Broke up with fiance! He won't let me buy a dog!

[Girl79]

Yes ALOT of what you said sounds so familiar. My ex never physically abused me but he was controlling and passive aggressive and he would say alot of the things you mentioned. He did stop his illegal things for a bit, but they started right back up again because he needed the money. He said that he would stop, but honestly once they get a taste of the money and how easy and fast it is to make it, they don't stop. I have seen some of his friends go to jail for drug smuggling, and now they are out of jail and right back where they started with it again! It's a vicious cycle! So him getting out of this crap is going to be a tough one.

I just know guys like him don't change. He won't change, and I am sure if he is like my ex, he won't listen to a word you say. Talking to my ex was like talking to a wall, I could even scream at the top of my lungs to him and nothing would get through to him. It was so frustrating.

Remember what it was like in your 5 year relationship? You could have that again with another guy, you could have a guy who listens to you and respects you and doesn't treat you like a child. It feels so good to have that now.

[cody41]

I know you're so right.... And I still can't believe after 5 years of having a good relationship, I would even settle for something like this! Shocks me myself..

And that is a good point, I have always wondered too if he did get out of his illegal stuff, what's not to say when times get rough he won't jump right back into it... It IS easy... and he does a very good job at hiding it, that I could see him hiding it from me hoping I don't find out.

The only thing he has said that once we are married or have kids, he absolutely does NOT want to get divorced... He is very family oriented and I know me leaving him with the kids would hurt him alot... I do feel he would work harder if we were married and had kids, he has more to lose then.

He wants us to be married and start a family so badly... but then I think if he wont make me happy now? Why would he bother then... And I REALLY don't want to be divorced and a single mom

[Seraphim]

Stop thinking of this relationship as saveable it isn't! HELLO!

[cody41]

You know I just thought to myself and wrote a little list for the times I AM HAPPY... and all I could come up with was

1) When we go away on road trips, or travel and the drive down or staying in a hotel together is alot of fun.. Cuddling/having sex in a new bed/place is exciting, and we seem to joke around and have fun together.

 

And 2) When we are shopping or at a grocery store/in a mall,etc. And we joke around.. My fiance can be really funny and we joke around alot.

 

But I can't think of ANY fun at home When we sit and watch tv, or movies or have dinner anything at home I can't think of any time I am happy

[JadedStar]

.

 

But I can't think of ANY fun at home When we sit and watch tv, or movies or have dinner anything at home I can't think of any time I am happy

 

Is that because he is mean, or because you are just bored with these activities?

 

If it is because you are bored with watching tv and eating dinner at home that isn't his fault, that is your fault. no partner is responsible for entertaining their mate. You have to make your own time go by productively on nights when you are not going out. I think most couples watch tv and eat dinner on weeknights when they are at home. You can't have rockets and fireworks everyday of the week.

 

It would be easy to blame this all on your fiancee, but honestly I think you have a lot of growing and maturing to do as well. That is likely how you two came to be together....i said this on another thread, bears repeating, often like attracts like. Until you have fixed a few things aobut yourself that might need some tweaking you will likely keep attracting men just like your fiancee.

 

He likely won't change. But the real question is "will YOU change"? The original post still opens a lot of eyes here when the one thing that propelled you to leave was because you couldn't get a 1000 dollar dog to your liking. That does say something. And the fact that you said when you want something you won't let up. I wouldn't say that is an admirable trait much of the time. It can be given the proper circumstance but throwing a tantrum becuase you can't have an expensive mixed breed dog is more reminiscent of spoiled behavior than tenacity. There is a difference. Look at my avvy. We do get out what we put into life much of the time.

[cody41]

But that's just it, I have never dated anyone like my fiance.. My ex and I dated for 5 years and I remember us having a blast even joking around together on the couch watching tv.. After awhile our relationship never grew, we were young and not ready to get a house, marriage, kids. etc.

 

My fiance and I sometimes have fun, but I am not sure his behaviours and attitudes can change my mood to happy to miserable anytime ! He can be this fun/happy person or this miserable negative rude person in the flip of a switch.. I have never known such an inconsistent person..

 

I dunno, now my head is all over the place everyone is bringing up different points (some could be way-off, but some are good points)...

Now my head is just a mess.. I dunno what to think

[SapphireNoir10]

Perhaps I was dating your fiance at one point! sounds like my ex, the switch of moods. If he does drugs himself this might be why. If not, maybe hes got underlying issues..I dont know.

 

He doesnt sound very nice.

 

To say he'd leave YOU if you got the dog isnt mature. I think this is probably the straw that broke the camels back. Maybe im immature too but i'd be very annoyed, if it was another issue on top of lots of other issues then i can see why you'd leave him.

 

But will you stick to it? has he contacted you since?

[JadedStar]

But that's just it, I have never dated anyone like my fiance.. My ex and I dated for 5 years and I remember us having a blast even joking around together on the couch watching tv.. After awhile our relationship never grew, we were young and not ready to get a house, marriage, kids. etc.

 

My fiance and I sometimes have fun, but I am not sure his behaviours and attitudes can change my mood to happy to miserable anytime ! He can be this fun/happy person or this miserable negative rude person in the flip of a switch.. I have never known such an inconsistent person..

 

Truth be told there are a lot of people like this out there, male and female. I hear about this all the time from people who complain aobut their partners. The thing is you have to determine if you can handle it, or not. If not, leave, but make the reasoning be because you two are not right for each other not because you can't buy a dog.

 

If he tells this story to people they are going to think wow, what a piece of work she is! When in reality he has done all of these other things that SHOULD have been the reason you broke up, but you didn't.

 

You have given him a perfect opportunity to make you really look like the bad guy here.

[cody41]

He doesn't do any as far as I know.. He doesn't ever seem to act like he is under any influence.. but I guess I never know, maybe I should look it up.. and see if I notice any symptoms, cause honestly I never even thought about that being a possibility! He always said he would never get ___ of his own supply.. Just one of the rules you don't do in that business.

 

Yes he has contacted me a bunch of times... Just keeps saying why he doesn't want a dog.. and that he thinks I am ending it because of my ex.. and that he hasn't slept or eaten.. but that's about all he has said.

[bijoux27]

You broke up over a dog...uh...okay.

[cody41]

Truth be told there are a lot of people like this out there, male and female. I hear about this all the time from people who complain aobut their partners. The thing is you have to determine if you can handle it, or not. If not, leave, but make the reasoning be because you two are not right for each other not because you can't buy a dog.

 

If he tells this story to people they are going to think wow, what a piece of work she is! When in reality he has done all of these other things that SHOULD have been the reason you broke up, but you didn't.

 

You have given him a perfect opportunity to make you really look like the bad guy here.

 

 

He does that already... like I mentioned the abusive behavior "types" never take responsiblitiy for their actions... He has had me in tears and scared the crap out of me for smashing a laptop and tearing my room apart throwing everything everywhere... and somehow it would be my fault... I drove him that far.. He will never apologize that he over-did it and is a snap case.

So honestly, I could care less.. If he bashes me saying I'm an idiot for dumping him about a dog, I really don't care. I wouldn't expect any more of him.

[cody41]

It's funny cause I actually said to him CALL YOUR PARENTS right now and tell them why we broke up....

Yeah they might think it's silly.. but they ALSO know that about a year ago we were going to take their little dog, and his mom knew he didn't want the dog but he said he didn't mind because I really seemed to want it.

 

So she will probably ask him, why were you letting her have one before, but not now?

[JadedStar]

He does that already... like I mentioned the abusive behavior "types" never take responsiblitiy for their actions... He has had me in tears and scared the crap out of me for smashing a laptop and tearing my room apart throwing everything everywhere... and somehow it would be my fault... I drove him that far.. He will never apologize that he over-did it and is a snap case.

So honestly, I could care less.. If he bashes me saying I'm an idiot for dumping him about a dog, I really don't care. I wouldn't expect any more of him.

 

He smashed the laptop and tore up the room, or you? I think you are saying he did.

 

When someone has outbursts like this and blames another person saying you made me do it, then it's time to get the hell out of their life. If they can't see that they are unable to control their own anger then it isn't up to you to sit around and teach them.

 

He needs to work that out on his own and alone.

 

But don't you see why it is a bit curious that these things didn't cause you to leave, but not getting the dog did? I would never bring a little creature into a home intentionally where i knew the guy i was with was violent. Why subject a tiny little dog to this nonsense? You are in it by choice. the dog wouldn't be. What happens when something flies accross the room and hits a tiny dog and kills it or seriously wounds it? You say he is good to the lab. For starters, labs are big. They don't deserve this life either but the dog is already there, and it isn't as fragile. Secondly, when he is in a rage enough to tear up rooms and break things his sense of reason is out the door. There is no way you can say a dog wouldn't get hurt badly in the crossfire of his rage.

 

This is why i say you have some work to do on yourself because this was no environment to bring a little life into. A little dog doesn't deserve to be in the middle of such chaos and violence. I think a bit part of this was you just want the dog and are not using any any reason or logic about getting it. The other dog he said you could have before belonged to his parents i think you said, so that is a bit different than going to a petstore and buying another one. I won't get on the puppymill soapbox again but when you are ready to buy a dog PLEASE do not get one there.

[cody41]

Ok everything else aside, if I do end up going ahead and buying this dog, for those who are very educated on the puppy mill stuff, how can I be sure to get more information on this potential pet I want to purchase.

 

On their website they say the Pets are bought from registered Kennells.. would it be appropriate for me to find out WHICH kennell and find out the information.. Can I request papers?

 

Is there any way I can get more information, as I do hear what you are all saying, and if I find out this puppy IS from a puppy mill I won't purchase her.

 

Anything I can ask for from this Pet store to verify what you have all said?

[JadedStar]

Registered kennels mean NOTHING. Anyone can register a dog if you have the fee. It has gotten really easy to get AKC papers on dogs from unethical breeders.

 

I will firmly state NO reputable breeder would ever sell his or her puppies to a petstore. Good breeders want to meet the new owners of every baby they produce and most never even produce more than one litter a year. to breed resonsibly and ethically it is way too expensive to breed more than one litter and do it right so the good ones don't breed more than one litter per year and the really good ones would never breed the dam every year.

 

Buying that dog from a petstore is supporting the shady practice (notice Petsmart and any reputable petstore chain will NOT sell puppies. Call one up and ask them if they sell pups. You will likely get a speech if the person answering the phone is even slightly educated telling you never buy a petstore puppy).

 

Requesting papers won't do a thing. If you are hellbent on this puppy ask for the name of the breeder and where they are. If this is truly a registered kennel then they should be a business that you can visit. Visit and see the facility and how the parents are housed. that will tell you all you need to know.

 

If the breeder is not local and you can't drive there then ask yourself why is this store shipping puppies in from other places and not even knowing a thing about where they are coming from? It is becuase they care about your credit card, not the pedigree or wellbeing of the dogs.

 

If the petstore owner tells you the breeder lives in any state in the midwest, please note that the midwest is notoriously known for many many puppymills. There is a larger concentration of puppy mills in the midwest than any other area. If it is not from the midwest that does not mean it isn't a puppy mill, but if it is there is an even stronger likelihood that it is.

 

In the meantime visit link removed.

 

the story below isn't hype. This is very typical of puppy mill environments:

 

link removed

[cody41]

I am located in Ontario, Canada.. if that makes any difference?

[JadedStar]

I am located in Ontario, Canada.. if that makes any difference?

 

Well not really. The same practices go on there. Do ask where the kennel is located and visit. if you can't visit due to distance that is all the more reason to realize it is not ethical becuase ethical breeders do not sell to petstores, and if this were just a private owner who had an "oopsie" litter, which I think is what you are hoping for, then please know this private owner would most likely NOT be selling the pups to a non local establishment, so this is another clue it is likely a mill.

 

Puppy mills and petstores bank on the hope that most people will feel sorry for the pups and buy them to give them a good home. They feed on the altruistic nature of people and this is so paradoxial because puppy millers are so NOT altruistic at all and are driven by greed. What the non suspecting buyer does not realize is that yes, they are getting that pup into a good home but by doing so they have sentenced the parents to a longer life of hell since there is a buying market for the babies.

 

The parents are the sad stories in the puppy mill saga. They are housed very inadequately, cruelly and if you ever were to visit a dog auction where millers go to get their "stock" you would note that sometimes the breeders are so mangled and abused that they no longer are even recognizable as the breed that they are do to matted fur, broken teeth, improperly set broken bones, etc.

 

For those who think i am hyping this up please note that I am not. Puppy mills are one of the most horrific sites to see. There are many orgs out there whose quest is to shut down as many as they can and everytime one is shutdown and authorities come into sieze the dogs there are always a shop of horrors before their eyes.

[george237]

I think you are acting very immature, to leave a man that asked u to marry him over a dog is ludicrous. I suggest you pray that he is understanding that you had a bad day and will take you back.

[thejigsup]

I am an unabashed animal lover and I think you did the right thing. It was okay for his ex to get a dog, but not you? Forget him. There are too many men out there that will let you get a dog and actually love the dog with you. He sounds very selfish and self-centered. Find yourself a real man.

[JadedStar]

I am an unabashed animal lover and I think you did the right thing. It was okay for his ex to get a dog, but not you? Forget him. There are too many men out there that will let you get a dog and actually love the dog with you. He sounds very selfish and self-centered. Find yourself a real man.

 

 

As an animal lover you would bring a little dog into a home with a man with a violent temper? Just curious. That would be the last thing on my mind.

[george237]

I am an unabashed animal lover and I think you did the right thing. It was okay for his ex to get a dog, but not you? Forget him. There are too many men out there that will let you get a dog and actually love the dog with you. He sounds very selfish and self-centered. Find yourself a real man.

 

Ok what if he doesn't want another dog. I was in his same shoes. I had 2 dogs and 1 cat my ex wanted another dog. I told her she could get it but I would move out.

[hers]

AMAZING post JS! I want to add that if the pet store you are trying to buy from will NOT tell you where the dog came from so you can visit it (or if they tell you where it is but encourage you NOT to visit), that is AN IMMEDIATE RED FLAG. Like JS said, reputable ones are clean and run as a business and will let you come visit, even if they are not local to the pet store.

 

Asking for papers mean nothing. All it's really saying is "Thanks for buying this dog! Here's some info we may or may not have made up!" Reputable places will let you come visit AND meet the parents of the puppy.

 

If the pet store tells you it came from somewhere in the midwest, like JS said, chances are it's a mill. Same wiht Pennslyvania (if I'm not mistaken, currently the highest number of puppy mills out there right now--Amish "businesses").

 

Oprah did a show on puppy mills back in April. Check up on taht too and see if you can see the clips from the show. It'll change your mind forever.

[cody41]

OH MY LORD!! Dog issue aside, my fiance and I are still talking we haven't finalized anything.. he is not budging and absolutely says NO dog.. I am the one starting to give in, and say ok NEVER... or just not right now? Or what if I get one from a Humane society, etc.. Now I'm trying to get info as to WHY he really says No.. Cause he really hasnt' given me a straight answer..

 

He says we aren't officially broken up.. BUT HE TOSSED MY RING OFF A BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I asked him seriously????? WHY would you do that?

When we fought my ring was off, so I guess he took the ring in anger and threw it off a bridge? He swears he did.. and now he says he's not getting another one either.

 

What the hell is he thinking????? WOW What am I supposed to do?

[diamond78]

WOW What am I supposed to do?

 

 

 

Easy.....Leave Him.

 

 

 

I haven't seen you state one positive thing about him. This is not the man you want to marry for the long haul, and I'm sure you know that. So stop torturing yourself, and just let him go.

[cody41]

I love him sooo much WHY the hell can't he be NORMAL! At this point I'm almost giving up being with someone that treats me amazing, I just want NORMAL... I'm actually really shocked he would throw the ring away like that.. At least keep it aside and down the road he could pawn it if it didn't work out. But to toss it just like that???? WOW..

 

He is sleeping right now, so I can't talk to him to ask him for sure if he really did... He tends to say stuff and I never know if he's telling the truth, but I think he really did?

 

Is that really necessary? Could any man really do that, no matter how angry??