THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Moonchill]

You've got a good point there Janeiac

Anthony4: I didn't mean explaining why I went NC but more explaining my freak out. I feel like now he has got a very wrong image of me. I would love to have a good conversation about it but ,just as Janeiac said, chances of that happening are very very small.. But there is just a lot of misunderstanding in the air. That's bothering me. He experienced a side of me I'm not proud of.

[Janeiac]

Moonchill, I've been there. I couldn't bear leaving things with me a sniveling lunatic. All I wanted was for him to say, OK, I get it. I understand. Wasn't gonna happen.

It makes us feel embarrassed and ashamed. But we deserve people who don't make us feel that way. Trying to settle it is only inviting more hurt onto yourself.

This last go-round I've stuck to NC and believe me, I have a lot to say to X. But I'm way, way better off than in previous breakups where I was a blubbering fool for weeks or months. What I was doing before wasn't working for me, so I changed my behaviour. Nothing takes away the suckiness of rejection, but at least we can avoid making it worse.

NC is for us, to get calm and stable. Let it work.

[jonesyjakk]

man 6 days no contact!!!!!!

 

I went from moving out the last of my stuff last sunday, and watching her pack up our lives and move into a new flat.....monday....nc, tues, nc, a hard day, wed, nc not too bad, thurs nc, fri nc and then.............text..........she sends me this on my sat........."hi, everything ok, just letting you know my new address is......it's hard to get to and parking is bad so let me know if you wanna meet me somewhere to pick up your son"

 

Felt like she was saying i don't want you to come here yet so i thought....you know, im not gonna text you til tomorrow, on my terms, and i went 6 days nc, we never gone 6 days in 8 n half years, and you know it felt good.

 

I text her this morning, "drop him to me half 4 then, brill" she text back, "yes k, your work yeah?" i text back "yup"

 

That was that.......i felt crap after speaking to her i know i have to for my son but i wish i didn't have to speak to her ever again to be honestt. I went from feeling rubbish to feeling quite content with the last 2 n half months and was looking forward to seeing my boy.

 

I had nice clothes on, made sure my hair looked good, had nice aftershave on and waited in the car, she turned up..............

 

Man she had a frown.....she had a big bag of my stuff in the car.......i said is that mine then? she said yeah......then i put it in the car and took some other stuff, she seemed really awkward with me......i was smiling and happy and was like yeah no, no prob, then she was saying his eyes are bad and i put him in the car, i was laughing and joking with him and smiling. then she had a big frown and was like whats happening wed then? i said i just meet you here then half 8....she thought and paused and was like ok....then i went back to my son and she got in her car and drove off like she couldn't wait to get away from me...........

 

what was that about eh?????

 

when i have picked him up in the past, she has been like, who's that? it's daddy.....and been really ok with me i have been the one who has been off because i have been in so much pain.

 

Today, i felt like i was the one who had left her and she was really off with me. im not looking too much into it, wed she may be happy as larry but today i didn't get the vibe that she is doing great.....she may be fine, but to leave me with the impression she is pissed off and unhappy, man it felt good....and helped me, i'd have been gutted if she was really smiley and happy now she is in her new place.

 

So.......i feel good right now, been flirting with a girl at work too, i don't find her attractive but she's a great laugh and well it's nice to have someone show interest and help my self esteem at the mo.

 

So, whatever that was all about when i picked him.....great, nc from now til wed and there really shouldn't be a reason to text.....ever really unless there's a problem now....i'm quite happy having no texting and don't feel the need to contact her at all.

 

I did however...10 mins after seeing her want to text and just say are you ok? i mean i stil love her and care for her, and well if she's struggling great, if she just having a bad day, great, but i hope there's nothing actually wrong, if i pissed her off tough, i don't care, as long as there's nothing serious. then i thought, f""k her.....if there's a prob she'll tell me right.

 

Weird how it was tonight, weird how we've gone from texting all the time to now.....this. i'm happy right now, i'm ok.....nc really helps, it helps you heal, not nagging or begging her helps, my advice to all of you....nc HELPS YOU HEAL.....6 days of nc was great for many emotions many ups and downs but i did 6 days.....it was hard when we have never done that in nearly 9 years.

 

to all who are in pain here, i have never felt heart ache like this before in my life....but man i'm on the road to recovery, like a broken leg heals, a broken heart heals too.

 

I wish you all the greatest joy, smiles and happiness.....until contact day wednesday...........lets have some fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Jonesy

[ClarenceRutherford]

Everybody's getting older I am 21

....

I'd love to contact him.. I really feel we've got a lot to talk about. But it would hurt me so bad if I would spill it out and he would say "hmmm I'm not bothered with this at all.. I've moved on.. why are you still bothered with it? " or something.

 

*sigh* Letting go is so difficult

Moon, the dumper's moving on business is good insight.

You see what power he has over you?

 

Taking that attitude gives one more power than the one who loves the other a little more than the other loves him/her.

 

It's the push-pull strategy. Pull away and act disinterested like you could live without him/her and your partner gets worried and wonders what he/she did wrong. Soon, you find that partner drawn to you.

 

Gives you some new strength here and puts you in uncharacterstic control.

 

Oh, the things you read online (like NC) and wish you'd known when you got dumped years before the internet....

 

You know, I just had this very depressing insight. I was the one that screwed it up The only thing he really did was showing me how he felt.. He needed space. I was the one that freaked out right away BIG TIME. Now I really feel regret. I feel regret that I misunderstood him so bad! He asked me to take a step back and I couldn't do it. I was all like "you're breaking up with me aren't you.. why not tell me straight forward" and all.. I was the one breaking it up right away because I can't handle the grey area... If you guys know what I mean.. It's so hard to take a step back when you're in love with someone...

Amazing, Moon, how hindsight is 20/20 and you never pick up on this when it happens.

You're learning and won't do the same things in the future.

Imagine you'll also be less emotionally invested - or try to be - so when the eventual breakup comes, you'll be prepared and handle it much differently.

[ClarenceRutherford]

In the past I struggled to make contact with a recently-broken-up-with ex, and it's never gone well. Never. I know the feeling of frustration, of believing if only I could say my piece the other person and I could come to some sort of understanding, and I'd feel better. It doesn't happen. If the other person is feeling crowded or pushed, you've already said too much. The hardest thing to do is to leave it alone, but it's still the best thing.

Let's find our own dignity and be ready for our own futures.

+1

............

[ClarenceRutherford]

Man she had a frown.....she had a big bag of my stuff in the car.......i said is that mine then? she said yeah......then i put it in the car and took some other stuff, she seemed really awkward with me......i was smiling and happy and was like yeah no, no prob, then she was saying his eyes are bad and i put him in the car, i was laughing and joking with him and smiling. then she had a big frown and was like whats happening wed then? i said i just meet you here then half 8....she thought and paused and was like ok....then i went back to my son and she got in her car and drove off like she couldn't wait to get away from me...........

 

what was that about eh?????

Maybe she's having second thoughts.

I like however her seeing you in a diff. light. You're not as "down" as you used to be. This NC deal is helping improve you and your outlook and in the process, making you appear to be stronger.

 

So, whatever that was all about when i picked him.....great, nc from now til wed and there really shouldn't be a reason to text.....ever really unless there's a problem now....i'm quite happy having no texting and don't feel the need to contact her at all.

 

That's good, Jonesy.

[Jake_hope]

Day 9.

 

Been sitting around all day waiting if she would write me an email for my birthday, still nothing.

 

Most people are here because of a break up, and going NC because they want to heal and have hopes of getting back their ex. I went NC because I found out she was lying to me and there was another guy involved. She says she still loves me, and only likes the attention from the other guy and thats it. Im deciding to either fight for her or break up with her; on Day one I wanted to fight for her, fly to Russia and fight, but as this NC challenge goes on, its more like I want to break up with her. What would you guys do?

[jonesyjakk]

Jake.......another guy? alarm bells dude! if she loved you there'd be no other guy! why is your attention not good enough? another guy? there's millions of great girls out there dude! ones that would never need another guy because jake is what they want...........best for you to start working on letting go man, don't trust anyone who needs attention from another dude..........you should be all she needs.....!!!!

 

your choice, up to you what you do, me personally.....i'd be in the pub chatting to a new girl by now!

[apple89]

19 days

 

i dont think he will ever come back to me. i used to have some sort of hope, but i already let go of that

 

im good i mis him but overrall good

 

i kinda like this guy i found kinda cute when i was with my x... nothing serious bc idef dotn want a relationship at all at this point of my life, but he makes me feel good when im depressed over my x

[Jake_hope]

Jake.......another guy? alarm bells dude! if she loved you there'd be no other guy! why is your attention not good enough? another guy? there's millions of great girls out there dude! ones that would never need another guy because jake is what they want...........best for you to start working on letting go man, don't trust anyone who needs attention from another dude..........you should be all she needs.....!!!!

 

your choice, up to you what you do, me personally.....i'd be in the pub chatting to a new girl by now!

 

I guess my attention was not good enough because we are so far away, I mean we talked almost everyday. I'm not sure anymore, since this NC started it seems like she could care less. Its so out of her character, I thought she would be the one coming after me since she messed up, but I guess not.

[Janeiac]

Jake, I know it sucks even more to feel like the wounded party AND the other person is keeping distance and not showing any regret or making any apology. It just goes to show you that this person isn't someone who is going to make you happy. Take your money that you might have spent going to Russia and do something fun an interesting-- maybe a tropical resort, or buy yourself a present.

Enjoy your life for yourself, on your own terms. Take care of yourself!

[jonesyjakk]

i know it hurts man, im going through the pain too, but dude, ask yourself is this what you want.....dude find someone closer to home, someone you can spend night after night loving, and can love you back.....dude you deserve to be happy buddy...and you will be......let her go man....and be strong, smile and take some time for fun, when you're ready dude, go find your love that will be there night after night for you through thick and thin!

[crabman]

hey everyone, are you still doing the challenge??.. awesome!..

 

I used to do the challenge as well, it´s a good one.. but soon I realized, sitting every day on my computer and reading all (the great!) comments about how to get my girl back brings me not a step closer to my goal.. cause I kept focusing on her.. and I forgot focusing on ME..

 

you can read it here over and over again: the only chance to get your girl back is to let her go and concentrate on YOUR life.. the most important relationship you can ever have is the one TO YOURSELF.. get your life back on track, give your life a sense and build up a vision you can work on.. and maybe your ex will recognize it and she will love it and maybe she gets back to you.. more important: even better girls will recognize it and they will love you for it.. but you have to do it for YOU not for her.. women sense that!

 

I met my ex in a pub two days ago. the one who puts me down two years ago and let me write all the stuff in this great forum. we had a view drinks and had fun.. thats it! no bad feelings, nothing.. you know why? cause I met a even better one after her. and that´s just two girls in this BIG BIG world!..

 

sorry superdave, I love your posts, I really do, they helped me a lot! but keep CONCENTRATING on NC is not what we should do. NC better means stop thinking about her over and over again and WALK ON..

 

 

it´s good to be here again!..

[Helpmetoheal]

Day 7 - Had a hard time falling alseep and staying asleep last night again! It was nice to see you yesterday, you were polite and said Hello. I am proud of myself that I returned the gesture to you in the same manner. A quick hello and kept on walking. Thank you for acknowledging my daughter as well. Whats weird is that I felt great the rest of the day, like somehow it was a signal from you that missed me and maybe there is hope. But its probably all in my twisted thinking. You could have called or texted but you didn't. I still think about you CONSTANTLY, I miss you terribly and my heart aches. Why does it have to be like this??? I just want to go back to normal. I love you.

[Janeiac]

Day 19

Helpmetoheal, I don't know why it has to be like this. I know what you mean about wanting to have things back to normal. But that's a magical wish, and we have to live in reality.

The reality is, we need to focus on ourselves.

I'm getting ready to start a new excercise program. By summer I'll be looking and feeling good in a bathing suit and I'll be having a great time.

[gradstudent88]

DAY 1

 

So I guess I inadvertently started the NC Challenge with my ex. We broke up back in October because someone else came into the picture, which served as the catalyst for other minor, pre-existing problems. We still lived together and tried the whole "let's still be friends" thing -- major fail. He messed with my head a bit over winter break, but he's still in that confused, I don't know what I want period. So we decided that it would be best, regardless of what happens with us, for him to move out, which he did this weekend. We spent the weekend together, and I said goodbye to him last night. We agreed to make it a clean break, focus on ourselves, and reassess in a month and see where we're both at.

 

SO today is the first day of NC. Granted it's just the morning, but I already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to worry about seeing him in the apartment or overanalyzing how he's acting or wondering what he's thinking. I can go and come as I please and, for once, really focus on myself. I know that there will be rough days, but, in the long run, this is the best decision for us. Whatever happens, happens. So here's to a good month!

[Jake_hope]

DAY 10-

 

Yesterday after waiting most of the day if she would send me anything for my birthday, she didn't. I celebrated my birthday with my family and we had a big dinner and watched the superbowl. I would go to the computer and keep checking my email all day; I already decided that I should move on and let go. I was going to go see her in Russia, but taking Janeiac advise I should spend that money on something else. I got desperate last night and asked a buddy of mine who is mutual friends with her on FB to read me off some of her latest fb status updates, because the reason I deleted her off FB in the first place cause those status updates really upset me. When I deleted her off FB two days ago it was when I started to contemplate to let her go. Anyways, my buddy told me her latest status update said "happy birthday baby". After he told me that it really put me at crossroads again, she knows I'm not able to see her FB but yet she still wrote it. I'm not sure what to do now, but today I dont feel sad, I dont feel unhappy yet I dont feel happy for the fact she wrote happy birthday. I just feel indifferent; I tried to let out some emotions, but nothing.

[anthony4]

Day 15. thought i heard the phone ring while in the shower. nope. it will get better... it will get better...

[Love1336]

I can make myself sad right now and look at your facebook, but i'm choosing not to.

[gez2705]

I've been to my see my couceller today and where chatting as you do in councelling LOL

 

today he mentioned and briefly discussed a psycologist called Viktor Frankl so I came home and googled him and have ordred his book I also googled some of his quotes and this one struck me as apt for this thread

 

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves "

 

I Think this describes NC well and why you should do it

[Moonchill]

Day 22

 

Not a good day. Not only do I miss him, the thing I miss more was the way I was while being in love with him. Full of energy and creative. Exploring and happy... He said I had this special glow...

I feel like I just lost that glow.. I want it back..

I know I can be this way being single too but to be honest right now that seems like.. it's so far away from how I am and feel right now.

But nagging about it and doing nothing against it doesn't help , I know, but I just feel like nagging

[Mrs Popsicle]

I've been to my see my couceller today and where chatting as you do in councelling LOL

 

today he mentioned and briefly discussed a psycologist called Viktor Frankl so I came home and googled him and have ordred his book I also googled some of his quotes and this one struck me as apt for this thread

 

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves "

 

I Think this describes NC well and why you should do it

 

Can I just say gez that I rea Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl and it is an awe-inspiring book! I was bowled over by the mans attitude in the face of such suffering, he truly was the living example of how we can choose our attitudes in times of hardship. That book stayed with me a long time

[Mrs Popsicle]

Day 22

 

Not a good day. Not only do I miss him, the thing I miss more was the way I was while being in love with him. Full of energy and creative. Exploring and happy... He said I had this special glow...

I feel like I just lost that glow.. I want it back..

I know I can be this way being single too but to be honest right now that seems like.. it's so far away from how I am and feel right now.

But nagging about it and doing nothing against it doesn't help , I know, but I just feel like nagging

 

Ah yeah Moonchill, I do miss that glow Try to remember though that that glow came from YOU, it is something from within you-it's not something that I get often, but I have had it when single too, where everything is just awe inspiring. You might be feeling down right now, but he hasn't taken that away from you.

Was pondering on this the other day actually,was listening to 'I'll be your mirror'

 

'll be your mirror

Reflect what you are, in case you don't know

I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset

The light on your door to show that you're home

 

When you think the night has seen your mind

That inside you're twisted and unkind

Let me stand to show that you are blind

Please put down your hands

'Cause I see you

 

(and I managed to listen to it without bursting into tears, go me!!

[Helpmetoheal]

Moonchill- I couldn't have said it better myself!

Day 22

 

Not a good day. Not only do I miss him, the thing I miss more was the way I was while being in love with him. Full of energy and creative. Exploring and happy... He said I had this special glow...

I feel like I just lost that glow.. I want it back..

I know I can be this way being single too but to be honest right now that seems like.. it's so far away from how I am and feel right now.

But nagging about it and doing nothing against it doesn't help , I know, but I just feel like nagging

[Helpmetoheal]

Day 8 - Finally slept last night, thank you Unisom! Yesterday was was neither here nor there. Your mom called and invited me out for coffee. We had a nice visit, talked about you very little. She is being supportive of my healing, and you know I appreciate it so much as I don't have my mother on earth anymore. Just wondering when she'll leave me too?? Probably more than I can bear honestly. Try not to think about that. I still can't stop missing and loving you. The thoughts of you and I and our life together consume me. I am trying to work on myself and keep my idle time to a minimum but its hard when you don't have a job to go to, friends to spend time with. I wish I could get back the energy I had, the good positive energy that you always said attracted you to me. Getting harder to put on that brave face or keep my chin up like everyone is telling me to do.