I just punched my ex in the face

[hers]

TOV, I know you're right. I just know if I were to apologize right now, at this moment, I woudl not mean it. I need to be in the right frame of mind before I apologize.

[Debbie37]

No one should hit someone of the opposite sex, but it was a one time thing, and you feel sorry for it. You are not a chronic abuser. Also, it sounds like this guy was treating you very badly. The relationship is obviously not good for either of you.

 

Make sure you never do it again, and maybe donate some money to an anti-abuse organization or something.

 

Also, you are right that its a good idea to wait before contacting this guy.

[Katiebaby]

Hey Hersmudders.

I Punched my ex too, and I've never felt so bad about anything before. I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago, and my recent ex (Mal, who knows I've been hit before) and I were having a fight. This was the dude I bought the house with. We were at it one day, and we were in the spare room of the house. I was trying to make my point to him and he didn't want to listen and tried to walk off. So I reached for the doorknob, closed the door and tried to talk to him, but he decided to get in my face and start YELLING. He had me in the corner of the room screaming in my face when I saw him raise his arm.

It was like slow motion when it happened, he raised his arm and slammed his hand into the door frame, like an inch to the left of my face, but I panicked, and by the time his hand was on the door frame, the heel of my hand was into his jaw. Hard.

 

I immediatley apologized but it was too late. He stormed out of the house, drove off in his car and I didn't see him for three hours. As I said, I apologized, and I truly meant it at the time, but looking back, how dare he try and intimidate me. How dare he raise his hand in a threatening manner.

 

So I know how you feel mate. I say leave the message so it's off your chest, and also you won't have to listen to his crap. Sorry for the long post BTW, just wanted to tell my story!

 

Luv Kate xOx

[DN]

Well, this was violence that was a culmination of a confrontation begun by you. You were acting not reacting in this instance because you had been mad at him for at least partly questionable reasons for the last 24 hours or so.

 

When you demanded an apology that was starting the confrontation. Then, when he refused, you didn't just lash out at him, which would have been bad enough, but you actually had to open his car door to punch him in the face. He wasn't being aggressive - in fact you say he was on the point of leaving.

 

And you have been violent in the past with him.

 

Now you are concerned that apologising will give him some sort of power because he hasn't apologised for anything he has done. But even if he has cheated on you, which at least in the last instance is debatable because you are broken up, that is a different thing from deliberately opening his car door and punching him in the face.

 

It is up to you whether you apologise. But I doubt you would be getting quite this level of sympathy and understanding had you been a man punching his ex-girlfriend in the face under similar circumstances - so you might want to look at that aspect of it.

 

The fact is that you committed a crime tonight - you will probably get away with it. But it was a crime and apparently one you have committed before. So I agree with you that some sort of therapy may be required before your anger leads you to do something even more serious that lands you in prison.

[hers]

No one should hit someone of the opposite sex, but it was a one time thing, and you feel sorry for it. You are not a chronic abuser. Also, it sounds like this guy was treating you very badly. The relationship is obviously not good for either of you.

 

Make sure you never do it again, and maybe donate some money to an anti-abuse organization or something.

 

Also, you are right that its a good idea to wait before contacting this guy.

 

I have hit him before, but never in the face. Just in the leg or back or shoulder. I've pushed him a few times too. When I hit someone, I don't even realize I'm doing it until the very second after. It scares me so much.

[DN]

When I hit someone, I don't even realize I'm doing it until the very second after. It scares me so much.

Have you hit other people than him?

[hers]

I know you are right in all of this. I just worry about next time. My next "victim". Will I always be this way? Will I always be this crazy? Shoudl I just give up on relationships until I can figure out if I will always be this ridiculous?

[hers]

Have you hit other people than him?

 

I've thrown shoes and stuff before. I've spanked my dog (but I really nver do that anymore). My last boyfriend, the guy I dated after my ex, I smacked him in his leg b/c he pissed me off.

[tiredofvampires]

I think maybe, someday down the line, after both of you have had therapy and have healed, then maybe you can apoligize to him. But if you think by saying you're sorry, that he'll "win", or draw you back in, abuse you verbally or physically, etc, then you don't have to. As long as you forgive him in your heart and forgive yourself, it's the same deal in my book.

 

I don't agree. I think if a person is unable to contact someone anymore to express their regret, that's when you have to accept that all you can do is apologize in your heart.

 

But if you CAN tell another person that you are sorry, it's an act of humility, and the only way to atone aside from taking back what you did. I feel that saying you're sorry is an act of atonement because you give up your need to not lose face. That's the "price" you pay for doing something wrong to someone, and how they use that is in their hearts to reconcile, but then you've done your part.

 

TOV, I know you're right. I just know if I were to apologize right now, at this moment, I woudl not mean it. I need to be in the right frame of mind before I apologize.

 

Okay, that's fair. But it does sound like you mean it, in this thread, in the sense that you know it was wrong and you regret it. So you DO mean you're sorry you did it, right? Maybe what you feel is that you don't want to be the kind of person that hits people, so you feel sorry for yourself that you did it? But you don't feel sorry for him, hurting him back?

 

I think what it comes down to is deciding to act on "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" even though he's a lout. It doesn't matter who a person is, in that aphorism, it's anyone. Which is why it's hard! It's easy to treat a stranger kindly, but not someone who hasn't treated us kindly, too.

 

So, you don't need to feel great kindness towards him to apologize for a wrong deed. You don't need to be a saint. You don't need to turn the other cheek. But you would want an apology for something like that, and that's all you're giving him.

 

But I get that you're not ready, so that's okay. Just make a point of it in your heart that you WILL do it, when this simmers down for you and you feel readier. If I were you, I'd promise myself. Otherwise, this stained feeling will follow you.

[DN]

I am not wishing to bash you or make you feel bad. But over the last months you have posted about conflicts with a lot of people who have been close to you - both parents, your sister, boyfriend and so on.

 

Now i am sure that the issues you had with these folks have some legitimacy - but the one thing they all have in common is you.

 

So I do think, for your own sake, that you need to step back and take stock of your life. You need to find some stability and serenity within yourself because those things are very much lacking and are obviously causing issues.

 

I think you do need to see a psychiatrist - not because you are insane or nuts or anything like that. But you do need to find out why your life is not going well for you and what it is about you that may be the cause. The other people may or may not be toxic in some way - but there is more to it than that.

[hers]

I think this requires SERIOUS help. If you do not realize you are hitting someone else, there is something very wrong. Like DN said, he was leaving, you were in no danger of anything and you lashed out. You can not justify what you did at all. The only reason and I mean only reason to strike another human being is when you are in fear of your life.

 

I realize that and don't need to be told that again. I already feel bad enough for it, ok? It's not like I'm proud of it.

[hers]

I would love to be back in therapy. I have literally no money. I just filed bankruptcy. I have very little money to spend on myself, and it all goes to bills (within reason). I have to pay taxes soon on my business. I can't afford therapy. That's why I'm so active in Al-Anon, b/c it's free and so helpful.

[hers]

I woudl like responses that do not make me feel even worse than I already do. Everyone else has been constructive. I felt yours was not.

[Roasted Carrots]

TOV, I agree that if you have the means to access someone and apoligize, that you should. But the OP is not in the right state of mind, and would like to say she's sorry but won't mean it for sometime. That is why I suggested some therapy and apoligizing downt the road. But I agree that she should say she's sorry sooner rather than later, and if even after therapy cannot speak to the ex in a healthy manner, that she should just apoligize with her heart.

[tiredofvampires]

I've thrown shoes and stuff before. I've spanked my dog (but I really nver do that anymore). My last boyfriend, the guy I dated after my ex, I smacked him in his leg b/c he pissed me off.

 

Okay, this is all adding up to being disturbing. It's a pattern, not just an isolated incident. It's the way you are not able to control yourself that's the worse problem here, not just not being able to apologize.

 

I agree with DN.

 

I think you need therapy to deal with how you handle anger.

[hers]

What do I do if I can't afford therapy and dont have insurance?

[hers]

Not all posts are meant to be of help, sometimes they are an opinion.

 

This is a forum to come to for help. I'm asking you, for the sake of my current emotional state, to please only post constructive responses and not of opinion that may make me feel worse. Thank you.

[Roasted Carrots]

Hersmudders, is there any free therapy that you can access? Do you know of any support groups for anger? Al-Anon is a good place to start, but I have heard of support groups geared towards anger specifically. Perhaps you could look up one and go to it along with your Al-Anon group.

 

This is kind of a shot in the dark, but is there any way you could contact the person you were in therapy with before? They might take pity and do some sessions for free, or they might be able to give you some more information on cheap or free therapy sessions.

[hers]

Hersmudders, is there any free therapy that you can access? Do you know of any support groups for anger? Al-Anon is a good place to start, but I have heard of support groups geared towards anger specifically. Perhaps you could look up one and go to it along with your Al-Anon group.

 

This is kind of a shot in the dark, but is there any way you could contact the person you were in therapy with before? They might take pity and do some sessions for free, or they might be able to give you some more information on cheap or free therapy sessions.

 

I know the one guy I was in therapy with woudln't do it for free--he on;y does it part time on weekends for extra money.

 

I don't know of any anger support groups. I will look up some. Thank you for the suggestion.

[hers]

Do you have a religious faith? A minister or something you can talk to? I went to one when I lost my baby to talk about my feelings.

 

I am in Al-Anon and have a Higher Power. But no, no religion b/c I dont believe in organized religion (it was hard enough to get into Al-Anon!). I prayed and prayed and prayed last night to not act out in anger when he came to get his dog, to keep myself in the moment and not get emotional, to act in dignity. Something went wrong and I didn't do what I prayed for.

[tiredofvampires]

TOV, I agree that if you have the means to access someone and apoligize, that you should. But the OP is not in the right state of mind, and would like to say she's sorry but won't mean it for sometime. That is why I suggested some therapy and apoligizing downt the road. But I agree that she should say she's sorry sooner rather than later, and if even after therapy cannot speak to the ex in a healthy manner, that she should just apoligize with her heart.

 

I think we basically agree, except that I feel she should issue an apology at SOME point. If she can afford therapy (which it sounds like she can't), or just works through this for another couple of weeks in Alanon, she should be getting to the point where she CAN apologize in a healthy manner. If she can't, then the therapy or counselling or whatever has not been successful in my view. She should be at a point where:

 

1. She can apologize to him sincerely

2. She knows how not to do this kind of thing again, no matter what buttons are pushed

[tiredofvampires]

I think you might look into a crisis hotline and ask them if there is some community health center with mental health services that would try to accommodate your financial hardship.

 

At least try to find a social worker through a hotline who could advise you. Even the hospital might have the name of social workers to refer you to, even if only to ask where you could find help.

 

A lot of people unemployed and on welfare need such services, so there's got to be a way.

[hers]

Even before I am abl to get threapy, how do I get away from the feeling that I'm psycho?

[tiredofvampires]

Tell yourself that if you were psycho, you wouldn't have the thought that you're psycho.

 

People who are psycho (in a clinical sense) don't have any idea of right or wrong. In fact, sometimes they take pleasure in hurting people.

 

You know right from wrong. You just don't have methods of self control, and you need to learn these tactics, so that when you are angry in the future, you become very aware of what you're doing, instead of tuning out.

[sti_2004]

now girl, if you wernt so against weed this would never have happened you know what im saying

 

Ok so whats done is done. i dont know if apologising with a card, email or txt would be a good idea or not but, i think this should mark the end of anymore contact with him and his dog. ( the dog helps bring back warm emotions with ur ex too it sounds like).

 

about the anger problem... idk, you cant really overcome an anger problm...or anything for that matter. Just stay on top of it

and know when your in a situation thats gonna piss you off and concentrate on not letting your mind take action without your permission. (make sense?)

 

Also everyone makes mistakes including you, hopefully you can learn from this lesson and apply your new knowledge to everything.

 

I must watch that real world episode.