lilsmc Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 my boyfriend told me that his friend from arizona was coming to jersey to celebrate his birthday. At first i was like okay, that's fine. But then he said she was staying for a little less than a week AT HIS HOUSE. I right away told him that i didnt think it was a good idea because she is a girl (very pretty one) and i have trust issues with him. after hours of arguing, we agreed to put her in a hotel. But he asked me to at least come with him to the airport to pick her up and get to know her. I met her, she's a very nice girl and the first thing she said to me was "OMG I heard so much about you, so nice to meet you" We went to grab dinner and after getting to know her, i figured she could stay at his house for the night. The next day was his party and everything went well , we all had a lot to drink so she stayed over as well. Sunday comes, and she is still there. My boyfriend took her to the store cuz she wanted to cook for us. I really wasnt feeling so good so i stayed home. They came back from the grocery store and they went straight to the kitchen to cook. They were all laughing and talking. THey would talk mostly in english but sometimes she'd talk to him in polish and he'd talk back to her. I was jealous and felt so threaten by her. She is only staying here for 3 more days, but i honestly dont think it is appropriate for her to have to stay with him at his house. It is seriously driving me crazy and i dont know what to do. I just told him that i still dont think its a good idea for her to stay with him and he needs to do something about it. But i honestly dont know what he will do. Can you guys please help me. Do you think its okay for her to stay with him all these days? He says they have been family friends for over 10 yrs and he sees her as a sister, but i still cant help but to feel jealous about this. I know she is seeing someone here in jersey and he's been at the house twice already, but that still doesnt take away the fact that she sleeps at his house and it really makes me uncofortable.I really dont want her to stay wit him. HELP!!! Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 is this friend an ex girlfriend, or have they always been JUST FRIENDS? Link to comment
lilsmc Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 they have always just been friends. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Then I don't see a problem with it. Link to comment
anggrace Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I too have a very close male friend and before I was married, he would stay at my house when he was in town. My boyfriend knew about it and said he was okay with it, so I didn't see the problem. But if I could go back, I wouldn't of let it happen. NO boyfriend or girlfriend would be completely comfortable with their s.o. having a close friend of the opposite sex staying with them. Even if the trust is there. Out of respect for him, I should of had the friend stay at a hotel. Your boyfriend is not seeing it that way though. He thinks that since he's not technically doing anything wrong, he shouldn't have to bend to your requests. In my opinion, this is not what happens in a true partnership. Link to comment
lilsmc Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 thank you. I dont want to have to be so pushy about this subject but i dont know what else to say to him. If he decides to do nothing about it and keep her there, i will feel so insulted and hurt by it. But thanks for ur comment. Link to comment
alli Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Are you staying at his house as well or do you have your own place & go home? I think if you are also staying at his house it is not a big deal. If you guys had her stay in a hotel right from the start, that would have been the best. But now it's been 3 days & she's only got 3 days left, it might seem weird that she is suddenly shuttled off to a hotel. Was she ever informed that she would be staying at a hotel? If so, the hotel might be an acceptable solution since she already knows. You said you have trust issues with him. Is that because he has done something to violate your trust? Or you just have these jealous/nontrusting feelings despite the fact that he has done nothing wrong? That also makes a difference. My bf & I live together and if he had a female friend that was visiting for a while, I would be ok with her staying here in our extra room. However, if I was going to be out of town while this was going on, I would have her stay in a hotel. I don't have trust issues & he has done nothing to make me question his faithfulness. It's just a matter of appropriateness. If you are leaving and she is planning on staying there... uhh, no. Link to comment
lilsmc Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 he has been unfaithful to me once in the past, which is the reason i have trust issues with him. I have my own place but i have been staying with him since she got there. I usually always stay at his house over the weekends anyways. However, today i am working and then i have class, so i most likely will stay at my place. He told me that if it made me feel better that i should just stay over his til she leaves. When i first told him that i did not want her to stay over, he right away told me i was acting crazy and controlling. I dont think i am, i just think that no matter how good friends they are, there will always be temptation and the idea of him hurting me again really kills me Link to comment
alli Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I don't think it's crazy and controlling. I completely trust my bf and I would NOT be happy with another woman staying here when I would not be home. He sees it from his perspective... she is his friend. But I bet he would feel the same if the situation was reversed and you had some male friend staying at his house. One of the best ways to see if you ("you" generically) are being reasonable & doing ok things is to think if the situation was reversed. How would you like it if your SO did what you are doing (meaning, how would your bf like it if you had a guy stay at your house) That should help your bf to see your point of view. It might be a hassle, but if she is going to stay at his house, I would, too. For your own peace of mind. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Well, given his history of cheating I understand where you are coming from. Just keep staying there until she leaves, and the next time, tell him you're not comfortable with her staying in the house. Let her get a hotel. He already cheated on you once, so he should be MORE than willing to accommodate your wishes. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I dont think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't like it either. What I don't understand is if she is seeing someone who lives in Jersey and he has been to visit, why isn't she staying with him? Link to comment
lilsmc Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 thanks so much for all ur great advice. I dont know why she is not staying with him. He has come by the house to see her everyday since she got here. I actually texted my boyfriend this morning wondering what he will do about this situation. that was at 8am and it is now 620pm and have not heard from him at all. I am so upset and crying my eyes out because i could only think of the worst. Link to comment
o Truth o Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Hmm.... Real friends know better than that. That shouldn't even be a suggestion to stay overnight. Link to comment
savignon Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 My fiancee is from another country and if he had a female friend coming to visit, I would trust him 100% with her staying with him. I would further think it would be silly for her to stay in a hotel and spend that kind of money when she could stay with him/us. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel and many people have said they'd feel the same way. You've made a reasonable request and I think it's great that you know yourself well enough to speak up for yourself and hold him accountable since he's hurt you previously. I can only offer that sometimes a person who's not typically jealous may have a hard time seeing what the problem is or find the suggestion that their life-long friend get a hotel room unreasonable. That being said, you had a discussion and he agreed to the hotel idea and then went back on it. Keep speaking up for yourself and see if he can understand where you're coming from and act accordingly. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 thanks so much for all ur great advice. I dont know why she is not staying with him. He has come by the house to see her everyday since she got here. I actually texted my boyfriend this morning wondering what he will do about this situation. that was at 8am and it is now 620pm and have not heard from him at all. I am so upset and crying my eyes out because i could only think of the worst. Well it doesn't seem like he is doing all he can to reassure you, and he should be given the circumstances. He is probably just avoiding the question though because he doesn't want to have to get into it again. When is she due to leave? Link to comment
Rose21 Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 You have every right to feel this way, EXPEC since hes cheated on you in the past! I would be furious with him! I trust my boyfriend, but I would NOT be okay with having a girl stay with him, neither would he for that matter. And if his friend is REALLY a friend, wouldn't she be more respectful of your feelings? I would feel quite akward if I were her. I wouldn't want to impose and make the girlfriend of my good family friend feel uncomfortable, and thats EXACTLY what she isnt doing. I think something is fishy. He hasn't called you since the morning?? Aw mann...I'm sorry I hope everything goes well. You should just tell him enough is enough and she should finish out her stay in a hotel. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 If she has been staying that long then it would be very rude of him to now throw her out. If they have been platonic friends for a long time then there is nothing wrong with it..and he has certainly been doing his best to make you feel comfortable about it. I understand that he cheated before...but you made the choice to stay with him and trust him...and he is doing everything in his power to assure you that nothing is going on between him and his long-time PLATONIC friend. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 If she has been staying that long then it would be very rude of him to now throw her out. If they have been platonic friends for a long time then there is nothing wrong with it..and he has certainly been doing his best to make you feel comfortable about it. I understand that he cheated before...but you made the choice to stay with him and trust him...and he is doing everything in his power to assure you that nothing is going on between him and his long-time PLATONIC friend. Agree with this... Link to comment
lilsmc Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 thank you guys. this past week has been very hard on me. She is obviously still staying at his house (tomorrow is her last day!) and i have gotten to know her and she is a very nice sweet person. What really hurts me the most is that after telling my boyfriend how i felt about her staying over from the very beginning, he did not take my feelings and thoughts into consideration. I brought it up to him again last night. I said "i dont mind if she stays here, but what really upsets me is the fact that you didnt care much for what i had to say in this" and he FLIPPED out on me. He said he felt he was doing her a favor for staying at his house and that i was making him feel pressured and stressed out. He was so mad that he started drinking so much and got extremely drunk. We had made plans to go out wit his friend and my friends to a local bar, so he kept drinking the whole night. He got so nasty with me and started saying really mean things and even said he no longer wanted to be with me and just like that broke it off. So now i dont know if that was just the alcohol talking or if that is what he really wants. I dont know what to think. I am just very thrown off with all that is happening. Link to comment
alli Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Wow, that sucks. How long have you guys been together? I'm sorry it snowballed into this; hopefully he will calm down and you guys can talk about it... but I have a feeling he will only be seeing this from his perspective. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 If this is how he handles upset and anger then let him go. This is a very CHILDISH way of handing conflict and if you allow him back into your life it will eventually happen again when you upset him. Link to comment
lilsmc Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 we have been together for a little over a year. He does only see it his way and he says that all his friends agree with him. I'm just so fed up with all that has been happening, so maybe it is a better decision to go our separate ways =( thank you all again for all Link to comment
mca1975 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 If she has been staying that long then it would be very rude of him to now throw her out. If they have been platonic friends for a long time then there is nothing wrong with it..and he has certainly been doing his best to make you feel comfortable about it. I understand that he cheated before...but you made the choice to stay with him and trust him...and he is doing everything in his power to assure you that nothing is going on between him and his long-time PLATONIC friend. Very good advice there from CrazyaboutDogs, I totally agree with this. I think it's just one of those things that you have to grin and bear, but it really does sound like they are just friends. I doubt very very much that he would be cheating with this girl, with you knowing about her staying and even being there a lot yourself, it just does not look like that is, in any way, on the cards at all. I think you are just letting your thoughts run away with you. I would still feel a bit funny about it myself though, but I wouldn't really think that I had the right to make her stay in a hotel if they had known each other for years since they were little. Just stay with them until she leaves in this case. Link to comment
lady00 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I would not be comfortable with this at all if I had a bf and he did this even if he had never cheated on me. I find it disrespectful to the relationship. But now she's already been there for a few days, he can't send her off. Link to comment
rambocommander Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Well, of course she stayed at his place for so long because they were having sex. If she is so beautiful, there is nothing else which could happen. And she was nice to you so that you allow her to stay with him in the first place. And the guy is obviously feeling that she is more sexy than you, that is why he is having sex with her. Link to comment
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