IAmPerfection

Coming up on a month of NC and I feel a ton better. She broke it twice to ask for trivial stuff back but I had someone else arrange for her to get them. I don't know if she's found someone else or how she feels but I'm happy with myself. I got a good paying job, I have 30+ girls texting me daily, and it's summer. I still think about her from time to time, and even have my moments where I miss a good memory that we shared. It just seems like what we she wanted wasn't doable for me. She doesn't need to have a ton of guy friends, and I don't need the stress of a girl that's been with so many guys and is completely unstable.

Day 6 You texted me today. I was looking at your tumblr and saw that your bipolar is on full blast. Low and behold, my phone vibrates and it's you, telling me how sorry you are for not talking to me, etc. Kiss. My. Ass. Talk to the guy you were kissing on this weekend. Let him laugh in your face when you tell him how you expect him to stay while you have a full blown panic attack. Meanwhile, I'm here thanking God that I dodged your crazy self before something crazy like marriage or a kid happened. Feels good. Might go out with a few girls this week.

Day 5 Just read a post of yours on tumblr and had my heart broken. You've apparently been kissing another guy, doing illegal things, etc. I'm so disappointed. I thought you were better than that. I really did. I at least thought I meant enough to you to wait. I guess not. You were promiscuous before and I thought I got you out of that phase. From what I read, you've gone back to being a * * * * . I hate myself for falling in love with you. I wish I would have just left you alone, because the hurt I feel right now is not worth the few good months we had. Today is going to be hard, I don't feel like living.

Day 4 Today started off early and very hard. I had a dream that you were talking to the guy you hurt me with in the first place. I woke up in a cold sweat, with the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss you a lot, but I have to be strong. It feels like you just lost everything for me and I don't understand. If I hurt you that badly, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, and I'm getting help. I really hope you're just taking some time to yourself to heal, because I want our love back. The laughs, the hugs, the kisses, the intimacy. All of it. I can't think of any of those things with anyone else. I will not text you until day 30, I hope I don't have to wait that long.

Day 3 I feel stronger today. I have therapy tomorrow and my medication is really calming me down. My paranoia and anxiety have died down a good bit, they were the main reasons we broke up. I still hope everyday that she'll text or contact me, but I don't know how I'd respond. I turned down a date last night, I'm not ready for that. This is the first week of NC for me, I know it will be hard. I technically initiated it but I didn't tell her not to contact. I guess it'll be a matter of whether she "wants" to talk to me without the obligation of easing her own guilt for hurting me. I doubt it though, she lost all of her feelings and cares for me rather quickly after the breakup. I wouldn't be surprised if she's already found someone else. I guess we'll see though. I'm going to keep working on myself, and maybe when I feel like I can maintain a healthy relationship, I'll get in touch with her. I don't want to "try again", I want to start fresh and have it be something new. Who knows if I'll ever get that shot? In the meantime, I'm taking it day by day.

Today is day 2. I went to bed early last night and woke up early this morning. I had multiple dreams of her, some good and some bad. I made the mistake of looking at her tumblr, and she had taken the sentence about having a wonderful boyfriend out of it. It hurt to see that, but I knew she would. She left the part about her currently struggling with her bipolar disorder in though, so it gave me a little hope that all this is coming from her bipolar. I hurt inside, but I am not going to contact her. This weekend is my little brother and sister's birthday weekend. They are 4 years old and twins. They share the same birthday with my ex. She is spending the weekend with 2 girlfriends from out of state. I am sure that they will assure her she made the right move in leaving me. I plan on going out and getting a haircut today, spending time with my family, and trying not to think about her. I plan on continuing therapy on Monday, continuing to take my medicine, and holding no contact for the next month or so. I'm still friends with 2 of her best friends on facebook and feel that if I can work on myself for the next couple weeks and get better on the things that hurt her in the first place, that I could maybe take her out to lunch and show her my improvement.

It sounds like you need to just talk to her and tell her how you feel. Don't come off as desperate, but stop giving so little. I know it's a little power game, but if you don't talk to her, hug her, etc. she's going to give up and move on. I don't think you should have lashed out at her for texting instead of calling, and I think you know that know. I know it's easy to snap when your feelings get hurt but you have to think of the reprocussions of doing that. Next time she does something like that, try to stay calm and just tell her that it bothers/confuses you when she says one thing and does another.

It sounds like you hurt her pretty badly. I don't know what you did to her but I think your best bet would be to give her some space. While she's hurt, she's going to take anything you say and just turn it into hate, so it ends up being you unintentionally giving her more things to be pissed about. Give her a chunk of time, actually work on yourself and try to identify everything you did to hurt her. After she's had some time to calm down, try to have a casual meeting with her. Try to be the "you" that she wants to see. Apologize calmly for the things that you did that hurt her. Tell her she is completely right to have been upset. Tell her you understand, and let her know that if she can find it in her heart to give you a shot at working things out, that you make the most of it. As for me. I don't WANT to move on. I WANT to work things out and have a great relationship with the girl the way I know in my heart that we could. It seems as though she either doesn't want that, or needs some time to get over the hurt before she can try. So I HAVE to move on. I know that I won't just stop loving her or thinking about her, and I know that if we talked that the feelings would come rushing back. But I have to come to terms with not being with her for the foreseeable future.

Day 1 for me, started at 5:42 EST. If you're interested in the full story, you can look it up by clicking my name I think. I love this girl with all my heart, made a fool of myself by begging for her to come back, and I feel like dying. She told me that she still loved me and misses me, etc. but avoided meeting or working on things. It got to the point today that when I asked if she wanted to be friends, she said that she didn't know. I asked why the love and everything she had for me had just suddenly died, and she said that she didn't know. I sent her a long text, telling her that I won't try to make her be my friend, girlfriend, or even a part of my life. I told her I was ashamed and embarrassed that I begged for her, and that I am moving on. I apologized once again for any hurt, anger, sadness, etc. that I'd caused her, and told her that I hope one day that the girl I fell in love with and the girl that gave me promises of forever will wake up and realize what she had. I told her that I love her regardless of how she feels about me. I ended it at that. I don't intend on texting/calling/seeing her for at least a month. I have things that I need to work on and I know that. I know at this point, because of my weakness, if she did contact me I'd probably cave. I'm going to do my best though; I doubt that it will even be an issue because it appears that every positive feeling she had towards me has died. I've deleted her on facebook, twitter, etc. and I will do my best not to get curious. The thought of her with another person turns my stomach If I don't hear anything from her in the next month, I plan on shooting her a friendly text asking how she's doing, and going from there. Who knows though? I just have to go one day at a time.