BREAKING ALL THE RULES

[Beec]

aaah Gee,

 

Now you are trying to talk yourself out of any pursuit of this man. Maybe pursuit is not the word, lure him into a trap, more like it.

 

BTW, I like your proposed move, but after he chases you just a little bit.

 

I would favor you seeing him in a public place, orchestrated to either surpise him there or to be "surprised" by those who might appear to desire you too. Work a jealous streak, then act like you may have no interest in your real target.

 

Once he made a move, I would take that bottle of wine to his place, enjoy it, tease him and leave. He will really chase you then.

[GeeCee]

Hey Beec and Notmars

 

Thanks for your posts - have definitely done the right thing. Would not have trusted myself alone with him anyway!! I am not so good at looking at the bigger picture sometimes. Kind of live for the moment.

 

So... taking Beec, Majord and Spatz's advice and chilling in my game plan.

 

Seduction is so much more subtle than sex. If we were just looking for sex, I am sure that we could all so that. However .... So am going for the subtle chase.

 

Shall keep you posted guys.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Good to see you back Beec - haven't heard from you for a while!! What you been up to?

 

And to all of you - thanks so much for your advice.

[GeeCee]

BTW Notmars - you will be relieved to know that I am leaving my cell-phone at home tonight.

 

And no Beec, I am not talking myself out of persuing him. Am just thinking of the kind of trap I wish to lay - the most effective lure. Just working on my game plan honey! I do know what I want out of this - trying to take a longer-term view of the whole situation. I'm old enough to know that if he comes back, it has to be because he desires it and thought of it himself - he is, after all, only a man!!!

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Glad to hear everything is still on track Geecee. I've had an ok weekend so far, although i got ill last night (something i ate during the day) so was in that kinda feverish state in bed last night - so very clouded thinking, and at one point ALMOST texted ex to ask her what is going on!?! Dunno where it came from at all - i was just thinking about her non stop for about 2 hours, and picked up my phone and actually typed out a message asking her if she met someone new.

 

Just glad i had the sense not to send it!!

 

Thinking about whether she has met anyone new, i know i should follow everyones advice and assume the worst, but i know even if i do that, i'm gonna be gutted anyway!!

 

I'm just thinking of a lot of positive things that were said / done just before we split, and thinking i MUST still have a chance. But i know that is probably not the case. Gotta get my head straight in the next few days so i am ready to wish her happy birthday!!

[GeeCee]

Hi Notmars

 

I read your thread - this is clearly a very stressful time for both you and your b/f. Notmars, at our age, we know that some men cannot deal with stress. It's that old power struggle that I think is almost instinctive for them. They have to be seen to be dealing with everything. Some men also find it very difficult to deal with problems. I would think, in your case you are doing the right thing. You need to give him space and time to sort out things, as long as he knows that you are there to support him when he needs it. Now is definitely not the time to be laying more on him in terms of where your relatinship is going.

 

Yes, there is no doubt that you are stronger than me when it comes to the no contact rule.

 

Like you, I am independent and can look after myself. Unlike you, the no-contact rule does not work for me on a number of levels. Although I have incorporated some of it into my current situation, I am not happy about it.

 

With regards to my exes - I keep in touch with some of them, and some of them I don't. I have ended relationships and then been the first to contact them, to see how they are doing. I have also initiated meetings with exes (lunch, drink). But there has never been anything more than friendship on my part, and I have made that clear. So, thereforeeee, if they were following the no contact rule, I am worried that I have hurt them unintentionally.

 

With my current ex we seem to have a mutual need to stay in contact. I have definitely not pushed meeting up with him, because although five weeks have passed since we split, he has been away with work for two of those and been looking after his kids for one. So there has been no pressure from me to meet. We have, however, been in contact both by phone and by email and text. That kind of contact, as far as I am concerned, does not stop either him missing me or me missing him.

 

I think that there are certain games that I am more than willing to play, and enjoy playing. However, sitting waiting for someone to text email or call is not one of them. And then waiting for a suitable amount of time to respond is not one of them either.

 

I actually feel more powerful by initiating the contact myself. It makes me feel more proactive and in control. However, if the response were not favourable, I am sure that the no contact rule would be better in terms of shielding the pain of a broken heart.

 

thereforeeee, I think that the no contact rule can be good in some situations. We have to remember that although someone misses you, does not mean that they want to have a relationship with you. It is a natural thing to feel something for someone you have spent any length of time with, might not mean any more than that.

 

Keep us posted on your situation. Hope that things start to ease up for your b/f.

 

G xx

 

What the hell is this about - into bed this morning at 3.00 and awake and typing on this site at 8.45!!!! What has my ex done to me!!! I used to love to sleep.

[GeeCee]

Hi Notmars

 

I read your thread - this is clearly a very stressful time for both you and your b/f. Notmars, at our age, we know that some men cannot deal with stress. It's that old power struggle that I think is almost instinctive for them. They have to be seen to be dealing with everything. Some men also find it very difficult to deal with problems. I would think, in your case you are doing the right thing. You need to give him space and time to sort out things, as long as he knows that you are there to support him when he needs it. Now is definitely not the time to be laying more on him in terms of where your relatinship is going.

 

Yes, there is no doubt that you are stronger than me when it comes to the no contact rule.

 

Like you, I am independent and can look after myself. Unlike you, the no-contact rule does not work for me on a number of levels. Although I have incorporated some of it into my current situation, I am not happy about it.

 

With regards to my exes - I keep in touch with some of them, and some of them I don't. I have ended relationships and then been the first to contact them, to see how they are doing. I have also initiated meetings with exes (lunch, drink). But there has never been anything more than friendship on my part, and I have made that clear. So, thereforeeee, if they were following the no contact rule, I am worried that I have hurt them unintentionally.

 

With my current ex we seem to have a mutual need to stay in contact. I have definitely not pushed meeting up with him, because although five weeks have passed since we split, he has been away with work for two of those and been looking after his kids for one. So there has been no pressure from me to meet. We have, however, been in contact both by phone and by email and text. That kind of contact, as far as I am concerned, does not stop either him missing me or me missing him.

 

I think that there are certain games that I am more than willing to play, and enjoy playing. However, sitting waiting for someone to text email or call is not one of them. And then waiting for a suitable amount of time to respond is not one of them either.

 

I actually feel more powerful by initiating the contact myself. It makes me feel more proactive and in control. However, if the response were not favourable, I am sure that the no contact rule would be better in terms of shielding the pain of a broken heart.

 

thereforeeee, I think that the no contact rule can be good in some situations. We have to remember that although someone misses you, does not mean that they want to have a relationship with you. It is a natural thing to feel something for someone you have spent any length of time with, might not mean any more than that.

 

Keep us posted on your situation. Hope that things start to ease up for your b/f.

 

G xx

 

What the hell is this about - into bed this morning at 3.00 and awake and typing on this site at 8.45!!!! What has my ex done to me!!! I used to love to sleep.

[GeeCee]

Jeez Spatz

 

I hope that you are feeling a little better today.

 

I am soooo glad that you did not hit that send button - that would have been a very bad move. You are right - you need to focus yourself for later on in the week.

 

Like everyone else, I agree, you have to brace yourself for the worse. Anything else will then be a bonus.

 

Keep being strong. Speak later.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Guys, i know this is gonna sound pathetic, but i'm working on my plan for her birthday...as you know i'm gonna call her just quickly to say happy birthday, but it will be the first time we've spoken in exactly 2 months. This is gonna sound like a dumb question, but what are your thoughts on this...if she picks up then no worries, but what if she misses the call. Do i hang up and try again later, or leave a message and see if she returns the call.

 

I know i'm being stupid thinking about this too much, but i'm just trying to work out which will be better!!

[GeeCee]

Spatz - don't be silly - not pathetic at all.

 

I would definitely, definitely leave a message if she does not pick up. My reasoning for this is:

 

1. Leaving a message is a bold thing to do.

 

2. Much easier to panic and not leave a message - I would not respect that - too insecure.

 

3. If you don't leave a message, you will be full of frustration about whether to call her back or not.

 

4. She is more likely, I believe, to respond to a message than a missed call.

 

5. You may feel like you have done something proactive, and that may give you strength.

 

Of course, this is only my opinion, and you have followed my thread, S, you know that I don't always make the right decision!!!

 

See what the likes of Beec and Majord have to say before you do anything.

 

G xx

[GeeCee]

In my defence, let me start by saying I was bored. BORED...BORED... BORED. Sunday - beautiful day and no lover to share it with!!! There is a limit to old re-runs on the TV that you can put yourself through!!

 

So... at 3.00 pm I sent a text saying hope you had a good weekend, let's meet for a drink tonight.

 

And at 4.00 pm he sent a reply sorry can't make tonight, sister is in town, how about Tuesday?

 

I shall reply saying Tuesday will be good.

 

And then I might just start panicking!!!! What to wear - of course it will have to be all new - clothes, shoes, handbag - hairdresser to organise, brazilian wax, nails, yadayadayadayada, so that I don't look like someone who has been pining for the last month.

 

Jeez - why do we put ourselves through this.

 

I am going to reply later tonight saying Tuesday would be perfect.

 

Any more suggestions/thoughts guys?

 

G xx

 

P.S. It's a positive step in the right direction. Just have to be careful not to blow this. Shall repeat my mantra... I will not have sex with him ... I will not have sex with him ... I will not have sex with him ....

 

P.P.S. Just to be safe ... going to check ebay for a chastity belt!!!!

 

P.P.S. Thanks guys for listening to the ramblings of a madwoman!

 

P.P.P.S. Hope that you are all ok.

[GeeCee]

Beec, Spatz, Majord - where are you?

 

Am feeling excited about tomorrow - not nervous yet - that will probably come later!

 

Speak soon.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Don't worry Geecee, still here!! just not posted for a day or two!!

 

I've had a weird few days - just trying to get my head straight some more. Trying to figure out what its gonna be like speaking with her tomorrow. Trying to work out whether i'll get any info about whether she is seing someone else, whether she'll be home at Easter, or whether i'll be in with any kind of chance at Easter. So i guess it is that just making me a little bit nervous / excited!?

 

What time have you arranged to meet Geecee? Are you all prepared? Got ur gameplan figured out??

 

Good luck!!

[GeeCee]

Spatz - this might not be what you want to hear - but I don't think you should be trying to seek information tomorrow. Isn't that going to be what she thinks you will do.

 

I will be aiming to keep the conversation light and friendly - I really think you should do the same.

 

I haven't much time right now, but will post more coherent thoughts later tonight.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Geecee, don't worry - i'm not planning on tryin to get any information. not at all. At least not in an obvious way. I just meant that one of the things i plan on asking her (as i would ask ANY friend on their birthday) is what plans they have - "how are you gonna celebrate? Getting drunk??" This in itself is not a direct question asking "are you with someone new" but does give the possibility of her answering "going out for a meal" or whatever. I can even just ask her whether she has plans with her flatmates (i knew them all and we all got on really well). The way in which she answers such questions may at least hint something. But be reassured, it is not directly what i am phoning about - i plan on keeping it short, and aloof. Although to be honest, i am not entirely sure how i am gonna react to hearing her voice.

 

This is what worries me the most. I fear that whilst i am doing well in general, hearing that voice for the first time in 2 months could do more damage than good!!

 

Just gotta remember to play it cool!!

 

I've also got to try and figure out when is best to call. I am thinking possibly mid morning. Hopefully she will open her package first thing in the morning, in which case i will hear from her before she hears from me.

 

its all kinda unknown from here tho guys!!

[shiny toaster]

I've been reading over your threads guys and it's good to know that you're not alone. I'm really finding times tough at the moment, and have been contemplating the No Contact rule. I think now, after reading how you guys have been getting on, I do need to have no contact for a while. I was dumped after two and a half years, for the simple reason that he wanted to find out what life's like without me. I foolishly went to see him yesterday after two months of not seeing each other to give him his stuff back and although it wasn't disasterous, it has hurt me today. All i can say to you guys who are meeting up with your ex's, keep it light and chatty, it really is the only way for the first meeting. Who knows what the future holds, but for now, you have to take small steps to loving yourselves all over again. I'm a trying...

 

Please let me know how you get on, and keep smiling, xx

[GeeCee]

Spatz that sounds perfect - i would be aiming for her to lead the conversation. Yes you are going to have to keep a grip of your emotions when you hear her voice. Have a list of potential things that you could talk about - and he sure to end the conversation a light note.

 

Shiny toaster - I am sorry that you are feeling bad. People keep saying that it gets better with time and I am working on that premise.

 

Spatz - like me - you must be feeling excited. Post us information as soon as you have spoken, can't wait to hear how it went.

 

Will probably speak to you later tonight.

 

G xx

[Beec]

GeeCee, you know what to do. Light, friendly, nothing overt with your tongue (show interest with the body language). Act kinid of like you jsut met the guy at a party where you did not have time to talk, and now you are trying to figure out if you want to date him.

 

Spatz, easy on the requests for info is right. Maybe a when are you coming home for Easter would not be bad.

 

Shinytoaster, it does hurt when you go an see the ex. It is especially tough if you want them back. Give yourself some time then see if you can work on him.

 

I'm still working on my recovery from a big weekend.

[spatzcolumbo]

I *AM* feeling excited, but more in a nervous way i think. Which is not the best way to be!!!

 

I'm gonna be thinking about it a lot tonight i think...trying to prepare myself for every eventuality. This seems like quite a big step even though it really isn't, and more than likely will leave me disappointed / wanting more!!

 

Beec, i think you are right. Easy on questions is good. I was planning on asking her if she still plans on being back at Easter anyway. This is for two reasons - firstly because i find out whether she will be around, and secondly because last time her flatmate stayed at uni was because she had met someone...so it is always possible the same will have happened?!?

 

In anycase, by asking i leave the door open for her to say "we could meet up". As per my gameplan, i want HER to ask this, not ME.

[Beec]

It would be nice if she did. try to stir up a desire to go do something in her, like tell wanting to go see a certain event or visit someplace you know she likes or would like. For instance, just saying that you want to go see a certain movie that she may want to see, that mihgt be enough to say let's go together.

[spatzcolumbo]

Beec, i was thinking the same kind of thing - i just have to think up the right thing - something that will make it click in her head that we should go do that together at Easter.

 

Something for me to think about tonight!!

[GeeCee]

Beec said

nothing overt with your tongue

 

Hmmmm... I will try and remember this - while remembering all the other stuff!!!

 

Spatz - you have got to keep your emotions in check. She may say things that you do not want to hear. You are going to have to have the strength to ride over this, and keep the conversation flowing.

 

Me - I work on the premise that I won't ask anything that I do not want to hear the answer to. Having said that, my ex has already asked me whether I am seeing someone else!!! Seeing that we had a very honest relationship, I fully expect him to ask me the same thing tomorrow. I will not lie - but can insinuate that things have not been as dull as he might have thought.

 

Good to have you back Beec - you had a wild weekend??

 

G xx

 

P.S. Whilst we have arranged to meet tomorrow - we did not set either a venue or time. If he has not contacted me by the evening, I am bloody well not calling him to find out where I should be meeting him!!!

 

Yet more games - I sometimes feel like Mike *&^%ing Tyson!!!!

[GeeCee]

I don't think look like him though.....

[Beec]

All I had was one long day/night of drinking (1:30 p.m. through to 4:00 a.m.). It takes me a while to recover now.

 

What I meant but nothing overt with your tongue was "words", you can lick your lips, which you probably know to be a good body language sign. Keep your words vague. But use your body to tell him to come chase you, then make him do it.

[GeeCee]

Lighten up Beec - think I had that one covered - I was joking!!!

Good to have you back though.

 

G xx

[GeeCee]

How ya doin Spatz?

 

Can't deny it - I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it, nah nah nah, I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!!

 

Well maybe that would not be a good idea.

 

Let's just hope that it doesn't all go pear-shaped.

 

Speak soon.

 

G xx