When a guy says your amazing but " does not want a relationship?"

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Whatever meaning that line has to those who say it doesn't matter too much.As long as you hear this then move on.

[poloplayer]

Whatever meaning that line has to those who say it doesn't matter too much.As long as you hear this then move on.

 

I agree - I think that's the best advice in this situation. Analyzing the cause and details behind the line would give anyone a headache, but the bottom line is that they don't want a relationship.

 

As tempting as it might be, I think it's best to forget about him in this situation.

[renaissancewoman101]

It takes gumption to walk away from a situation like that. How do you guys manage to do it, especially when it breaks your heart to do so?

[annie24]

It takes gumption to walk away from a situation like that. How do you guys manage to do it, especially when it breaks your heart to do so?

 

it's like ripping off a bandaid - easier to do it fast and get it over with rather than slowly peeling it and having it hurt for a while.

 

the shorter a relationship is, the easier it is to move on, at least, that's my general experience. if a guy told you he's not into a relationship with you, you can either a - take him at his word and move on, or b - hope for weeks, months, years that he changes his mind.... and hang onto that slim hope, but then you don't have the opportunity to meet other men, etc....

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ren sometimes it's hard. But in most cases, the person may not get the msg right away, but after a few times of feeling crushed by the guy, and him literally showing you he doesn't want more, will definatly make it a bit more easier to take that step and walk away from it all. In hopes (and you probably will) find someone better along the line.

[browneyedgirl36]

it's like ripping off a bandaid - easier to do it fast and get it over with rather than slowly peeling it and having it hurt for a while.

 

the shorter a relationship is, the easier it is to move on, at least, that's my general experience. if a guy told you he's not into a relationship with you, you can either a - take him at his word and move on, or b - hope for weeks, months, years that he changes his mind.... and hang onto that slim hope, but then you don't have the opportunity to meet other men, etc....

 

Yep. I think of all the men I missed out on because I was hanging on to a guy that really wanted to be with someone else all along. It makes me sick and sad to even think about how long I hung on, thinking things would change. It hurts to walk away, but it hurts more to be stuck in limbo with the sick feeling that the guy is most likely NEVER going to be with you.

[renaissancewoman101]

What about those people who have such a hard time finding someone who will date them or even want to be with them?

 

That each person that has a relationship with them is like the rarest of treasures.

[annie24]

What about those people who have such a hard time finding someone who will date them or even want to be with them?

 

all the more reason not to hang onto a fantasy relationship.

[browneyedgirl36]

all the more reason not to hang onto a fantasy relationship.

 

I agree, Annie.

 

Ren, I haven't had a ton of relationships -- in fact, I've had very few, not because no one wants to date me, but more because, for a very long time, I didn't make myself available (self-image issues, fear of rejection, etc. kept me from putting myself "out there"). As I've gotten older (I'm 37), it's gotten harder and harder to find decent guys that I am attracted to and vice versa. Now, I really WANT to put myself out there, but I have no idea where to meet people, and I often wonder if I will be able to find anyone; however, that doesn't mean that I should hang on to someone who isn't "into me" (and, in fact, is "into" someone else) hoping and praying that he'll change his mind.

 

I understand what you're saying -- I really do. But, the "someone is better than no one" notion is what got me into trouble with the last ex, I think. I KNEW deep down that we weren't going to be together, but I kept hanging on (all the mixed signals he sent didn't help), partly because I was afraid I'd never find anyone else. (Of course, I really cared about him too.) You know what? I don't know if I'll ever find anyone else, and that thought makes me sad, but...how much sadder is it for me to settle for being someone's "consolation prize" when he really wants someone else? I deserve to be someone's first choice, NOT someone he "settles" for because he can't have who he really wants. And, I deserve better than to settle for someone who really isn't all that into me just because I fear I MIGHT not find anyone else.

 

In my case, he pretty much made my choice for me, anyway. He went back to his ex. He and I were no longer seeing each other at that point, so he didn't dump me for her -- I pretty much cut him off and told him we couldn't be intimate and such anymore because he didn't know what he wanted from me -- but it still hurt me tremendously that he went back to her. It's kind of a relief, though. Now, I have no choice but to let him go, which is the best thing for me.

 

I admit, I really hope to find someone else, and I am often scared and sad at the thought that I may not. It's not a good reason to keep hanging on to someone, though.

[renaissancewoman101]

How did you keep yourself from putting yourself "out there"? Didn't you socialize, go out and do things, etc., and meet guys along the way? That's how I did it with my last two relationships. My first relationship, I met at school. We lasted about 6 years and we are still very close friends right now. My second and most recent relationship, we met at a Ren faire event (something we were both very into).

 

I cling to old things, things long past their prime, whether it is memories, friends, and old relationships. I don't like to relinquish things becuase I am afraid of regret down the road.

 

I am odd.

[browneyedgirl36]

How did you keep yourself from putting yourself "out there"? Didn't you socialize, go out and do things, etc., and meet guys along the way? That's how I did it with my last two relationships. My first relationship, I met at school. We lasted about 6 years and we are still very close friends right now. My second and most recent relationship, we met at a Ren faire event (something we were both very into).

 

I cling to old things, things long past their prime, whether it is memories, friends, and old relationships. I don't like to relinquish things becuase I am afraid of regret down the road.

 

I am odd.

 

I guess I didn't socialize much. I stuck with my married friends who didn't go out a lot. I stayed home a lot, didn't try new things or put myself in new situations. I went a LONG time without a date; I was so down on myself for the longest time -- I had NO confidence with men, and if any men did look at me or approach me, they were usually NOT good quality ones. A lot has changed for me in the last few years, though. I really feel better about myself and see myself in a totally different way. I'm a lot more confident, and as a result, I've had more relationships and dates in the last 5 years than I had in the 10 years prior to that. Still, I'm not much of a "go-getter" -- I'm old fashioned about dating -- I won't pursue a guy, I won't ask a guy out, I don't hang out at bars, etc. And, I have yet to try online dating. I just don't know if it's for me. So...I'm not really sure where to meet people. That's the tricky part!

 

I know what you mean about clinging to past relationships. I don't think you're odd; I think a lot of us do it to some extent. We do it because we fear letting go and leaping into the present and future, which are uncertain and so much more risky. Also, if we don't feel we have a lot going on in our lives in the present, it's tempting to re-visit the past just to have *something* going on. That's why creating an enjoyable life for yourself in the present -- whether you have a partner or not - is very important. I actually enjoy most aspects of my life, and I do a lot of little stuff to make things good for myself -- little things that may seem silly to some people. For example, I can't see my family at Easter, so I'm going to make myself a nice dinner, and yes, I'm dyeing some eggs, which I will later make into egg salad. I recently took a vacation by myself, too, which was very relaxing and restorative.

 

It really is all about how you perceive things. If, for example, I saw my recent vacation as me "going on vacation ALONE" I might focus on the aspect of having no one (a man) to go with. Instead, I looked at it as "treating myself to a vacation," and it was the best thing I could have done for myself right now.

[LostTranslation]

I have and it was because she was moving too fast. Pretty hard to be blunt about that and come off offensive. Too serious too fast

[luxe_13]

I have and it was because she was moving too fast. Pretty hard to be blunt about that and come off offensive. Too serious too fast

 

so did that make you want to end it or did you still want her in your life but perhaps in not such a serious way.

 

what if it were all or nothing?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The problem with 'I don't want to be in a relationship right now' is that it is a generic statement that leaves off the 'why' as in 'so why don't you want to be in a relationship?', which is the most important thing to know! Lots of people hide behind this generic statement because they are stalling and know the 'why' may not be palatable to the person they are seeing.

 

It could mean any of the following. i don't want to be in a relationship because:

 

I'm a player and am seeing lots of women.

I want to have sex but don't want a girlfriend.

I like you, but you're not what i really want long term.

I already have a girlfriend and want sex on the side with you.

I have an ex i want to get back with and will drop you if she shows up.

I don't like to be accountable to anybody for my time.

I am selfish and don't want the responsibility.

I want to leave my options open in case someone better comes along.

I don't like to be tied down to anybody, ever.

You are getting serious too fast and i want to slow it down.

 

So the generic statement alone is not sufficient to give you the information you need. But the reality is that MOST of the real 'why's behind that statement do not bode well for the person hearing that statement. Most are negative and mean the person is not really open to you, rather just protecting their own interests.

 

The guy who said this to me turned out to be a LOT of those negative behind the scenes reasons. He was a player, juggling several women, had a steady girlfriend and and lied about that to the women on the side, wanted the sex but not the responsibility. But of course if he admits that, you're out the door immediately, and if he wants the sex and he's selfish he wants to keep you around.

 

So if i hear that from a guy, my response is first to ask him why and see if i get a straight answer, and if it is anything other than i'm scared it's moving too fast (or he he waffles on the anwers), i'm gone because it is bound to be one of those negative reasons he is NOT mentioning.

[BetterKarma]

I had an ex who was sleeping with this other woman when he met me. He had told her that he didn't want a relationship and just wanted to be single. As soon as he met me, he told her that he can't see her anymore and that he is officially dating someone. She kept writing emails and calling him afterwards to argue with him that he had told her that he didn't want a girlfriend.

 

From that experience on, I realized that when a guy tells you that he doesn't want a relationship right now means, I'm not that into you, but would love to sleep/hang out with you as a psuedo girlfriend until someone I really like comes along. So, yeah....umm....NEXT!!

[Addicus]

How silly of me.....my ex told me I was amazing all the time...for about 3 weeks before she dumped me! Now I will be clued in when someone says the same thing to me in the future....and I just thought she was being open and honest and really liked me....hhmmm

[poloplayer]

It could mean any of the following. i don't want to be in a relationship because:

 

I'm a player and am seeing lots of women.

I want to have sex but don't want a girlfriend.

I like you, but you're not what i really want long term.

I already have a girlfriend and want sex on the side with you.

I have an ex i want to get back with and will drop you if she shows up.

I don't like to be accountable to anybody for my time.

I am selfish and don't want the responsibility.

I want to leave my options open in case someone better comes along.

I don't like to be tied down to anybody, ever.

You are getting serious too fast and i want to slow it down.

Nice list of examples! That's why I think it's just better to try and forget about it all, because you will give yourself migraines trying to figure out which one of the above it really is. If you were to ever figure out which one it is, then what would you do anyway? You probably won't be able to convince the other person to change there mind.

 

I do think, however, that it would be nice to know which one it is to receive full closure as opposed to an open ended 'i don't want a relationship' but sometimes it doesn't work that way.

[Batya33]

I just always presumed - for self protection, that I should add "with you" to the end of the sentence "i dont' want a relationship right now." Beyond that it didn't much matter to my ego, and if I wanted to be with someone who was relationship-oriented and he wasn't I did not see him again. Most often I found that out early on because it was important to me.

 

I can think of examples where the guy would not want a relationship right then - perhaps he just started an intense academic program or a new job, in one case I remember the guy's ex girlfriend was about to give birth (but he did want a relationship with me anyway, lol).

 

My friend's husband first met her at a bar. He called her the next day and said he was newly broken up with a long term partner, could he please call her in two months and ask her out then because he wasn't in the right mindset. He didn't ask her to wait for him. He called, and 6 months later they got engaged.

 

But I still think it's better to presume it's about you unless there are really extreme circumstances.

[luxe_13]

i dont agree it's usually about "you"

 

only because i've been in the situation before where i was seeing someone but wasn't ready for him to be my boyfriend. I liked him, was attracted to him, loved hanging with him..but just wasn't ready.

 

he ended up breaking it off because he wanted more. a few months later i felt ready but by then it was too late.

 

so there you go - these things have a lot to do with timing. But i don't think there is a black and white answer for this dilemma. humans are way too complex and everyones situation is different.

[Batya33]

i dont agree it's usually about "you"

 

only because i've been in the situation before where i was seeing someone but wasn't ready for him to be my boyfriend. I liked him, was attracted to him, loved hanging with him..but just wasn't ready.

 

he ended up breaking it off because he wanted more. a few months later i felt ready but by then it was too late.

 

so there you go - these things have a lot to do with timing. But i don't think there is a black and white answer for this dilemma. humans are way too complex and everyones situation is different.

 

I disagree that the right mindset is to figure "oh it's not about me" because then, as typically happens, when you hear he is in a relationship with someone, it won't hurt so much.

 

I am not referring to when you feel that way - you know how you feel, it could be you're not ready, it could be otherwise.

 

In my experience (and the experience of all my friends, over many years) adding "with you" is almost always the true answer.

[Sadman84]

I'm talking to a few girls right now. A few if they wanted to i'd jump into a relationship with. But one, if she wanted to I'd give her this excuse, so to me, its just a copout, not sure about other guys. Think though, wouldn't you use this excuse on a guy if you weren't into him?

[LE DHUY NHUT]

It takes gumption to walk away from a situation like that. How do you guys manage to do it, especially when it breaks your heart to do so?

 

Because the other way is even more heartbreaking.Before you get too attached and then get nothing make your move early,accept your rejection if you get one,cut back most ties,and move on.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

i dont agree it's usually about "you"

 

only because i've been in the situation before where i was seeing someone but wasn't ready for him to be my boyfriend. I liked him, was attracted to him, loved hanging with him..but just wasn't ready.

 

he ended up breaking it off because he wanted more. a few months later i felt ready but by then it was too late.

 

so there you go - these things have a lot to do with timing. But i don't think there is a black and white answer for this dilemma. humans are way too complex and everyones situation is different.

 

Well timing is key because many people will not stick around until you're ready,but if you're single and meet someone you really,really like then you better MAKE yourself be ready,grab your chance or lose it all.I think that this line is so 'abused' that when a person like you who means it uses it then the other person might not believe you.

[lost77]

I need some advice. So this guy that I recently met have been texting the entire weekend, like he would text me in the morning and our conversations would last all day. I had told him I thought he was hot and then he later told me that he was starting to like me. He was flirting with me the whole weekend (and i was too) and saying how he wanted to cuddle and etc and how much he enjoyed talking to me. He also kept asking me what i liked about him.

 

Today him and i hung out and i thought it felt a little awkward, but he later texted me how he enjoyed hanging out and started asking me what i like about him. after telling him, i asked him what he liked about me in the same format that he had been asking me. He gives me some compliments, but then says he's not looking for a relationship. confused and a little hurt, it asked him why he had been flirting so heavily with me. He said it was because he was going to basic training after high school in 6 months and wants to be single and that he's not very good with relationships.

 

please help me out! i dont know what to do or how to respond to this

[Thorshammer]

When I told a girl I didnt want a relationship, it meant I didnt want one with them. They didnt meet what I wanted in a girlfriend, but I kept them around for the company, or for the sexual intimacy.