THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Bigdeal123]

For those who don't know my story and I hate beating the dead horse over and over but his behavior is confusing me to no end:

 

My broke up with me over a text 4 months ago and I went immediately into no contact. He emailed and I didn't reply. A month later, he texted me to say he unblocked me from his phone under assumption I would be more cordial!!!! wth? He gave one option and only one option to go and get my stuff and since that day I couldn't go, not only he didn't give me another option but I didn't hear from him for another 2 months. This time he sent me a text asking since he has lost one of my 4 months ago emails/texts! to send it to him and I asked why he wants it now? He said he is not sure why he asked!

Everyone I ask guys who don't know him at all and those who have actually met him and know him, say he is trying to find a way to get back. Knowing him so well(been together for 3 years), I know he is not vicious and cruel to try to hurt me more than I have already been hurt. So I know he contacting me is not to put salt on my wound and or hurt me again. But he not only afraid of rejection himself but also because this is the second time he has done this to me to break up. But what does he want? Raindrop22 may say I read too much into his emails but at this age(we both are much older than majority of the people on these forums) I have seen enough to know who means what. I was practically his everything. He is not a bad person, therefore, it makes his contact with me even more confusing as if he wants to move on and he is cordial enough to want me to move on, he contacting me just makes everything so much more difficult on both of us. It will be against he wishing me all the best back then. And no, he doesn't have anyone else either or unless for 3 years I was a total idiot not to realize, he is one of those who will not and cannot balancing multiple relationships at the same time. Unless he is possessed!!! what does he want?

[Enn]

I would say he is definitely confused...he's trying to find ways to contact you but he's not absolutely sure what he wants. At the moment he wants the reassurance that you are still emotionally invested in him - even if he's not going to do anything about it at this stage. He's got a severe case of cognitive dissonance - he wanted this, yet it hasn't made him happy. Though his behaviour sounds entirely illogical to me, as I wouldn't dump someone unless I was sure, I have realised going through this so many times, that many people aren't like me. The things I'm always surprised by are how rude and entitled people can be when THEY'RE the one who caused the problem, and they seem to have been given all they wanted! I've been through this so many times (I am really old ;-)) and as I always say to my friends - No Contact is the ONLY WAY, whether you want to get them back or you want them to go away. That's part of what makes it so brilliant - you stop doubting yourself. However, I'd say he is REALLY doubting himself. I think that when he is outrageously unpleasant (which as you say is out of character) he's trying to make you react in a negative way in the hope he can prove to himself he did the right thing in ending the relationship. But he ALSO wants to know you still care in some way; even if it's by showing anger at him or asking him what's wrong wth him. Don't fall for the bait! He's a basket case at the moment and no use to you or anyone else anyway. Carry on giving him (as they say) the gift of missing you and you might be surprised how it clarifies his thoughts. (I would say that when our exes come back they seem to have a sixth sense when you don't care anymore...and that seems to throw their feelings into focus, it's bizarre). As I'm sure you know, if they want you, they make it ABUNDANTLY clear. Keep going, you're doing great!

[Enn]

Good job! You should be happy you feel this way.

Thank you.

[Enn]

Day 4...still weirdly great! All my friends are fab and...I don't know if anyone else feels this: apart from the initial thing when you meet someone, life is much more fun when you're not attached. It's funny, I genuinely feel this, and get dumped by people who claim to want freedom and fun, only to bitterly regret it. I care more about what's happening with SuperDave71 than my ex. Where are you SuperDave? I hope you're still helping people!

[Bigdeal123]

Thank you.

 

he just texted me! Why?????

[Enn]

Cos he is emotionally invested (BUT CONFUSED - so still TOXIC!!!). But you're not! You're above this! So IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE...until he makes it quite clear that he's made the biggest mistake of his life and he's really sorry. This is good though - let this give you strength and confirm that it really isn't you, it's him!

[Eyleia]

i done that no contact rules for 2 months but end up my ex bf already have a gf and seems happy .....

[Bigdeal123]

i done that no contact rules for 2 months but end up my ex bf already have a gf and seems happy .....

 

Don't they call these kinds of moving on so fast a "rebound"? and I heard they usually don't last long. Because they are not emotionally healed enough to be able to nourish and sustain a health relationship toward another individual. You never know. He maybe on a rebound and sooner or later he will be back. Not to keep your hopes high but there is a possibility.

[Eyleia]

your right ... but in my case maybe its not rebound he did tell me hes new gf made him happier than hes was with me and that he think about her 24/7 but for some reason he hates me soo bad and drive him crazy even though hes the one broke up with me ...

[Enn]

If you are doing No Contact then how do you know he seems happier? The point of No Contact is that, as far as you're concerned, your ex has fallen off the planet. You want no updates about ANYTHING - no checking up on social media, hearing from friends of friends, nothing.

[Enn]

Day 5...still not really bothered and still worried at some point that I'm going to feel devastated. When I've gone through this sort of thing in the past people have shared their reasoning along the lines of 'It's going to take you half of the time you were together to fully get over it.' But we were together for five years and I'm not even sure I was upset for five minutes. Maybe (it's the second time he's done this and the first time I was DEVASTATED) I am finally sick of deja vu. Also, when someone's been distant for ages it's hard to notice they've gone...

[Bigdeal123]

Day 5...still not really bothered and still worried at some point that I'm going to feel devastated. When I've gone through this sort of thing in the past people have shared their reasoning along the lines of 'It's going to take you half of the time you were together to fully get over it.' But we were together for five years and I'm not even sure I was upset for five minutes. Maybe (it's the second time he's done this and the first time I was DEVASTATED) I am finally sick of deja vu. Also, when someone's been distant for ages it's hard to notice they've gone...

 

 

I keep typing and then as soon as I am ready to submit it gets lost in the virtual world! Have not heard from him since Tuesday although he has sent me an email last Friday that I am yet to reply and I don't think I will either. There is nothing to reply. He doesn't want to put me through extra effort!!! I am getting better as I have accepted he is gone. One thing you mentioned and it hit home was the term cognitive dissonance as I was puzzled by the inconsistency in his words and actions. I, however, being the one who was looking for stability and consistency, was labeled stubborn as I strongly hold on my values and what I believe in. This is the guy who genuinely cried and told me he doesn't want to lose me, he doesn't want to damage us and our relationship. Then what happened? I had to research. From Introverted to Midlife crisis to antisocial and PTSD... He in many occasions has declared how he could never connect to anyone else the way he felt toward me. I learned to take things at their face value. He may have meant what he said then and not now but then it is a huge pill to swallow! I let him be. I am not mad at him. I know he didn't want to hurt me. But then in a relationship getting hurt is a risk people will take. I am sad because I feel I had no saying in make it or break the relationship. He was there because he wanted to and he broke up when he felt like it. Again, all against all he preached! Some of his crazy ideas and fantasies were making me think he is possessed! lol... How such a private, kind and soft (yet very firm and straight forward) person could be such a hypocrite?? Well... little did I know it was cognitive dissonance rather than hypocrisy for him to act the way he did. Talking about it relieves me from being confused. I thought I needed closure. I don't think I do anymore. There is no such a thing as a closure when there is a dumper and a dumpee. Closure is only offered in relationships that are the two are mature and mutually agreeable and equally understanding. He doesn't like confrontation, therefore, it was easy for him to dump me over a text and still since he didn't like my (according to him) vitriol texts, he decide to block me and make sure I know he has blocked me. I did not react. I never did. Long before I told him I am mature enough not to pursue a person who doesn't want to be pursued by me! It is called self respect and I have enough self respect not to put myself in a position to be blocked by a person that not long ago was sharing a bed and practically his life with me! Too long, huh? I have to get to work now.

[Enn]

You are right - sometimes having self-respect can hurt, but only in the short term. If you haven't self-respect it you get the quick fix (sometimes) and the long-drawn-out misery. Keep yourself busy and your head held high. Trust me, if he cares he'll be back, and quite clear that he wants to get back with you. That still doesn't mean it's the right thing to get together with him. NC has always worked for me - always around the eight-week mark (after various overtures earlier than that...loads of vague rubbish like 'I don't want to lose you!') ...and it's never been for the best; they promised the moon and stars and went on to carry on the same way, eventually. (Anyway - I'm on Day 6...still doing OK considering! Slightly thought of him today - he'd wanted to move out (AGAIN!) and I'd said that previously that that would mean the relationship was over...he did it anyway, don't know if he did it in hope I'd agree or split...anyway, I was wondering today if that means he thinks I'M the dumper. Pah it's all irrelevant anyway. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't care enough to treat them well? That goes for ALL of us!) To be honest...if we have to do research to understand these flaky blokes then they can't be worth it, can they? You did research on Antisocial Personality Disorder? I went out with a sociopath - I now find it massively entertaining (ten years on I realise it gave me some great anecdotes and was a GREAT life lesson!), but good God if you have the slightest inkling he's got any of those Cluster IV personality disorders then AVOID! You can do this, keep going!!

[Enn]

Day 6...this was a classic. There's a jar (in what WAS our house) that has (HAD) contraceptives in it, and I had wondered where it had gone. Anyway, today, when vacuuming under the bed I saw it and thought 'Oh! He didn't take it! I'm not going to look in there though' but then I knocked it over by accident and the sound told me it was CLEARLY EMPTY. Classy eh?! (But yeah I still don't really care, there's a time when that would have torn my heart in two, but now it confirms that he's not worth it. I mean...contraceptives aren't expensive enough that it's necessary to pilfer them surely? If I was him, I'd have left them there just to avoid embarrassment. Unless he just wanted to make me somehow pregnant by someone else... ) Anyway - day 6, still fine!

[TeaLeaf1234]

Day 6: We've been broken up for over a month but he contacted me last week asking to be friends...I said NO, because I'm not ready to have a friendship with him. I feel ok. I'm glad I stuck to my guns, but the last two days were rough. I miss him but I know I deserve someone better. Hopefully it works out!

[ashley828]

Today is Day 33

I went through a very long NC period with my last boyfriend that was extremely difficult but ultimately led me to a better place. I acted so terribly in that situation, as we were back and forth for years and couldn't seem to let each other be. Finally, he hurt me badly enough that I decided that I had had enough. It was excruciating in the first few months, because it's like getting off drugs or something, it's a compulsion as much as a love. But after a few months (thank God he didn't try to contact me during that time) I stopped noticing how long it had been. I would get upset from time to time, especially when I heard about him from a friend (usually in passing, they all hated him), but if I sat still and did nothing, it went away. It took 3 years, but he came back. Timidly at first, with just a "Hi" by text. Then a longer text a few months later and a longer one still last year, saying how he regretted how he had treated me and that I still meant so much to him. I felt bad because I could tell he was sincere (as much as you can from a text), but doing NC made me feel so much more comfortable asking what I wanted instead of what he wanted or worrying about how he felt. I knew I wasn't ready to have him in my life again, so I have never answered. And I feel ok about it.

But now I am trying to go NC from another, completely different situation. This guy is so different from my last boyfriend. He is sincere and has been very honest with me (as far as I can tell). He was relatively newly divorced (although they had been back and forth for years and separated for a year) with young children and after a few wonderful months, when I asked him where he saw things, he said he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship, for several reasons. Like a , I stayed in contact with him and we got closer and closer, but he still wasn't ready to go forward after another several months. So I told him that I thought it would be best for me to try to just see him as a friend for a while, but that I wasn't closing any doors for the future. He accepted that, but stayed in contact over the past few months since then, mostly in friendly ways (every once in a while I get a flirty vibe). We had a bit of an issue a few weeks ago (too long to go into here) that upset me and I told him that it was obvious I wasn't seeing him as just a friend. We didn't communicate for a month. I felt awful about how that communication ended, so I texted him just to say hi and that I was thinking of him and he called. We had a good talk with lots of laughs and then he texted a few days later to ask about how a dinner party had gone (I had told him on the phone that I was going to one that week). But since then, we haven't spoken, and that was 33 days ago.

I know I need to try to really let him go. He isn't ready to be what I want him to be and keeping in touch with him is hurting me. It's so hard though. I can't really be mad at him (this kept me going with the older ex) because he has always been honest with me and I know he cares about me. I worry that I've given him too much power (by saying that the door was open) and I want so much for him to miss me and to come back and say he wants to try to be more serious.

Over the past few days, I've been reading this post (over 200 pages so far!!) and it's so helpful to see other people going through the same things (even thinking the same thoughts that I've had!!). So I think I will start posting here too, just to make myself stick to this.

[ashley828]

Starting Day 34

Yesterday was a rough day for part of it. I know my family gets frustrated because I feel sad sometimes. They feel like I should move on, he doesn't know what he's doing, etc, etc - but it is hard. I have been through a much worse break up before (the guy was an angry person with substance abuse issues), but in some ways that made it easier because I could focus on the awful things he had done and said to me. In this case, he is a good person and I don't think I'm seeing things through rose colored glasses. So that makes it suck worse, because I can't focus on the bad things.

I worry he has found someone else who is somehow better than me. He hasn't had a lot of relationships (before his marriage I think he dated maybe a couple of people and I'm the first person he dated after his divorce) and isn't the type to be out hitting on every woman, but I think he's a catch and I worry that other women are looking at him and thinking so too.

Yesterday, I told my brother that I wanted him to miss me and to wonder why he hadn't heard from me. My brother thought this was slightly nuts, but it's the only thing that keeps me going in NC sometimes - to hope that he will start to wonder what I am doing and who I am doing it with. He has gotten jealous in the past when I would get a text from someone or when I would mention guy friends - I know it's not a good thing to hope that someone is jealous, but I can't help it.

Going to get going this morning and go exercise. That helps with my spirits. Hope everyone else is having a better day.

[Enn]

Day 7. Thought about him more today than the other days (though not with any sort of longing), but still feeling better. I feel as if I've accessed a 'switch' in my brain which, when the slightest bit of a memory comes up, refuses to let my brain 'go there.' It's not like me - I'm someone who dwells on stuff (and so reinforces those neural pathways). I also feel as if I've got all the time in the world - last time it happened I thought I might want kids and that added to my sadness. I also feel good that I stuck to my guns. It's painful when someone does the slow-fade on you, so this time it was - OK you want to go - go NOW. Much better for the self-esteem. So yeah, hope you are all feeling good today as well.

[nayla]

Know of any dating sites or apps? But don't feel like I'm ready to add a pic yet

[Enn]

Know of any dating sites or apps? But don't feel like I'm ready to add a pic yet

If you don't feel ready, then don't do it yet. There is NO rush - you've got all the time in the world and it's actually pretty fabulous being single. When I think of all the best times in my life...I was single! You WILL feel ready and then when you do, you can put a picture of yourself up confident and beaming - and people will pick up on it.

[Enn]

Day 8...just feel more hopeful about the future. I've got this sort of 'cloud-in-waiting' above me, which I'm expecting to descend at some point...but I can't deny it: I'm relieved at not being around someone who is clearly merely tolerating me. I feel FREE. Normally in this situation I'd be doubting myself at least a bit but not this time. It's shoddy to do what he did - especially a second time, with his pattern of behaviour EXACTLY the same (in such detail!) So good luck to him!

[Cope]

Day 5 of no contact. A week since the break up. I had 1and a half good day. The rest are sleeping and crying and just breathing. I kind of planned a "week off" but to be honest this is harder than i expected. I have feelings for him, don't get me wrong, i think i just have more then i thought. It was LD, i was holding back, i am pretty sure he was too. He wants us to remain friends, i asked for no contact till i get over this. It's hard. Not the no contact, i can seem to keep myself from not texting him easily, although i do want to. I know that if i do text him, there is no good to come from that. I know he won't contact me, cause he respects my decision , so i have thoughts of getting back together again, although i doubt that he wants to. It seems like the only thing that makes me happy at this point. I still have hope and i just decided i want to hold on to that to get through the day.

[Cthun]

Day 9

 

Last night I went to see civil war with my mum, I loved the movie, it was great, my mum liked it too. However I couldn't help feeling overwhelming sadness, I miss her. Usually after watching a movie, I would talk with her all about it, following by wishing her goodnight.

 

This month I will work on being happy with myself.

[ashley828]

Day 35

A pretty good day today, better than the last two days. I was working today, so I was busy and it was a good day at work. That always helps, being busy. I still think about him though. I know that there is a conference right now in Chicago that he might be attending and I thought about this a lot - just wishing I knew what he was up to. I think that's one of the hardest things, just not being included in their day to day lives. It makes me feel farther and farther away from him and this makes me worry that at some point I will move so far away that it will be impossible for us to come back together (and it might be, but letting go of that thought hasn't quite happened yet).

On the other hand, I got quite a surprise last night when I logged into Facebook and saw a friend request from a guy that I dated in college (over 15 years ago!). We had a bad breakup and the last time I spoke to him (also 15 years ago) I yelled at him, so I was shocked to see that he had tried to friend me. I would have thought for sure that he didn't remember me, as we only dated for about 4-5 months. Made me think that my thoughts that my most recent ex has forgotten about me are probably just me working myself up.

[IAmFCA]

Dear you.

 

You're so smart.

 

And your ethics are twisted in knots.

 

Your friends embrace excuses and chaos.

 

I miss you not.

 

Your honey had better keep the sugar flowing, because she has picked off an open spigot.

 

God speed with you, my would be sexual slave. I'm quite glad I'm done.