BREAKING ALL THE RULES

GeeCee · March 14, 2004

Hopeful - no I don't feel bad about sleeping with my ex - lovely sex and good company. However, I think that Beec, Majord and Spatz were looking at it from his angle only, and I understand where they are coming from. There is no doubt in my mind that the two of us find each other attractive and want a physical relationship - I know that and he knows that - would it not have been much less predictable if I had said no to sex - he most definitely would not have expected that! I think that Majord is right, he would have wondered about that!

However, I do not regret it at all. No-one asked for or offered any promises. I Hope that if the situation presented itself again, however, that I would not do the same thing. Although the difficulty is that for one or other of you, or even both of you, it may represent a level of comfort and communication that you are both only too willing to grab.

Hopeful you and I both know that sex is not a one-way communication/ fulfillment. And I need that emotional/physical fulfillment as much as him. The point has been made that my ex could gain too much power from this sexual encounter, if I am available for him sexually, no matter what the terms. But I can't deny that I, too, had a sense of power.

Hopeful, you have to do what feels right for you at the time.

Good luck.

G xx

P.S. No calls, no texts, no emails - Day 4 of NC - how bloody dull!!!

GeeCee · March 14, 2004

So ... my football team (Spurs) won, and Michael Owen didn't even manage to score a penalty. I should feel happy, but instead left feeling very flat and vulnerable. Questioning whether this is worth it.

Of the six billion people in the world, who says he is the only one for me? Want to phone, want to text, and want to email. But know that I shouldn't and can't. Starting to feel angry with him, and he's done nothing wrong.

But I much prefer anger to self-pitying.

How was your weekend Spatz? Any news?

Beec, perhaps you will send some pearls of wisdom accross the Atlantic to cheer me up?!

G xx

P.S. This will pass - shall hopefully be back on track tomorrow.

spatzcolumbo · March 14, 2004

My weekend was great - i was at the match watchin Michael Owen miss the penalty, so i'm happy happy happy!!!

No more news from the ex - i haven't texted her at all, although I thought about it after the game because we used to go to games together.

But i managed not to. I'm still pleased about the messages from the other night, although the initial high has obviously gone down a bit now, and i'm thinking maybe she is just being 'friends'. But even that is a big step up from where i was before!!

Keep going with the no contact Geecee. It's worth it.

Spatz

GeeCee · March 14, 2004

I am struggling with this Spatz, and it doesn't make it any easier that you can't swear on this &^%£ing site!!! I am a great believer in swearing.

I am pathetic - I look on this site and there are people stating that they are on Day 30, 40 and 66 of no-contact. I am merely on Day 4 and it is killing me. Feeling really bad in the last couple of hours. Don't mean to belittle people having problems with drugs, but am feeling like a drug addict in need of a fix, and the only high I will get is from him contacting me.

Really feeling wretched. He will never call, never text, never email. And I shall be left to decay and whither away like Miss Haversham!!

He has no idea. No &^%$ing idea.

Glad to hear about you Spatz. Of course, you don't know what is going through her mind - or what she wants from you. However, you do know that she was thinking about you enough to make those texts. Keep that knowledge in your mind as you feel the temptation arising.

Tomorrow shall, no doubt, bring more twists and turns to our roller-coaster emotional ride.

G xx

February · March 14, 2004

GeeCee it definitely is a roller coaster. Hang in there. BTW guys, what are your thoughts on calling on the birthdays? My ex's is next Wed. St. Patty's Day and I am so nice, I wanted to call (I will try when I think he is not there) and leave a vm saying Happy Birthday. Bad idea? Let me know, you are the experts and what you all say I go with.

GeeCee · March 14, 2004

I hate this so much - will not be able to do it for much longer.

Feel very very vulnerable and hopeless.

G xx

majord23 · March 14, 2004

I hate this so much - will not be able to do it for much longer.

Feel very very vulnerable and hopeless.

G xx

GeeCee,

I am sensing that you are going to contact him shortly…so I want to remind you of something and also set you a (realistic) mini-challenge.

Remember this: He has not been able to last more than 10 days without contacting you

I suggest you wait until day 11 (you're half-way there already!)…and if you still feel the same then by all means contact him.

Contacting him now may make you feel (momentarily) better…but what if he doesn't respond immediately? Or what if he doesn't respond at all? That aint gonna make you feel better at all hunny. On the other hand, imagine how brilliant you are going to feel if *he* contacts *you* first!!!!!

11 days babes….push him beyond his comfort zone….personally I don't think that he'll last that long.

C'mon GeeCee – we all know that you can do it, and you know you can do it!! You have to break the cycle GeeCee.

GeeCee · March 14, 2004

Majord - so glad that you are back - where do you go, my lovely!!!!

What madness this is - we are starting to get to know each other. How bizarre. Yes, you are right - am wilting, and feeling rather dramatic and pathetic.

You have given me the willpower to survive tonight, because you are right, was finding it particularly difficult tonight. Very difficult all day. Last night went out to a club - had a really good time - great time. Lots of dancing - I love dancing and great music. Fair amount of drinking. But you look around you and it's scarey when you look at a couple of thousand people and not one of them makes your head spin and you think - OMG!!!

So, I think my sadness today was brought on by that. Next weekend, I am staying in!!!

Majord you have given me some strength tonight - aargh - I will go to bed - to toss and turn and wonder some more.

I will do my very best to continue until Day 11.

G xx

P.S. I was curious Majord and looked back at an old post of yours, detailing your break-up with your ex - what is the situation for you now, and how do you feel? You are very giving in your posts, and I wondered who was helping you? In fact I have wondered the same about Beec.

Night guys.

GeeCee · March 15, 2004

Ever seen Whatever Happened to Baby Jane - I would play a very convincing lead role right now!! Would only need five minutes in hair and make-up to look demented!

How do you do this NC? It bothers me that it is so reactionary. I am proactive and this sitting back and waiting for someone else to make decisions for you is bollocks. Plus, beause we have waited for the messages for so long, by the time we get them, we start reading a whole lot more into them than is actually intended.

How are you G suddenly becomes I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I am OK means My life is meaningless without you.

Take care means Can you piss off and leave me alone.

You know what I mean - we read what is not there. Because we have waited so long for some contact, we want to make it worth the wait.

I am worried about myself - am starting to sound like poor Rick and MarkM and KathyK, and it is not in my nature to whine and moan like this (I don't mean that rudely - just don't usually think of myself as Poor Gayle). Would much rather shout and scream at him. Would prefer to hit him!!! And throw in a few expletives for good measure. Tell him he is an idiot and a fool! That would make me feel a little better. How can a person be so indecisive and send so many mixed messages? I want to see you - I cannot commit to you - I miss you - I think of you - I can't see where this is going!!! Aargh. Can you imagine how he runs his house - starts considering whether to put the rubbish out on Monday, and finally commits to a decision on Thursday. Shall I have Chinese or Indian food? By the time the decision has been made, the restaurants are closed and he has to have KFC anyway!! Red or white wine? Just have a whisky to save the aggravation!! Bloody hell. Maybe if I talk like this for long enough, I will talk myself out of wanting him?!?!

Sorry for this diatribe of nonsense. I will not be offended if you decide to ignore this post, on the basis it has been written by a madwoman. In fact, I would appreciate it - would be a very British thing to do - brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened, which would spare me my blushes when I come back to my senses!!

G xx

P.S. Spatz - was thinking about you last night in bed - think that this is going to be a difficult time for you - you might be feeling flat after the initial exhiliration. Hang in there and you will see her soon. Don't spoil all your carefully laid groundwork now.

P.P.S. Majord - Day 5 of Day 11 of your challenge.

spatzcolumbo · March 15, 2004

I agree with the guys Geecee,

I think you need to hold out a bit longer. Don't give in. It happens each time i have noticed - you do so well up to a point, and then once you reach that breaking point, you give in and contact. Remember how i felt on Friday when she contacted me? It's a good feeling to have. really good. Why not give it a few days and see what happens. It's not the weekend any more so you should be able to keep busier during the day.

I had an ok weekend - didn't hear anything else from her after Friday. I'm not feeling as great now. majord was right, this time is hardest. I really feel like contacting her because it almost feels like i have made a breakthrough. However, whilst i enjoyed the fact that i got 2 nice messages on Friday, i am trying to remain realistic by convincing myself that they don't mean anything. But there is always part of me that wants to believe that it is a sign she is slowly coming back, but taking things slowly and cautiously. I argue with myself about whether she is just happy that we can be 'friends', or whether her term alone at uni has resulted in nothing, and she has started thinking about the possibility of giving it another go. Then i debate whether if this were the case, would she not be making things more obvious?? Would she not have returned my call, or messages me more??

Beec suggests i might call her this week before she gets home, so that i can get her to suggest meeting up over Easter. However, after the messages on Friday, i am again wondering whether to give her a few more days to see whether she will chase some more. This might give me a better idea of whether she IS slowly and cautiously testing the water, or whether i am reading too much into her messages.

Any thoughts?

GeeCee · March 15, 2004

Spatz

Thanks for yours. I am in agreement - am trying desperately hard not to cave. Aargh the torture!!

I agree Beec (I seem to always agree with Beec), especially since the two texts on Friday. What are you wanting - I don't think that you are wanting her to desperately be texting, emailing, calling. I would think that it would be a good, friendly gesture to call her up at the end of the week and state that you will be in town and it would be good to catch up. Have no doubt, she might not be saying it, but she sure as hell is thinking it. Obviously, I don't know what her motivation is - relatinship or friendship - but I am sure that she is thinking it. You have been an integral part of her life. At the most basic level, she must retain some curiosity? So, why not take the plunge and call her up, keeping it light and friendly. It just gives her a chance to see that the door is not closed off for a relationship.

You are doing soooooo well - much better than me!! Really willing you through this hurdle. You will do this, and feel stronger for it. Remember, on the last few occasions she has been the one to make the move, and you have not come back at her pushing for more. So, she might well be wondering.... which is what you are aiming for.

Talk later.

G xx

spatzcolumbo · March 15, 2004

Geecee, you seemed to somehow read my mind in your earlier post - i took so long posting that you posted before me:

you might be feeling flat after the initial exhiliration. Hang in there and you will see her soon. Don't spoil all your carefully laid groundwork now.

Exactly how i feel!!

on the last few occasions she has been the one to make the move, and you have not come back at her pushing for more.

Well on Friday, i replied to her two messages - the first i replied to just to ask which CD she was listening to, and the second i replied to just to say "have a good night and hi to everyone". No reply to that, so she ended the text convo that time!! Which is not ideal, but still, not too worried about it.

I jsut wish i could figure it out. I wish i could figure out what it means. This IS the most frustrating part because just when i finally feel i could be making progress, i am also aware how easily it could all blow up in my face!! I have to work out how to play it next week to maximise my chances of coming out of this with the result i want!

I really wish i knew whether this meant anything or not. Damnit!!

majord23 · March 15, 2004

GeeCee,

You are not mad, you are normal….it is the situation that is mad.

It's a bit of a vicious circle too. You go out on weekends to make yourself feel better, inevitably end up missing your ex, wake up tired and hungover which makes you feel worse….probably don't sleep the best that night and then wake up even more tired and more emotional on a Monday morning with the prospect of facing another week at work.

I'm guessing that you're probably feeling a bit run down at the moment and that will always affect the way you feel emotionally. d up, huh?

It will get better, but you have to allow time to pass in order for that to happen. You may feel as though you are half-way down a slippery-slide to oblivion but if you re-start the cycle (contacting him), then all you are doing is taking yourself back to the top of that slide….and it will only be a matter of time before the ride starts again.

You're doing well babes, hang in there and he will contact you.

You asked where I am at the moment. Well, I'm doing ok. I've been seeing a girl for about a month and things are going well. She is a bit of a commitment-phobe (as am I) so things are moving slowly (emotionally…hell, we all have physical needs! ) which is a new experience, but at the same time a positive one.

I am in a bit of an awkward situation in that I am good friends with my ex's family….we all met up on Saturday night and usually on these occasions my ex doesn't come….I haven't seen her in well over a year. Well, right up until the last minute I faced the prospect of her being there with her BF. She (apparently) was apprehensive because she was worried that her siblings would be "all over me" and ignore her BF (they don't like him)….but I was told that she would come along nonetheless. In the end, she pulled out and I assume that it was because she found out that my new girl was tagging along. Such relief!! (would have been quite awkward for all concerned methinks).

Ended up having a great night and my new girl got along with everyone (bonus points to her for more than one reason).

I suspect that if my ex has only just found out about my situation that I may receive some contact in the not-too-distant future….but she has burnt her bridges as far as I am concerned and I have no desire for any kind of relationship with her – not even friendship.

To answer your other question, I didn't really have anyone help me through my situation….I just lived through it and learnt a lot by looking back and seeing my mistakes. I have also worked in a female-dominated profession for quite a few years and have helped friends through break-ups and in some cases reconciliation's. I've found it really helpful in that I get a female perspective on just about everything….more than any psychology degree could give me that's for sure!

spatzcolumbo · March 15, 2004

Hey majord,

Your opinions?? Should i call her this week before she comes home as beec and Geecee suggest, or do i wait for her to make another move as she did on Friday and her birthday last week??

It is now the last 3 occasions where she has initiated contact, although 2 of these don't really count as they were thanking me for receiving birthday presents, and thanking me a few days later when actually opening birthday presents...But still, three occasions when i have not initiated!!

Your thoughts Majord??

majord23 · March 15, 2004

Hey spatz,

Just on my way out, so sorry for the quick reply.

It's completely your call bro. As long as you can remain aloof there shouldn't be a problem at all.

Always take the worst-case-scenario into consideration before taking action though mate.

How will you react if she takes a few hours to reply? Or a day? Or not at all?

You don't feel too bad at the moment and you are risking losing that sense of security.

If you are truly ready to face that prospect, then go for it!

GeeCee · March 15, 2004

Thanks Majord - I like your story - like the fact that you and your GF are taking your journey slowly and waiting to see where it gets you.

You are kind - of course I am demented - but you are too kind to admit to it.

Will continue to resist the temptation for as long as possible. Feel like a demon hamster - scrabbling but getting nowhere. Of course this will pass - one day I might stop bitching. In the meantime, thanks you guys for not telling me how utterly boring and repetitive I have become.

No sex is no fun either - might create a diversion if I take a tour round Anne Summers and stock up!!! This is the scariest thing - was looking around and thinking OK it would provide some relief to have a little bit of sex on Saturday night - but no - am currently in such a pathetic state could not even have a meaningless 'this means nothing' shag!! Oh my god what has become of me? Becoming like one of those old black and white films. Suspect I shall have to sell up and move to Bournemouth and join the blue-rinse brigade and sit talking about how vivacious and gorgeous I was once; how there was a time when men fell at my feet. The rest of the inmates will nod knowingly at each other and mutter 'Yeah right!' And then they will give us our drugs.

Spatz - you are doing fine - I still think that you have followed the rules religiously, you have not initiated contact, she has done that on the last three occasions. Now you are in a position where you can up the ante, and you can make that call. See what Majord and Beec say, but I really do think that this would be the way for you to go now.

G xx

spatzcolumbo · March 15, 2004

Well i was just reading some other posts and came accross a thing about commitment phobes. I've thought about it before, but on reading the link in the post (link removed) it made me realise how much of it is true to our relationship. Not all of it, not by any means, but a number of things that were said point to her being a CP. One of the main things was the word 'trapped'. that was one of the last things she said to me during the 'begging pleading' stage - that it scared her that we were so serious and that she didn't want to feel trapped.

So now i got to thinking that it makes me angry that i was just a CP victim!! I know that her 3 previous boyfriends all lasted for about a year, and then she dumped them, presumably for similar reasons. It is blatantly obvious she is a CP, but i don't know how this affects the situation and how it should be played.

She told me during the relationship how much more amazing the relationship was than her others, and how much stronger she felt. But now i start wondering how much of that was about the Commitment Phobe issue!!!

If she really did feel that way, then i have a better chance of getting her back...i just don't want to end up like her other exs!!

Gotta get my head straight!!!

i think i may have told her before (again during the begging pleading stage) that she is a CP!!

GeeCee · March 15, 2004

Presumably you won't be making that mistake again!!

This is all a learning curve, Spatz, whatever happens, we will all have learned something from this stage in our lives. Thank God - I think I am regaining some of my sanity.

Onward and upward!

G xx

spatzcolumbo · March 15, 2004

...you know what...i don't mind about calling her a CP...i called her a coward too for running away from such a good thing. I got angry with her, and called her some bad things (and apologised too), which i DO regret doing, but i guess it makes no difference now - the important thing is what is happening now...as you have said, whatever it means, SHE is contacting ME. This has to be a good sign.

I just hope so much that something actually happens if we go out for a drink. last time i saw her she said the thing about "there will be lots of times we can share a bottle of wine together"...so i think i might try and put this plan into action- head out for a drink, and share a bottle of wine!! If i can get to that stage, i think even that is good, because i don't think most ex's would agree to go share a bottle of wine with their ex. Especially not if they are seeing someone.

The way i am explaining all this to myself is that if i were seeing someone and they told me they were going out for a bottle of wine with their ex, i would get suspicious?!?

Anyway, so i figured we both relax a bit more after a drink or two, and the conversation starts flowing better. And things are more likely to happen if we are drunk. Even though i realise if i *am* lucky enough to get to this stage, i have to take it very very slowly.

Not sure why i am planning all this when the likelihood of it happening is really low!! And if it *does* happen then i kinda want to play it like a first date...working on the basis that i would get another date before anything really happened.

But i really am getting ahead of myself here!!!

ps- Geecee just read a post i missed from you back on p51...about turning into Miss Haversham....hahaha i think you're being a bit harsh on yourself there!

GeeCee · March 15, 2004

Spatz - bloody hell - you are on here more than me today, and I skived off work!!!

Miss Haversham/Baby Jane - it is all a matter of splitting hairs at the moment - in my demented state - dressed in an jogging bottoms and t shirt, filling myself with strong black coffee and not eating anything that isn't called tiramisu or chocolate cake - oh believe me, I look bloody gorgeous!!

Yes you are getting ahead of yourself - but don't we all do that? Read things into the tiniest message.

Take care with the 'bottle or two of wine'. I did that to 'loosen up', and got so loose my bloody knickers fell off!!! Oh, it was yummy, tho!

Yes, you have to look on it as a second or third date. Of course, there is loads you might want to talk about - but don't. She might he expecting that. Keeping it light and vague is the way to go. And don't make the mistake I did - I had a couple of friends on stand-by to send me texts to remind me that I was having a no-sex date. But he just said, Bloody hell, you're popular!!! But didn't seem too impressed. You can't really win for trying. I am keeping in the back of my mind the fact that both Beec and Majord have said that they had quite lengthy separations from women that they then got back with, and it still all went pear-shaped.

Do you know what - I think I would get great satisfaction out of getting the bugger to come back and then telling him some time down the road that I need time to 'ponder' and could he piss off for a while?!?!?! But then he might look at me, with those perfect green eyes and I would think oooooooh, not really!!! Oh, well, the thought was deliciously wicked for a second.

Spatz, try and enjoy the moment and don't get too far ahead of yourself - very difficult to do, I know. I am the first to start planning a future together when the bugger sends a text saying how was your day?!?!

One day, not so long ago, I used to be in control of my emotions - made my own decisions - accepted dates, and declined dates, and life did not revolve around one indi*&^%ingvidual. Oh, how times have changed. I must have been a very bad person in a previous life, if this is my karma!

Be still my broken heart - I like that - very dramatic!!

G xx

P.S. I think that I am getting a bit better - veering back towards anger, rather than pitying - sooooo much healthier!

GeeCee · March 15, 2004