I just punched my ex in the face

[DN]

I absolutely should not say this, but the fact that you you hit him made me chuckle,

If a man had posted that he punched his girlfriend in the face would that have made you chuckle?

 

It really troubles me that people just don't seem to take female violence against males seriously and this thread has seen a lot of that. It's all very well to say that she should not have done it but the reasons for not doing it are also important.

 

Violence against another human being under any circumstances, other self defence, should be condemned and equally strongly. And the best reason is because it is wrong in and of itself.

[just M.E.]

DN - No it wouldn't, the chuckle came from the visual of the underdog fighting back, that is a human reaction, which is why we react to it so strongly in the movies.

 

No she should not have hit him, as I said, but imaging that hit would have some reward. It isn't the violence, it's a building up of frustration and helplessness that comes out in that unacceptable action. I don't condone any person hitting or being violent to another.

 

When one has been hurt badly, manipulated and abused both physically and emotionally, it is a normal reaction to wish your abuser understood the pain you felt. You build anger to that person because deep down you know they had no right to subject you to abuse.

 

Releasing that anger by hitting another person isn't the answer, but I certainly understand that desire to do so.

 

As a earlies 20's woman, I lay curled on the floor while my then husband kicked the s*** out of me. I often dreamed that he would have something in life that would balance against that action. When he first started hitting me, I was very young and reacted like I would when my brother got rough and hit, I gave a pop back. I learned that my ex just escalated the violence and a woman is never as strong as a man. It happened a lot and I thought at that age my only escape was suicide.

 

No, I don't ever advocate voilence as I have received my share. This is a hard post to respond to, that is a memory that doesn't go away and fade, there is an ultimate feeling of powerlessness there.

 

Now that we've pulled that scab off that ugly wound, please remember that I stated in my original post that she shouldn't have done that.

[DN]

I am sorry that you were abused. That should never happen to anyone.

 

But if you read hersmudders posts she was never physically abused by her ex - in fact the opposite occurred, she hit him before this incident.

 

Emotional abuse is a harder thing to deal with because much of it is viewed differently by the people involved. In this case she perceived his words and actions in a different way than he did. And it is not at all clear who was more right or more wrong. So casting this as an underdog situation is not necessarily accurate.

[hers]

I understood what everyone was saying 10 pages ago. And I agree with DN's advice about 95 percent of the posts he makes on all threads I see him respond to on this whole forum. I take what everyone says seriously, especially on my own threads and even more so on this matter.

 

However, when I asked for opinions on what my ex should be faced with, I'm asking for objective opinions. Not to be analyzed deeper. Not to be told I shouldn't wonder. Not to avoid taking responsibilities for my actions. Not to take the focus off myself. But out of strict curiosity of what others think.

 

I appreciate this board as it has helped me tremendously with many things, but I hate that a person just can't ask a question out of curiosity without 12 pages more of psychological analyzation. Please everyone understand that I've taken responsibilities for my actions and that I'm never contacting again and that I know I should not have hit him. I said all this pages ago. Please give me the courtesy of not beating a dead horse and analyzing me more deeply because I ask a question of what others think.

I also agree with DN that female-on-male violence is just as serious as men hitting women and that violence is not the answer to being hurt, as I've said multiple times. I just reacted badly and know I have to face issues I never realized were such major problems.

[Seraphim]

Ok being that you understand all your responsibility in it, I think what you are saying is that you want to know if he should apologise for the mean things he did to you or feel bad.Everyone who does something bad to another person should apologise, however it does not mean that they will or do. You may not get his apology, but for YOUR peace of mind give yours and walk away, you will have been the better person.

[hers]

Ok being that you understand all your responsibility in it, I think what you are saying is that you want to know if he should apologise for the mean things he did to you or feel bad.Everyone who does something bad to another person should apologise, however it does not mean that they will or do. You may not get his apology, but for YOUR peace of mind give yours and walk away, you will have been the better person.

 

Thank you. This is exactly what I was looking for--just validation that it was ok to feel hurt by what he did and expect something out of it, even if I never get it. It was just a curious question with want of an answer at an objective standpoint. You could have told me he didn't have to apologize at all, that he did nothing wrong, that I have no right to be upset, and that's fine, as long as you don't analyze me further.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>> as long as you don't analyze me further.

 

But you ask a question and people ARE giving you their opinions... they can't read your mind and know when to stop 'analyzing' you.

 

When you post on this board, just ignore things that don't seem to have value for you. But you can't expect people to read your mind and know what will have value for you and what won't, so they give their opinions on the topics being discussed.

 

You can't open a discussion, then tell everybody to shut up if you don't like what they have to say. You can just quit reading, or block individual users whose opinions you don't find useful.

 

People won't respond to your threads if you criticize them for trying to help you.

[hers]

I wasn't criticizing them to help me. I've said many times in this thread what people were still trying to point out to me--that I know I was wrong, that I shouldn't have hit him, that I have issues with my emotions. I simply asked what he should be responsible for, and people responded further with I was wrong for doing that, I shoudln't have hit him, I have issues with my emotions.

[DN]

You are entitled to your feelings and your emotions - of course you are. And if anyone hurts you it is your emotions that count - you are the one who feels them.

 

But it is also important to understand that people don't always mean to hurt you. Sometimes they do but more often it is because they are being thoughtless, or inconsiderate because they are living their own lives and have their own demons to contend with. Just as you ex does. He sure doesn't sound as if he is happy.

 

So your emotions are valid - it what you do as a result of them that is going to either make you even more unhappy than you already are or help you deal with them and move on.

 

Don't let other people and their actions define who you are.

[hers]

You are entitled to your feelings and your emotions - of course you are. And if anyone hurts you it is your emotions that count - you are the one who feels them.

 

But it is also important to understand that people don't always mean to hurt you. Sometimes they do but more often it is because they are being thoughtless, or inconsiderate because they are living their own lives and have their own demons to contend with. Just as you ex does. He sure doesn't sound as if he is happy.

 

So your emotions are valid - it what you do as a result of them that is going to either make you even more unhappy than you already are or help you deal with them and move on.

 

Don't let other people and their actions define who you are.

 

My ex tries to say he's happy, but when you drink that much, you can't possibly be happy. I don't see it in his face that he's happy either.

 

I don't know why he did that. I do think he has demons he's working with, just as I have mine, so of course it's not easy to put others' feelings first. But that's not to say you can't consider them at all. I guess that's the difference with me and him--if I thought he'd get hurt out of my seeing another guy the day I told him I loved him, I wouldn't see the other guy until I sorted my feelings out. The world isn't perfect.

[DN]

It's very hard not to take things personally especially from someone close to us. But sometimes people are just so wrapped up in their own issues they can't see past them.

 

I mean, when you come to think about it, no one who drinks as much as he does is in their proper state of mind at any time, but especially at times of emotional stress.

[hers]

Even when he's sober, he's still an alcoholic and still has issues underneath that no one knows. Yes, I have to agree with you fully.

[just M.E.]

Thank you. This is exactly what I was looking for--just validation that it was ok to feel hurt by what he did and expect something out of it, even if I never get it. It was just a curious question with want of an answer at an objective standpoint. You could have told me he didn't have to apologize at all, that he did nothing wrong, that I have no right to be upset, and that's fine, as long as you don't analyze me further.

 

Here is the Catch 22 of your situation.

 

-You have a right to feel hurt by what he has done.

 

-It is natural to wish for an apology and vindication.

 

-You won't get either from him and vindication from us is sorta meaningless.

 

-A quality person would have the courage to apologize for what he did.

 

-A quality person would not have hurt you as he did.

 

-Don't get hung up on anything from him, stay above all of quagmire and drama.

 

If you can find that path to letting go, if you can find how not to let what he did, stay with you, you win out over the hurt. When you learn that you make choices and when someone hurts you, you make the choice to distance yourself from that person ..... then you will find there are less people in your life that hurt you.

 

All these things go full circle and you are looking at this wanting to fix the issues you feel emotionally. That is how you step on that path to being the woman who has her own power and control.

 

When he has done something that takes you emotionally to that "out of control" place, then he has control and ownership over you. What you are learning is that he can only have that control if you give it to him.

 

Yes, you need validation and a good person would not have hurt you and a good person would apologize. You won't get any of that from him BUT you will get that from yourself and that is what is truly important.

[DN]

The thing to remember, and to hold onto, is that his issues are no longer your issues.

 

That is a burden you can now take off your shoulders.

[JadedStar]

hersmudders, i know i am late coming back to this but i was gone the past few days, but reading some of your newer replies i honestly do not think you are ready for a new relationship anytime soon with anyone because the fact that you now feel he was deserving of the punch is pretty alarming. This means that in the future you will more than likely do this again if you ALLOW someone to make you this angry. You feel justified in your output of anger and that is dangerous.

 

You asked what he should have deserved if not the punch, my response is ... nothing.

 

you knew he was the type to confuse and hurt you. this was not anything new. You chose to let him back into your life to tell you sweet nothings and you chose to believe it. Sure, he's not a nice person for doing that, but what are we going to do, start hunting people down and locking them up or punching them for being a louse?

 

i think deep down you are MORE angry at yourself than him for falling for this again and I think you should dig deep and ask yourself if this is true and if it is stop obsessing over what he did that made you angry and instead work on the anger you have with yourself for falling for it and proactively change your actions so that you are not in this predicament in the future.

 

As DN said, you are not the only one with feelings in this equation. He has them, as does this other girl. He might have meant every word he told you AT THAT moment. Some people are wishy washy and their feelings change with frequency. But that is not a reason to slug them, just because they at one moment very much felt one thing and the next day the feeling went away.

[My Advice]

And I am very sorry that violence of this nature is OK with you---

 

Well okay, we are both sorry then.

 

his is the law of savagery and has no place in civilised society. ---

 

Neither doe betrayal and people aren't acting on their best behavior when it has happened to them.

[Oryx]

Honestly, as much as I don't like violence, he deserved it. Physical pain is temporary but the emotional pain he put you through takes so much longer to heal. If he wasn't sorry for hurting you emotionally you shouldn't be sorry for hurting him physically.

He could be man enough to apologize for hurting you so much but he didn't. He could call and at least ask why you punched him but he didn't because he knows why. He knows what he did was wrong but he doesn't want to admit it.

 

 

Oh and I don't know what I missed because I didn't really feel like reading 14 pages of replies so sorry if I missed something haha

[greensleeves]

Honestly, as much as I don't like violence, he deserved it. Physical pain is temporary but the emotional pain he put you through takes so much longer to heal. If he wasn't sorry for hurting you emotionally you shouldn't be sorry for hurting him physically.

He could be man enough to apologize for hurting you so much but he didn't. He could call and at least ask why you punched him but he didn't because he knows why. He knows what he did was wrong but he doesn't want to admit it.

 

 

Oh and I don't know what I missed because I didn't really feel like reading 14 pages of replies so sorry if I missed something haha

 

So let me get this right. If you decided you didn't want to see someone anymore, or said something that might hurt them, or they misinterpreted something you said, you feel it would be okay for them to punch you in the face?

[hers]

Last night I went to a meeting on step 9 (making amends) and spoke about my ex and how I know I will have to make amends to him one day for what I did last week. Afterward, I got to talk to my sponsor, who was at the same meeting. I told her I'm still feeling that he deserved it and don't feel remorse, and she said that's ok, bc if I try to convince myself any sooner that I am apologetic for it and later find out I'm not sorry for it, more resentment will grow and will eventually cause more anger. So while others here are saying I shouldn't have done it, how I need help to deal with my issues, etc, I would like to say thank you for your advice but I will not force regret on myslef for what I did. Its ok that this is how I'm feeling right now bc its where my higher power needs me to be. I'm sure many of you don't understand that, and that's ok, but this is what I'm feeling now at this minute and I'm ok with that.

[hers]

Greensleeves, I did not punch him bc he told me he couldn't see me. I didn't do it bc we couldn't be together or bc he slept with that girl. I didn't do it over a misunderstanding. I did it bc he deliberately hurt me. And in tha intense moment of anger and sadness and pain, I did what I probably shouldn't have done but the first thing that instinctivly came to mind. Do not act as though I punched him for no reason or out of jealousy or anything. He deliberately hurt me. What the previous poster is saying that he will get over it probably faster than I can get over my pain. Please let's not turn this into a debate. We've already been through 14 or something pages of people saying violence is wrong, you shouldn't have done that.

[JadedStar]

It is alarming that you are okay with it hersmudders.

 

You are totally looking for every shred of info that will make you feel better about what you did and quite honestly I think your sponsor is wrong.

 

Funny how you listen to him/her so readily when it is but one person's recommendation simply because it is in agreement with you. One person vs how many on this thread? You have had the benefit of some of the forum's heavy hitters and others who seem to have their head on straight weighing in on this so personally I would not be so quick to say they are wrong and this sponsor is right.

 

I have a feeling you will punch someone again as soon as you are angered. That is pretty sad. In the first half of htis thread you were sounding like you were on your way to a healthy outcome. You have backslid so miserably that I don't have much more to say.

 

I strongly suggest a qualified counselor for your issues in addition to this sponsor. Alanon is great, but the people who are sponsors are not qualified and are simply there for support.

[JadedStar]

We've already been through 14 or something pages of people saying violence is wrong, you shouldn't have done that.

 

Excuse me? Why should we not have? You posted a thread, we responded appropriately and accordingly.

[hers]

JS my sponsor is not a stranger, she understands alcoholism and what it does to people. She knows my full story and me. I've listened to the advice on here. I know I have issues. I was merely saying that I will not force regret on myself bc its not what I'm truly feeling right now. Please let's not turn this into a debate. You can tell me its sad all you want but its already registered with me and now you're all just beating a dead horse. Its all repetitive. Please let's just leave it alone.

[My Advice]

Hersmudders, presumably you don't normally punch your ex's or partners. This crowd isn't going to agree on whether or not what you did was sympathetic. All that aside, you should seek counciling before you renter a relationship. Right now you are far too unstable for a new one. This is all pretty obvious, but do you agree?

[hers]

Yes my advice, I do agree and always have. I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me and "be on my side" but I just want people to stop repeating what's already been said many times.