Broke up with fiance! He won't let me buy a dog!

[Butterflygrl]

Girl this is NOT about a DOG......

 

lol . Everytime someone offers her advice on something internally aside from the dog, she goes back to reiterate her position on the dog. LOLOL.

[Seraphim]

Yup she does because she does not want to deal with the main issue. And then she walks around the issue for a few posts and then will make excues for him and we are all feeding into it over and over page after page and each page will be the same so no need for me to post again when someone is too deep to see sense.

[cody41]

I do know this is more than about a dog...... My fiance keeps calling me and when we talk he knows there is a deeper issue ... We have talked about everything, mostly NOT about the dog issue.. I am not ignoring anything... I just think this dog issue is the first "tangible" thing that has really made me see how controlling my fiance is, how much he doesn't really care about my happiness, and I am trying to tell him this.. and this is why I don't think I will ever be happy with him..

It can be hard to really understand what is making you unhappy, or what you are not getting from a relationship when it's not a clear cut example... And I am not a dumb person.. but love really blinds you... And although you know something isn't right, it can be hard to overlook the love and be rational.

I am a very loving person.. TOO LOVING... I have alot of codependant behaviors... I just am that way, I'm a softie. I am NOT a door-mat... but I love too much.. and I hate it

And on top of it all, my fiance seems to be a Narssisist... and I have read these are one of the most common toxic relationships..

It's really hard.. and I hate this.. I wish I never met him.

 

Actions just speak louder than words or things I can't really explain.......... Like the dog issue was a big eye opener.. and the fact that he TOSSED the ring away in anger........ This has been the biggest shock....... And when I asked him ARE YOU FOR REAL? You really tossed it? WHY would you do that?

And he says "The same reason I through a laptop accross the room before"..

And he said "I am not buying another ring ever"

 

I was in complete shock.. I just hung up and said I guess this is for sure done.. there is no way to fix this at all..

 

I haven't seen him for 4 days now.. Today he wants to know if we can go for food this evening after work. And I said no..

[annie24]

yes, sounds like it is over forever. that is good. i'd start making plans for your new life soon. figure out a day that you can move all your stuff out of his house. get a friend or family member to help you.

 

someone who would destroy an expensive laptop or throw away an expensive ring sounds like he has rage issues.

[SapphireNoir10]

Good on you for leaving.

 

He sounds cruel, manipulative selfish and like as long as hes happy with what you want and what you do its all good. But the second you want to do something he doesnt he'd rather finish with you.

 

Please dont go back.

[cody41]

Thanks I am getting closer to realization... Day 5 now, no contact. (Well besides texting and phone).

 

Something really weird happened, one of his ex's/girl friends he's known for YEARS.. I met her once, and talked to her a few times and they don't talk anymore.. But she's messaging me saying if I ever want to talk or hang out, etc. She's there for me. They don't talk anymore, so she said no worries if she wants to vent she just wants to be a friend as she understands and she's been there before with an ex.

 

Her and him only were friends (F buddies) for years... I'm surprised she is being supportive for ME..

[Mythical_Suicide]

Day 5 now, no contact. (Well besides texting and phone).

 

That's contact so you can't sit there and say you're not having any contact.. Sorry it doesnt work that way.

[george237]

Thanks I am getting closer to realization... Day 5 now, no contact. (Well besides texting and phone).

 

Something really weird happened, one of his ex's/girl friends he's known for YEARS.. I met her once, and talked to her a few times and they don't talk anymore.. But she's messaging me saying if I ever want to talk or hang out, etc. She's there for me. They don't talk anymore, so she said no worries if she wants to vent she just wants to be a friend as she understands and she's been there before with an ex.

 

Her and him only were friends (F buddies) for years... I'm surprised she is being supportive for ME..

 

If he isn't talking to her how did she find out? Maybe he is using her to find out what your thinking.

[cody41]

Well I agree yes.. But I mean NO PHYSICAL contact.. I have stayed strong.. that's a big step for me.. He wants to have dinner tonight and I said no.

And we only live about 5 min apart... So the only reason he hasn't come to my house is my parent's would not allow it.. Otherwise I'm sure he'd be at my doorstep..

 

So that's a good start... I have had contact because I do still have a few things to iron out, like separating my car insurance and have him put any of my stuff I left behind in a bag for me so I can pick it up... So I won't have NO contact completely for a few more days at least..

[cody41]

If he isn't talking to her how did she find out? Maybe he is using her to find out what your thinking.

 

No good old facebook LOL... She's on my list.. not his..

But she would have seen my status as single.. and she wrote me to ask me if I'm ok.

 

I know she hasn't been on his list for months... Not sure who deleted who, but they haven't talked.

 

She's married and having problems, so she's kind of looking for support herself I think... She's a very nice girl, she wants us to take a women's studies course together lol.

[cody41]

This is hard

Why do we always look back and remember all the GOOD stuff, and all the stuff we will MISS?

 

I should be so angry remembering all the CRAP I have been through, and the counselling, depression meds, books, message boards, all the tears and frustration

 

I am going to see my counsellor again.. and I have kept busy and been working and going out with friends.. THis is very very hard though, I feel so empty and confused...

 

I had a really awesome chat with the ladies at my work.. they are like mom's for me.. 2 of them have BOTH been married to these types of men, one leaving after 18 years of marriage + two kids! So tough, and it's so crazy to hear all the things in common with these men...

 

My EX-fiance (good girl lol!!!) his friend I mentioned we are going to take a Women's Studies course together lol... I'm actually kind of happy I made a friend out of the whole deal!

[JadedStar]

cody force yourself to remember it ALL clearly. Yes it is very easy to remember only the good. Try to really sit down and think about what it was like with him with a realistic lens....

[cody41]

I just really hope this sadness/confusion goes away soon

He keeps messaging me asking to go for food and it makes me soooo upset.. I remember when things were good !! It's hard to remember the hurt, yet I NEVER Forget it..

I just need time I think... It's just 10x harder trying to leave these relationships because the other person DOESN'T let go...

If it was mutual it would be soooo much easier.. He is NOT leaving me alone

[JadedStar]

Well you just broke up. It takes time for the confusion and hurt to go away. And in almost every case where the guy was domineering he almost always comes back again and again with promises and wooing so it is typical.

 

Try to have as little contact with him as possible. Don't allow his foot in the door so that he can start making promises.

[cody41]

Does anyone have ANY resources or threads or books I can read right now????? I really need the support!!!!!!!!! I'm at home alone right now, not meeting my girl friend for about 2 hours... He keeps bothering me to go for food.. I told him I need SPACE...

I'm fighting back the urge to see him.. I miss him. But I know if I want to get over this I HAVE TO STAY AWAY...

[JadedStar]

I strongly recommend reading the book "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. The author is a proponent for empowerment and he is a very highly skilled psychologist who is an awesome writer. It is an easy read and very enlightening and would surely be of a huge benefit to someone in your personal situation right now. You can get it for about ten bucks on amazon.

[cody41]

Can I ask this.. for those who have the experience/knowledge...

 

Is it normal in abusive/toxic relationships no matter how severe or not, to go over and over the "abuse" and episodes and try and justify whether they were REALLY that bad??

 

I'm finding myself wracking my brain right now trying to remember the BAD (so I can stop focusing on the good) and all my examples of when he shouted, called me a name, punched a wall, etc. I'm starting to be ridiculous and say OH maybe it wasn't THAT bad.. or THAT frequent...!!

 

* * * is wrong with me!!! I'm not blaming myself in any way... but I'm kind of justifying it as not really being that severe...

 

 

This is an unbelievably confusing roller coaster I am on right now....

[JadedStar]

That is ABSOLUTELY normal. My mother always did this with my father. She would drag me out of the hosue in the middle of the night, sometimes we slept in a car in an abandoned road, and then she always went back and would convince herself that it wasn't as bad as she thought.

 

I knew it was as bad as she thought and even as a kid couldn't figure out why we had to keep living like that.

[JadedStar]

Also, I think your former thraeds are a very good indicator that it is as bad as you thought. You would not have created those threads if it was not pretty damn tumultuous at the time.

[cody41]

Aww I'm sorry JadedStar, you had to go through that as a child I'm assuming your mother got away from that relationship? I hope she is living a healthier and happy life!

 

I agree I think I need to re-read my posts and remember the anger and bad times... I'm trying to make a list right now and I'm coming up with weak examples

 

It's also really hard because my fiance is ALOT like my father... And although my father didn't really act toxic to us children (I can't really remember being yelled at)... But I HAVE seen how he acted towards my mom alot of the time.

My dad is pretty controlling and a perfectionist... I have seen him hit things on occasion.. But I have to admit all the years living at home, I think it was more frequent in my relationship than I remember in my household with my parents..

So maybe it wasn't AS bad, or toxic for my mother?

I'm not sure... I do see alot of similarities, so it can be difficult for me to say it is 100% bad..

Although I don't remember my mom being on depression meds or anything, but I do remember her wanting to leave my dad and get divorced. I'm sure they had there fair share of rough times.... It's hard to say HOW bad is bad?

I question that alot with my fiance... Maybe I over-reacted?

Yeah it was bad behavior, but maybe I could have stepped back calmy and maybe he would have eased up?

I dont know..

[JadedStar]

Yeah it was bad behavior, but maybe I could have stepped back calmy and maybe he would have eased up?

I dont know..

 

 

Now I do not personally know your situation but the statement above is a classic statement spoken by many people in abusive relationships.

[cody41]

I know you're right.. I'm trying to read articles and stuff to keep my mind made up.

I had a really good heart to heart at work today, I felt really good today at work. Plus he was at work and busy so he left me alone. But now he's bothering me tonight.. I'm just glad I'm with my parents because I know he would NEVER show up here.

He only lives an 8min drive away, so it might be tough for awhile..

 

I just miss him so much! Many times when I thought about leaving him or tried to leave (I spent 1 night a few times at my parents house) I always missed him and went back.. And felt like I'd rather be unhappy SOME of the time, because being with him in the good times made me happy.

I'm going to be perfectly honest, he is BAD and it is TOXIC... But he could be alot worse, and I actually wish he was because leaving would be that much more obvious I think.

My friend's ex was physically abusive and he was NEVER loving.. He would never open doors for her, didn't buy her dinner , nothing... He treated her like total crap. That was insane to me she didn't leave for so long.

 

My fiance he is sweet, he does make sure I have everything I need, he does hug & kiss me, spends all his time with me, and lately he did not make a big deal when I wanted to go hang out with friends or play volleyball etc.

Our problem was when CONFLICTS arise.. So many times it was just SO out of hand.. And that's where the problems began..

[Hopelives]

Two things will happen, Cody, I can almost guarantee you:

 

1) He will beat you physically - he's already done it emotionally and mentally (they are different, you know); surprised the laptop didn't "accidentally" hit you and then it become "your fault for getting in the way"

 

2) He will cheat on you when the "fix" of you has worn off, he will find another victim because playing the games with you will have grown tiresome.

 

So, you can use the dog drama to walk away with your head held high, or you can stay and continue to be a victim and whine for another 2 years.

[cody41]

OOOH my lord... Now he confesses today he DIDNT actually throw the ring away...

He is a total mental case....................... I feel bad for myself for falling in love with this person !!

 

This is the kind of crap I've had to deal with... the constant emotional abuse, and I actually BELIEVE him when he says he did something.. A few people I know called his bluff saying he probably didn't toss the ring, and I said OH NO I'm sure he did...

What an idiot.... and today he says even if I did toss the ring, it's replaceable ofcourse I'd get another one! *someone shoot me please!!*

[annie24]

you should really stop all contact with him. including texts and phone calls.

 

also get the book, 'it's called a breakup because it's broken.' did you get 'the gift of fear' yet?