Hopelives Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Hope, meet "Wall" Wall, meet Hope's head... ](*,) Cody, I've read every one of your posts ... ](*,) They made my eyes bleed. EVERYONE on here has tried to help you, and for some reason, after 7 or 8 months of the same stuff, you still don't trust or believe us. I'm new and all I can say is kudos to Annie for sticking through this with you, and to the others who surely have bruises on their foreheads... Best of luck to you - Hope Link to comment
diamond78 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Hope, meet "Wall" Wall, meet Hope's head... ](*,) Cody, I've read every one of your posts ... ](*,) They made my eyes bleed. EVERYONE on here has tried to help you, and for some reason, after 7 or 8 months of the same stuff, you still don't trust or believe us. I'm new and all I can say is kudos to Annie for sticking through this with you, and to the others who surely have bruises on their foreheads... Best of luck to you - Hope Well, to be fair....If leaving someone was always that easy, half of us wouldn't be on this forum as it is... Link to comment
Hopelives Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 I'd agree but even "I" managed to leave a narcissistic abusive jerk after 8 months - - and I didn't have the support of this grand forum... The problem I have with it is really personal - she reminds me of ... ME! ](*,) Seriously, 18 pages of this over a dog? We all know the issue isn't the darn dog (I have 4, btw)... it's HIS incessant need to control and hurt her and her co-dependency keeping her trapped in a sickening situation. I feel for her and ALL people stuck in abusive situations... they're terrible to be in and harder to get out of. The self - esteem the victims had has been sucked in by the abuser leaving the victim rendered unable to leave... Link to comment
cody41 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Hopelives- do you mind explaining what you went through? even some of it (if its not hard for you to share) or private message me? I find it really helps hearing what other people have put up with and what made them realize it was too bad to stay in.. What pushed you off the deep end? Link to comment
Hopelives Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 It doesn't matter what I said... it won't make a difference. Link to comment
cody41 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 you obviously didn't read the whole thread because you'd know this much much more than about a dog... Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Just leave him. Dont look back, dont let yourself look back either, cut contact and MOVE ON. Hes the image of my ex who was a nasty man, he can't even look me int he eye now because he KNOWS what he did and knows other people know. Link to comment
cody41 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 For those who are saying he should leave me, or be lucky I left... Obviously my Fiance knows this is more about a dog as well... If he really thought I was that spoiled and asked him for everything HE WOULD have left me a LONG time ago... He would never leave me.. Even today, if I give up the dog crap and go back to him he will carry on as it everything is normal. He DOESN'T understand the severity of his control tactits... He thinks it's normal, OR he knows it's not but doesn't care. This man is 33 years old and has been single pretty much his WHOLE life... I am his second longest relationship.. The first one was extremely toxic even more so than ours- it was constant cheating and breakups and god knows what else. The woman he was with was a very insecure person and she had abortion after abortion, cheated on every man she had, and came from a very rough upbringing with no father figure. This may seem irrelevant, but it is actually a good indication of the toxicity that my fiance is used to, and he doesn't appreciate a good woman like myself who is loving, caring, doesn't cheat, commited and all I ask is to be happy... He dated this woman for 6 years! Tried to put a ring on her finger AFTER she cheated on him multiple times.. He thought it would settle her down. Does this sound like a mentally/emotionally sane person to you? I love my fiance to death... and I see something in him that I fell in love with.. But he is not the same person he was when I met him. I garuntee you if I asked him for this dog within the first 6 months of our relationship he would have NO questions asked.... WHY 2 years in, is it harder to get a need met? I always though people cared MORE and fell in love MORE. Does anyone see my frustrations here? Why this dog issue IS a big indicator of his control and lack of care for my happiness? I swear to you I am NOT a selfish person! I am a very loving and caring person and thats why people hate seeing me so upset over this guy, even if it is about a dog on the surface! Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Cody - i think some people may be reacting negatively to you because you don't seem to be looking at your ex's point of view about why he doesn't want another dog. he has a pretty good argument. last time he bought an expensive dog for a gf, he got stuck with it. you don't have the money to pay for it. what if the younger dog and older dog don't get along? and wouldn't it be more prudent to get a shelter dog rather than a $1000 dog from a dog store. on this issue alone, i see your ex's point of view. do you see your ex's point of view? anyways - but like you said, the dog isn't the major issue. he's a toxic man, you need to run away from him. Link to comment
Girl79 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Cody - i think some people may be reacting negatively to you because you don't seem to be looking at your ex's point of view about why he doesn't want another dog. he has a pretty good argument. last time he bought an expensive dog for a gf, he got stuck with it. you don't have the money to pay for it. what if the younger dog and older dog don't get along? and wouldn't it be more prudent to get a shelter dog rather than a $1000 dog from a dog store. on this issue alone, i see your ex's point of view. do you see your ex's point of view? anyways - but like you said, the dog isn't the major issue. he's a toxic man, you need to run away from him. These are good points on why she shouldn't get a dog, BUT I think her problem is that her man is basically telling her she cant get a dog more or less because he wants to be controlling, not because he has the dog's best interest at hand. Cody I see soooo much of me in you, it's crazy. I know it's going to be hard but you have to stay strong and not get back with him. When I broke up with my ex of 8 years, I ended up going back after a month because he begged me, came to my work, called, promised that things would be different and I thought they might be. Within not even a week, things were back to the way they were! Guys like him don't change, they have such strong dominating personalities and they are who they are. It's so hard to remember the bad times though when you are missing him. I STILL think of all the good times we had, and somehow my memory has forgotten alot of the bad stuff. But there was way more of it than there were good times and that pretty much made my decision to leave him alot easier. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 oh yeah, he is definitely controlling. i guess it just took the issue of the dog to really make her see that. Link to comment
cody41 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 Thank you for the kind words... and yes you are right this dog think REALLY opened my eyes HUGE in regards to his control... Everyone around me could see it, I was the last to see it... Because as most know, when you are in love with a person like this you somehow THINK their control is because they love you and are trying to help you.... And you nailed it right on, this man is SO DOMINATING... you guys have NO IDEA how dominating he is.. He could probably dominate everyone on this thread somehow in some sort of way.. Even if he was doing you a favour.. He tries to influence absolutely everyone in his path... He knows alot about cars... and when someone calls him for some info I can hear him saying WELL IF I WERE YOU, YOU SHOULD BE DOING THIS... OR YOU'D BE DUMB TO SELL THAT... etc.. VERY pressuring person.. Very in your face.. And when someone doesn't listen to him, or rejects his control he CUTS YOU OFF... He will stop doing favours or offering advice.. he takes a passive approach.. Don't know how many times I have heard FINE DO WHATEVER YOU WANT THEN! He does NOT ever respect someone to be an individual and respect their choices.. He will constantly remind you how HE KNOWS BEST.. It's taken me a long time to see this... and what helped is seeing him do this to OTHERS... I have found over the past 2 years, the more I resist his control the less he tries... the more passive he becomes.. and at times when he feels control can be re-gained BOOM full-blown control comes back in-full force!!!!! I have got to keep reading my book "inside the minds of angry and controlling men".. It's him to a T!!! Link to comment
Girl79 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Wow you are describing my ex so perfectly.. I feel like we were dating the same guy! He would do EXACTLY how you decribed.. anytime anyone told him anything, he would be like " well you should be doing THIS instead, or, why are you doing that? You should do this because.." OMG it was so annoying and he did this to everyone which is why he had a new job every 6 months! He would even try to tell his bosses what to do. NOTHING I ever did was good enough for him, he was so critical and always trying to change my way of thinking into more like HIS way of thinking. It was pretty much his way or no way. And like you said, I swear he could convince anyone to do anything. He could manipulate people into believing something completely absurd. He could sell ice to an eskimo. Man I just totally feel for you, and I just have to say, keep reading your book and be strong through this, you will be happy with another guy, you will find a NORMAL guy who will love you and show you he loves you without having to control your life! Link to comment
cody41 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 WOW WOW WOW.. I have even used that SAME analogy myself "He can sell ice to an Eskimo" ! Sure he can make money doing practically anything, but man is this guy ever manipulative, aggressive and persistent! We have been in stores and he will barter and barter until the salesperson just wants him GONE. I have counted so many times I'm standing there in embarrassement because he is arguing over and over trying to save an extra buck or so. Yeah sure it's wonderful that he saves money, and he has saved me alot by getting things cheaper, etc. But I CANNOT even fathom being as in your face persistent as he is.. Or when I ask a person once (maybe twice) if they want to do something, or how they feel.. I will respect their opinion and let them make the choice. My fiance especially with me, will DRILL his opinion on me, and like you said, he has even TRIED changing how I feel about something!!! Are you kidding me????? I can't be upset, or tired or feel angry or disagree with something? No wonder why everything was a constant battle! He was trying to control what I do, what I say, what I feel and what I think! The only time he hasn't controlled me is WHAT I WEAR or WHO I SEE.. But trust me he has tried!!! Telling me my friends are skanks, and not real friends, or telling me my volleyball shorts are too short in 80 degree weather. Yeah he can't tell me what to do, but he certainly makes comments as an attempt to control in some way. So from the reading I have done, most people scare the hell out of me because they say a man this controlling ONLY gets worse... Once you are married and have kids, they think you are THEIRS for good.. That is the only thing making me want to walk away...... I think he is TOO RISKY... As much as I love him and maybe ignoring his controlling attempts, if they got even WORSE and WORSE over the years, I would lose my mind even more and probably be in a mental hospital. Most people that know my fiance from around town always said, this guy is SUCH a weasel... They think he's very manipulative. The worst part is he doesn't even see HOW controlling he really is. He just says, yeah sure I can be stubborn at times... Then he will go on to justify why he thinks his control was acceptable "It will save you money".. "It will be better in the long run".. BLAH BLAH.. The scary thing is that I do consider myself more of a passive person.. I am easygoing, and I don't mind a bit of control- as long as it is not making me suffer and not taking over my life! My fiance is 33, he has alot of life experiences so I don't mind his help & direction, but he definitely goes overboard! He is trying to take away every ounce of individualism that I have. But at times when he allows me (oh my) he reminds me how non-controlling he was because he didn't say anything that time, or didn't have a problem with that... What about the other 80% of the time!!!!! Wow ok you have really made me even see this more clearly... So the question is.. DO I put up with this for life???? These people really don't change.. and I guess at 33, single most of his life, an only child, lived away from home since age 18.. There is NO changing this guy, not even ALTERING him... Yikes! Link to comment
Girl79 Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 They are so identical it, scary.. he was so persistent and would try to make deals at stores, he embarrassed me too many times to even count. Here's something totally crazy he did.. we got a census form in the mail to fill out, everyone has to of course but he said DON'T FILL IT OUT. I was like whatever, totally forgot about it. Then one day a guy came to our door and I answered it. He said that we hadn't filled out our census form and wondered if I could give him the info he needed and that it would only take 5 minutes. I agreed, but all of a sudden my ex came to the door and literally FREAKED OUT on the guy, telling him to get the F outta here and he didnt have to fill ANYTHING out and started swearing at him. It was the most embarrassing random thing ever. I can kind of laugh about it now, my bf now would NEVER ever do anything at all like that, it is so nice to be with a normal guy who loves me and shows he loves me and respects everything I say, and my opinions matter. If I can leave my ex after 8 years, you can leave after 2 no problems. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 So from the reading I have done, most people scare the hell out of me because they say a man this controlling ONLY gets worse... Once you are married and have kids, they think you are THEIRS for good.. This is very true and you certainly don't want to bring children into a situation like this. If you stay with him, have children and then finally get fed up and want to leave, he'd likely go off the deep end. Link to comment
cody41 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Thank you very much for those who were patient and understanding with me..... This has definitely been the HARDEST thing I have ever been through... The sad part is this breakup isn't the worst I have experienced in this relationship... The worst was the point when I started to feel something was off and even though I couldn't logically understand quite what I was dealing with, my body was telling me....... I became VERY very sick at the worst part (somewhere in the middle).. lost 15-20 pounds on an already thin frame, I was very ill looking, stressed and went on depression meds. I even got so bad (before the meds) thinking of suicide very often and thinking the stress was too much for me to handle. I really am not a weak person, but I have been VERY lucky in my life to have had good experiences and loving family relationships, friendships and relationships thus far, so this was a BIG eye opener to me. I didn't even think men/people like this existed. And I don't think they are bad people, I think my fiance loves me alot, he is just not CAPABLE of a normal loving relationship.. partly because I don't think he ever experienced it himself. It's almost like a sickness... Because even HE does not know he has a problem... And from my reading, these men are the ones NOT capable of changing. I think the biggest problem for him is that he is controlling/abusive AND has many Narcisstic qualities, AND he is an only child who was absolutely spoiled by wealthy parents, PLUS he never had even 1 single loving relationship with a female. He was very abused himself by this woman emotionally by infidelity. So you combine all these things and now I understand the extent of his "issues". I feel horrible for walking away, but I gave so much up including my happiness and well-being. It's now Day 6.5 ! Have not seen him... And even though he is texting me everyday asking to meet up I explained I can't. I think he is NOW starting to panic and realize OMG she is for real................. Cause he's getting more persistent. Why do I not think this is the end of this ? And I DO love him... this is freakin hard enough!!!!!! I just want my space for at LEAST 1 month....... I do NOT want to act out of emotions and the emptiness and lonely feeling I have right now. Does anyone think it would help if I starting hanging out/getting closer to another guy? I have one in mind LOL.. One I KNOW I wont get suckered into a relationship with.. Just someone to hang out with and maybe be intimate. But I'm scared this will backfire and make me go running back to my fiance. However, in the past I found another guy has helped me get over someone. So I'm not sure....... I am keeping busy in the meantime, I am getting another job even! Any advice? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 29, 2008 Share Posted August 29, 2008 Dont get intimate with anyone else. Rebound sex never hurts. Just leave this looser, be alone for a while, work on yourself be happy in yourself. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Why do I not think this is the end of this ? :sad: And I DO love him... this is freakin hard enough!!!!!! I just want my space for at LEAST 1 month....... I do NOT want to act out of emotions and the emptiness and lonely feeling I have right now. i agree this is a good idea. i think you really need to give yourself a month or two of no contact and decide what you want and what is most important to you. i would hang out with friends, but not look for a new date/bf right now. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I actually can't believe that you broke up over a dog..... I guess your relationship wasn't that strong to begin with.... Link to comment
jessiesgirl14 Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 I think everyone is missing the part where he said if she wanted the dog she had to leave. Either way, I think this is something petty and childish to break an engagement over. Instead of both of you getting hot headed and jumping to conclusions, you need to sit down and discuss the issue at hand. Regardless, I do agree with everyone that $1000 is toooo much to spend on an animal, especially for a young couple on the verge of marriage with other bills to pay for. Maybe he will settle for a cheaper dog. I know I had wanted a yorkie and me and my boyfriend would go to this pet store that sold little dogs and i would always play with the yorkie they had in the store that day and I would too "fall in love". Well those yorkies were WELL over $1000 and even though they were as cute as a button I knew it would be a little bit ridiculous for me to pay that kind of money. So i continued to search and found a yorkie for THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS and he is the cutest thing I have ever seen and I would not trade him for the world. Maybe the money is just the issue. But I also agree that if either one of you is willing to break off a relationship because a dog, maybe you should consider what each of you REALLY means to the other. Link to comment
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