Broke up with fiance! He won't let me buy a dog!

[george237]

You guys are both way too imature to be even thinking about marriage. You throwing a hissy fit about a dog and him acting like a child throwing your ring over a bridge when he got mad. You both have a lot of growing up to do.

[cody41]

He is 33 years old.. So I do agree..

 

And I am 26.. yes I realize wanting a dog and not getting one may be a tad immature... But I am wanting to pay for it myself, what is the problem? My mom has 3 dogs and my father didn't want ANY of them, but she got them and she agrees that if my fiance loves me he will just let me get the dog.

 

I also have to be 100% honest I have NEVER asked him for anything.. In 2 years! Not one thing!

And I am not asking him to buy it for ME.. Just allow me to buy it (as we do live in his house) So respectfully I will ask.

 

Like I mentioned before, he WAS going to let me have a 2nd dog.. over a year ago.. His parent's dog. But he says the only reason he was going to let me have it "Is because I really wanted it" and that his dad paid for it and he didn't want him to lose the money on it.

 

Just doesn't seem logical him wanting to say NO to me now... That is what I am angry about. Plus, I have talked for months about how badly I want a little dog one day. And he never said too much about it, definitely didn't say NO..

[Seraphim]

It is obvious to me that you want to be with him. He is not going to be NORMAL. He is not going to change. But you still want to be with him. And he is telling YOU, you guys are not broken up.........man he has you tied up.

[george237]

You know how you know you are not ready for a major commitment.

1. you don't get what you want and you cry

2. You said you never asked anything of him. If you were mature you would realize that this man has probably done so many things for you.

3. You think he is saying no to YOU. He is just saying no to another dog.

 

Stop acting like it's a competition and start treating your relationship like a team.

[cody41]

I see your points George I do.... But.. How do you justify him a year ago saying Yes to his mother's little dog and allowing me to have it?

 

That contradicts his not wanting another dog.

And he was working nightshift the night I had the two dogs, so he doesn't know how they behaved together. I was the one saying our Lab was too young to handle another young pup. Which at the time he was, his temperment is different now, plus he is fixed.

 

I am not crying because I am not getting what I want... It's that he is saying No completetly without even giving a compromise.. Even saying our next dog is my choice? NOTHING he says flat out NO.

 

And he did buy his Ex a dog who whined and complained, so how do you think that makes me feel that I ask him politely and he still says no?

You can't honestly say you'd be ok with that if the situation was reversed.

how would you feel if your woman took her Ex out of town to a Baseball game, even though she didn't like baseball... But you beg her to go with you and she says NO.

[DN]

The issue about his mother's dog is that the dog was already there and his mother was obviously upset about having to let it go. This was akin to helping out both his mother and a dog in distress. It's not as if he went out and bought it himself.

 

You want a dog simply for yourself.

 

I think you should stop comparing the two situations because they are not the same, in the same way that you should stop saying that your father allowed your mother to have dogs when he didn't want to - those are different situations and different people.

[cody41]

I realize that, but his mother's neighbor said she would take the dog... So it had a suitable owner and close by ! However, we asked if we could try it first to see if the two dogs could be ok together at a young age.

We also had my parent's offer to take it.. So we had 3 different possible owners... We were given first preference since we are the kids.

His mother even asked him, are you sure you guys want to try?

And fiance said yes we will, "Cody41" really would like her.. So we will..

 

Dont you see how this would upset me now?

[Seraphim]

Girl this is NOT about a DOG......YOU are missing the point here. Your relationship is a train wreck. You think if you have a dog and live with him you will be happy?????? Baby in 2 months you would be posting here again with the same control issues.

[cody41]

I dont know what to do It's day 3 and I feel ok, but I still have quite a bit of anger.. so the sad moments fade pretty quickly... I only get upset when I realize how he won't make me happy and how I think he is incapable of loving me that way I want to be loved

 

But at this point what am I supposed to do? I have never been through a breakup where I still love the person...

It would be easier if he wanted to let go also... But he keeps contacting me I don't know if he's going to let up at all.. I love him alot, but I'm so lost and confused right now I don't even know what direction to go in.. I'm not even thinking about the dog so much anymore..

[annie24]

The only thing he has said that once we are married or have kids, he absolutely does NOT want to get divorced... He is very family oriented and I know me leaving him with the kids would hurt him alot... I do feel he would work harder if we were married and had kids, he has more to lose then.

He wants us to be married and start a family so badly... but then I think if he wont make me happy now? Why would he bother then... And I REALLY don't want to be divorced and a single mom

 

no, controlling guys who say they don't want to get divorced are the type who MURDER their wives when they try to walk away. it doesn't mean that they try harder to be better husbands. this is a big red flag, you need to get away now.

 

honey - think back to when you were a little girl, dreaming of your wedding day. think of the kind of man you wanted to marry. did emotionally abusive make the list? drug dealer? won't let you get the type of dog you want? no, none of these things made the list. i'm sure you wanted a man who would rub your shoulders when you've had a bad day, who would take care of you when you aren't feeling well, who would listen to you and try to compromise.

[annie24]

seriously girl, please go read the book, "The gift of fear."

 

link removed

 

This man is showing so many warning signs. I'm really afraid that if you stay with this man, you will be dead in 5 years. i am serious. read the book, and read the chapter on men who kill their wives. he has all the hallmarks of a wife-killer.

[cody41]

I will get it tomorrow!! Is there any version online I can read right now?

Is there any particular info you can share real quick? I'm very curious what makes you think he fits some of this behavior..

[hers]

I will get it tomorrow!! Is there any version online I can read right now?

Is there any particular info you can share real quick? I'm very curious what makes you think he fits some of this behavior..

 

Cody, what will reading a book do for you that you don't already know? If you read this book and find yourself thinking "Oh, that's not him...", are you going to stick around with him? What other answers are you looking for?

[cody41]

Oh no I'm just curious.. Cause I'm reading a book on Controlling and Abusive type of men and he is ALOT of the characteristics... But I never considered him a physically violent type.. He has never hit any female, he is in pretty good standing with practically all of his exes.. The latest even wanted him back. (doesn't mean he isn't abusive- but she must have wanted something about him).

 

I'm just curious what a potential wife-killer would consist of...

[JadedStar]

I still say you have a lot of work to do on yourself as well because you still don't get this whole thing with the dog. You are still obsessed and stuck on it instead of seeing that you are in a really bad situation. A dog should be the last thing on your mind right now but you keep talking about it and still trying to rationalize why he should let you have it.

 

I also agree with DN and said earlier in the thread that his mom's dog situation and this new dog situation are not even comparable.

 

Both of you have some seriously skewed priorities.

[annie24]

you can do the 'look inside' thing on link removed and see the first few pages.

 

to me, the fact that he says he 'doesn't believe in divorce' first SOUNDS like it might be a good sign, but i think it is not. if he were a relgious man, or a man who really prioritizes relationships, he would probably have been more about compromising all of these years. he would have valued your opinion more, treated you with more kindness, not just shooting you down. the fact he says he 'doesn't believe in divorce' (and doesn't believe in talking things out either) makes me think he is the type to kill a wife should she try to walk away and take the kids.

 

OJ loved nicole, but i'm pretty sure he killed her too.

 

OK here is the list in the chapter called "Intimate enemies." I want you to think about these things and figure out which of these things apply to you: I've highlighted in red the things you have already told us about him.

[JadedStar]

Well, i think calling this guy a potential wife killer might be going to far, but i think it goes wihtout saying she needs to stay away from him.

 

Which is why i still shake my head when i read her recent posts that are still complaining about not being able to buy this dog.

 

Does anyone else see the craziness of this?

[hers]

Wow, quite a few of those are also signs of an alcoholic as well. Not that alcoholics are abusive, but it's interesting to see the parallels.

[annie24]

Well, i think calling this guy a potential wife killer might be going to far, but i think it goes wihtout saying she needs to stay away from him.

 

Which is why i still shake my head when i read her recent posts that are still complaining about not being able to buy this dog.

 

Does anyone else see the craziness of this?

 

yes, i see the craziness, definitely.

 

like i said, my "Red Flags" for 'wife killer' went up when i heard him say that he doesn't believe in divorce. yet, nothing he has done indicates that he is the type of man to sit down and try to work out a compromise with his wife. he's thrown her ring into the water (symbolic abuse). he's verbally abusive. etc... I think these are all warning signs, and things have a real potential to get a heck of a lot worse.

[george237]

I think these two are both wrong. She loves drama and he acts like a 5 year old

[cody41]

1 - the woman has intuitive feelings she is at risk.

 

2 - at the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as committment, living together, and marriage.

 

3 - he resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.- Except for the voilence part..

 

4 - he is verbally abusive.

 

5 - he uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. this includes threats to harm physically, to deframe, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.

 

6 - he breaks or strikes things in anger. he uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo, marring a face in a photo, etc.) Not symbolic but yes tons of items

 

7 - he has battered in prior relationships.

 

8 - he uses alcohol or drugs with adverse effects (memory loss, hosility, cruelty).

 

9 - he cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct ('that was the booze talking, not me. i got so drunk, i was crazy.'

 

10 - his history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery)

 

11 - there has been more than one incident of violent behavior (including vandalism, breaking things, throwing things).

 

12 - he uses money to control the activities, purchases, and the behavior of his wife/partner.

 

13 - he becomes jealous of anyone or anything else that takes her time away from the relationship. he keeps her on a 'tight leash,'

requires her to account for her time. This has improved over time, he is letting the leash out a bit more, but I also limit how much time away I spend.. It is not very frequent

 

14 - he refuses to accept rejection. This I have to select also, because I have seen situations where he is being bashed or "rejected" in some way and he gets very upset or angry... can definitely tell he doesn't take it lightly

 

15 - he expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like 'together for life,' 'always', and 'no matter what.' This one for sure in the sense that he doesn't even understand in the past me wanting to give up because he was emotionally and verbally abusive, or that he lied many times in the past.. To this day he still resents me for wanting to break up

 

16 - he projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, committment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to percieve them.

 

17 - he minimizes incidents of abuse I definitely dont think he even sees the severity of any of his past verbal or emotional abuses

 

18 - he spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc...

 

19 - he tries to enlist his wife's friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.

 

2 0 - he has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.

 

21 - he believes others are out to get him. he believes that those around his wife/partner dislike him and encourage her to leave.

 

22 - he resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise

 

23 - he identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fiction, or history. he characterizes the violence of

others as justified.

 

24 - he suffers mood swings or is sulllen, angry, or depressed.

 

25 - he consisitently blames others for problems of his own making - he refuses to take responsibility for the results of his actions

 

26 - he refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.

 

27 - weapons are a substantial part of his persona - he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.

 

28 - he uses male privilege as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servant, makes all of the big decisions, acts like the master

of the house).

 

29 - he experienced or witnessed violence as a child.

 

30 - his wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. she has discussed this with others or has made plans to be carried out in the event of her death (ie, designating someone to care for children.)

[annie24]

i think it's really important you walk away now, rather than later. he has not been physically abusive yet, but i see the real potential for it, especially if you marry him and have his children. i think it's best you walk away now, for good. he threw your ring in the water, ok, good. just walk away.

[cody41]

I am aware of all this stuff.. Obviously I knew it wasn't right as I have talked to him about it, seen a counsellor, bought books, and sought opinions on message boards..

 

I know he has a problem.... But I wouldn't say this is him even 50% of the time. YES yes I know it should be him NONE of the time... But I'd say 70% of the time he is fine.. gentle and sweet and loving. He has done alot for me without being asked, but I do realize alot of his issues are red flags.

We only seem to have issues when we argue.. When there are no conflicts things are fine. Lately we haven't had many conflicts, so from time to time it's easy to forget how bad he can be during conflicts.

 

I also have to admit, I HAVE adopted some of these behaviors.. He has furiated me so much I can yell and verbally abuse him myself.. I am not proud of it, but he has angered me so much that I had no choice to give it back.

 

I know this is toxic.. I don't know if it can be fixed... If he could be that normal loving person I would be so happy... I don't know why this is so hard

But I am aware enough to NOT marry him.. or have kids.. Something inside my gut tells me no.. But I can't seem to walk away...

I feel he can get better.. Maybe I am being stupid... Maybe I don't feel his behavior is bad enough most of the time ?

 

I don't know

 

I really do appreciate the responses... And I know the dog issue is minor compared to this.. and I am really having two topics within one here.. because trust me I would trade a dog (or give up rather) to have a healthy relationship anyday!!

[annie24]

i think you should definitely walk away, and seek therapy. try to figure out why you've tolerated the bad behavior for so long, and work on doing things to improve your own behavior too. i'm sure he's great a lot of the time too. i'm sure that OJ Simpson was a totally loving husband most of the time too, except for when he wasn't.

 

women in absuive relationships stay because things aren't bad all the time. they say, 'oh, but he can be such a sweetheart at times' or 'he really loves me' or 'he is so gentle when we make up after a fight.' but that's not right. your husband/partner should be good to you, even when you disagree about something.

 

i think moving out, either with your parents, or in your own place, and never seeing this man again is a really good idea. get the dog, get some therapy, you'll be a lot better off.

[Butterflygrl]

 

Anyways, I am not spoiled but when I have my mind set on something I have a hard time letting it up.

 

I am not asking him to spend a cent on the dog.\

 

And for those of you who read my whole original post.. My fiance WAS going to let me have the small dog from his parents... WHY all of a sudden now is he saying no? !

 

People think control freaks are mean vicious bullies who go around pushing their ideas on people. However, being a control freak can also mean one who wants what they want when they want it, and when it doesn' t happen they freak out, lash out, pout, leave, scream, passive/aggressive. Basically they don't let go. The "have a hard time letting go" and usually over something that reasoning would solve.

 

You didn't ask him for money, but credit is as valuable as money-as you know from this experience.

 

He said no because he can. Now, pull your big girl britches up and move on from him. You'll be better for it. I wish you the best.