BREAKING ALL THE RULES

[Beec]

Gee,

 

Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes. I'm away, but will check in when I come back.

[GeeCee]

OK Beec.

 

Think about me after 9.00 GMT. Positive visualisation.

 

G xx

[GeeCee]

Spatz

 

Shall be thinking of you during mid-morning. Post and let us know how it went, ok.

 

G xx

[GeeCee]

Spatz!!!

 

Everything is crossed. I expect you will have posted by mid-day.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

...i just got a message from her:

 

"thankyou so much for the CDs and the card. it means a lot to me...hope work is going well. Im back in a couple of weeks so im sure il see you and thank you properly x"

 

So now i am gonna call her and just keep it quick

 

Will keep you all posted

[GeeCee]

Great news Spatz - so make the call. Will try and stay on-line and see what happened, otherwise will talk later.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

...I called, but no answer. She may have not wanted to pick up - could have been awkward. Or she may have been in a lecture or something, but i doubt it - as she sent me a message at just past 9.

 

Anyway, i left a message just sayin "Surprise, happy Birthday" and some other stuff about hope she has a nice day, and sure we'll speak soon.

 

Then thats it - hung up, and waiting to see what happens.

 

So i didn't get to find out what she is doing tonight, whether she is even possibly with someone new, or anything like that. For all i know she could have been with a new guy, hence not asnwering my call.

 

But, i'm fairly sure that the message was a good thing!!

 

Geecee you nervous about tonight? Did you organise a time / place?

 

*update* well its lunchtime now, and three hours since i called, but still no reply!!! I'm sure she will have got my answer phone message by now...guess i was just hoping she would call back, even tho i did not specifically ask her to - i just said "we'll speak soon i'm sure".

 

Hmmmm.

[GeeCee]

Bloody hell Spatz - this is not what you were aiming for - I realise that. You must be feeling a little flat at the moment. Don't read anything into the fact that she was not able to take the call - there could be a million legitimate reasons.

 

Has there been any development since?

 

Will post again later - bit rushed at the moment.

 

G xx

[GeeCee]

Quick Spatz - I see that you are on-line - any news?

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

No news at all.

 

The message was good i think, but a little anoyed that i didn't get to speak to her, and that she has not messaged / called in reply to my answer machine message. but then maybe she is leaving it till tonight when i am home / it is cheap?

 

i dunno.

 

Or maybe she does not want to lead me on?!?

[majord23]

Greetings fellow enotaloners!

The demands of a hectic work and sex-life have prevented me from posting over the last few days....ok, given that my sex-life is imaginery, my excuse loses *some* credibility, but I have been busy nonetheless!

 

GeeCee - It looks as though you're doing really well....I think that your situation differs to others quite alot in that you still have a quite a bit of overt sexual tension between yourself and your ex....so far, you are playing it perfectly. Definitely keep going the way you are going - and continue your 'anti-sex' mantra....as you know, being flirtatious, appearing available but then withdrawing is your BIG trump card. Proud of you girl!

 

Spatz - great sign that she texted you back, and it appears as though you have definitely made inroads. Don't do anything else at the moment though. You had your heart set on talking to her today, but at the same time - she has texted and you have left a message on her voicemail. Any further contact today from you will appear over-keen.

Don't be disheartened if you don't hear from her today though mate....just have a look at the message she sent to you!!

 

"thankyou so much for the CDs and the card. it means a lot to me...hope work is going well. Im back in a couple of weeks so im sure il see you and thank you properly x"

 

You really could not have hoped for a better message my friend - The present meant alot to her and she DOES want to see you! Just focus on that....not speaking to her on the phone today may be disappointing, but in my eyes, that message *more* than makes up for it.

 

Well done mate!

[spatzcolumbo]

Thanks Majord, i kinda feel the same - i don't wanna call her again - if she wants to talk or anything, she knows where i am. And i don't want to push her at all. I'm more than happy with the message. Even if it means nothing, it is nice to hear that it means something to her!!!

 

Now i wait for a few weeks!!

[majord23]

 

Now i wait for a few weeks!!

 

No problem spatz - and the quote above is what you have to focus on and be prepared for. You'll probably have a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride until you do actually meet your ex....and that is completely understandable and natural. Just don't act on any of your feelings, whether positive or negative, until next you hear from/see her.

[spatzcolumbo]

Well i've been feeling like it has been a rollercoaster from the word go, so hopefully a few more weeks won't ruin me!!!

 

At least now i feel like i have got something from her - a nice, positive message. just gotta make sure i don't read too much into it!! I feel like i at least have a toe in the door!!

 

beec is gonna have some reading to catch up!!

[majord23]

.... so hopefully a few more weeks won't ruin me!!!

 

Exactly mate - a few weeks is nothing in the big scheme of things.

[February]

I decided that no contact is good up to a point. But for my own sanity, I am going to contact my ex today. This decision is for me and noone else. I want to see how he reacts. If this does push him away more than well how right were we for one another? I will let you know how it goes. After reading everyone's posts, I realized, I never did the begging, pleading thing, I just said I know I feel this relationship isn't right either. And the one time we talked afterward I was friendly but got off the phone pretty quick. I honestly do not care the repercussions of my actions. I am going to reach out and if he is cold and makes me feel worse I will know, this is not someone I should still be thinking about. He just sucks. I am feeling empowered by this decision!!! More to come....

[GeeCee]

Wow February - empowered is great. I understand, completely what you are saying. Even when I sent my drunk and horny text last week, I felt in control, although it may have been the wrong thing to do. But hey - if we want to do it, sometimes agonising over it for days and days is not healthy either.

 

You sound OK inasmuch as you are able to accept the consequences of your call, no matter what the end result.

 

Majord - you had us all going for a minute - we were cheering wildly at the fact that you had not been able to post for a while because of your hectic sex-life. Next time, please don't burst our bubbles.

 

Spatz - you are not going to ruin everything at this crucial stage by doing something silly. You have to hold out for a few more weeks - you can do that. But I know that you must be feeling a little flat after all the build-up of the past month. Feel for you.

 

Me - I am still at work. Feeling remarkably calm and surprisingly confident about tonight. Think I might be at the same point as February - if this goes well, who knows where it will lead? If it doesn't, damnit, he's a gorgeous guy (not to mention sexy, intelligent, funny, I could go on), but if he doesn't want to be with me, I can't change that, much as I would like to.

 

Am going to try and go down the terribly British route, in that scenario and bow out gracefully, ,eeping dignity in tact.

 

Wish me luck.

 

P.S. I sound brave - you know that I will be wailing and crying on your shoulders if it all goes wrong!!

[spatzcolumbo]

I am not feeling too flat at all at the moment. Yes, i would have liked to have talked to her, but at the same time i was nervous about it, and worried about how i would react. At least the way it has worked out, i have left a message for her - so she has heard my voice for the first time in two months - which hopefully will have stirred up SOME kind of emotion...and i have a nice message from her to read over!!!

 

ps - GOOD LUCK TONIGHT

[February]

Ok so, I called, he said hello and how are you? then asked to call me back later b/c he was crazed at the moment. This is more than likely since we used to work together, however I believe if you ant to talk to someone, you do. I think it was a blow off. He was calm, but not overly excited to hear from me. I will let you all know if I don't hear back. I doubt he will call me back. I am still glad I alled I feel more in control of my emotions. I am getting to the pissed "he never derserved me anyway" phase. If he does not call me back, I plan on calling him again tomorrow afternoon b/c I want to get my stuff back, I have a few things at his place and he has some clothes at mine still. If he doesn't then my plan and tone will change. I will call again tmrw and say listen, I wanted to try to be friends again, you obviously don't want to be, so listen I want my stuff back how can we get that to happen? At this point f&*% him and giving him space etc. I realize now, that if he isn;t man enough to deal then I want my own type of closure. I would prefer to hear I never want to hear or see you again than "I will call you later" that is the pansy way out. Ya see we never fought, we brokw up b/c he needed time to think. And I will give him that, he will have forever w/o me. I just want my own form of closure which includes getting my belongings.

[GeeCee]

February - sometimes you have to take the plunge and I think that as long as you are able to accept the outcome, you have to do it.

 

I hope that, one way or another, you get closure on this.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Shall try and post again when I have a bit more time.

[February]

So here is what happened. I chose to call him back again b/c I knew he was not going to call again. I was planning on saying listen "I wanted to try to be friends with you, that is obviously not what you want, so I want to get my stuff back." This is what happened, I called and he said hello and I said listen I know you where not planning on calling me back, he said he was, I said well I was not aniticipating you were, so I decided to call you back b/c I really want to let you know that I wanted to try to be friends, but you obviosuly don't want to. At this he said, no he did and that he has had his head up his a&* and he is sorry. He wants to be friends with me, he just has been crazed, then he started going to a worldwind of excuses about why he has not been in touch, incl. losing his current apt., his ex of 4 years has a new bf who he met. His b-day is next week and he is turning 29 which he is not happy about. HIs one friend is basically suicidal, etc. etc. I am sure all these things are true, nonetheless they are all excuses. This is the time he should ahve reached out for me, not the opposite. Anyway, I was very honest and upfront, even asked him after asking how he was dealing w/ his ex, if he had any thought that maybe he wants her back. He said he can;t even think about anything crazy like that now. He sounded down as if he was going to cry. I told him I was sorry he has been having such a rouch time and that he knows he could call me anytime. He said he did not want to bother me. (He knows though he could have.) He also said he feels like he is depressed and has not been sleeping. All of these are excuses as well, hell I have been feeling depressed and have not been sleeping since we broke up. Bottem line: We are meeting tmrw to exchange our stuff. He sounded sad about this. I didn't really care. I need it for closure. I think somehow holding my stuff hostage has given him some sort of comfort. ANyway, I realized that this guy is seriosuly screwed up. Not sure his life is as bad as he says, but regardless. He is incabable of dealing and so I want my stufff back, will say my peace, and move on. W/O him-I know that if I do not pursue the friendship after our meeting tmrw, it will end and who will be better off? Not him b/c I was actually willing to help him thru his crap, but me-b/c I will find someone capable of living their life, not hiding from it.

 

 

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey geecee,

 

Just to say hope it all went to plan tonight...im not gonna be online til late tomorrow so il catch up then!!

 

Good luck!!

 

Spatz

[GeeCee]

February - hope all goes to plan today and you get what you are looking for. You are right - in his time of need, it is a shame that he could not call on you. However, not to be defending him, but I know that I personally find it very difficult to rely on someone. Say your piece today, but try and allow him to say his too. Listening is sometimes as good as talking. Maybe you can still be friends after all.

 

Spatz - thanks for your good wishes. I am busy this morning, but shall post later with all the juicy details.

 

G xx

[LostinVan]

GeeCee gives some really good advice.

 

I used to say to my ex "you're just making excuses. You're justifying things", Manoman that was a terrible thing to say. If someone said that to me, I'd feel my concerns and problems were worthless.

 

It's something I'm determined not to ever do again in my lifetime in a relationship.

 

February, I get the feeling that the call hurt you, and hence the resentment in what he had to say. The only thing I can give you is a male perspective here, and from someone who used to say "she's only making excuses" all the time. (really - all the time... it was my favourite phrase).

 

My thoughts are this. He was playing the role of the Venus person (much as I dislike John Gray, he makes some sense in what he writes). He was telling you the problems, not to find solutions or present solution scenarios or to even make excuses, but it sounds like he was attempting possibly to cry on your shoulder a bit. Some of those things were pretty intense... a friend wanting to commit suicide! Yikes Losing his appt? No matter how you look at it, that's stress. Situatiosn with the ex ex? STRESS.

 

My male perspective is this... I don't know your situation. I assume you were the dumpee, not the dumper... but his male ego was such that he felt he couldn't go to you with his troubles. He probably felt an enormous sense of guilt from even thinking about it, if he was the dumper.

 

If I were him, and in this situation, what I would have liked to have heard from you was this...

 

"wow, you had such a rough time of it, I am sorry that you felt you couldn't come to me for comfort. If we are to be friends first, I hope you can think that you can talk to me about these things. I'd put aside the relationship, and just be your shoulder, if that's what you want..."

 

If I were him, and I heard this, I'd melt. But the key here is, it has to be sincere.

 

This, coming from a guy who wants nothing more right now than to have his ex be happy with herself, and to see me as a possible best friend (we're working on it, through a very tough time... my Mom just passed away, and she loved my ex dearly as a genuine daughter, not just a "wife of my son". Right now, my ex and I working on being friends. It's early days, but it seems to be working.

 

LostinVan.

[GeeCee]

LostInVan - thanks - your advice is not so bad either!!

 

Now perhaps you can give me some with regards my situation.

 

I will post with more details about last night later. Bloody hectic day today.

 

G xx