THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[VeevaContact]

Hello Cope and thank you for your answer.

Just venting here.

Well, to answer your question, yes I am willing to fight for her and she has been made aware of that before. She even rejected my marriage proposal last summer. When she decided to move on with someone else I stepped back and peacefully let her be with someone else. She struggled to resonate my feelings for some time and I wanted to give her the change she needed. Still she came back.

 

I can relate to the hard NC intervals. I've had a three-time-rebound with another girlfriend before. Managed to get over her and had years of NC. She still admires me and is still respectfully in love with me, she admits. The thing with my current situations is, this isn't just an ex. This is the love of my life.

 

One little advice to all those who consider NC hard to go through. NC is not easy, but it is the way to let your views, intentions and priorities crystallize first and foremost in front of your eyes. Then you will realize who you want and the reason you want them for. Get to know yourself better! You'll be surprised how much you've changed during the time with your loved one.

[Swedese9]

Day 40 or something. Today I feel pretty good, made some money in the stockmarket and things are going great at work.

 

I'm still thinking about my ex though, why she doesn't call me or anything. Have done no contact for two months now but not a sound. I don't have an urge to call her but I just miss talking to her and it feels like she's completely forgotten about me.

 

This waiting game is soooo hard and I'm fine with myself and the changes I've done during NC. But I still feel exactly the same for her.

 

Don't know what to think or do.

[Enn]

Don't know what to think or do.

 

What you're doing! It sounds like you're doing really well to me.

[Swedese9]

What you're doing! It sounds like you're doing really well to me.

 

I am! 😊 But despite that everything is going well for me I still want to talk to her,and i still love her. I'm fine that's it's over and all that, but there is something missing..

[Enn]

I am!  But despite that everything is going well for me I still want to talk to her,and i still love her. I'm fine that's it's over and all that, but there is something missing..

 

I know...and it's a rubbish feeling isn't it? But whenever I feel like that I move quickly to the thought that this is ALL I could do - I had no choice and now I'm doing everything right. (And I haven't even won anything on the stock market! ;-) )

[Cope]

Today i got out of the house an out in the sun! Felt SOOOO good!! It was refreshing! Gonna move a bit sooner than i was planning on so that's good news too!

 

Day #13 I still want to contact him, but right now the urge is not that strong. Today i had a feeling he would contact me, but that was ujst wishful thinking.

 

I am feeling better, better than this morning.I miss him. The only thing is that for some reason i think i am going to miss him for a long time, without the sadness. For some reason i think this is not over, but i am sure this is part of the process too.

[VeevaContact]

Day #5,

I'll quote Ice Cube: today was a good day. I finally earned something I put many, many sleepless hours on. I am a certified System Admin! Yes!

On the way back home it rained, but I didn't care at all, I even caught myself smiling for no reason. Had my earbuds on and listened to Odezsa. I feel satisfied with myself.

I don't even care if she writes or calls. Not today. Yes it is very underwhelming coming back to an empty home, but, hey what can I do?!

I feel that there's maybe someone else waiting to meet me. I feel optimistic.

[gypsybird87]

Glad I found this thread. I need the support. I've been updating on my main thread but will post my NC struggles here from now on. So...

 

 

Day 8,362 of no contact. Wait... no. It's day EIGHT. NC must get easier because there is no way I can last 60 days (or more) if it stays like this. I'm not crying every moment but I still can think of nothing but him. Eating and sleeping are still a mess. Worst of all is that I am self-employed. There is no time clock to punch, no boss standing over me. I have to self discipline on both my schedule and my productivity. Yesterday I got nothing done. I promised myself today would be better. So far? Nothing done. I can't stay on task. I think, hurt, and read/post here. That's it.

 

Besides work, there are some other things I know I need to do.

 

1. Block him on Pinterest. For whatever reason this did not de-link even when I unfollowed him there and then unfriended him on FB. So Pinterest still alerts me every time he pins something. He is also still following me on there. Once I block him all that will go away. And I can't bring myself to do it, because it's our last remaining active connection. Which is precisely WHY I need to do it... I know that.

 

2. Delete his contact info from my phone. Though I have his number memorized so it will still be in my brain.

 

3. Delete our text thread. After the initial breakup, I deleted our texting. I had everything going back to the day we met, Nov 1st 2014. Thousands of texts. Hundreds of photos. I deleted the whole thing immediately. Now, what I have is the sporadic texting we did between breakup day and last Tuesday, when I initiated NC. I need to delete. I know. But for some reason this is harder than deleting the entire prior history was. I have no idea why. Last bit of hope? Denial?

 

4. Photos. I've deleted some. I need to delete more. Select one or two and ditch the rest. But I can't seem to do it.

 

Maybe it's too soon for some of these things, and it will come as I heal more. Or maybe I won't heal more, until I do these things. I just don't know. All I know is I hurt, and I miss him, and I don't want this to be my reality. I want to wake up.

[jex24]

4 months and a few days NC. I miss him every day.

 

BUT I'm better off without him

[Cope]

Wow gypsybird, we have another thing in common too, i too am self employed, well not exactly, i work from home but i can work whenever i want. I gave myself a couple of days off in the beginning and i literally did nothing but sit, cry, watch series and eat ice cream. NOTHING else. Sat in the dark (and it's super sunny over here) and went to bed so early etc etc.. It helped! Then i forced myself to work, of course it's the nature of my job that once i start i am obliged to continue. If it wasn't that way i don't know if i would be able to work either. I thought, at least i will have more money at the end of this horrible month...It also helped me keep my mind off it a bit. Well, he was still on my mind but it helps. I told myself "now you are working, you can cry about him once you are done, you can cry all you want! " So i did.

 

So today for me is day #15 of NC. It is getting better, but the better i feel about myself, the more i miss him. Usually when i start to feel good after break ups, i don't even care about the guy pretty fast. This time, i think it's different. I keep repeating this, but i genuinely miss him. I really value him. I still have thoughts of getting back together, but i know it can not happen now. Maybe months from now, but not now.

 

The other day i logged on Skype ( i was avoiding it) and saw him offline. He was never offline. Last 3 days he is always offline, for me this means something and this is the reason why we avoid social networks etc in the first place, cause we start assuming. I assumed that he is bothered that i haven't contacted him yet. That he misses me too. That he maybe wants to talk to me too but is respecting my decision of NC till i feel better (he is respectful like that). I feel like if i don't contact him now, we will be lost forever. Then i come to my senses and think "Whatever will be , will be". If he disappears and doesn't want to talk to me when i am healed, it's ok. I asked him to respect my process and he is. I do think our break up is bothering him too, i don't think that he wants to get back together though, but that's another assumption too.

 

So right now i am struggling with the fear of loosing him forever because of a simple "offline" on Skype. I won't delete him, cause it's not that bad, if i felt that bad, trust me, i would've deleted him since day one without even telling him.

 

I miss him. I really want to contact him, but i am not ready.

 

I also prefer writing here than starting a journal or a thread.

[missy25]

Day 6

 

I've been up and down. Sometimes, I don't want to think about it anymore, but sometimes I get this nervous feeling that I want to get in touch with him at that very moment. Still feeling confused whether I should get in touch with him, if he doesn't get in touch with me in a couple of weeks. I was sincerely honest when I said that I wanted to work things out with him. I know that I needed to change, and I am currently working on it. Due to our conversation last Thursday, we have decided to work it out after giving him space for 2 weeks. I am honestly very scared, because he might change his mind or say that he is still not ready. Therefore, I am thinking about not telling him about the NC. Should he decide to not contact me within our timeframe when we're suppose to work things out, I am thinking about just letting it be and go NC to avoid the possible pain that he might put me through. But won't that mean that I am inconsistent? I sincerely want to work it out, and then I will just disappear completely? How does this work? I'm so confused on what to do...

[gypsybird87]

Day 9 draws to a quiet close. I missed him a lot today, but the good news I suppose is that I did the Pinterest block. It was a bit of a relief to see all his pin alerts drop off my news feed, and to know that when I pin something he'll no longer be alerted either. It's not like a Facebook block. I can still visit his page, and if he wishes he can see mine. But the in-my-face alerts with his name are gone. It's bittersweet...that was our last active connection and now it is gone.

 

Cope, I too work from home. I have a gal who works for me s few hours a week, but mostly it's just me and my little dog. It's peaceful, but lonely. Especially at times like this.

 

I miss him so much. Just talking to him, sharing things about my day, and hearing about his. I know that he misses me too. I'm sure there's a part of him that is regretting his decision, and maybe even questioning it. But I'm also sure he won't reverse it. And that hurts, but there's nothing I can do about it.

 

Time as well as excellent advice on my main thread are helping me do some honest reflection back over this relationship. In hindsight I think I knew it was doomed to fail at some point. I just wanted so badly to be wrong about that.

 

As I start to feel calmer about all this, the urge to break NC gets stronger. But I know that would be a mistake. So I'm holding strong. I suspect the appropriate time to break contact is when you don't feel like breaking contact anymore. When it's a non-concern one way or the other. Right now I can't imagine getting to that point. But I feel differently now than I did a week ago, so who knows.

 

A guy friend who was also dumped told me he wouldn't break NC because "I have to be stronger than her ignorance." Well put.

 

Goodnight, day nine. I did my best today. Maybe you'll even let me sleep tonight.

[Labhrais85]

Day 50, altho the breakup was November. I wonder if its some psychological milestone; day ~25 and the surrounding were just pure hell, and Im at another low point again today that has been building for days, and unfortunately (from experience) when this low point 'peaks' its going to be very very hard. I miss her so much these days. Regardless of what I say, I really miss her, and Id gladly get back in contact if it wasn't for the fact I know Ill get a bad reply. In our last exchange she exploded on me and then blocked me on watsapp before I could reply.

 

Ive come to accept that, stupidly, I still envision my future with her. This person who was so nasty, rude and cold towards me, Id gladly accept her back right now. Ive been on a few dates with a new lady and we slept together last Saturday, and I think its causing me this head-fu*k. But I do like the new girl, and I believe Ill have to deal with these emotions eventually, so I want to continue with her

 

Unfortuantely all that is going through my head here in work is to send her a message, I keep telling myself "just one last message, get everything off your chest and have your closure, it cant make things worse, so whats to lose etc etc etc.". I snooped on her Facebook page today too because I just couldn't resist. It didn't affect me one way or the other tho. What really bothers me is knowing someone I was so close to and planned a future with is now totally indifferent towards me and wants absolutely nothing to do with me....

 

Oh well, tomorrow will be day 51, things will get better!

[VeevaContact]

Exactly 1 week since I decided to go NC.

 

I feel like being awesome at work but I feel very, very tired as well. My colleagues have been a steady friend and help me a lot in not thinking about HER too much. Yes I think about her like twice an hour but just spontaneous thoughts that don't make any sense and I am honestly really irritated by every little thought about her.

 

Deleted my facebook profile days ago since I don't care about that at all. However I've updated my LinkedIn profile with my new position yesterday. Today I saw she liked my promotion and then withdrew her like. What the hell do you call this?

[gypsybird87]

Well, today sucked. I tried a stronger sleep aid last night and actually got some rest, but I haven't eaten much today and I got zero work done. Again. I seriously need to get my sh*t together or I'm going to be broke and homeless as well as single.

 

Much of the day was spent looking at his Facebook page and agonizing over the need to block him there. Not to prevent him from looking (which I doubt he does), but to prevent me. His happy, smiling, handsome photos... The silly profile pic I took of him, on a fun outing eight months ago... Bleh. I literally made myself sick looking at his page. Ice cold, clammy hands, couldn't breathe, tight sick feeling in the stomach.

 

On another forum I'm on we call this pain shopping. And I don't know why people, including me, do it. I guess it's that need for some tiny little remaining connection. Some brief peek into their life, though in this case I saw nothing new. But what if I had? What if his profile pic was no longer the one I took, but another happy photo clearly taken by someone else? Oh how my mind would have spun then.

 

Finally I remembered advice that I have given others who were pain shopping in this manner: Every time you do it, you are breaking NC. The fact that it's stealthy and one sided and the ex has no idea you're doing it, is totally irrelevant. It is STILL broken NC. And NC = no new hurts.

 

So. I blocked him. It had a ridiculous but very real feeling of finality to it. And I cried, for the first time in three days. Over something so small. Stupid, right? But I think it wasn't just the act of blocking on Facebook, it was taking another step back. It was adding another layer to the wall between us. The wall he started that I now have to finish, because he's not strong enough to do it himself, and wants to stay "friends".

 

To anyone here who is pain shopping like I was, try to see it for what it is: breaking NC. Stop. Just take a deep breath, and stop. If you need support, ask for it. I posted here asking for a virtual shove to help me do it, and got lots of support. We are all here for each other.

 

Goodnight, day ten.

[Cope]

Day #17 of no contact.

Again it's like the first day. They are right when they say it comes in waves. He's the first thing that comes in mind in the morning and i struggle not to think of him for the simplest reason that i need more sleep! I always fail. One thought leads to another and i find myself crying again. This morning it was worse. Part of me wants to move on and the other part is afraid to let go.

 

We weren't the best couple(yet) but i am 100% sure that it was due to both of us holding back. Both of us were afraid of the distance. It doesn't matter now. He has most of the traits i look for in a man. I didn't have the time to figure out his bad side. I think i am mourning for that chance. Now i know that i was expecting this break up from the beginning. I was anxious that we would never be close distance through all these feelings we both had and we never were. That destroys a relationship. Just those wonderful days we had somewhere in the middle of it all. At the end of those days we were so close. For a month later we were so close..then we started drifting apart...that's what distance does. We're not teenagers. We need someone near. I am not saying that older people can't do LDR, there are many successful ones out there, but let's face it, it's hard and painful and no point to it if you can't make plans to end up together. We are both in a situation that we can't be making these kind of decisions, neither can ask the other to move to another country.

 

I really hope i will see him again. I really hope that when we start talking (cause i will go back in contact at some point and i am sure he will answer), i hope we get to know each other even better cause i won't be holding back. I am not planning on pursuing him again, i mean not holding back as in what to say and what not to. My fears, my future plans etc. I held back some stuff cause i thought it would scare him away. Maybe it would've, i don't know, i just know that i would rather tell him then have these regrets now. I never told him i was willing to move. I only told him that in the end. I never told him how i really felt about him. I almost did, i regret that now.

 

I really want to contact him in the future, i don't want him to be "the one that got a way", i want to get to know him even better and i am sure that either i will be glad it didn't go any further cause he truly wasn't right for me, or we we will end up together.

 

I was about to say it is harder when you don't break up cause of a fight or because the other person was an A, then i remembered how it was when an A broke up with me. In that case the struggle was with myself and accepting the fact that i stayed so long with an A. Now, there is no one to blame but timing and circumstances. I am seeing this as a great opportunity for self growth. Going through a "loving" break up can teach me a lot and i am going to take everything!

 

 

I don't know how this turned out so long and if it even belongs in this section anymore, but i guess it does, cause this is what i am thinking on day #17.

 

@gypsybird you did good on blocking him. It's temporary, once you feel better you may (or may not) unblock him. Crying over it? Normal as hell. I saw him offline Skype and i cried. He got online again and guess what? I cried! So , normal as hell, we still have feelings for them, it hurts to see that ...hmm how to put this.. well, life goes on and their lives goes on without us too. We know our lives right now are sad due to their absence and when we see small stuff like statuses or green lights (online), because we have no contact with them, we give it any meaning we want to. We may assume that they are having the time of their life without us and that hurts. So you did a good job! The only reason i am not blocking him is that we are not FB friends. I avoided it. Stupid huh? Not now, i mean stupid when we were together..oh well. Also, for some reason i find it easy not to check, don't ask how, i am amazed with it too!

 

Stay strong and yes this forum is the best place!! and i visit a lot of forums!

[Cope]

Day #18 and I am trying not to cry. Why are mornings so hard? I feel this burden on my chest, my body wants to cry but I don't want to let it. I'm sure I'm gonna fail before I post this.

 

Yup. I failed.

 

I often wonder if he misses me as much. Then I remember how I felt when I broke up with someone, I never missed them but most ended on a bad note, they went full circle. Also I broke up with him technically. He also said he still had feelings. Si I wonder if he misses me. I'm not suppose to assume he does.

[missy25]

Day 8

 

I'm feeling sadness and hatred right now. I'm so sad to let this relationship go because of how important this is to me. I'm sad because after everything that he and I have been through, prior to this break, we always stuck by each other. I'm angry because out of all the hardships that we have struggled with for the past 2 1/2 years, his issues seemed so little and with communication, can actually be straightened out. I am angry because even if I was upset with him, and always said that I will break up with him, it was always just talk. At the end of the day, all the issues were hashed out and forgotten. Why is it that when I'm the one who wants to compromise he can't hear me out? Instead he shuts me out, and now I'm forced to pick up the broken pieces... I am hurt because he turned his back on us, and I wish it didn't have to be like this. I know I made my mistakes too, but I wish that he had given us another chance. After all, if 2 people really love each other they will try to make it work no matter what...

[VeevaContact]

Day 10

Had a nice walk with a good friend, then we drove to the lake and had drinks in the sunlight. Venting like this does one really good.

But, yes, I have been thinking about her. Had to pass twice by the home we used to share before we split. Passed at 50 km/h without even looking towards the building because I didn't want to feel the pain of remembering how she used to blow me kisses and smile down at me from her window. I loved and still love that woman at such amplitude that my fingertips hurt as I'm typing this. I feel like going for it right now and just parking my car beneath that same window and just wait for however long it takes for her to come down.

But I won't. Not a great idea to let myself be hurt again.

It's really, really hard bearing this pain. I wish there was a pill that makes you forget things and people.

[Cope]

Day #19

 

Started again with the thought of him, i even dreamed of him and yes i also cried again. I really didn't want myself to cry. It is starting to bug me. Yesterday i was crying again all day, doing nothing. I can't afford to do that again today, not only cause i have things to do, but i really can't keep doing it. It's more damaging than cathartic at this point. Not that i will force myself not to cry, more like don't give me a free crying day pass.

 

I really miss him. I hope today will be better.

[Labhrais85]

Day 53! I think this does have cycles, around day ~25 I experienced what Im experiencing now; desperation, bouncing between self-loathing and self-pity, and having trouble being alone, constantly need to talk (but it is getting better). I have had a new lady in my life 3 weeks or so, but I need to end it. Its just complicating me too much. Dammit.

 

Whats emphasised this was that I had a dream of my ex during the week, in it she was going out with a friend of mine, which was crazy, but she seemed cool with chatting with me. Its weird, it was only a dream, made zero sense and lasted a few seconds, but it hit me like a tonne of bricks, and Ive never been bothered at the thoughts of her dating other people (its inevitable), but now the idea of her with someone else hurts.

 

Ive been losing my appetite and being unable to eat the last week for the first time in this whole thing too. Miss her loads and my mind is doing the old mental-gymnastics to make me want to contact her. I wont of course. This is a low point, but itll get better... /sigh

[gypsybird87]

So uh... It's day 13, I think. I'm trying to stop being so dialed in on the day count, but our final conversation was two weeks ago as of tomorrow.

 

Anyway... I spent the entire weekend alone. Between going dancing on Friday night (I'm part of a salsa club), until this morning, I interacted with no one but my dog. I don't mean that as pathetic as it sounds. I had friends I could have called, things I could have done. I just didn't feel like it. It was quiet and peaceful. Also pouring down rain which made it kinda nice to just stay home. I spent a lot of time vegging in front of the tv, watching old movies and other miscellaneous crap. But I also spent a lot of time... processing, I guess would be the word. Thinking about the relationship. How it began. How it progressed (and *didn't progress*), and how it ended. Thinking about red flags I missed, and more importantly, the red flags I saw but chose to ignore.

 

Thinking about the ways we were so compatible, and good together. And the ways we were not. Which is more ways than I originally wanted to see or admit to myself. Catfeeder (as usual) was right: this relationship always had an expiration date. And part of me knew that. I just kept hoping it would change. That was unrealistic and over-romanticized of me. It's hard to see that though, when you're in the middle of it. I think NC is doing its job. It's giving me distance, and with distance comes clarity. I still love him, but not quite as deeply as I thought. Apparently there was a part of my heart that knew better, and held back. I was a lot deeper 'in' than he was, but I don't think I was 'all in' either.

 

Two of my closest friends, who know the situation best, are convinced he will come back. Maybe not soon, but someday. I disagree. I think if I decide not to contact him in regards to staying friends, then we will literally never speak again. And maybe that would be best. I don't know. But there's a part of me that does still want him to come back. To say this was all a mistake and that he does love me and he was an idiot for not realizing it sooner etc blah blah blah. And so NC must continue, until that part of me is gone.

 

I recently watched the movie Inside Out. It's a really cute animated film, about the emotions that run around in our heads and control what we do. In the movie it was Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust and Anger. I feel like I have my own version of this going on. A crew of emotions battling each other for control.

 

Love: That's the piece of me that is dying to break NC. Text him, call him. What if he's changed his mind and is pining for us and is only staying silent because he's respecting our NC demand??? What if, what if, what if?!?!!!! She's an emotional, crazy wreck still, that part of me, and it's imperative that I don't let her run things, even for a moment.

 

Fear: What if we do contact him, and he is happy with his decision and maybe even seeing someone new??? What if we get hurt all over again??? Yikes...

 

Anger: Why the hell do we want a guy that would do this to us? Dump us and leave to go find something more sparkly and interesting. AND have the nerve to ask us to watch, and support him as a friend. Seriously, what a selfish #$%^&@*!!!!

 

Logic: If he wanted to be with us, he would. If he had a change of heart, he would say so, he would not wait and keep silent. He has not changed his mind. He will not change his mind. Waiting and hoping serves no purpose. Time to let go and move on.

 

Sadness: I'm tired of being left. Why does no one ever love us enough to stay???? -- This part of me is pretty unstable. Can't let her drive either. She'd put us over a cliff without a second thought.

 

You get the idea. I think this weekend Logic was in charge, and now everything seems a bit calmer. A bit clearer. It doesn't hurt any less though. Well.. maybe a little less. I think this is progress. Only time will tell.

[Cope]

Your post is marvelous!!!

 

I could of written these parts, it's like you're in my head! :

But I also spent a lot of time... processing, I guess would be the word. Thinking about the relationship. How it began. How it progressed (and *didn't progress*), and how it ended. Thinking about red flags I missed, and more importantly, the red flags I saw but chose to ignore.

 

Thinking about the ways we were so compatible, and good together. And the ways we were not. Which is more ways than I originally wanted to see or admit to myself. Catfeeder (as usual) was right: this relationship always had an expiration date. And part of me knew that. I just kept hoping it would change. That was unrealistic and over-romanticized of me. It's hard to see that though, when you're in the middle of it. I think NC is doing its job. It's giving me distance, and with distance comes clarity. I still love him, but not quite as deeply as I thought. Apparently there was a part of my heart that knew better, and held back. I was a lot deeper 'in' than he was, but I don't think I was 'all in' either.

 

[...]

 

Love: That's the piece of me that is dying to break NC. Text him, call him. What if he's changed his mind and is pining for us and is only staying silent because he's respecting our NC demand??? What if, what if, what if?!?!!!! She's an emotional, crazy wreck still, that part of me, and it's imperative that I don't let her run things, even for a moment.

 

Fear: What if we do contact him, and he is happy with his decision and maybe even seeing someone new??? What if we get hurt all over again??? Yikes...

 

Anger: Why the hell do we want a guy that would do this to us? Dump us and leave to go find something more sparkly and interesting. AND have the nerve to ask us to watch, and support him as a friend. Seriously, what a selfish #$%^&@*!!!!

 

Logic: If he wanted to be with us, he would. If he had a change of heart, he would say so, he would not wait and keep silent. He has not changed his mind. He will not change his mind. Waiting and hoping serves no purpose. Time to let go and move on.

 

 

Specially that love part omg, i laughed out loud! I want him to contact me saying "i want to work on this, i searched my feelings, i love you" and on the other hand im like : "The longer he is not breaking NC, the more i respect him." , but tbh i'd prefer for him to make the first call

 

Day #20 for me. I had to scroll up to count, cause i too want to stop concentrating on the number. Today i again woke up in tears, managed to get out of bed, managed to do the work i had to do yesterday, well most of it, and got out of the house for a bit. I also have a dog and this is the second time in my life that she is saving it. If it wasn't for her, i'd be forever inside. Although when i say i got out of the house today, i don't mean her walks, i had business to do in town. Still, her daily walks helps me see the sun which is soooo helpful.

 

So before that, i was still crying. Doing some work but crying. I didn't allow myself to lay in bed, as i mentioned the other day this is starting to be damaging. I also went through the same thoughts as you gypsybird. I literally went through the WHOLE relationship looking for red flags, even talked about it with a friend of mine, analyzed it. It was helpful. Earlier today , i stated in the "post here instead of your ex" post, i do not want to analyze why the break up occurred, due to distance or loss of feelings. That is also working i must say. I realized there is no point in finding out the why anymore. I am not waiting for him to return, but i still want to contact him at some point. Time will tell if i will. I am still going by the "if it's meant to be, it will". I am not dreaming of his return, i am not planning on it, i am working on myself and my life. IF we happen to meet again, who knows? I love the ship metaphor! At this point, i don't feel like he is dragging me down, maybe i will feel the weight later on.

 

So today started bad, ended well. I am curious to see if i will wake up crying tomorrow.

[missy25]

Day 10

 

My heart is pounding and my heart is racing. I can't take my mind off of him... I know my limit though, so I won't initiate contact. He was very cold the last time I got in touch with him. That's more than enough reason for me to back off. I've been missing for more than a week, and he didn't even get in touch... I can't believe I'm still somehow hoping that things will change. Wishing I can get past the hurt and just be in the acceptance stage. For now, alone time is going to the getting back together forum, and looking for happy endings to help me feel slightly better. I'm getting stronger everyday though. At least, I've been keeping my word about keeping NC.

[gypsybird87]

Day Whatever of NC... And it's really, really hard. I mean really. Yesterday I woke up having dreamed about him. All day the urge to contact him was strong. It wasn't really about wanting to reconcile, and if he walked in right now and wanted to kiss me I think I'd say no. But I FREAKING MISS HIM so badly. Such a big part of our relationship really *was* friendship. It was talking and support and shared interests, and telling each other about our day etc. Just everything. I feel SO alone, with no one to talk to. I have friends and they are supportive but it's not the same. Over the last year and a half he became my BEST friend. The one I shared everything with, the who knew every detail of my life. The one who understood anything I was facing at any given moment, because he was always up to speed on the details of my life. I miss that. I miss being understood and supported so completely, without having to explain anything.

 

I know he misses it too, and I know this is the main reason he wants to stay friends. He wants to keep that part of us. I may get to a point where that is possible, I don't know. It's still too early to say.

 

Something good happened for me yesterday afternoon. I won't go into details here, but it was something that he and I shared, that he would have been thrilled to hear about. Something no one else in my life really understands or gives a crap about. The urge to text him that I'd been fighting all day amplified about 1000x after this happened. And it's extra tough because I *know* he'd respond. He'd be happy, ask questions, then want to know how I am etc. This isn't some angry break up where he doesn't want to hear from me. He DOES. We are only NC because I insisted upon it. I have moments where it seems so stupid. He's out of my life right now, not because of his choice but because of mine. True, he's the one who changed the dynamic of the relationship, but *I'm* the one who essentially kicked him out of my life. So if I'm missing him right now... really... whose fault is that??

 

I was strong and didn't contact him, but I used a sort of postponement in order to pull that off and stay NC. The exciting thing that happened will finalize next Wednesday. I told myself if I still want to contact him then, then I can do so. This deal with myself made the immediately urgency go away, and hopefully I'll be in better place next week and not want to contact him anyway. But who knows. NC is just really hard. I'm doing it, but I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread right now.