How would you feel?

[RayKay]

Now, aside from my mess. Let me ask you all this question.

 

Would it be OKAY with you, if your partner was "running" with another boy/girl? Lets not say it's a girl your SO cheated on you with. Someone he claims is a 'friend'

 

Why or why not? Explain.

 

Answer aside from my problem, how that would make you feel. Is that appropriate in a relationship?

 

Yes. My partner and I both run, or bike, or go climbing, or do overnight training for adventure races with people of the opposite sex.

 

For us, it's all about training & friendship and working with our teammates. Not hitting on them, cheating or being disrespectful to our partner at all...

 

We are both athletes, and met as athletes with our own training partners & hobbies and neither of us feels there is anything wrong with that at all. I would not even DREAM of asking him to stop training with a female friend (if he had cheated with her that is another matter; but I would not remain with him if he had either).

 

Sometimes we are both there, but often we are doing a lot of it separately too. For example, he goes climbing almost every Wednesday with a female climbing buddy at the gym. I often train with my adventure racing team whom are male. He also had an adventure racing team with a couple females. There are other times where it may be hours, or even overnight. Last year for example he went on a 20 hour hike with a couple females (I could not go) and had quite the adventure due to a tornado that came through! I have gone away for an overnight to do night training with my teammates too.

 

Some people said any friend has the potential to be an "affair"....maybe (but they could also have an affair with someone they met at work, or off the street or who knows where else if they have those kind of values (or lack of)), but that also requires your partner to cross those boundaries. I sure would not, and I trust my partner won't either. We are honest with one another and committed to one another. We are not out of control of our actions. If hypothetically he DID, I would walk away. That would be his loss and his mistake. Not mine for trusting him. If you have to control someone to trust them...it begs the question of why are you even with them? No thanks!

 

We have all met one another, don't hide it from one another and trust one another & don't have a history of cheating and lying. That is the difference from your situation.

[EQD]

And quite frankly, you're waaaaay too pretty for him. You seem waaaay out of his league.

 

I agree with 'they shouldnt be together' but... its thoughts like 'you are way out of his league because you are pretty'

... thats pretty superficial advice.. imo.

and should not be followed by anyone.

*startled yet respectfully*

[amtjrtcet]

I agree with 'they shouldnt be together' but... its thoughts like 'you are way out of his league because you are pretty'

... thats pretty superficial advice.. imo.

and should not be followed by anyone.

*startled yet respectfully*

 

Oh please I'm simply stating my opinion with specific regards to BARBIE and HER MAN, no one else. I'm not just referring to her beauty as a reason for her being out of his league. Her as a whole, her beauty, her loyalty, her respect, its all waaay out of his league.

[EQD]

Oh please I'm simply stating my opinion with specific regards to BARBIE and HER MAN, no one else. I'm not just referring to her beauty as a reason for her being out of his league. Her as a whole, her beauty, her loyalty, her respect, its all waaay out of his league.

 

thats fine and good.. but what about her raging insecurity?

i mean. i am sure she is a good person but right now i think she needs to take serious downtime from relationships to get that all worked out.

And also figure out why all the men she has been with have cheated.

She may have a knack for picking them, or she could be driving them to do it by way of smothering.

[Mavh25]

Oh please I'm simply stating my opinion with specific regards to BARBIE and HER MAN, no one else. I'm not just referring to her beauty as a reason for her being out of his league. Her as a whole, her beauty, her loyalty, her respect, its all waaay out of his league.

 

100% agreed. Nothing superficial about it. He's disrespecting her completely and she is out of his league in all senses and does not deserve her

 

He cheated on her, Equestrian, her insecurity did'nt just strangely pop out a toilet somewhere. Maybe she does need a break, but does'nt take the fact that she can do 1 million times better.

[amtjrtcet]

thats fine and good.. but what about her raging insecurity?

i mean. i am sure she is a good person but right now i think she needs to take serious downtime from relationships to get that all worked out.

And also figure out why all the men she has been with have cheated.

She may have a knack for picking them, or she could be driving them to do it by way of smothering.

 

But regardless of her insecurities, no one EVER deserves to be lied to or cheated on. NO ONE. I don't care what the situation. So, the fact that he's done those things repeatedly makes him scum and she's too good for scum.

 

When someone lies to you, cheats on you, disrespects you its about them and their problem, not about you. But that being said, if you continue to allow them to lie, cheat, and disrespect you, then its about you and your problem.

 

Barbie, it doesn't get better. If he's like this now, just imagine him 10 times worse 10 years from now.

[EQD]

But regardless of her insecurities, no one EVER deserves to be lied to or cheated on. NO ONE. I don't care what the situation. So, the fact that he's done those things repeatedly makes him scum and she's too good for scum.

 

When someone lies to you, cheats on you, disrespects you its about them and their problem, not about you. But that being said, if you continue to allow them to lie, cheat, and disrespect you, then its about you and your problem.

 

Barbie, it doesn't get better. If he's like this now, just imagine him 10 times worse 10 years from now.

 

forgive me if i am wrong... because i havent read all of her threads completely.. but i missed the part where he actually cheated...

Either way.. she has already said he is a liar.. he has lied, regardless of the intention it is a strike against the man.. and this is not a very good situation to be in when you are recovering from a long line of being cheated on.

i do think as the above poster wrote. This entire situation is going to go down in flames if you keep this relationship going.

Sometimes its better to forget what dido said and NOT go down with the ship.

i hope you understand this..

[tsarevnaelena]

100% agreed. Nothing superficial about it. He's disrespecting her completely and she is out of his league in all senses and does not deserve her

 

Just my opinion, but that sounds better than "OMG you're gorgeous you can do so much better because you deserve it." If Barbie had the same personality but looked like Rosie O'Donnell, would it mean that she didn't deserve better? To me, pretty doesn't necessarily entitle you to anything. Barbie excluded because she seems very nice. But that other comment made it seem like ... I don't know. It's getting a little off-topic.

 

To answer the question, I'm torn. On one hand, my very best friend is a guy. We've slept over at each other's houses, we've hung out and we've never hooked up. We've both had SO's who did and did not have issues with it. Interestingly enough, the SO's who did NOT have issues with it were the ones who kicked US to the curb, so ... Anyway, I'd be annoyed if my best friend got a girlfriend who was so insecure that she didn't want him to spend any time with me. I get that a gf has to come first, but he's my friend and there's a chance I'll be around longer than the gf.

 

But on the other hand, I'm not the most secure person in the world either. The guy I'm sort of seeing dated three girls who work with him. One doesn't talk to him at all, one he only sees occasionally and the other he works closely with. I'd be lying to say that I don't feel some type of way about that. He and the last girl had an argument and it was pretty obvious from what he told me about it that she still has feelings for him. But the bottom line is, I can't control him or her. I have to just trust him until he gives me a reason not to. I can't not be concerned about the situation, but so far he's given me no reason to believe that he wants to go back to that girl or any of the others he's been with.

 

So if running was his thing and he had a girl partner he did it with, I wouldn't be thrilled but trying to "forbid" him from doing it wouldn't work, IMO.

[amtjrtcet]

forgive me if i am wrong... because i havent read all of her threads completely.. but i missed the part where he actually cheated...

Either way.. she has already said he is a liar.. he has lied, regardless of the intention it is a strike against the man.. and this is not a very good situation to be in when you are recovering from a long line of being cheated on.

i do think as the above poster wrote. This entire situation is going to go down in flames if you keep this relationship going.

Sometimes its better to forget what dido said and NOT go down with the ship.

i hope you understand this..[/QUOTE]

 

huh? *scratches head*

[Miss Firecracker]

What is, going jogging with another female?

 

Wow.

 

You can't be the only woman in your partners life, but you can be the only woman he loves.

 

I think again, this all just boils down to trust. If you think that your boyfriend will forget everything about you two, and end up with another woman by doing something as simple as going jogging together, then he is either a complete and utter rat, or you have trust issues.

 

 

I think at the end of the day, its down to you to decide if you trust him or not.

 

 

What I am saying is that when you are raised seeing things done one way, you sort of adopt those ideas for your own marriage. It's just the way our parents were, the way their parents were. It's how all my aunts did it and his aunts did it. So for us it was a natural thing, what marriage meant to us.

 

It's the same thing here with living together before marriage. It isn't what people normally do, an exception. Yes, I live in the DEEP SOUTH!

 

We live in the big city of Nashville now, and I am sure things are different here. But I came from a small town in the DEEPER SOUTH.

[agent1607307371]

I never understand these threads, mainly because then the question arises, who can I (as a bi girl) run with then?

 

 

I personally have no problem with partners having friends of the opposite sex, or of the sex they are attracted to.

 

But in your case there's no trust. Should you just not be in a relationshup with this guy?

Or is the lack of trust deserved? In which case, why do you want to be with him?

 

Your relationship shouldn't give you an ulcer.

[EQD]

 

huh? *scratches head*

 

lyrics to dido's whiteflag.. its about a woman who is so hopelessly in love she wont let go.. and will "go down with this ship"

thats romantic and all.. but you have to know when to let it go.

i think barbie is stuck in the "we will get married no matter what" mode.

as Ghost pointed out.

"she has confronted this guy enough on other stuff. i'm sure all this is going to get turned around and barbie is going to feel like it's her fault again. this guy will escape it again as usual. he will be a sweetheart for 6/7 days and we will read about it. then something like this will happen again. the circle is complete once more"

[JadedStar]

Barbie i think what happened here, and I am not letting lover boy off the hook at all, but what seems to have happened is he is friends with this girl and she runs track. He likes to run track. He wanted to run track and you got very upset and said no because GIRLS are there. He instead of being open and honest with you and said Look, you can't control what hobbies i have he instead LIES to you and says he is joining a different group, golf.

 

It was cowardly of him to do, BUT, you are not blameless either. You should never have thrown a tantrum over him wanting to run track. You could have supported his hobby and if you felt squirrely you could have gone to some meets to show him support.

 

Both of you are crazy insecure and this is never going to work.

[EQD]

Absolutely.. positively.. 110% agree with the JadedStar.. every bit of it

Its like guys and porn, girl gets mad for guy watching porn. Guy likes porn, hides it now..

[amtjrtcet]

lyrics to dido's whiteflag.. its about a woman who is so hopelessly in love she wont let go.. and will "go down with this ship"

thats romantic and all.. but you have to know when to let it go.

i think barbie is stuck in the "we will get married no matter what" mode.

as Ghost pointed out.

"she has confronted this guy enough on other stuff. i'm sure all this is going to get turned around and barbie is going to feel like it's her fault again. this guy will escape it again as usual. he will be a sweetheart for 6/7 days and we will read about it. then something like this will happen again. the circle is complete once more"

 

OH! ok, I get it

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't understand this whole thing. I could have sworn Barbie said this man had actually cheated on her with this woman. Did he not?

[JeckyllNHyde]

Would it be OKAY with you, if your partner was "running" with another boy/girl? Lets not say it's a girl your SO cheated on you with. Someone he claims is a 'friend'

 

Why or why not? Explain.

 

Answer aside from my problem, how that would make you feel. Is that appropriate in a relationship?

 

Some girl/friend he did NOT cheat on me with?

Heck yes.. Why not? How many people don't have male and female friends, are in relationships and DON'T cheat? Alot!

To me that's^^^^ a healthy relationship: one where you can your SO can both have male and female friends, and the partner has nothing to worry about b/c they know they can trust you and you have never done anything to break their trust. For instance, if I had male friends/as around guys, and didn't cheat on my SO I would expect the same in return.

 

But to clear up: I wouldn't be comfy if they where being touchy feely nor if there was a flirty vibe going on. IMO they are practising running so that's all they should be doing... ah yes and talking and whatnot too is a given.

 

So let's just say my final answer is: yes, I would be ok with it just as long as my bf had never broken my trust and so long as I knew *I* am the only girl he wants. Whether he has shown me thru action and/or words...

[Gratsy]

It depends on a lot of variables. If it was his cousin, or someone that was married, sure. But if he was a cheater, I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I'm with people I trust and don't have to worry about.

 

I think its okay for guys to have girls that are friends, but not close ones.

[barbielovesmac]

this is NOT the girl that he cheated on me with. this is the girl that i talk about in ALL my previous threads.

 

and to clear up some other things. we arent getting married anymore. have i broke up with him, no.

[tiredofvampires]

ever given you any reason to distrust them. If your relationship is stable and loving, it doesn't matter. The whole "this is how affairs happen" isn't because of this situation, it's because something is flawed in YOUR relationship.

 

This pretty much sums up how I feel. I have had this off-center attitude on here before though: if I had a reason to distrust my partner in any way, I wouldn't BE with them. I assume innocence before proven guilty, and until then, people are free to enjoy the company of anyone they feel to be friend material. I am someone who loves people, not just WOMEN, as friends, and I'd feel it confining and unfair to ask me to stop associating with the opposite sex. Hey, I get a lot of great feedback from the male species that women just don't give me, and one of my hobbies is TALKING (lol, and well, listening!), so for me it might not just be jogging, it might also include coffee afterwards.

 

I have written more than one thread on this topic, as it was one of the things that broke me and my bf up. He felt very threatened by my male friendships, even though I KNEW I wasn't going to cheat. I was in it with him, hook, line and sinker for othe duration, but because he asked me to stop seeing a friend of mine and choose him, I felt trapped in a corner. I don't think that love and loyalty and fidelity means being chained to that person as your only opposite sex companion. Your only SEX companion yes, for me anyway, because I'm monogamous. But outside of that, there is just too much richness in life and people to limit myself in sharing various interests, POVs, etc.

 

Can an affair start this way? Sure. But I am not going to live like Chicken Little, waiting for the sky to fall. I am not going to try to live "preventively". I have not had someone cheat on me (or at least, I don't think so), but even if that happened, my views would not change on this. I believe trust is broken when the relationship is broken somehow, you don't just cheat one day when you are absolutely grateful, happy, satisfied and grooving, with your partner. So that is where my focus is going to go, making my relationship as solid and loving and satisfying as I can, and then deal with life as it happens. IF he cheats, I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but it may never happen, and my preventing him from experiencing other kinds of human interaction in the meanwhile, simply out of my jealousy, isn't fair. Life's too short to be living in fear like that.

[amtjrtcet]

this is NOT the girl that he cheated on me with. this is the girl that i talk about in ALL my previous threads.

 

but he DID cheat on you before right?

[EQD]

this is NOT the girl that he cheated on me with. this is the girl that i talk about in ALL my previous threads.

 

.. holy crap.. so he DID cheat on you before?

That in itself.. i cannot understand why you are still with him now..

it makes no sense to me

*bumfuzzled*

[barbielovesmac]

but he DID cheat on you before right?

 

yes and no. it's confusing. i say it was cheating and he says it wasn't. he says i broke up with him before he kissed her but i say i didn't. this was over a year ago.

[midnightrambler]

.. holy crap.. so he DID cheat on you before?

That in itself.. i cannot understand why you are still with him now..

it makes no sense to me

*bumfuzzled*

 

forgiveness is a wonderful virtue

[Miss Firecracker]

Well, Barbie, there are 66 threads. I haven't read all of them.

 

I am guessing you just have a gut feeling that there is something between them. You may be right, and you may be wrong. Hard when you feel this way I'm sure. It must hurt terribly.