I just punched my ex in the face

[DN]

It is perfectly normal to react aggressively, even abusively, torward's somebody who cheated on you. I know a girl who smashed a vase over her bf's head. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to someone (besides murder, rape and dismemberment).

 

If somebody snaps, I am sympathetic.

 

Now days cheating is society is looked at marginally which is unfortunate.

 

Smudders needs therapy because she obviously has depression and anger because of what happened, but its because SHE needs it to help recover from her own pain, not because of what she did to him.

It's also illegal and can land you in prison. That woman who smashed a vase over her b/f's head could easily have killed him. Hersmudders could have cracked her ex's cheekbone and damaged his eye permanently when he was not even in a position to defend himself properly.

 

And it is not even clear that he cheated - they are broken up right now.

 

What she did to him was morally, ethically and legally inexcusable. There is never a good reason to use violence unless in self-defence.

[hers]

He did not cheat on me. We have been broken up since January. What he did though was tell me all of these things I wanted to hear, and then knowingly and willingly hurt me. It wasn't that he slept withthis other girl; it was that he knew what he was doing and knew that it'd hurt me. He completely disregarded my feelings.

 

Yes, it's illegal to assualt someone physically. Today I'm haivng a "he deserved it" day, feeling no guilt or remorse for what I did. Tomorrow, who knows. I am not going to punish myself further, though.

[DN]

You know of course that feeling is one thing and is part of the emotional reaction to the situation.

 

But I hope you know that he didn't deserve that in any way. Because if you do start feeling that for real - you will do it again with someone else.

[hers]

Today that's the feeling I have. I feel that you can't knowingly and deliberately hurt someone the way he did and walk away as if nothing happened and without facing your responsibility. So today, just today, I feel he deserved it. That's not to say I'm refusing to confront my anger issues, but today, I feel no remorse

[DN]

I think that is a great shame and very worrying.

[hers]

You know though, I've only exhibited such anger really only on him. I'm usually very easy going and care free, and when I identify my emotions, anger rarely comes into play. He's the only one I've ever done that to (besides throwing a shoe at someone before in frustration). I know it sounds like an excuse but I'm not this walking time bomb waiting to go off. If I never saw him again, I believe I still could go through life carelessly and happily like I have in the past. And no, that's not me trying to avoid confronting and getting help with my emotions.

[hers]

DN I have a question. You say he didn't deserve for me to punch him. I understand your reasons why. But what DOES he deserve for what he did to me? Do you think I deserved an apology for his deliberately hurting me (pre-punch)? Did I deserve to be emotionally hurt like he did? Do you think he somehow needs to take responsibility for his actions? Do you think its ok to deliberately hurt someone emotionally?

 

I'm not asking out of argument--im asking what your thoughts are about the situation before the punching even happened (not the part about his dog, but the part about him telling me those things and then sleeping with the girl the next day, knowing how I'd feel)?

[Beyondthesea]

You're not crazy, you had just had enough. As long as you have never attacked someone before, don't worry about it.

[DN]

It constantly amazes me how forgiving of female violence some people can be.

 

hersmudders - you ask what he did deserve for deliberately hurting you.

 

How do you know that he did?

 

Do you think that he specifically set out to lie to you and then sleep with this other woman to hurt you as some sort of plan to cause you pain? That all his actions recently have been designed to that end and that this other women was nothing more than a weapon with which to hurt you? That he has no feelings for her at all, that he has no real desire to sleep with her and doesn't find her attractive?

 

And that her only purpose in his life is to use her to make you feel bad?

 

I frankly doubt that. I am not defending him and I don't think his actions are anything other than self-interested.

 

But I don't think you are getting that this situation is not just about you and about how you feel. He has his point of view, his feelings and his actions and reactions. And so does the other woman - she is a real person too.

 

So when you punched him in the face - that was you expressing emotions that were the result of your perceptions of what happened. You are not seeing anything else. You are not seeing anything else about the other people involved.

 

This is the difference between emotional reaction and rational reaction. And you seem to have a consistency in your life of always acting and reacting with your emotions, and never stopping to think things through with rational thought. That is why you are veering from one extreme to the other.

 

When you first posted about hitting him - that whole post was about your reaction to your emotions. And although the emotions have varied from day to day and mood to mood - there has never been any sign that you are thinking with your rational side to control and make sense of your emotions.

 

And that is what you need help with. Because it is not only true about your relationship with your ex but also about most of the other relationships in your life with family, friends etc. and with things like career and other life decisions.

[My Advice]

It's also illegal and can land you in prison. That woman who smashed a vase over her b/f's head could easily have killed him. Hersmudders could have cracked her ex's cheekbone and damaged his eye permanently when he was not even in a position to defend himself properly.

 

And it is not even clear that he cheated - they are broken up right now.

 

What she did to him was morally, ethically and legally inexcusable. There is never a good reason to use violence unless in self-defence.----

 

Sometimes a person can be driven to punish someone when they have abused them-- which includes cheating. Now although it is ironic I am defending the woman who smashed a vase on my close friend's head, she was driven to the point where she 1. wasn't able to think logically. 2. had been betrayed by him.

 

Sometimes revenge is a natural thing. In a case like that it SHOULD NOT always land you in prison. Its an act done where logic and reason have corrided because of the anger and abuse. I can completely sympathize.

[My Advice]

What he did though was tell me all of these things I wanted to hear, and then knowingly and willingly hurt me. It wasn't that he slept withthis other girl; it was that he knew what he was doing and knew that it'd hurt me. He completely disregarded my feelings.

 

---

 

What specificially did he do smudders?

[DN]

It has been called a crime of passion and has been used in the past to justify killing someone. It is no longer a defence even in France where the idea was first thought of. As a society we have generally accepted that violence is not a good thing and is not justified.

 

It's not dissimilar to the justification that gang members have in killing som one for not showing them proper 'respect'. It justifies violence because of emotion and who knows where that will ever end. Society is violent enough without finding reasons to excuse it.

[My Advice]

It constantly amazes me how forgiving of female violence some people can be. ---

 

 

 

No I am forgiving to both sides when it comes to cheating or severe abuse and betrayal. That being said, now that she has clarrified he never cheated, it does sound like she might be misperceiving the situation.

[My Advice]

DN I don't agree that what I consider "acts of passion' in retalliation for abuse, are always crimes. Situations where society should step in an deal with the matter yes, but crimes no. There is no deliberate desire to wrong somebody because you are perceiving yourself after having been pushed to extremes to retalliate, which is natural.

 

Violence is generally not a good thing. However what constitutes "not generally" where that violence can be more sympathetic and how it should be dealt with is very debatable.

[DN]

Well fortunately the law doesn't agree with you. In theory if not always in application.

[hers]

He purposely told me he loved me and didn't want to hurt me. Then he purposely told me he was going to sleep with that girl. Then he purposefully did it after I truthfully told him thatd hurt me and that he said he didn't want to hurt me. This has nothing to do with that girl's feelings right now. I'm not saying that was his motive. But he very obviously did those things purposefully. Just like I'm not saying violence is justifiable under this circumstance. I'm merely asking you your objective opinion--considering what he did, should he take responsibility for his actions? Let's say I never punched him and I just walked away. What else shouldve been done?

[DN]

If all that is true then you should have given him his dog back, told him never to contact you again and walked back into your house. Calling him a few names that were less than complimentary would have been more than understandable.

 

Then you could start the healing and moving on process without any guilt or remorse for hitting him under very questionable circumstances.

 

But even that is only looking at this one night in your life and one action you should not have taken - you need to be reviewing much more than that.

[My Advice]

Dn the law is often wrong, and even coherent. I am sorry you wont consider things outside the box on this one.

[My Advice]

smudders you need to get this guy out of your life. period. If you keep in contact with him then you are only inviting pain on yourself and are partially responsible for it.

[DN]

Dn the law is often wrong, and even coherent. I am sorry you wont consider things outside the box on this one.

And I am very sorry that violence of this nature is OK with you. Attitudes like this make me despair sometimes. The very idea that it is OK to punch someone in the face who is preparing to leave, or smash a vase over someone's head, should surely be repugnant no matter what the provocation.

 

This is the law of savagery and has no place in civilised society.

 

I cannot believe that it is hersmudders best interests to validate her actions.

[hers]

I'm not validating my actions. I am trying to ask you if HE should be responsible for his actions. If I gave his dog back, walked inside, and never contacted him again, what should HE do next?

[DN]

Look that isn't the point. It doesn't matter what he should have done - that is a separate issue. He alone is responsible for what he does just as you are for what you do.

 

By continually moving the focus to anything he did and away from your actions you are avoiding taking responsibility - as if what he did somehow justifies what you did. And it doesn't.

 

If he were posting on here the advice would be focused on him and not you. But you are the one who is posting and the focus needs to be on you.

 

What good does it do you for someone on here who doesn't know him, doesn't know his side of the story or what his motivations may or may not be to say he was in the wrong. Maybe he was - but that still doesn't make what you did in any way excusable.

 

 

And the only reason that it matters if it was excusable or not is for you to understand what you need to do in order that you don't lose control of yourself to that extent again - because next time the consequences may be far worse.

[greensleeves]

I'm not validating my actions. I am trying to ask you if HE should be responsible for his actions. If I gave his dog back, walked inside, and never contacted him again, what should HE do next?

 

He's under no obligation to do anything. I understand that your feelings were hurt, however, the world does not revolve around your feelings. He owes you nothing and never did. People hurt eachother all the time and we learn from the time we're in the sandbox, that we don't hit if someone does something that we don't like.

 

You invited him back into your life by offering to look after his dog even though you knew that the two of you shared a volatile past...does that mean that you owe him anything? You only owe him what you said you would do, care for his dog during his move....but if you remember, you didn't even hold true to that offer, you refused to give him back his dog because he didn't arrive in his own car and he received a ride from someone you didn't approve of...and now you're astounded that the words he said to you the previous night seem to mean nothing to him? Well, I'm sorry, but your actions with the dog likely made him regret anything kind or loving he may have said or done and may have served as a stark reminder of what being in a relationship with you entailed. I'm not saying that to be harsh or unkind, but you're not thinking things through or seeing you own or his actions through anyone's eyes but your own.

 

He said he didn't want to hurt you and that can mean many things....if you read back into your first thread about this, you took it to mean that the two of you might reconcile. He may have meant that the fact that he was with someone else might hurt you, or maybe he meant that he hoped you were no longer hurting about things that happened in your previous relationship. Yes, the two of you kissed, but you're both adults and you were a willing participant...does this mean that he's now obligated to reconcile with you and ignore his own needs or wants just because you misinterpreted what happened?

 

I don't understand how you or anyone else can possibly justify what happened. That's tantamount to a man who beats his wife stating "she made me do it...she pushed me...if she hadn't done this or that, I wouldn't have been forced to do this" or whatever other excuse they might give for shifting the blame onto the woman. Would anyone find that acceptable behaviour? No, because it's wrong, it's socially unacceptable behaviour and it's against the law. This situation is no different.

 

No one in this world owes you anything with regards to love, affection or happiness and you'll be sorely disappointed if you go through life with this mindset. People will give you what they choose to give you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You have to remember that you are not his judge and juror, nor his parent trying to teach him morality or responsbility.

 

When someone does something that you find atrocious, you remember that you are not responsible for him, but you are responsible for you and need to act accordingly. If he broke the law you can report him to police and let someone else be his judge and juror, but if it is something you perceive as a personal 'crime' against you, your only recourse is to speak your peace then walk away.

 

What would have been an appropriate response from you to his bad behavior? You tell yourself, he's a JERK, and i choose not to have people who are that insensitive or cruel in my life. Then you walk away.

 

You don't follow him around trying to punish him. You don't punch him. You don't lose giant chunks of your life trying to change him or make him see the light. You make a choice to take care of YOU not take care of him, 'teach' him, punish him, make him pay, etc.

 

It is about healthy boundaries, and a healthy boundary isn't about assuming the role of judge and juror and punishing people. It is about deciding what is right for you, and recognizing when someone is behaving badly and taking yourself out of harms way to avoid the pain and trouble someone else's bad behavior caused.

 

So yes, you are entitled to be angry at him if he hurt you. But no you are not entitled to punch him or demand he be responsible. You don't control him, you can't police him, you shouldn't punish him. Just make the decision to improve your own life, and if he has this affect on you (regardless of whether you or he is wrong) then it is obvious that he shouldn't be in your life at all because it is making you mental. Doesn't matter what he's thinking/doing, look at what you're thinking/doing and recognize this is a toxic relationship and get out.

[just M.E.]

hersmudders,

 

I have loosely read through this thread so I won't comment on each portion.

 

I absolutely should not say this, but the fact that you you hit him made me chuckle, but the imagining of that act would be almost equal. You should not have hit him. Why? Because it has made you sink to his level, and you should and can be, above that.

 

As you have heard me say about others, he doesn't deserve the intensity of your anger.

 

You have gotten some very good advice from others here and I applaud your courage in being honest and opening yourself to that advice.

 

One thing that DN said is very true. It isn't about him, it is about you. Nothing he does has importance now. How you react to what he does and has done is what is important to you. Understanding why those volatile emotions are brought up, why he can pull you out of control, that is what is important. Once you can see you reactions clearly, it will be easier for you to more on and to work at stopping the intensity of your reaction to people like him. In short, he pushes your buttons, but you have the power to stop that from happening.

 

You must stay NC in a situation like this. The intensity of your reactions to him only hurt you. Somethings are hard to let go of and the dog is one for you, but you have to accept that it is gone with him and you can't see him or the dog again.