I just punched my ex in the face

[greensleeves]

I still think he shoudl have the pictures b/c he loves having picture sof his dog. Maybe I can send them to him and simply say "I'm sorry for what i did"?

 

I think that would be okay, but you must leave it at that and not get drawn into any more communication with him. It's not good for you...if you re-read your thread from last night, you can see how contact with him does you no no good at all...you went from super-high, to sad and confused, to extremely angry, all within a few hours and then tonight happened. Stay away from him and get yourself some help. You can learn to overcome the things in your past that are having such a negative effect on your present and have a much better future.

[amure]

lol dont feel bad. stuff happens, he will get over it lol. it might ward him away (which is a good thing if hes making you feel bad)

[Debbie37]

Anger management is a fairly common problem. I think there's a very good chance that there are some free anger management techniques and/or classes in your area. It is up to you too find them, if you are serious about changing your behavior. Hitting someone of the opposite sex is a definite sign that you need to get help.

 

It is very good that you are recognizing that this is not ok, because that will give you the motivation to change your actions. This was one of your ugliest moments in your life (I'm guessing). However, you can make this a single unfortunate action in a series of positive ones.

 

The good thing about this post is hersmudders seems willing to get help. If a guy made the exact same post, I would give him the same advice, because he would be willing to change. Chronically abusive people who are unwilling to change are truly psychos, and hersmudders is neither.

 

Also, any contact with this guy is unhealthy. Don't take care of his dog, don't answer his calls, don't email. Apologize once you are ready, and then don't speak to him again. It is a very toxic relationship on both angles.

 

The poster who said you probably have deep seated feelings of rage towards alcoholics, due to your mother, was making a very good point.

[DN]

I don't think a shelter for abused women is likely to be of much help - they are not going to give you entirely unbiased advice. You have seen on this thread how much of the advice you have received is either supportive of you punching your ex or treats it very lightly - and how the focus is entirely on you rather than on any injury you may have caused him.

 

Be very careful that you don't allow yourself to be convinced that you are an innocent victim of this man who was pushed beyond her endurance and finally lashed out - as if it were the result of the 'battered woman syndrome'.

 

You weren't and it wasn't. The assault by you on your ex was the culmination of a confrontation begun and escalated by you last night and there is zero excuse for it. As Annie pointed out - had you been a man posting the exact same story people would have reacted very differently.

Although you have taken a certain amount of responsibility there are signs that this might soon wear off and before long you will be persuaded into shifting the blame to him. The most obvious is your reluctance to apologise for your violence. This is not a quid pro qou situation where he should apologise to you and then you apologise to him.

 

He says he has done nothing to apologise for and he may have a point since you are not together so it is at least arguable. Your apology should be made because you were entirely in the wrong for punching him and there can be no argument about that - surely?

 

Get unbiased help that deals with you and your issues - not the sort of help that will start to justify in any way what you did as has happened on occasion in this thread.

[greensleeves]

I completely agree with this DN. When I suggested contacting a shelter, my hope was that they would have in their database some type of organization that could offer her free or low cost counselling for women or men who are suffering from anger issues and could suggest some resources for her. This is definitely not a result of battered women's syndrome and from what hersmudders has written about her actions and her past, she seems to understand that this is her issue, not his. She knows that despite the fact that he angered her, her behaviour was completely unacceptable. I wasn't at all suggesting that the blame lies with him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Women's shelters are a good source of information about anything related to abuse, anger, and violence, including referrals to counselors who deal with that.

 

I don't think anyone was suggesting that hermudders' boyfriend is at fault here regarding this incident or that she is a battered woman, just that she needs to see a counselor that handles anger issues to deal with her problem, and a shelter can refer to resources for anger management.

[summerpeach]

If I give you my ex's address, do you think you can pay him a visit? ;-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kididng of course. There are just some people that feed enough anger that you feel you need to lash out

My ex told me his ex girfriend attacked him to the point he had to call the police. I thought she was nuts, but being with him for 3 yrs, I can see were her anger came from.

I never hit my ex, but hit a wall in his honor and I NEVER in my life hit anything when angry at the ex I was with for 11 yrs of the one of 2 yrs.

Some people just know the buttons to push

[DN]

What I am concerned about is that there are already a number of people on this thread who seem to take female on male violence less seriously than the other way around or who buy into the idea that it is somehow not that bad because hersmudders was angry at him and thereforee he was at least partly to blame.

 

Going to a woman's shelter for advice on violence would be a good idea if it were the male that were violent. But if there is any chance that she will receive the sort of sympathetic treatment that we have seen on here that minimises her part and shifts the focus of the sort of help she needs from her issues to how she was treated by her ex - that is unlikely to be of much value.

[CoCo2009]

I agree its sad that its "okay" for a woman to hit a man. Its not fair I used to be like that too and I was lucky enough to not have gotten knocked out or killed by any of my exes. They were gentelman who didn't believe in hitting a woman. I have slapped, punched, pushed etc... and I have changed because that is very bad destructive behaviour. You need to get help before you come in contact with the wrong type of person and get hurt really bad by them and to also get help controlling your anger

[hers]

I think part of the reason why I think it's "ok" for me to hit him was that I knew he'd never hit me back. That's the saddest part--I took advantage of his ability to hold back hitting a woman. I do not want to be like this. I don't know why I'm like this. I can analyze moments in my life all day and try to figure out where it came from, but when it comes down to it, I am my own person with my own thoughts who knows right from wrong, and I failed to control myself and my anger in a situation.

 

 

 

I definitely don't see myself suffering from "battered woman's syndrome". I know what I did, and I know it was wrong. No matter how provoked, one should never hit someone like I did, man or woman. I don't feel the need to go to a woman's shelter for advice b/c I do believe (after dealing with it with my mother) that it instantly turns the man into the problem without looking at the situation without a bias (ie, women are always the victims--it's certainly not true). Growing up, I'd watch my mom provoke and provoke her boyfriends, almost begging to be hit, saying things to them like "HIT ME!" and hitting them herself, and then the second they hit her, she'd scream bloody murder. It's not right, and I don't believe she was the victim even in those situations.

 

 

 

Regardless of how much he hurt me, no, he did not deserve what I did to him. Still, I find myself going back to thinking he deserved it. You just don't have the right to intentionally hurt anyone emotionally like that, just as I had no right t hurt him physically like that. We were both in the wrong, yet I can't seem to break away from the feeling of "he deserved it". Still, I can't focus on that. Now, I have to focus on getting myself help instead of who was right and who was wrong.

 

 

 

Thank you for your sympathy. The most I ever did to someone before this guy was throw a shoe at a boyfriend, and even then it didn't hit him or even come close to it. This guy has pushed such buttons of mine and done things intentionally to me that I just couldn't get past, and it hurt and angered me even more that he feels no remorse for any of it and has always had the nerve to tell me that I don't take responsibility for my actions. I just couldn't take it anymore, and the first time I hit him, he was so ridiculous that I just didn't know what else to do and it just happened. I punched him in his back while he was lying in bed. Since then, I've had such issues with holding back physically--my last boyfriend (guy I dated a couple months after my ex and I stopped talking) I ended up smacking in his leg. It's like the flood gates opened up and I just don't get it. Of course, I'm not blaming anyone for this. I still am my own person who has the ability of self-control, and I failed to act in a manner that woudl keep someone from being hurt.

 

 

 

Regardless if I am a man or woman hitting another woman or man, hitting someone is wrong and I know it. Even though some are acting as though me hitting a guy is not as bad as a guy hitting me, I am brushing that off b/c it is serious. It is a problem and I need to work past it.

 

Thank you everyone so far for your advice. Please keep the advice coming if you can. It's really helping.

 

At this point, I've been able to sleep on it and let the anger subside some. I just need to find the way to forgivness and apologies next.

[DN]

The thing that I think you need help with is control of your emotions. All of them. Not just anger because that is the most obvious. But it is equally important to control feelings of guilt, love, joy, despair and so on. You seem to veer from one peak of emotional intensity to another and that is what is getting you into trouble in many aspects of your life.

[hers]

I have a tendency to over-emotionalize (is that a word?) things. Like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, I'm addicted to emotion, and I've always been a drama queen, often thriving on crises. When I'm sad, I'm overly sad. When I'm lonely, I'm overly lonely. When I'm in love, it's the most intense thing ever. It's all or nothing with me in the emotions department, and I've always known that, but only till I got in Al-Anon did I realize it was a problem (I had always made it sound better by saying I'm "passionate".). So DN is right--I need control of my emotions, not just anger.

[DN]

I have a tendency to over-emotionalize (is that a word?) things. Like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, I'm addicted to emotion, and I've always been a drama queen, often thriving on crises. When I'm sad, I'm overly sad. When I'm lonely, I'm overly lonely. When I'm in love, it's the most intense thing ever. It's all or nothing with me in the emotions department, and I've always known that, but only till I got in Al-Anon did I realize it was a problem (I had always made it sound better by saying I'm "passionate".). So DN is right--I need control of my emotions, not just anger.

Good - well, as they say, recognising that there may be an issue is one step in dealing with it.

 

But there's a catch.

 

You have to be careful that in solving the problem you don't allow the problem to become the only focus in your life. It's a bit of a Catch22.

 

But what it means is that you understand that there are other important aspects to your life as well as this issue - don't let one problem bring you down to the point that it consumes you.

 

Balance in all things - including personal issues.

[hers]

I know that having active alcoholics in my life is what brings me down the most or to my worst. When I don't talk to my mom, I'm fine. When she's around, I'm crazy. When Ian is in my life, I'm crazy. When he's not in my life, I'm fine. Before he wrote me again, even with some issues I had wiht my last boyfriend and my sister, I was still happy and felt at ease with the issues I was facing--that I could get through them. When my mom and Ian are in my life, I feel that nothing will ever change and it will just get worse.

 

I never realized how unmanageable I allow my life to become when someone so consumed by alcohol is in it. Now it's a matter of safe boundaries while I try to get back to the place I was before he started writing me again.

[DN]

OK - now think about this.

 

You are allowing other people in your life to define you and you are allowing your reactions to their actions to control who you are and what you do.

 

As hard as this may be to accept - this is not about them, instead this is about you.

[hers]

OK - now think about this.

 

You are allowing other people in your life to define you and you are allowing your reactions to their actions to control who you are and what you do.

 

As hard as this may be to accept - this is not about them, instead this is about you.

 

Oh I realize that; I'm just saying now I recognize where the deepest part of it comes from, what brings out the worst in me. I'm not saying they are to blame comepletely for what it is I do or don't do, but I know that the bulk of my ability to over-emotionalize comes from that, and when that's in my life, it's out in full force.

[DN]

That isn't what I meant.

 

It's not if they are to blame or not. People do crappy things to us. It's how we deal with it when they do that is important.

[tiredofvampires]

I definitely don't see myself suffering from "battered woman's syndrome". I know what I did, and I know it was wrong. No matter how provoked, one should never hit someone like I did, man or woman. I don't feel the need to go to a woman's shelter for advice b/c I do believe (after dealing with it with my mother) that it instantly turns the man into the problem without looking at the situation without a bias (ie, women are always the victims--it's certainly not true). Growing up, I'd watch my mom provoke and provoke her boyfriends, almost begging to be hit, saying things to them like "HIT ME!" and hitting them herself, and then the second they hit her, she'd scream bloody murder. It's not right, and I don't believe she was the victim even in those situations.

 

I'm not sure what the response would be at a women's shelter if you called and said, "I'm not calling because I've been battered, but I do need some resources that you might help me with. I've been physically aggressive and struck out at someone, and this isn't the first time -- and so I'm trying to get referrals to anger management programs or counsellors, since I think it's me who needs the help. I don't have the money for therapy due to financial hardship, but I do need help asap and hope you have some leads for me."

 

Remember, even if lesbian relationships, there can be physical abuse, like any other dysfunctional relationship. It's not a male or female issue. And so I think greensleeve's advice is sound, just as one other avenue for resources, since you've got to try as many avenues as possible. Crisis hotline; hospital mental health units; women's shelters. Why not try them all? You don't need to go into the details of the problem or issues, you merely need to state that you have an anger management problem that you're very concerned about in your interpersonal relations, and that should be enough.

 

The situation with your mom is complex. I believe she was victimized as well, but there ARE "crimes of passion" where someone is extremely provoked, such as in the case of her boyfriends. These are legally recognized in some places as such. In her case, I think there is a great deal of self-loathing that was going on that was carried over from her own upbringing. It just goes to show the generational quality of these issues. All her life she's been a victim, and that is all she understands. That's all her brain knows how to be, and so she will either go about reinforcing that.

 

The scary thing about these behaviors is that our brains learn, unless they are taught equally compelling different ways of being, that such things are NORMAL. Once you get into a pattern of expecting to be hit, your brain will seek out being hit. If you aren't being hit, you would rather be hit than wait for it (the inevitable).

 

Once you do the hitting and it feels like some kind of relief from the pain of anger and shame and powerlessness, your brain will seek hitting.

 

That's why it's very important to understand not just techniques to stop that learning process in your brain RIGHT NOW, but also to find out the deeper underpinnings of how and why you put yourself in situations where you feel so powerless and hurt. Or why you even feel entitled to certain things which may hurt your feelings, but not be the other person's responsibility.

 

For instance, if your ex sleeps with someone to hurt you, then that's just mean and low. But he's still not your bf anymore, and so in fact who he sleeps with, for whatever reason should no longer be a claim you make in any way. It's highly dysfunctional for you to expect someone who has been hurtful or spiteful during your relationship to spare your feelings after you're broken up; just as it's dyfunctional of him to use another person to spite you after you're broken up. It's just toxic. Once you break up, emotional retribution should be considered toxic waste, and the antidote is NC. If someday you can be cordial or friendly, fine. But you have no business baiting eachother and calling "foul" at this point.

 

Which comes back around to, I don't think he deserved what you did and you know that. I don't think we have to say that to you anymore. There's still something you are rationalizing, but it's misguided. That "but" has got to go -- you need to get to the point where you see your action as COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT of his (which were possibly provoked), even though of course there is a backstory. For that isolated action, there is no deserving for any person. You were not acting in self defense, and that makes you the aggressor, no "but." I think you're waiting to feel sorry based on some forgiveness of all the hurts he's caused you, but that may not be realistic. You can be sorry right now for doing something you knew was over the top just plain abyssmal.

 

One thing I give you a lot of credit for is that even though your posts are disturbing, you really ARE trying to change and want to get better. You write some of the braver posts on here, and that is to your credit.

[hers]

That isn't what I meant.

 

It's not if they are to blame or not. People do crappy things to us. It's how we deal with it when they do that is important.

 

I understand. I guess for too long I've been in "victim" mode rather than focusing on myself. I really thought I had been focusing on myself more, but obviously I haven't.

[hers]

 

One thing I give you a lot of credit for is that even though your posts are disturbing, you really ARE trying to change and want to get better. You write some of the braver posts on here, and that is to your credit.

 

Thank you for this. I often feel so judged, not necessarily on here, but in all of my life for the decisions I make. I can't go to my sister of friends to tell them about my ex, b/c I'll get "What are you thinking???" and those things, when really it hurts more to hear that than it does to be in the situation I'm in. When I call my sponsor or talk to a friend from my program, I feel no judgment or criticism, and I feel accepted for my flaws. When I come here, I try to tell the story on both sides, not just on my side (b/c to be honest, when I read things here, I get annoyed at relationship threads that don't offer the whole story or just offer one side). And as long as teh responses to my threads are constructive, I usually have no problem hearing that I'm wrong (most of them are, but some of them are not exactly flaming but do make me feel attacked, especially considering whatever emotional state I'm writing htem in). And even though my ex AND his other girl are both on this thread, I still will tell the story with as much truth as I can. I try to do it for ME and not worrying what others may think. This is the oneplace besides my program that I can come to for real advice from people who may have gone through what I've gone through.

[DN]

And even though my ex AND his other girl are both on this thread, I still will tell the story with as much truth as I can.

Do you mean that they are members or are reading it?

[hers]

Do you mean that they are members or are reading it?

 

My ex doesn't come on here very frequently, and I just recently found out, maybe 2 weeks ago, that the other girl is on here and has been reading my posts. Howeer, I'm not letting it stop me from posting here. This is part of my therapy.

[tiredofvampires]

I agree with DN that there is a bit of a danger in here.

 

After my ex (the gambling/alcoholic in recovery) left me, I spent a huge amount of time trying to understand what had happened. (This was what propelled me to ENA.) I talked to a lot of people, in 12-step programs as well as those who had had pasts or experiences in relationships with addicts. Some were/are professionals in the mental health field. And one thing what was made very clear to me was that in the mind of the recovering addict (my ex was 7 years abstinent when I met him and doing great in his program, as well as a beloved sponsor), there always has to be some replacement for the feelings of emptiness, powerlessness and lack of control. This one therapist told me in no uncertain terms, "[ToV], if they aren't drinking anymore or gambling anymore, they will be eating to much. If they aren't eating too much, they will be smoking. If not smoking, drinking pots of coffee. If they aren't doing coffee or sex or smoking over overworking, they will be DOING YOU." Meaning, that they will be doing emotional gynastics to get the high of feeling something is "happening." This same therapist (whose father had been an addict) said, "Don't date any more addicts, period. You are prone to fall into the subtle games that will be played, even if they are sober. Your background will create a co-dependency. Leave addicts to other addicts to date." That sounded so harsh to me, but to this day, I feel she gave me a chunk of hard-earned knoweledge that I must've ever forget.

 

This is not to say I think addicts are a hopeless cause; I saw a few in my ex's circles that had happily married, once they cleaned up their lives, and seemed to be in functional relationships that were also healthy. I believe anyone has the power to reform, if they want to.

 

I don't know if the foregoing is applicable to you in any way, but as I see it, what you are expressing is that you are also an addict, as well as someone who lived with addiction, so you have to understand that your mind will find lots of creative ways to recreate familiar 'highs'. I think my ex was, in the words of a meditation teacher I studied with who was also a 12-stepper, "Up against the last frontier" -- that an addict can kick all their substances or extreme behaviors, and yet still not be able to have an emotionally healthy relationship. He was justifying his emotional blackmailing and brutality and narcissism as what he was "entitled" to say or do, up until the end. That was the part no one saw at his 12-step meetings, it was behind our closed doors. He could cut me out of his life, cut out all his obvious addictions, but he still has himself, and his compulsions emotionally that remain unaddressed. He still need to fill that "void" with some behavior that is ruinous, because of his addictive nature -- but you have hope because you want to get to the bottom of such things.

 

First you have to recognize though that you can't just shut out the world to be on top of your game. You have to come to treat the world differently.

 

You would not empower yourself to just avoid triggers, even though that's a good and legit start. You need to find out what triggers you and why, and how not to let your environment dictate your actions. It's flimsy at best to hope that you will be just fine if you avoid feelings and emotions, they are going to arise no matter what. You can cut out booze from being in your house, or never go to a casino (like my ex), but you can't escape you so long as you are in relationships. That truly is the final test, as that mentor put it.

[JadedStar]

For instance, if your ex sleeps with someone to hurt you, then that's just mean and low. But he's still not your bf anymore, and so in fact who he sleeps with, for whatever reason should no longer be a claim you make in any way. It's highly dysfunctional for you to expect someone who has been hurtful or spiteful during your relationship to spare your feelings after you're broken up; just as it's dyfunctional of him to use another person to spite you after you're broken up. It's just toxic. Once you break up, emotional retribution should be considered toxic waste, and the antidote is NC. If someday you can be cordial or friendly, fine. But you have no business baiting eachother and calling "foul" at this point.

ToV said the above and I agree, and I think that even tho you are owning up to your part in this you still have the mentality that he has "wronged" you and that he should apologize for his part. Whatever he did when you two were together has to be beside the point right now. YOu want an apology for the other night and i don't think he owes you one. You already know he is dysfunctional so you can't hang on to the sweetness he showed that one night. Fact is, you are broken up so his being with this other girl...be they friends or lovers...is beside the point and no way shape or form did that give you the okay to hit him. Now i know you realize hitting him was wrong but i do believe you are having a hard time letting go of the anger of her being there and that is what you need to release.

 

You two are not together anymore and you have to let this go. If you chose to believe his sweet nothings (because you know that is all they were, he has never given you any reason to believe that he stand by his word) then the onus is all on you at this point.

 

And like DN said, you can't say that when you are around alcoholics you act a certain way and let that be part of your blame. Since you know that certain people bring out the worst in you then it is up to you to remove yourself from them completely and i honestly do not see you removing this man from your life 100%. Not just yet. I hope you do but i sense he will be back if he asks to come around for whatever reason. I don't think you are ready to release him yet and that is what you have to work hard on right now.

[My Advice]

It is perfectly normal to react aggressively, even abusively, torward's somebody who cheated on you. I know a girl who smashed a vase over her bf's head. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone (besides murder, rape and dismemberment).

 

If somebody snaps, I am sympathetic.

 

Now days cheating is society is looked at marginally which is unfortunate.

 

Smudders needs therapy because she obviously has depression and anger because of what happened, but its because SHE needs it to help recover from her own pain, not because of what she did to him.