I fear I've made a huge mistake -- moving in...

[DN]

I think you guys are certainly right about her being a mere construct of sorts inside my own mind. I think I've built her up to be something she isn't. I think part of my letting go and moving on is realizing that fact.

 

If I was to break it off, what should I say? Just be honest, tell her I could never be happy in a relationship that is devoid of physicality?

Yes, tell her that. Say that physical intimacy and sex is a fundamental requirement in a successful relationship - otherwise all you are is friends and roommates.

[JadedStar]

the honest truth is perfectly valid. Your needs arent being met, and whther they are emotional or physical, they are still needs. She will probably say that sex isnt everything, and cause a blow up, but you need to stand your ground. In a way, your emotional needs arent being met either, because lack of affction, hugging, is lackof love.

 

I suggest you write down in plain terms first , get it straight in your head, and tell her, as you would tell anyone else, the plain truth, as FACT.

 

Right. She will likely use the ploy "sex isnt everything" and that is when you tell her it is not only about sex. It is about a total lack of intimacy and that you require more affection (not just sex) than she is either willing or able to give.

[RyanD333]

Thanks for all the advice. You're all the best. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now. Wish me luck...

 

Gonna be a long night.

[DJBaby]

Ryan, good luck.

 

For what it's worth, your situation has helped me to realize the loads of mistakes I made in my relationship... the ones I'm hoping to get to the root of to banish my own intimacy issues.

 

I don't really know what to say other than I'm sorry and I hope that, after you speak to her, your girl cares enough to make your needs a priority for her. If not, I agree with the other posters: you need to leave.

[yellow_sweater]

Hey Ryan, I just read your entire thread. I'm so sorry that this situation makes you feel so badly. You've described your feelings as "feeling inept"... I know that's how you feel, but I want to give you a little reality check that you're absolutely NOT. You have done EXACTLY what a good boyfriend would do! It's too bad that you're in a relationship where that is not appreciated.

 

I agree with everyone else. Take a day off work, move your stuff back in with your roommates. Write down in very plain terms why you're leaving. Use "I" statements; do your best to keep her from getting defensive. When she gets home, read what you've written... and then leave for the night. I don't think you should break up with her (yet), but you do need to get the heck out of living with her.

 

One more thing... one of your "I" statements should be "I care about you, Liz, and because of that, I can't be in a relationship with you and watch you be unhealthy. In order for me to continue this relationship, I need for you to prioritize your mental and physical well-being. That means seeing a doctor for the pains in your body and seeing a counselor to talk through your intimacy issues. I'm here to support you however you ask me to."

 

Hang in there...

YS

[ghost69]

she's just not made for you. sucks sometimes, but it happens to everyone.

[blackgnat]

You say you don't want to start over again, but is it worth staying in such an unhappy situation?

 

When sex isn't happening it's VERY important to the relationship, so don't feel like you're asking for too much.

 

Find someone who is on the same page as you are, as regards sex and affection. It's too lonely otherwise and depletes your own self esteem if you are not feeling valued and loved.

 

She sounds cold and whiny. And you ARE totally cute! I can't imagine you not being able to find another attractive female who would like to return your affection and sexual advances!

 

Get out of there and let her figure it out for herself!

[Seymore]

My ex pulled that - early on she said she loved that our relationship wasn't about sex. We barely had it, and if I got a little grumpy because we were having it once or twice a month, she'd throw that in my face and make me feel guilty, saying I was making the relationship about sex. Then I thought about things I did for her 1-2 times a week, like give her massages. If she ever got grumpy because I was too tired to, I'd suggest she was making the relationship all about massages.

 

And it wasn't just lack of sex, but kissing ("no making out because that leads to sex and I don't feel like it", she'd say), hugging, any of that came when she wanted it (often after she had a couple of drinks), otherwise she was plain frigid much of the time. I'm not even kidding - our kisses goodnight and goodbye were like how grandparents kiss. Our lips barely even touched. I felt like I was a FWB for quite some time, although I imagine a FWB situation involves more physical affection than my last relationship did.

[dani_katze]

A women who is in love will want him, will desire to touch him... maybe there are women more affectionate than others... In my case my family is not that physical, so I am more cold (I am latin, though), but when I like a boy I will touch him a little if I am just dating him to show him my interest and if there's more than dates and I care about him I definitivly will desire him... more than a kiss of course

[relm]

What is her side of the story? Is she just not into sex or does she feel she is satisfied with the low level it currently is, or is it a chore she'd rather not be bothered with? What type of career does she have? This may not be anything personal, she just might not be the touchy feely type and you are - meaning this is going to constantly be a frustrating relationship. These types of things don't change in a person - its the nature of the type of person you and she are so maybe its just a mismatch.

[RyanD333]

What is her side of the story? Is she just not into sex or does she feel she is satisfied with the low level it currently is, or is it a chore she'd rather not be bothered with? What type of career does she have? This may not be anything personal, she just might not be the touchy feely type and you are - meaning this is going to constantly be a frustrating relationship. These types of things don't change in a person - its the nature of the type of person you and she are so maybe its just a mismatch.

 

She's a school teacher.

 

Let's go over her excuses for lack of sex:

 

She's sore

She's tired

She has no sex drive

I don't "woo" her enough

I don't entice her enough with words

I don't last long enough

I last too long, she gets sore (not kidding, she's used both)

Emotional baggage from last relationship

Too late at night

Too early in the morning

 

I could honestly go on and on.

 

Her final excuse she's settled on is a lack of sex drive, which she says she will consult her doctor about.

 

I honestly don't care about having sex every night. Once a week might even suffice, but this once every 5-6 weeks things is pathetic. Even then it's like a complete chore to her.

 

She has no concept of oral sex either, which I love both ways. She refuses to ever partake, unless she receives.

[yellow_sweater]

She's sore

She's tired

She has no sex drive

I don't "woo" her enough

I don't entice her enough with words

I don't last long enough

I last too long, she gets sore (not kidding, she's used both)

Emotional baggage from last relationship

Too late at night

Too early in the morning

 

Also:

 

--The sky is blue. Can't have sex on clear days.

--You wore jeans today, that's a turn-off.

--She didn't eat breakfast, and consequently has been feeling "off" all day.

--The economy is in the crapper. Too distracted by the value of her stock portfolio.

--It's Thursday. You know what happens on Thursdays.

--Your elbows are ugly.

--She took a shower this morning and doesn't want to take another one.

 

There's a difference between a valid reason (I have clinical depression which has killed my sex drive OR I don't believe in sex outside of marriage for religious reasons) and EXCUSES. And her "reasons" sound like excuses.

 

I'm a big believer in "NO means NO," that is, if someone doesn't want to be sexual, then their decision must be respected. But that doesn't mean that you have to stick with her.

 

Definitely on your side with this one...

YS

[Seymore]

Yep, heard all those excuses before - add "I just went to the bathroom 15 minutes ago" and "my tummy hurts" to that. When we would do it - after she'd climax, the timer would start. She'd say "do you want to finish?" and just lay there, barely moving. I basically had 3 minutes to climax, or else she'd tell me to stop because she was sore. As long as she hadn't had her orgasm yet, she'd go for as long as it took her to climax. But forget about me finishing. I wound up in the shower masturbating afterwards half the time.

 

And I'd do whatever she'd want, improve anything she'd want...always with the excuses. I really feel for you Ryan.

[RyanD333]

Yep, heard all those excuses before - add "I just went to the bathroom 15 minutes ago" and "my tummy hurts" to that. When we would do it - after she'd climax, the timer would start. She'd say "do you want to finish?" and just lay there, barely moving. I basically had 3 minutes to climax, or else she'd tell me to stop because she was sore. As long as she hadn't had her orgasm yet, she'd go for as long as it took her to climax. But forget about me finishing. I wound up in the shower masturbating afterwards half the time.

 

And I'd do whatever she'd want, improve anything she'd want...always with the excuses. I really feel for you Ryan.

 

/sigh

 

That sounds so familiar.

 

And lol@ your post Sweater. Her excuses are more numerous than I even noted.

[relm]

Is it possible there is a chemical reason for this? I used to date someone who just had zero sex drive but it was hormonal/birth control related. Do you think your gf has something like this? Maybe it could be as simple as switching birth control? Short of a blood test, I'm not sure how to tell if the hormone levels are fine. I understand too little estrogen will affect some womens desire for sex. Is she the analytical/logical type rather than the affectionate type? It just seems to me like you are both good people but just mismatched on the physical level which is a very big deal and something that can't really be changed.

[RyanD333]

Is it possible there is a chemical reason for this? I used to date someone who just had zero sex drive but it was hormonal/birth control related. Do you think your gf has something like this? Maybe it could be as simple as switching birth control? Short of a blood test, I'm not sure how to tell if the hormone levels are fine. I understand too little estrogen will affect some womens desire for sex. Is she the analytical/logical type rather than the affectionate type? It just seems to me like you are both good people but just mismatched on the physical level which is a very big deal and something that can't really be changed.

 

She has said since she went off of her shot and on the nuva ring her sex drive has gone completely away. That was one of her myriad of excuses, so I didn't pay it that much attention. Perhaps there is credence to that one.

 

It really goes beyond sex though. After a hard day at school or work, nothing is better than a big hug or kiss, or cuddling. I get ZERO of that. It's really physical companionship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think at this point you have to accept she has a low sex drive, and is not interested in a regular/normal sex life. Normal sex is 2 or 3 times a week, not 6 or 7 times a year.

 

So if you want a good sex life, this isn't the woman for it.

[chigal28]

She has said since she went off of her shot and on the nuva ring her sex drive has gone completely away. That was one of her myriad of excuses, so I didn't pay it that much attention. Perhaps there is credence to that one.

 

It really goes beyond sex though. After a hard day at school or work, nothing is better than a big hug or kiss, or cuddling. I get ZERO of that. It's really physical companionship.

 

Well, now that one I can completely relate to. I tried the NuvaRing because I was tired of having to remember to take a pill at the same time every day, and I literally felt like I became a different person. My sex drive dropped to below zero (when normally I really enjoy it), and I felt dull, listless, and just generally blah.

 

But still...no cuddling or kissing or hugging? That's beyond sad. :sad:

[RyanD333]

So,

 

now I'm here. Debating whether to talk to her about it AGAIN or simply tell her I'm leaving and it's over. I barely said hello to her when I got home, she knows something is up I'm sure.

 

I'm really tired of talking, it's not going to get anywhere and will just spurn an argument.

[DN]

Why not a combination of both - tell her why you want to leave and give her an opportunity to talk seriously? If she won't talk or gets defensive or starts to blame you - then just tell her you have now decided to leave - and leave.

[blue69]

I might suggest reading a book called, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Smalley. Pretty good read on trying to improve understanding of communication between couples.

 

Overall your communication methods don't seem to be effective. Evaluate how you bring up the topic. Are you making accusations? Do you slant the questions to make them defensive. A lot of times when someone gets defensive it is because you put a lot of "you do this" or "you do that" type statements. Instead focus on the "me" and "we" things. Like, "I really enjoy the initimate moments we have together, is there anything I can do to help improve things for you?" If your conversations seem to always end in arguments, focus on how you communicate the message and try a different method.

 

Once you begin communicating without fighting you will make better progress.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. Have you offered to go to a Dr appt with her. Maybe discuss the affects of her conditions and get some expert advise on some of the medical issues and how to best approach those?

[RyanD333]

She brought me my mail and said she's going to bed, that was it.

 

I almost feel like beginning the move tomorrow while she's at work. Yet that seems so childish and immature. I'm just miserable. And sick =(

 

Went to the doctor today and I have bronchitis. What next?

[hiphop3]

She brought me my mail and said she's going to bed, that was it.

 

I almost feel like beginning the move tomorrow while she's at work. Yet that seems so childish and immature. I'm just miserable. And sick =(

 

Went to the doctor today and I have bronchitis. What next?

 

have you actually talked to your roommates to see if they would have you back?

have a definite back up plan before you move out

[RyanD333]

have you actually talked to your roommates to see if they would have you back?

have a definite back up plan before you move out

 

Yea, they'd love to have me back. A LOT of my stuff is still there as well. It wouldn't be that bad, just a day move.

 

It's just so pathetic. First time I've lived with a girl, and it lasts a week. I just don't know what else to do. People make mistakes I suppose.

[JadedStar]

Yea don't do anything rash. Make a plan if you really want to move. See what options you have. And let her know. Don't just move out. Explain why and if you do still care for her leave it open to keep dating, but you need a real cometojesus meeting with this woman to let her know the relationship is dangling above a very steep mountain without much of a net.