Feeling your thirties

[annie24]

but they've been married for a long time, so i guess it is working for them in their own way.

 

i'm not saying marry the guys - just go on a few dates with them. some guys are shy and need a few dates to loosen up. it seems the guys you've gone for in the past have really screwed you over in some ways, so maybe one of these guys your mom is suggesting might be good. i'm not saying marry them, just suggesting you meet for lunch or ice cream.

[JadedStar]

Well i had my children early and married early. I have the opposite problem. I sometimes feel odd being the one in my group with adult kids and they have little ones in tow. But honestly I am relieved as i wuoldn't want to do all that rearing now! lol My grandaughter is almost the same age as many of my friends children as they mostly had their kids late (first one at 38ish for quite a few of them). But my kids are my best friends so any "odd" feelings that may arise quickly dissipate.

 

MOral of the story is don't let others influence you. If you feel your clock is ticking make sure it is ticking for your own reasons and not your parents or some innate need to keep up with as batya put it "the jonesbabymakers".

[Hope75]

But behind what 8 ball? is it all measured by marriage, house, kids? Or are there other contributions or other attributes like financial independence, or having a healthy relationship, that matter just as much or more? Sure, they might also have the healthy relationship but I can assure you, not all. I don't know who came up with that measure but yes the stereotype persists that you have to check off all those boxes to be an adult and that somehow getting engaged and married and having a child makes you (not you, anyone) presumptively mature and responsible - sure, it can be a reflection of that but not necessarily - I think we all know immature/irresponsible married people and parents.

 

Actually a happy, healthy marriage and family have been a goal of mine most of my life-- with the right person. I have longed for those things in my life, balanced with education, a fulfilling career and financial independence, which I already have. These are personal goals of mine, and seeing my friends meet them ahead of me has made me envy that, because I want it for myself too. If I didn't want those things for myself personally, seeing others get married and have families would not affect me this way.

 

I can't tell you how happy I was when I found the right person I wanted to share my goals and dreams with, and now that we are headed that way, I couldn't be more thrilled. And we certainly cannot say that I rushed into something arbitrary to 'keep up with the Jones'', seeing as I am almost 33, have lived on my own and supported myself, dated and had several serious relationships, gone to college twice, and have been with my fiance for 6 years.

 

I have had opportunities to marry and have babies before, (including being engaged at age 19) but I don't want those things with just anyone- I was very careful and feel I made good choices in waiting for the right time in my life and the right person to do them with.

 

So yes, marriage and family are very important to me, and I value them.

 

Does that clear things up?

[Batya33]

Well, yes because when you expressed it as behind the 8 ball I interpreted it as you meaning it was an an objective standard as to where you should be as opposed to your personal goals or "8 ball." Still in your post you write about comparing yourself to others as well as wanting it for yourself. The comparing yourself to others part I suppose refers more to some objective standard that you think exists.

 

For example, grad school was a goal of mine - several of my friends finished grad school before I did, even before I started. I never thought I was "behind the 8 ball" as if I "should" have a grad degree when looking at my peers. Rather, looking at their accomplishments only enhanced my belief that I should do that too, from seeing what they studied and what kind of career they had.

[Hope75]

Well, yes because when you expressed it as behind the 8 ball I interpreted it as you meaning it was an an objective standard as to where you should be as opposed to your personal goals or "8 ball." Still in your post you write about comparing yourself to others as well as wanting it for yourself. The comparing yourself to others part I suppose refers more to some objective standard that you think exists.

 

For example, grad school was a goal of mine - several of my friends finished grad school before I did, even before I started. I never thought I was "behind the 8 ball" as if I "should" have a grad degree when looking at my peers. Rather, looking at their accomplishments only enhanced my belief that I should do that too, from seeing what they studied and what kind of career they had.

 

I can see why you misinterpreted my post- I wasn't really clear about it.

 

Seeing my friends accomplish goals that I desire for myself has indeed made me envious, but only because I want those things for myself and it brings more awareness to that fact- but I also knew that in time I would find the right person and meet those goals.

 

So the 8 ball is my own personal goals, not a standard that I feel everyone is held to- as I recognize that not everyone wants what I do or values it for themselves.

[Batya33]

Yes, ok, I understand - an unusual meaning of 8 ball ;-) I'm glad you found what you were looking for.

[Hope75]

Yes, ok, I understand - an unusual meaning of 8 ball ;-) I'm glad you found what you were looking for.

 

Yes, perhaps it is! Thank you.

[Batya33]

I'm also sure that among your group of friends you described there were some not too tactful comments when you didn't do the typical 8 ball meet, get engaged in one year or so, married a year later, etc. good for you for waiting.

[Hope75]

I'm also sure that among your group of friends you described there were some not too tactful comments when you didn't do the typical 8 ball meet, get engaged in one year or so, married a year later, etc. good for you for waiting.

 

You know surprisingly, we didn't get a lot of that. Perhaps some from his mother in her way (she wants to be a grandmother so badly and he is an only child.) but our friends were surprisingly supportive, especially when I went back to school.

 

Now that I did wait I am glad that I did, because I really feel ready.

[CaptainPlanet]

Believe it or not in parts of Australia it is still very normal to get married in your mid/early 20's and have kids. The reason is that we have higher wages for jobs requiring not much education and fragmented parts of the economy that tend to concentrate trade/laboring orientated people into the same area's.

 

Twenty nine would not be considered unusual assume you had trouble meeting someone or had to put more time into finding your career or schooling, or simply wanted to put it off. If they found out you were an Engineer it would be even less unusual. Also consider that men marry younger women so you can practically target women aged 22-27.

 

Most of what you are saying I think is in your head because of personal tragedies you have suffered. You have a good career and from what I can tell by your posts you are a decent person you should be using this time to go flat out trying to meet someone instead of being upset about it. Like you would have done for your Engineering career you should try to find a girlfriend.

 

I am sure there would be thousands of women in their mid (or even early and late) 20's get a little bit anxious about having kids that would be begging for someone like you. Sometimes we like to write our own tragedies.

 

In my opinion thirty is not the stage where you should be giving up on having children but it definitely suggests you should get a move on and possibly even considering settling for someone not as suitable as you would have hoped for.

[thejigsup]

I never worried about whether I would have kids, find a career, nothing like that. I guess this is just me. I have always believed we are all here on a sort of mission to learn and we each have our own agendas and situations we must work through. Some will marry, some will not. Some will have fulfilling careers, some will not. The important thing to remember is that worrying about it will change nothing. Go with the flow and enjoy what you have. I didn't worry about getting married or having children and when I finally had those things, I loved the kid but hated being married. Learned my lesson there to know yourself and learn what sort of life you are supposed to lead. That is true happiness.

[Aschleigh]

If you are healthy chances are you will live to be 100. So 30 is only 30% into your life.

 

It takes a lot more time than I thought to get myself together. I think it's happening now but there will be more challenges I'm sure.

Better to have kids when you can take care of them than have them and not be able to take care of them.

I think I will look into adopting when I am through with school, in one year.

 

30 is the new 20, have you heard?

[Blue Streak]

I am 32, single, actually have not been in a serious relationship in over a decade. Couldn't even tell you what love is. It really does not bother me so much. I am definitely a late bloomer and not really feeling my thirties yet!!! I am just getting settled into a job industry I like and my biggest concern right now is getting my own business going.

 

I admit I should probably be making myself more available to the ladies for the experience and I am starting to get lonely every now and then around friends and such, but I am so used to being single and having that freedom at the same time.

 

Basically, I am still trying to figure myself out!!! Until I get settled with myself, marriage and kids are not really an option for me. I hope it happens yet I def not depending on it anytime soon.

 

I agree with jigs, go with what you got, and make the best of it. We are who we are.

[Hope75]

It just goes to show that everyone is different, people's values and goals are different, and success may be measured by meeting your own individual goals (even if that goal is to go with the flow and see what happens).

[Batya33]

Lyrics from my favorite Rush song "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice."

[allypally]

I turn 34 in 3 months.

 

Been dating a lovely man for the last 9 months and so far so good.

 

Stats so far

Not married.

No children.

Don't own my own home.

No debts.

Savings - yes.

Good health - yes.

Good job - yes.

Hobbies - yes.

Large group of friends - yes.

Well travelled - yes.

 

Basically, I'm not worried that I'm not married and can't tick all of the 'settled down' boxes. Just enjoying life for what it is which is pretty good really.

 

And by the way I have heard that 30 is the new 20!!

[renaissancewoman101]

I'm glad my thread sparked some discussion and friendly debate. I guess the thirties are the new twenties. I dunno. It's hard for me, since I work in a place where more than half the staff is younger than me (never really had that - last long term job I had, I was one of the youngest around).

 

A lot of times I guess I want something to lavish my love and attention on. I do that with my guinea pigs (which is cool). I don't have a SO right now so I don't really have anybody to lavish love and attention on. I dunno.

[Batya33]

If your guinea pigs fill part of the bill then what about helping someone in need through volunteer work - I bet they could fulfil that need, too.

[thejigsup]

My list.

Married: Nope

Kids: One son.

Career: Yep, I love it.

Own a house: No and don't care if I ever do or not.

In a relationship: Yes, a nice one.

In debt: Yes. Got student loans up the butt.

Happy: Yes, for the most part.

Healthy: As far as I know.

Savings: ROTFLMAO

[shyguy1]

I won't even be in my 30's until November of 2009... but I'm already starting to think about what if to a certain extent in regard to personal goals, as well as things I'm currently lacking in my life.

 

First let's start with the career:

 

I'm the night manager at a local grocery store and while I make a decent enough living, I certainly could make a better one.

 

In addition due to the company being cheap and giving their stores virtually no labor at night, I always wake up not wanting to go in to work... and go home stressed out from constantly doing 50 things at the same time and the work of 8 or 9 people at once.

 

I've long had ambitions of writing a screenplay and/or novel, I've even had thoughts about creating a sitcom... but in the end I have trouble getting motivated and feel I'm doomed to fail anyway and thus don't ever even get started.

 

I also have thoughts of starting my own online business and just recently opened up a Savings Account in part for that purpose (the other part to get me out of Joplin, Mo and into more desirable Chicago)

 

If said business were to not work out, then that's simply the way the cookie crumbles.. the most important thing would be that I could look myself in the mirror and say that I at least tried.

 

Then you have things like love and relationships:

 

Let's start with the lesser aspects.... the virginity at my age is quite frustrating and it's natural for a person nearing their 30's to wonder what they have missed out on all these years.

 

In the end though that's more a curiosity thing than anything.

 

The truly frustrating thing is simply loneliness and the void I have in my heart.. and I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a genuine fear about it never happening... To never be able to hold someone in my arms... kiss them goodbye and to love and be loved by them, well that's a sobering thought... but one I constantly think about as 30 draws nearer and nearer.

 

Lastly never becoming a parent would quite honestly just kill me... but it too is something I constantly think about. My roommate has three kids... my little brother and his wife had a beautiful daughter just last October.

 

Now while I do in fact have friends around my age that also don't have kids yet, they tend to have significantly better luck with females than what I have and thus are much more likely to have children in the future, should they decide they want to.

 

I have this scenario I've played out in my head over the years.. It consists of me breaking down in tears of joy upon seeing my son or daughter for the first time.... holding them... caring for them.

 

I truly fear I will never be able to live that dream out in reality.

[joebloggs]

As a 30 something male there are similar pressures, not so much from my biological clock but more from eager friends and family that relish weddings and christenings. I have now got the stage where if I meet the women of my dreams then great, if not, I can also live with that.

[JadedStar]

My list.

Married: Nope

Kids: One son.

Career: Yep, I love it.

Own a house: No and don't care if I ever do or not.

In a relationship: Yes, a nice one.

In debt: Yes. Got student loans up the butt.

Happy: Yes, for the most part.

Healthy: As far as I know.

Savings: ROTFLMAO

 

 

I laughed my butt off at your answer for 'savings'. LOL

[stereoeclectic]

i'm in my 30s. i spent my 20s in a couple relationships that didn't pan out.

 

back in the dating scene last year, i decided the pool had evaporated to the point that it wasn't worth it.

 

so i opted out. i don't know if i'm done dating for good, but it's possible.

 

but on a positive note, since i have turned 30, i have lost 110 pounds, quit smoking, and have gotten in shape. so i probably feel better than i did in my 20s. i'm very grateful for this.

 

30s are fine by me.

[stereoeclectic]

I am 32. And I accomplished having the family. Which I would not change for the world! However, by doing so I put career on the back burner and I now regret that. SO I am a 32 year old college student now. Hoping that sometime within the next 5 years I can be a teacher. Who knows??

 

congratulations. my parents both teach, and they find it very rewarding.

[LAYAAN]

hello everyone,

great thread. I will turn 30 soon. sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where the hell all these years go. I'm not in a relationship. I understand the importance of having a companion in life but I'm not yet convinced that I want kids. I feel like I haven't lived my life yet. I want to complete my doctoral degree, get a job. I have no educational/credit card debt what so ever My worry is b'coz I'm not yet sure about having kids its turning men away from me. sigh... I can surely use words of wisdom.