THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[IAmPerfection]

Day 6

 

You texted me today. I was looking at your tumblr and saw that your bipolar is on full blast. Low and behold, my phone vibrates and it's you, telling me how sorry you are for not talking to me, etc. Kiss. My. Ass. Talk to the guy you were kissing on this weekend. Let him laugh in your face when you tell him how you expect him to stay while you have a full blown panic attack. Meanwhile, I'm here thanking God that I dodged your crazy self before something crazy like marriage or a kid happened. Feels good. Might go out with a few girls this week.

[Dystophia]

Good luck, Chris. That sounds like an emotional journey. Be strong.

[chrisbuilder]

Good luck, Chris. That sounds like an emotional journey. Be strong.

 

Thanks a lot! I'm getting ready to move...I have to do this. I'll post an account later tonight!

[aeubanks72]

Hmmmm Ok! well i was in NC for almost a month,he broke it,weve emailed back and forth for a week.But I realized that even tho he broke it,i responded and he kept responded,his responses werent really positive and I think (not sure) that maybe he was doing it to keep me hanging on a thread,and making sure I wasnt hooking up or seeing other people.So as of last night he responded,I decided to do NC again today..

DAY 1 NC (again)

 

I wanted to write him and tell him off lol because I felt as if his responses werent meant for nothing but to hurt me,i didnt know this when he broke it tho,I was just happy he actually contacted me first in 4 months.Im a fool. I started thinking back to everything,friends off and on for 13 yrs and serious relalatinship for a few months,I am so in love with him,he was my first love,my one and only love actually.At 39 i finally found it,and it hurt so bad that he would give up so easily,i didnt think the mistake I made was bad enough for a break up,neither did is mom actually,she felt bad for me and didnt understand either,she thought after time he'd get over it.But its been 4months and hes so cold to me like I cheated or something.Its like I love him but I hate him at the same time. Hes been hurt so many times its like hes punishing me for the bad experiences. Hes told me that Im alot like his ex wife,and let me tell ya IM NOTHING LIKE HER..he just has it in his mind I am. I dunno but I started NC today,Im not playing his games.

[transmit]

Day 15

had some pretty vivid dreams about him. Almost 6 weeks since the breakup, I thought I'd be feeling so much better by now.

 

I'm getting used to being single and things in my life are going well. I've been dating but it's just a distraction -- I don't want to jump into another relationship. I just miss my ex very badly.

[HopefulNessie]

Day 15

 

Feel relieved because my last major essay is done and just have a few tests left. Once this semester is over I will have more time to focus on myself and to make even more improvements I'm really excited about that!!!

Time seems to not go regular speed anymore. Ether things seem like they were just yesterday or as if they occurred a decade ago. It's quite odd.

I still wonder. A lot. I try not to but it's hard. I wonder how his day is. I wonder if her ever has me on his mind? Or has he forgotten already?

This has been the most trying experience of my life (and ive had no shortage of Challanges in life so that says a lot).

This has also really opened my eyes and changed me profoundly. I just hope that I will get the opportunity to share these changes with him one day.

 

At least my days are easier now. The initial shock and utter dispair has worn off. But it still hurts. A lot. I try to stay strong and I've been doing a lot of fun things lately that I enjoy and I've lost 9 pounds (goal is 10 YAAYY 1 more!!) and I've had a lot of good times lately, I really have. But even though I've had a lot of good times and made improvements in my life it all feels tainted in a way. It's tainted by the knowledge that he is not here for me to share these changes with. I always think of him. I can't help it. Every good moment I think oh wow he would have loved doing this, or this is totally his type of restaurant or man the weather is nice we could be at the park right now etc.

Sigh

 

 

Time to get back to work and stay positive.

[Love1336]

Day 43.

I am bipolar.

I don't want to break contact.

I'm strong enough to deal with the wreck that may be.

But, why add to my pain?

 

Thanks Alberto(ex of three years)

You really made me afraid to break NC.

You taught me something amazing. To protect my own heart. She's good heart, wants best for me, however... I know sometimes when she's in love. She a bit reckless with herself.

 

I'm happy. I'm glad i am not repeating mistakes.

[chrisbuilder]

Ok, here comes a lengthy essay. I've shared everything with you guys, so I'd like to share the events of today with you as well! Some might find my account strange and foreign, others might recognize elements.

 

You see, I don't feel anger or resentment towards my ex. To the contrary, I still love her very much!

 

I know that will sound strange to some of you. Does she deserve my love? Not at all. But that's the thing, I loved her unconditionally. Is that naive? Hell yeah. It was stupid too. I see that now, and it's a lesson hard learned, and will not be forgotten. I now know that the only people who love you unconditionally are your family, your best friend(s) and your dog if you own one. Romantic love is conditional. Which is exactly why she left me. I thought loving her was enough, but I didn't realize that when she pushes, I should have pushed, and played the game of love. No, I just showered her with love and attention, and it came accross as being needy. I see that now, although I was not being needy, I was just sincerely interested in her and her life. And that killed all the excitement for her, she got bored, and decided to move on. I'd like to believe that the ideal love would be unconditional, but I now don't believe anymore that Romantic love can be like that. I don't like that fact, and I'm not sure I'm cut out to play that game. Maybe that's something I just have to accept about myself - I can't change who I am.

 

Lesson learned.

 

But although I understand what happened and can understand the rationale behind it, it doesn't take away that I still love her very much. I have accepted that it's over. But I can't switch it off just because it's now in the past. Maybe that's weakness. Many of you probably see it that way, and so does my ex.

 

But it's who I am. I can't just amputate the feelings I have. In fact, I think one could say it's a sign of great strength and courage to be able to believe so much in someone. I'd like to believe that.

 

As I said in a previous post, today I went on a tour to the past. We were in a LDR, and I hadn't been back to her hometown since before we broke up. I am a very emotional person, and I get very emotionally attached to places I have fond memories of. The last time I left there, I honestly didn't think it would be the last time. I left on a high, in hindsight I could have known it was the end. But the fact that I hadn't been able to say good-bye as it were (and not the fact that I hadn't accepted that she left me!) meant that I was not able to move on. I spent five hours today there walking and reliving all of our memories together, and one by one I was able to say good-bye to them, and accept that they were now really gone, part of a past that isn't a reality anymore. And as the hours went by, I started to feel better and better. Sadness made place for acceptance and space. I needed to do this for myself, so I can fully accept that the relationship is over.

 

I know this might sound very foreign to you. I'm sure if I would tell my ex, she wouldn't understand at all. I realize now that we are indeed very different creatures. Each to their own. But I feel nothing but love for her. Do I want to stay in touch? No, she hasn't earned it. But do I resent her? Not at all. She can't feel what isn't there, she can't give what she doesn't have to give, and she can't understand my feelings because I don't think she has the same frame of reference. She is different, I've accepted that and I don't blame her for anything. Do I like how she has treated me or is treating me now? Not very much. But again, she can't do anything different from who she is and how she is.

 

Again, I don't see myself as a weak being, but I do realize I'm different from the 'norm'. I have to work with that, and next time (if there will be one) when I find someone who I think is worth investing in, I will have a gameplan and do what's expected from me: play the game of love. And guard my heart along the way. I'd like to believe one can go in guards down like I did with my ex, but I see now that that is detrimental to the relationship because it reduces mutual respect. I've learned a lot, the hard way. So I will be better at it next time, but I can't change who I am at the core, nor do I want to.

[chrisbuilder]

little update: she actually replied to my birthday wishes. I was already feeling much more human again after my little excursion, but this was the icing on the cake: acknowledgement that I actually do exist, hurray! It just took one small message to make me feel so much better. The only downside of this whole day of memories and an *actual message* from my ex is that I once again realize just how special she is for me and how much I still love her. But it's a small price to pay for feeling human again. Oh and for the second time in a week she suggested we could perhaps meet next week, so I've decided to take her up on it....but not just yet. I'll wait a day or three. Then I want to send her the following message: (any suggestions for improvement???)

 

Her reply to my birthday wishes:

 

"Thanks so much! Hope you have a good time in Germany! Maybe we can catch up then! Greets from Italy"

 

The reply I intend to send in a couple of days:

 

"Cool! When you want to catch up, just unblock me on Skype and leave me a message! ;-)"

[lovebre]

Day 43/44

Everyday I realize more and more how much better off I am WITHOUT him. I'm finally realizing that he wasn't that great of a boyfriend. He talked about the way I dressed, how I wore my hair, & called me plain and said I needed to get out more :stupid: HA! What an idiot. Guess he'd rather have a girl that's always in drama and more focused on partying than someone who's ambitious and doing something with their life.

 

"God don't like ugly and he isn't too crazy about pretty."

[Love1336]

Day 43.

I'm bipolar.

I broke NC...

And... he responded...

He wants to talk.

I'm afraid, i'm...nervous, i'm happy.

[jooj]

Day 1

 

Feeling so much pain and anger, wondering if he ever really loved me or just wanted me for sex. Also wondering whether or not he will ever contact me again.

[lonelyheart2]

Temptations to go back on facebook and check what he's been up to lately are quite strong...luckily there is a major thing stopping me in that i know I'll look silly going back on when I told everyone I was leaving so I could revise...currently making notes, such fun. If I could not be on the computer I know this would be way easier. Can't wait till two weeks are up and I am freeeeeeeeee

[Mjb]

I wish i could do this but i live and work with my ex.. i want her to miss me and make her realise what i do mean to her without her taken advantage but i dont know how to do this xx

[aeubanks72]

DAY 3 NC

sorry forgot to post yesterday! Im doing fine with it.Like I said this is the second time at NC,he broke it first and even tho I was happy I finally heard from him,I realized after emailing back and forth for a week,that his initial contact wasnt really a good thing. He made me feel bad,he made it look as if i was out whoring around and that hurt my feelings.At first i took it as a joke,but he really did feel like I was doing that and it hurt,that he had such little respect for me.

The thing is,we had what you called an "open relationship" and ya'll may look down on me for it,but that is how we both chose to live,and it was in that lifestyle.

Anyway,when we were together we had a paid membership to this website,we were looking for a single female,for a long,ongoing friendship.Kind of like a gf to share.Well,after we broke up,we changed our profiles,and started looking seperatly.Ok so thats where this email comes in,he sees me on this site chatting alot,and he assumed I was out hooking up with guys I chatted with.This is just not so.I loved him so much,and always told him I could never be with something else.He knew this,thats why it hurt so bad when he said that to me.Its going to be awhile before Im able to date or anything like that.I want to make sure that Ive changed for good,I want to take this time to work on me,not chase guys.Anyways,I realized his emails werent good,even tho he broke contact.And thats not what I want. I want good emails.If hes not giving that to me,then I dont want to talk to him.So I started NC again.Im going to continue working on me,and not think about him.Its his choice if he wants to continue to assume. He still thinks it im sure,hes always checking my profile,and checking my my fb to see what im up too.O'well let him.With the way he acted after the break up,and all the comments,Im really starting to wonder If I really want him back!!

 

Also I want to add that since I have no real experience with normal healthy relationships other then this last one,Ive done so much research and reading articles and books on understanding men and how to have the relationship I want and deserve.I read that no matter who is to blame it takes 2 to make a relationship work,and 2 to make it fail.So Ive really tried and looked back and wrote it all down.And I honestly know that he made his share of mistakes as well,but with his ego and stubborness he will never acknowledge it.I dont think even with me changing and fixing my issues,if he dont work on himself,then no point in getting back together,cause it wont work.He thinks he done no wrong.But hes afraid of commitment,he dont communicate,he acts as if nothing bothers him,and he keeps crap in.He had lied to me,I caught him.He had such a bad marriage,she never allowed him to do anything or go anywhere without her.And always griped about it.So one day,he lied to me about going to the mall.I think he wanted to go by himself to buy a bday present for his daughter,and instead of just saying Im going to the mall and I want to go by myself he didnt. When I txtd him and asked what he was up too,he said he was running errands with his mom,well i was on my way to the store,which goes past his house,I saw there truck parked in the drive,so I assumed they were done I stopped to say hi to him and his mom,when she answered I,she always lets me in,asked for him she said she dropped him off at the mall,I was like uhhhh ok I said I just talked to him he said he was out with you running errands.She said he was,but I dropped him off when we were done,I was like ok let him know I stopped.So when i left I txtd him and asked if he was still running errands and he said yeah.So right then I knew he was lying.And couldnt understand why.I still dont.And i was like ok.I knew why it was cause his ex wouldve made a huge deal out of it.But he never even gave me a chance to react.He just assumed i wouldve gave him a hard time about it.Which I wouldnt have,I wouldve wondered why,but i wouldnt have cared.The thing is he didnt have to lie,plain and simple.I never thought he wouldve ever lied to me,which made me wonder if there was anything else he lied about.Then he turned it around and was mad at me saying he didnt like me just showing up unannounced to his house.Cause that is what i did that day,but I know if he had been home that day,he wouldnt have cared if I just showed up,he was just mad cause he got caught in a lie.So he made his mistakes,but not willing to own up to them like I did.Sorry so long,I tend to talk alot,which Im working on that lol soooo sorry

[Juliette ne pas]

Day 15

This is so hard, I have to talk to him daily about our children. I asked him to email, he wont, just tells the kids to hand me the phone when they are done talking. If I don't take the phone and act normal it negatively effects my children. It hurst so much, today I had to ask him to watch the kids so I could go to the hospital for more tests, he's happy to see the kids and has no thought of how stressed I am or how scared I am..... he seems content to move on, we've only been separated for two months, he says he loves me, says there is no one else, he laughs when I ask. Yet, he thinks it best if we stay separate, he is staying with my oldest son who is leaving soon, so my contact will my son has been affected as well. All this is not helping my health and the meds don't numb my mind....This stinks, I wish I could get over him as quickly as he has gotten over me Rosel

[danzman]

Day 19 - broke down on the motorway yesterday and had to get my car scrapped today, so feeling pretty bad anyway. Have been missing her terribly and would dearly love to text or email her to see how she is and what she is up to - but I know it would be a bad idea :S Whenever I feel nervous/tired/upset I desperately want to contact her for reassurance, will just have to be more self reliant and "manly" about it I guess...

[flatplane]

Err, day 0 again. Why does she keep texting me?

 

NC day 0

NIC day 3 or so.

 

Basically I had an interview, only a handful of people even knew, somehow it gets back to her and I get a good luck text. Strange. I wonder what her new bf makes of that. She must really want to stay my friend.

[lonelyheart2]

O it's really hard when they contact you flatplane. Hope your mind is in the right place and you are staying in control of your thoughts

A part of me wants my nc to last for a couple of months so I don't start thinking I have false hope but then another part of me obviously wishes that I didn't have to do that....Past couple of days I had such a big urge to contact him but luckily they see to have subsided today I'm thinking it's always bad when he's broken nc and then a week later I want to contact him, not sure why that is. I think it's when I start thinking about how distant I am from him and how this time could really be it, especially now that I'm not on facebook but then I lost him ages ago right? I have to stop the false hope...

[chrisbuilder]

Well, as my ex suggested twice to catch up next week when I'm near to her hometown, I waited two days so I don't appear to be too eager, and sent her a short message today saying that yeah, she can give me a call when I'm there when she wants to meet.

 

I'm betting there will be no call, because that would require *effort* on her behalf, plus that she would have to take a 30 minute train trip to come and see me (I'm obviously not going to make the journey to see her, not after spending 1000 plus euros on plane tickets to see her every time when we were still together!). So phonecall plus train journey, I'm betting that's too tall an order for miss too busy for anything except herself.

 

Time will tell, how exciting!

[jooj]

Day 2

He called today while I was at work, I didn't answer and it was extremely painful and difficult to resist the temptation to call him back and thankfully I didn't. I'm feeling guilty for ignoring him but I know this is what's best for me cuz he keeps hurting me over and over and he doesn't want to be with me while I want more, I can't be just friends with him or friends with benefits like he wants. I need to heal and get over him and I know that NC is the only way to do that.

[Love1336]

Day 1.

I couldn't tell you that I still love, and miss you.

Instead we had small talk.

I must say, I love how you... ask... if i was with anyone... It made me smile. I laughed. I didn't bother to answer that.

 

At least I didn't confess my dying love for you.

At least... I'm still in one piece.

 

When you said, "well I really have nothing else to say..."

It kinda broke my heart,but I didn't update on anything crazy.

 

I guess I gave you closure or at least some relieve.

 

Blah. Missing you hurts. A lot.

But hearing your voice... makes me happier.

 

You want me to call you again...

You want me to give you my new number.

 

At least I'm remembered as a good person... vs she-devil.

[lonelyheart2]

DAY 10 - Can definitely feel myself distancing from you, it feels odd, I can still remember everything but you just feel so far away. It scares me because I know that you probably think that to. What would be the point in reaching out to one another now? It's been far too long, it should already be in the past. I miss you, I miss what we had and I still think you were foolish for throwing that away but I guess I can't control that. I just wish I knew for certain if you were going...or even when you are going. Wondering if you'd ever bother to try and talk to me again, your contact has been so strange recently. I don't want to be ok with being friends, I don't think I'll ever be over you completely to ever be real friends again. I'll never find someone knew with you still hovering around in my life...perhaps you know that.

[transmit]

Day 2

restarted the clock after sending him an e-mail asking how he's been. He sent a brief reply, asked how I was. I replied again and he didn't. I won't take it personally if he never does. I'm glad to have the understanding that we are not on bad terms, but not in each other's lives either.

 

The thought of getting back together seems like a distant fantasy now. I still love him but I've let go and I'm no longer in pain. Things have been going well in my life. He influenced me in many good ways and was respectful of me in the breakup aftermath, and I sincerely wish him the best right now.

[lovebre]

Day 45/46

46 days of NIC/NC and feeling really good. Not quite sure yet but I may have reached acceptance, don't want to speak so soon though.