken up and she might give him my number.. keeping my fingers crossed..

Ive been waking up in the middle of the night for 3 days in a row now, crying. I dunno if this is because i am aware that today is when ex is coming home. I got an sms from him and all i felt was pure anguish. He texted as if he didnt dump me, acted as if nothing happened, as if he didnt text me last time telling me to kiss his a*s... I wanted to call him and cuss him out coz i have never done this when we were still together thinking that if i do cuss him out, it will make him realize that i want him out of my life but I decided that it will just be a waste of time. I know this isnt good but how i wish he'd stay out of my life completely. A co worker texted me last night telling me that my ofc phone had been ringing, someone has been calling me, he answered it 4x and after he said hello, the caller just hangs up. i know its him.. i dont wanna think that im back to where i was when i first posted a reply here but his presence is making me feel so crappy and stressed out and now i could not even sleep. i am hurting again like everything's just so fresh when i have been very ok for two weeks and very happy coz i know he wont find a way to call me or communicate with me while he's on the rig. I wanted to scream, i want to talk, i want to vent. this is killing me i want to feel numb.. if only i can stay at work 24/7 and just sit there work on my programs, it would be a lot better than being here sitting. lonely and wanting to break down again. his mere presence is making me sick, it ruined my day and i could not even sleep! Unhappy days ahead, 2 weeks full of sh*t but im sticking to NC, NC, NC.

I LOST COUNT but I am so much better compared to the first time I posted a reply on this thread. I have moved on and was able to get rid of the hate that I carried with me during the time I was so confused and hurting. I realized that as long as I have hate in my heart, the harder it is to forget. The more I talk about my feelings, how he failed me, how he betrayed me, the more I remember it, the more I feel bad and I am literally dragging myself down the drain. I don't hate him anymore but it doesn't mean I would welcome any form of communication. Tomorrow he's going back to Mississippi. I dunno if he would email me as I have already changed my number but I honestly wish he won't not because I am afraid it might bring back the old feeling I have for him but because I might say something that will crush his heart the way he did mine. Getting back at him by hurting him back and making him feel that he's a loser isn't my cup of tea and I don't wanna give him any reason to further justify what he did. Fate only gives us one chance to make things right...

he had the face to send me that SMS after what he did.. haha.. that SMS made me realize so many things I wish it came a lil earlier but no regrets though.. I'm glad he did that.. Got myself a new sim today

Day 11 He called me 4 times around 3 or 4am. It woke me up but i rejected it. After 4 attempts, I received an sms: "so i guess you're busy. if you don't wanna talk, fine! kiss my ass!" .. I didn't reply and went back to sleep... I know now what I really want, why I went on NC.. I am doing this not to win him back anymore - I am doing this for myself and after that sms, I know I made the right choice...

Day 10 I thought I won't be able to go this far and I thought moving on would be so hard but whenever I get to think about the things he's done when we're still together, it makes it a lot easier for me to move on.. I know I wasn't the perfect girl and I have always blamed myself for being 7000miles away from him but then again, whenever I see successful long distance relationships, I can't help but think, why ours didn't work when I've done my best - even flew twice to where he was just so we can spend time together... I remained faithful since day 1, never even thought of getting back at him after the many times he cheated on me.. I guess there are some people who just can't be contented with what they have and given that, I have decided since I started being on NC that I will never give him his 3rd chance. A second chance is more than enough yet he blew it. I changed my status on FB to SINGLE. and I can't believe the 125+ comments I got there since I changed my status this morning.. "I'm happy for you!" "Finally, your crying days are over", "You're now back to being happy again", "We miss you girl!" "Congratulations!!! Finally!! You've done it!" and all those stuff that you will only see whenever someone changes their status from Single to IN A RELATIONSHIP... lol.. mine is exactly the opposite and all of them are rejoicing, I feel like I owe it all to my friends, I need to make up for the time that I lost because I focused too much on my relationship, trying to make it work and all and I forgot that they've been waiting for me to come back.. They were the ones who never said a thing coz they were after my happiness - they thought that staying with him will make me happy and they respected my decision. They waited for me for too long and I'm just so happy to be back!

smile and go get your mcflurry.. soon things will be a lot better Jonesy, with or without her, you will come out stronger after all these heartaches, after all the rejections..

DAY 9 It's 4am on this side of the earth and I couldn't sleep. I did for an hour I guess but I woke up having this weird lonely feeling again... I hope it's just me wanting to go back home and not something else... Back to counting sheeps and I hope the sheeps won't sleep on me.. I just hope I'm not getting sick...

you know the best part of this moving on thing is that when we look back and find them staring in front of us and we're laughing coz we moved on and they were obviously left behind.. stay strong sistah!.. I'm on day 9 on NC and 3rd day that I didn't check on his email account and i feel a lot better...

Good you didn't answer his call and didn't text him back.. let him do the chase and enjoy the feeling of being chased... way to go, Janeiac!

have birthday janeiac! enjoy your day

You're welcome Janeiac..you are right it's very tough but we will get over it in time...

Hang on girl, I still have episodes like that as well.. I still cry and what I usually do is ask myself "Do I want to be in this same situation again if ever I try to contact him again and make him feel that I'm just here waiting?" I usually answer with a NO. Forgetting and trying to be incommunicado is hard but this is the only way we can let them know what we can go on with our lives without them. Just think about this, being in contact with them again is like giving them another chance to hurt us once more. I know they always say, give him another chance, etc... I'm sure you've given him lots of chances too, so am I... but still, thay failed us, they hurt us.. so there's no point in giving another chance... if you wish to talk things out, just email me.

Day 5 NC Exbf is in the rig, he texted me before he left for work telling me he does love me and he never betrayed or cheated on me. I didn't reply coz it's obviously a crazy sms coming from a pathetic liar.. Though I still check his emails from time to time, I am happy that I can now keep myself from emailing him. AT&T suspended his account because of his huge phone bill for the last 2 months, he left for work and have not paid for it yet, thankful for AT&T at least he wont have any other way to contact me coz the wifi in the rig has been disconnected as well. I guess that will make him think of what he has done. Either way, my days are a lot better when I don't hear from him. I just want to put an end to that vicious cycle of betrayal. I miss him but it makes no sense being with him knowing that he's been keeping so many secrets from me and the lamest alibi "I know you'll get mad if you find out" is something I cannot accept because I am almost always brutally honest with him coz I know it's better to hurt people with the truth than hurt them even more with lies... After what he did, I realized, he's a hopeless case and we'll never be okay as long as we're apart. I will never ever trust him again as long as I don't see him everyday and I cannot live my life being away and snooping and doubting every single day, it's stressful and for sure it's gonna kill me in no time..

Day 2 I'd like to think I failed day 1 because before I went to sleep last night, I ended up texting him and telling him i miss him and telling him that i think our relationship deserves a second chance (I don't even know if breaking up with me by changing his status on FB to single even count as a real breakup coz he never talked to me since I found out about his ex wife leaving in his property). Damn I hate it. i went to bed not expecting any reply from him. I usually am the one who checks his emails for him then lets him know about it coz its very seldom that he checks his email. This time, I tried so hard not to inform him that he's got email from his boss. Don't care anymore if he misses the boat going to the rig because his flight to Texas doesnt match the time when he's supposed to be at the dock in Galveston. I am having a very difficult time trying to avoid checking his emails, I wish I can stop checking it one day and for sure things are gonna be a lot easier. His kids are with him right now, maybe that's one of the reasons why he doesn't mind not talking to me and all but being in the rig for two weeks straight will somehow make him realize things. I am giving myself two weeks. If he doesn't call then I will declare myself single and available as well and live my life as if he never existed. I know I can do it. I've done it the first time he broke up with me (via FB status, damn!), when i saw his status as single after we had a fight, i never thought of ever contacting him again. I dunno if it will work this time but I hope it will.

First day of NC. please take time to read my story here I will appreciate all your replies.