I just punched my ex in the face

[renaissancewoman101]

I think for therapy, you can find therapists that work on a sliding scale, based on your income and stuff. I did that once before many years ago, when I first moved Wisconsin and started college. I know it was NOT associated with the college. I think it was through some Lutheran social services.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Almost all states and some counties have free or reduced cost counseling services scaled to what you can afford to pay.

 

Contact your state (and county) social services organization and ask for a referral. A women's shelter might also have information on such services. Some universities may also offer counseling in a teaching/training capacity.

 

I think rather than focusing on giving him an apology, you need to recognize that right now being around him and in contact with him is doing both you and him harm, and you are acting out and doing dangerous things that could harm him, you, and result in legal action against you including potential jail time.

 

So i suggest that right now, you have absolutely no contact with him at all, until you get some counseling and get better control of your feelings.

 

Al-Anon can be helpful in dealing with some issues, but you need professional counseling to help you deal with these issues.

 

I think you have lots of unresolved issues from your past regarding alcoholics that you might be taking out on this ex, and are tapping into a deep well of rage that you shouldn't be addressing on your own, but with professional help.

 

So recognize that right now the best thing you can do is to leave him alone entirely, and stop fixating on him. I also suggest that you stop contacting this other girl that is involved with him, because that is forming an unhealthy triangle that is also stirring up emotions that need to be dealt with in therapy.

 

So the best way to show you are not psycho is to immediately stop acting this way, and stop all interaction and contact with him, which you shouldn't be doing at all. You aren't exhibiting psychotic behavior per se if you aren't hallucinating, but you are showing behavior that is very damaging for yourself and others, so you need to chill and stop confronting the stimulus for that anger, which is your ex.

 

You need to de-escalate your own emotions and anger, and that means avoiding him and this other girl entirely and not interacting with them. Just let it go, and go get help for yourself.

[annie24]

yes, i fully agree with DN. if this were a man who hit his ex-gf, we'd be screaming bloody murder right now. it's not right to hit someone like that, especially since it wasn't in self-defense. i think you also need to apologize for the hitting. sure, we've all been frustrated or screwed over by exes, but it's not the way to handle things. i agree with seeking therapy and finding better ways to express your anger.

[hers]

now girl, if you wernt so against weed this would never have happened you know what im saying

 

Ok so whats done is done. i dont know if apologising with a card, email or txt would be a good idea or not but, i think this should mark the end of anymore contact with him and his dog. ( the dog helps bring back warm emotions with ur ex too it sounds like).

 

about the anger problem... idk, you cant really overcome an anger problm...or anything for that matter. Just stay on top of it

and know when your in a situation thats gonna piss you off and concentrate on not letting your mind take action without your permission. (make sense?)

 

Also everyone makes mistakes including you, hopefully you can learn from this lesson and apply your new knowledge to everything.

 

 

 

I must watch that real world episode.

 

What's funny is that the past few weeks, actually right about the time he started writing me, I thought to myself "I really need to start smoking pot again. This crap is too much" and even thought that tonight. I even considered calling a friend I know who woudl smoke me out. Life sucks.

[JadedStar]

I agree with Bestrong Hersmudders and if you don't break complete contact with him i sense strongly that you will serve some jail time in the future. You know that being around him is going to be toxic. You can't wait and hope for some more sweet tidbits like the other night because even if they come they will be followed by confusing behavior that obviously makes you act extremely irrational.

 

he could have pressed charges. Next time he might. Cease all contact. No more watching the dog or anything else that will put you near him. I have a feeling you won't do that, but I urge you to do it just the same. I felt in your other thread that you were being extremely irrational by not letting him cmoe to get the dog because of who would be driving him. YOu rationalized it by saying you wouldn't put yourself into uncomfortable circumstance but there is a fine line with that...if she came into your home and sat on your couch that would be an uncomfortable circumstance. Her only being the driver of him to your home and staying in the car was not. Sure you didn't like it, but it was not an UNREASONALBE request. That is the difference. If you are uncomfortable over something that is not a reasonably uncomfortable situation then the onus is on you to change your stance.

 

If you were a guy and he the girl YOU WOULD be in jail right now. And you still yet might serve some time if this happens again. It just is not acceptable in any shape or form.

[hers]

I know that in a few months, like clockwork, he will be writing or texting me again telling me the same things as he did this last time. Only difference will be that I will not be there to take those emails or calls. I am cutting him out completely.

[thejigsup]

I am so worried about your safety. What happens when you lash out at someone who has a knife or is packing a gun? Think about this possibility before you do this again. While I know how anger can drive us to acts we do not necessarily agree with, this hitting people can only end with you either hurt, dead, or arrested. Please look for help anywhere you can. You are a good person who just has trouble controlling her anger. There is help out there for that, keep looking.

[annie24]

hersmudder - enotalone is kind of therapy too. i think we talk about a lot of the same stuff that a therapist would.

 

next time you are frustrated or angry, instead of lashing out in anger, call a friend, or post online and talk about how you are feeling. sometimes, just the fact that someone else can commiserate with my situation makes me feel better. or, like the others said - exercise. go for a walk or run, punch a pillow, get your anger out. but certainly, don't hit anyone!

[hers]

I have never acted out physically on a stranger. I actually get really scared about that sort of thing, b/c that is the first thing I think of--what if they're packing heat? So I don't tell off people in stores or anything like htat (with the exception of the one guy I told to eff off after he made obscene gestures at me, but even then I was scared he'd meeet me in the parking lot to knife me).

 

I have only reacted this way in relationships. My sister and I used to fight constantly as children, and I got spanked regularly by my mom as a child, but I have never lashed out this way except to this ex and my recent ex boyfriend who pissed me off and I smacked his leg.

[hers]

hersmudder - enotalone is kind of therapy too. i think we talk about a lot of the same stuff that a therapist would.

 

next time you are frustrated or angry, instead of lashing out in anger, call a friend, or post online and talk about how you are feeling. sometimes, just the fact that someone else can commiserate with my situation makes me feel better. or, like the others said - exercise. go for a walk or run, punch a pillow, get your anger out. but certainly, don't hit anyone!

 

I know that I shouldn't. I do know better. I've seen firsthand what hitting people does to others (I mentioned my mom went through it when I was a child). And it's so weird--I don't plan it. I will think it but I don't plan it. And when I hit him tonight, it was so immediate that I didn't even realize it till the split second after I did it.

[annie24]

yeah, i guess that is something that you learned growing up. however, it's not right. you have to untrain yourself. maybe a therapist of some sort who specializes in anger management (and is cheap or low cost) would be a good thing. maybe they know some techniques.

 

like if you are angry, stop, count to 10, walk away. you don't have to react to things immediately, you can stop and think about them for a while, and formulate a better response.

[DN]

And when I hit him tonight, it was so immediate that I didn't even realize it till the split second after I did it.

Well you did have to open the car door to do it. So it wasn't immediate - fast perhaps but not immediate. There were at least two actions involved.

[hers]

I realize that--you guys know what I mean. It all happened so fast htat I didn't realize it till after.

[DN]

And that is why you need to get help. Because if you can't control impulses then who knows where that could lead.

[hers]

I just can't understand why he'd sleep with her despite telling me the night before how he stil "felt" about me. How is that fair and acceptable? It hurts so much.

[JadedStar]

Because some people are not fair hersmudders and that is the part you have to get past. Not everyone is truthful and honest, and not everyone is fair. You are allowing yourself to get this bent out of shape trusting a guy who never gave you a reason to trust him. There comes a time when the onus is on you for believing things that he says that are not backed up by actions or his history.

 

you are angry and upset that he isn't the man you want him to be, but anger doesn't change that. YOu know he is not going to be the man for you but you are going to end up doing something drastic enough to get you put in jail before you realize that unless you make some serious changes girl.

[annie24]

you have to think about the outcome that you want. why did you hit him? what were you hoping it would achieve? after you hit him, do you think he wanted you back? no, more than likely, he said to himself, "wow, that chick is crazy. i'm glad i'm with this new girl.' it probably solidified in his mind that cheating was the right thing to do.

 

you need to walk away with your head held high, no drama. it's better for an ex to see you happy and classy and then they wonder if they made a mistake, rather than hitting and then they know they made the right decision.

[hers]

 

you need to walk away with your head held high, no drama. it's better for an ex to see you happy and classy and then they wonder if they made a mistake, rather than hitting and then they know they made the right decision.

 

Ironically, that was my intention in the first place....

[annie24]

yeah, see how punching him probably didn't make him feel that way?

[hers]

yeah, see how punching him probably didn't make him feel that way?

 

I suspect being called b***h clued me in!

[greensleeves]

From what I read in your previous thread about the dog and in this thread, you tend to be irrational at times. You're not psycho, but you do need some help or you're going to end up in some very serious trouble. Granted, you've had some bad experiences with alcoholics, but you have to learn to get past that, at least to the extent that you can control you impulses and rationally think things through. You were exposed to violent behaviour in your childhood and that probably has alot to do with your anger, but you can rise above that, you'll just need some help along the way.

 

Maybe you could call a centre for abused women and explain the situation to them...I'm sure that they would be able to recommend some helpful resources and perhaps some free or low cost counselling. You know your actions were wrong, and this isn't the first time that you've physically lashed out at someone, so get some help with this before it escalates.

 

I do think you owe your ex a very simple apology, but if you're able to do it by email that would be best, and I'd keep it very short and stick to the issue at hand and not delve into the fact that he hurt you.

[annie24]

i don't know - maybe you saw your mom get hit, but then she stayed around. maybe you were hoping the same would happen? but that is not a healthy relationship dynamic.

 

no more hitting, ok? gotta stop and pause and think and walk away.

[hers]

I know I think irrationally. I have such issues with acting on impulse and not thinkiing things through.

 

I took some great pictures of Hugo this week and I wanted to send them to my ex, but I feel like I killed any chance of that. I still think he shoudl have the pictures b/c he loves having picture sof his dog. Maybe I can send them to him and simply say "I'm sorry for what i did"?

[renaissancewoman101]

I know I think irrationally. I have such issues with acting on impulse and not thinkiing things through.

 

I took some great pictures of Hugo this week and I wanted to send them to my ex, but I feel like I killed any chance of that. I still think he shoudl have the pictures b/c he loves having picture sof his dog. Maybe I can send them to him and simply say "I'm sorry for what i did"?

 

That could be a good way to apologize.

 

And then after that, work on yourself and let him go.

[hers]

He's said to me countless times, even tonight, that my apologies are BS and I never mean any of them. I have meant every apology I've given him. I just dont want him to write me back saying all sorts of mean things, like I know he's prone to do.