THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[redsox22]

Day 1 -

Not even a whole day yet- last contact was at 1pm. Last phone call where we said goodbye.

 

I need to be strong. Contacting him would be sacrificing my self worth.

[icantsay]

Well... I am back again to this forum.

 

Day 2

 

This time a new relationship that went wrong.. And I fell very hard for this guy. And now I feel so sick. It's as if someone is stabbing me with a knife. I can actually physically feel the pain.. It's horrific.. And I can't eat. When I eat food, it tastes like nothing.. So strange.

 

But I have been smart and forced myself to go be with friends and family so that I'm not alone.. And that forces me to eat and not do something stupid. Like contacting my ex. Or worse.. But oh god this is so hard. I don't think I have ever been in so much pain before. I feel like a zombie. Everything reminds me of him. I have done this journey before with a previous relationship, so you would think that I learned. But no. I have forgotten how painful it is..

[icantsay]

Sorry, I need to explain further and let out... I apologize for the multiple post.

 

I was last here in 2013, trying to get over my "high school sweetheart". Well, I did! But then after a year of me being single, independent, and happy, I fell in love again... This guy... there was something about him that was different. And I mean, I fell hard for him. We moved in together last summer and spent a year living together.

We had our fights and problems - but also amazing moments.. some of those moments were the best things I have ever experienced.. Like his family.. I have never felt so welcome and loved by a family before. Not even by my own.. We would roll around with laughter as we were playing games and sharing stories.. Another moment was when we took a road trip.. We saw a balloon festival and I have just never been so happy before.

 

Three weeks ago, something changed... He started classes and I graduated. I was also excited as I got a job right after graduation and could now support us with more income and we could promote to a new apartment with more space. Yet, he became more and more absent.. Every time I talked to him about cool apartments, I saw dread in his eyes.. He would get angry sometimes when I talked about us moving to a new place.

 

Then everything went completely wrong last week. On Thursday, I asked if we were okay and what was going on with him not wanting to move to a new apartment. He got angry with me. I cried.. Then I noticed that he was on his phone texting someone. I asked who and found that it was this girl he has been tutoring. Of course, I was stupid. I got jealous and asked what was going on and if that was why he had been different. It was 11 pm and usually he did not message people that late. My jealousy made me angry and I freaked out on him. I scared him. I demanded that he showed me their conversation. I was an ***hole. Idiot.

 

He then gave me an "ultimatum," as he called it. He would show me the conversations and then break up with me. Or I would just have to trust him and not ask about it. Again, me being an idiot, I demanded that he showed me the messages.

 

It really wasn't anything. They were talking about liking cats and stupid stuff. Nothing inappropriate. Then, he stormed out... I haven't seen him since. I spent the following days and nights grieving and begging him with messages and calls... Apologizing, begging.. But he did not reply. Two days ago, he messaged me that we were over. And that he wanted nothing to do with me.

 

So here I am.. Day 2

I can't believe I threw all this away because of some jealousy. It is all my fault and I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

[saluk]

Nowhere else to really put this so I'll put it here. It's halfway relevant as it is a bit of a breach of my not looking back policy. As expected, the day I stopped posting here was one of the better days, and some more rough days followed. Sunday is always the hardest, and set me back, but week over week there are certainly improvements.

 

I just stalked her pinterest for like an hour catching up on all the old posts I missed while in no contact. There are a lot of pics about things on her bucket list, including many super romantic things (kissing in the rain, growing old with somebody etc). On her "likes" she is liking many quotes about love. (I feel so much better with you) At a high level it comes accross to me like if she is not in love with new-guy yet, she is definitely thinking about it. I think they have been together a month now.

 

1/5th the length of our flash in the pan relationship. Why does it still affect me?

 

I feel sad. But knowing that she might be in love with him makes it a little more real, in a good way. If some guy can blow in off the street and sweep her off her feet one day, and they fall in love and are together forever... maybe love can happen for me again too someday. If their relationship is really happening, maybe I can actually learn to accept it and move out of denial.

[saluk]

icantsay

 

Aw that's rough! Are you going to post that elsewhere for more directed feedback? I'll say that the ultimatum was pretty tacky, and it sounds like he was pulling away and making you insecure long before the jealousy kicked in. That anger about moving to a new place... where did that come from?

 

Liking cats? It sounds like he was having a personal conversation with the girl he was tutoring. Personal conversations can lead to more - and maybe he was hoping it would.

 

He's a jerk who couldn't communicate with you like an adult. Enjoy your new job!

[beanpot]

Sorry to see you back Saluk. But your presence and comments are always welcomed. I am sorry it's been a rough one. God social media is the absolute killer. Despite me thinking about my ex incessantly... the one thing I've been able to do (thank goodness) is to avoid ALL social media. I stopped using FB and Instagram. I didn't delete her. I just stopped using them myself. Which isn't a bad thing since they are time consuming to begin with. Social media is so destructive...

[saluk]

I've gone through periods like that. But sometimes like today it actually was a way to push me into a different mode. This whole thing has been so weird for me. It's different than the girl who dates soon after they split, different than the girl who you lost contact with who you find is dating, and quite different from the breaking up. There were like 4 or 5 opportunities in the last 3 years that I know if I had pushed a little we may have had a second shot. But I would never have accepted a second shot that was not initiated by her, so I avoided it. I'm glad I did. She's changed so much. It's just really hard to accept the reality that that door may actually be closed for good. What it appears to be, what is, and what could be - three worlds all coexisting and mingling in the same place - yet only one is true. At some point they will coalesce. But until they do, it is hard for one to find anything to hold onto.

 

Seeing the signs of romantic thoughts... brings out the "what is" (and maybe the "what it appears") a little more clearly at least.

[beanpot]

I had the opportunity to rekindle after she left me the first time to work on herself. I didn't know if it was going to be month, years, or forever... It was an indefinite period of time that ended up being 3 months. But I brought so much of the pain and suffering that I had from the 3 months apart back into the rekindled relationship that I pushed her away again. The last time she left it was just slightly easier because there wasn't anything I could do... it came out of nowhere. This time... I am the responsible party for her leaving again. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed to feel loved and wanted. I was so distraught, heartbroken, and anxious about the fact that she had left me once that I didn't cherish her return. And now she is gone again. And the self-guilt and self-flagellation have been ever-present in my mind.

[beanpot]

Day 13: It's rough.

[rlhuk]

Day 13:

 

Ugh, who even knows anymore. Not getting back together was the right thing to do, I can see that now, but I wish I could have him in my life in some way. It's just that whenever I see him all the feelings start coming back and I go all pathetic again.

[alldaisies]

Day 13:

 

Ugh, who even knows anymore. Not getting back together was the right thing to do, I can see that now, but I wish I could have him in my life in some way. It's just that whenever I see him all the feelings start coming back and I go all pathetic again.

 

Day 12

 

I am feeling like you today. Why life is so complicated?

[icantsay]

Saluk

 

I don't know where his anger came from about the moving thing.. I thought it would have been great for us?

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe he wasn't ready to lease with me and have all that responsibility. He is younger than me and perhaps wasn't quite ready for that commitment. Too much pressure.

I definitely misbehaved that Thursday and I will take all the blame for scaring him with my yelling and freaking out - but the weeks before that he was also so absent and angry. So perhaps there were several reasons for why he ran away and not only my behavior that day.

 

If I just had known that, of course I wouldn't have rambled so much about stupid apartments and just given him time...

[icantsay]

Day 3

 

Feeling worse today. so angry with myself.

[saluk]

You both were kettles boiling. You just happened to be the first to boil over.

 

Cause and effect... when it comes to relationships which effect is the cause and which cause is the effect? You can never really know because everything builds on everything else. Go easy on yourself.

[redsox22]

Damn! He posted a photo of us on fb. Why!? Breadcrumbs?

He knows where to find me. He rejected me at the end, pretty much.

I know to ignore it.

 

But what the h*ll? What is he thinking?!

 

Day 2 NC-

Does this count as contact?

[saluk]

Damn! He posted a photo of us on fb. Why!? Breadcrumbs?

He knows where to find me. He rejected me at the end, pretty much.

I know to ignore it.

 

But what the h*ll? What is he thinking?!

 

Day 2 NC-

Does this count as contact?

 

Nope! Them leaving your breadcrumbs you don't follow up on is a win for you. Keep that power!

[redsox22]

Thanks- Saluk. I was hoping that was the case.

 

I'll take the win!

[beanpot]

Day 14: I feel really empty

[Ghosted]

Funny I've been doing this without before I ever saw this post.

 

But I'm on day 28:

 

It has been easier to do things, like go to the gym, search for better employment, and get out and do things on my own. I made a few tattoo appointments yesterday so another step in the right direction.

I feel like I'm doing these things not only because they are all things I wanted to do, but the extra motivating factor was doing it IN SPITE of my ex-gf. I want her to eventually realize she made the biggest mistake of her life, and I believe it is because we were perfect together, our lives, common interests, personal/life goals, are completely parallel with one-another. We offered each other so much, we are the same but so different. I compare us to the yin-yang symbol and it still stands true for me to this day.

 

The worst part though is that I still love her with my entire heart and mind, I want to hate her for destroying me (us) but I can't find it anywhere within myself to do so. She ghosted me, gave me no reason for a breakup, and I left her apartment one day not realizing it was going to be the last time I'd be seeing her. That day was August 7th, and I contacted her on the 12th after 5 days of not talking, and that's when I started the NC challenge within myself. It started the 12th and today is the 10th. I'm not sure if I am going to extend it or not but I don't think she's ready to talk to me seeing she hasn't said a word to me other than one text message I got out of her on the 12th (which wasn't a good one by the way). I don't see a life without her and I think she may be talking to someone else, but I can't imagine anyone offering her anymore than what I did. I'm trying to stay strong but it's hard.

 

I will continue to post here every few days.

[rlhuk]

Day 14:

 

I raced a woman at the swimming pool last night. She didn't know we were racing but we were. I was swimming breast stroke above water, her going under the water. I beat her on every length. Anyway the reference is that I am stronger and faster than I think I am, in mind and body....

 

I just wish I could see it all the time. I have been thinking about him a lot. But no tears for ages now. Wondering if they are all going to explode out of me at some point, or if they're really gone?

 

Ponder, ponder

[redsox22]

Day 3:

 

More breadcrumbs. Ugh, I am struggling to stay strong!

[saluk]

How to have no contact when you are both on a leadership team that's currently 8 people?

 

And we talk about what's going on in our lives as part of the group discussion. She won't go into details but just says something vague like "I'm feeling lost and there is some stuff I have to work out" to send my mind spinning. Like, she dove into this relationship way too fast, and it's been about 4 1/2 weeks, which is about the length of time it takes me when I'm dating someone to decide "nope, this one isn't for me". Or it might not be about that at all. Though she never mentioned her BF the entire night... dunno if that was for my benefit or if it just didn't come up. The other people with dating issues mentioned them... the married guy mentioned his wife... she was the only one silent about it.

 

At the same time... when we are in a small group like that, I don't find I am particularly attracted to her or enamored by the things she says in the group etc. It feels more like I am over her. So maybe I am? And it's just the fact that she's seeing someone that is resuscitating the zombie of the old relationship making me think I am still carrying a torch?

 

Maybe I should use that torch to burn the zombie.

 

I will say I was pretty good at staying mostly NC even in that shared space. I was telling some jokes and saying things at the beginning in the group that if I'm being honest were intended to get a rise out of her - and they worked. I still know how to push her buttons. But when I realized I was doing it I was able to cut it off and focus on the topics. I've come so far really.

 

Looking forward to my cruise in a couple weeks though. All the cute ladies on the ship

[icantsay]

Back to day 1... I posted a thread.. He contacted me and want things to work. I am conflicted suddenly...

[Mashup]

Day 3:

 

Don't foresee a problem keeping NC or moving on.

 

Just separated from a very intense and involved one and half yr relationship. She dumped me for some guy in her office. The breakup was messy, which ironically is helping me. Don't feel the need to get back or talk to her. We had separated 3-4 month ago for the same guy but she called and begged me back. Now, however, its final. I think I'll pull through without much issue because I'm not feeling that intense pain I felt during our first break. I'm calm and don't feel any attraction for her.

 

But I am a bit down and unenthusiastic... I think I'll allow myself the next few days(or weeks, if required) to feel low before I stop being sad and start being awesome instead...

[hopelessincan]

13 days. I was doing ok. I do know that I wont be contacting him again. I've reached my limit of pain Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell cause it does. I give him a week, maybe two and I'll get a text. Right now, I feel like I will ignore it. Who knows what will happen if and when he does. I hope it happens in an anger mood, not a sad one. He wanted to visit in two weeks...Oh heck hes been trying to visit for the last four months... I think I can do it this time. I unblocked him yesterday..That was dumb. now I have to re-block him tomorrow..grrrr... I never acted like this when I was a teenager for crying out loud. I'm a grown adult. This is stupid.