How would you feel?

[Gratsy]

forgiveness is a wonderful virtue

 

Forgiveness and choosing to stay with someone are often two very different things.

[ryan123]

Now, aside from my mess. Let me ask you all this question.

 

Would it be OKAY with you, if your partner was "running" with another boy/girl? Lets not say it's a girl your SO cheated on you with. Someone he claims is a 'friend'

 

Why or why not? Explain.

 

Answer aside from my problem, how that would make you feel. Is that appropriate in a relationship?

 

Well since I read your other post I know he was lying to you about it. And thats just disrespectful regardless of whether or not hes trying to protect your feelings and stop a fight. To me thats even more disrespectful in the sense that your partner thinks you're that irrational that they know you'd get mad and that they need to sugar-coat the truth for you because they don't know how you'd react. Thats almost like being with someone just because you don't want to hurt their feelings and break-up with them. Maybe not as severe, but yeah. On the other hand they could be hiding it from you not because they think you'd overreact but because they're doing something sneaky. Which is worse.

 

My girlfriend tells me everything she does, not because ive forced her to, but just because we're both honest with each other and we have a mutual respect for each other that wouldn't allow for one of us to lie to the other about doing something, regardless if its malicious or harmless.

 

So if she were to keep that from me, i'd suspect something bad was happening.

 

But to answer your question. If I couldn't go with her and she really needed company to stay motivated, sure. She would be under a watchful eye, not like stalking, just like questions and stuff. I'd have to meet the guy first of all and see how they act together. If I suspected he or she had any feelings of attraction for each other, absolutely not. If they dated, absolutely not. If they just had a sexual relationship and nothing emotional, i'd say yes i'd allow it, but she'd be under more of a watch and they couldn't go to like a dinner and a movie of some sort after, strictly their hobbie and if they want to hang out socially, i'd have to be there.

 

Personally i'd go running with them.

[amtjrtcet]

yes and no. it's confusing. i say it was cheating and he says it wasn't. he says i broke up with him before he kissed her but i say i didn't. this was over a year ago.

 

Well if he did cheat on you, or something close to it, no wonder you have your insecurities.

 

Do you really want to marry someone that you'll be forever questioning? Forever is a long time.

[EQD]

yes and no. it's confusing. i say it was cheating and he says it wasn't. he says i broke up with him before he kissed her but i say i didn't. this was over a year ago.

 

... okay.. so he didnt have sex with anyone and its disputed whether the kiss happened pre or post breakup.. thats not as bad as you made it sound

*catches breath of relief*

so my next Q here is:

If you cant trust anyone how do you expect to keep a healthy relationship?

And how do you expect a marriage to work??

[JeckyllNHyde]

I would have no problem with my fiance running with a female friend. Just as I expect he would not care if I went running with a male friend.

 

If he had cheated on me we would no longer be together so that would not be an issue. I couldn't be with someone I had to police, follow, snoop on, and check out constantly. I don't need or want that kind of nonsense in my life- there is no place for it.

I trust him because we have been honest with each other, are respectful to one another, and we don't try to control one another.

 

I have no reason not to trust him because he is honest, open and his actions are consistent with his words, and he's never given me reason not to trust him.

 

I like this part that Hope wrote. It pretty much sums up my opinion on things and how I would want thing to be. Especially the part about me not having to police, forbid and snoop when it comes to my SO.

[barbielovesmac]

it hurts like heck. i don't know what to think.

 

he had NO problem telling me had feelings for another girl (the girl he cheated on me with) so, if he had feelings for her, or something was going on. i don't think he'd have a problem telling me. he's had every opportunity to get with her, but he never has. soo none of it makes sense. but i think this applies more to my other post ... which i have updated.

[midnightrambler]

yes and no. it's confusing. i say it was cheating and he says it wasn't. he says i broke up with him before he kissed her but i say i didn't. this was over a year ago.

 

who casts the deciding vote? who wants to deal with technicalities?

[JadedStar]

Well, Barbie, there are 66 threads. I haven't read all of them.

 

I am guessing you just have a gut feeling that there is something between them. You may be right, and you may be wrong. Hard when you feel this way I'm sure. It must hurt terribly.

 

And there are many deleted threads too. I also could have sworn she stated this was the girl he cheated on her with.

 

It doesn't even matter at this point because mistrust is wrought all thru this.

 

Barbie, what this has boiled down to is a pattern. He will do this. YOu know that now. You have to decide one of two things. Leave him, or stay and not expect much change. If you can live with him as is then go for it. If you are hoping for change, it's not happening.

 

It is your decision. If you choose to stay i suggest you start thinking about the pro's vs con's because the couple of con's on the list are big ones so the pros will have to be heavily weighted to even come close to some sort of balance.

 

To be honestt I don't think there is any other advice that can be given at this point. You stay or leave, and if you stay you have to know it wont' change.

[barbielovesmac]

... okay.. so he didnt have sex with anyone and its disputed whether the kiss happened pre or post breakup.. thats not as bad as you made it sound

*catches breath of relief*

so my next Q here is:

If you cant trust anyone how do you expect to keep a healthy relationship?

And how do you expect a marriage to work??

 

we aren't getting married anymore. as of now, engagement is off.

[midnightrambler]

Forgiveness and choosing to stay with someone are often two very different things.

 

i hope i can telll the difference

[barbielovesmac]

all this applies to my other post. im going to take this there.

[JeckyllNHyde]

... okay.. so he didnt have sex with anyone and its disputed whether the kiss happened pre or post breakup.. thats not as bad as you made it sound

*catches breath of relief*

so my next Q here is:

If you cant trust anyone how do you expect to keep a healthy relationship?

And how do you expect a marriage to work??

 

Exactly. Barbie, one day your bf is going to be working etc right? So he IS going to be working with women whether you want him to or not. How the heck are you going to handle being with someone like him and knowing he is around girls/women??? Snoop? Forbid him to work? Call evry half hour?

You NEED someone trustworthy. Not someone who will make you question them and break your self esteem down.

[EQD]

we aren't getting married anymore. as of now, engagement is off.

 

okay but what about the first part?

how can you even hope to have a healthy relationship with anyone if you are in pieces about him wanting to run track??

[Gratsy]

i hope i can telll the difference

 

For your sake, me to. But, basically forgiving somene is choosing to say that you no longer wish that they should be punished for the things that they've done wrong.

 

Choosing to not stay with someone who has cheated on you is just plain smart because people don't deserve to be put through that pain. THe essential component of a relationship should be trust.

[midnightrambler]

For your sake, me to. But, basically forgiving somene is choosing to say that you no longer wish that they should be punished for the things that they've done wrong.

 

Choosing to not stay with someone who has cheated on you is just plain smart because people don't deserve to be put through that pain. THe essential component of a relationship should be trust.

 

 

 

people do it all the time

[Gratsy]

it hurts like heck. i don't know what to think.

 

he had NO problem telling me had feelings for another girl (the girl he cheated on me with) so, if he had feelings for her, or something was going on. i don't think he'd have a problem telling me. he's had every opportunity to get with her, but he never has. soo none of it makes sense. but i think this applies more to my other post ... which i have updated.

 

 

I think you're in a mess right now. Take each day calmly and try to divorce yourself from your emotions. Go to family and friends for advice on your situation. You'll be fine eventually, but this is a sticky situation. I agree with the poster who made the comment on self esteem. You're beautiful and you don't need someone who will make you insecure.

[barbielovesmac]

this is the girl that i am reffering to in the "boyfriends voicemails" thread.

 

and yes, you're right i am a mess right now.

 

i called my sister this morning and we talked. it helped. she said she'd be mad ... but that she wouldn't overreact at the same time.

 

lastnight was horrible. he thought holding my hand was all the comfort that i needed. when really, i needed his heart to speak to me.

 

i am so thankful for this place, really.

[EQD]

The girl is not the issue here barbie. focus. you didnt even count in this girl at first as a threat when you told him you wouldnt want him running.

It was 'girls' in general.

[tiredofvampires]

I am not sure what you are classifying as cheating. If it was a kiss, during and interim between break-up and get back together, with a girl he was attracted to, I don't consider that cheating.

 

I have read some of your past posts, not all, but I got the feeling things went farther than that. I thought he had had an all-out affair with someone WHILE you were together.

 

If this was all that ever happened, a kiss during a suspension of the relationship, I wouldn't hold that against him. But it seems that there are other intrinsic issues within this relationship. THAT is what you have to work on. Asking him not to jog with someone is just slapping a bandaid on it. Later, when you are married, there will be something else. It WILL resurface, even if you forbid this.

 

And like Jeckyl and Hope, I would not want to be in a relationship where I have to "forbid" something and police them.

 

You need to focus on the root causes of his and your behaviors, and your dynamics. It sounds like from your other threads that that is not entirely harmonious, and so this is where you need to concentrate.

[tiredofvampires]

he had NO problem telling me had feelings for another girl (the girl he cheated on me with) so, if he had feelings for her, or something was going on. i don't think he'd have a problem telling me. he's had every opportunity to get with her, but he never has.

 

This to me would be a reassuring sign in a partner. Not that he had feelings for someone else, but that he was OPEN enough to tell me, so that I know exactly where we stand. If a partner says to me, "I had feelings for her, but I would not jeopardize our relationship over that, I love you way too much to lose you" then I am all his. People can't help their passing feels of attraction (let's face it, marriage doesn't mean being dead to all the opposite sex's vibes), what they can help is their honesty to their partner, their loyalty and priorities, not keeping secrets and acting with integrity. This is GOOD.

 

However, I am not clear on if he has a cheating past, and by that, I mean getting hot and heavy with another woman while in a committed relationship with you. If it is that, then honest or not about it, that is a huge problem to address before getting married.

[barbielovesmac]

it is HER. i didn't want to admit that. but it is just HER. i don't know what it is. maybe it's because she's so forbidden. i don't know. but it's her. i can handle him talking to other girls. hell, i know he does. and i talk to other guys. how can you not. but it's HER. i hate her! i really really don't care for her and it's simply because of him ... and all his lies.

[barbielovesmac]

Okay, here is what happened. I'll write it here in a nutshell so it's not so long.

 

We were together for TWO WEEKS. TWO WEEKS okay.

I had a sense that something was going on between him and another girl. Who happened to be my best guy friends chick. This guy was also my boyfriends best friend at the time. So it was a BIG MESS!

 

Anyways, my friend and I had sensed that something was going on. I finally confronted him and he cried to me that he had feelings for her .. but that he wanted me. that he didn't know what was going on. we were only two weeks in, so i was kind of like whatever. no loss, no big deal. i guess he took all this as me breaking up with him and i didn't.

 

Next day .... he's kissin on her and stuff. SOOOOOOO the rest is history.

[EQD]

it is HER. i didn't want to admit that. but it is just HER. i don't know what it is. maybe it's because she's so forbidden. i don't know. but it's her. i can handle him talking to other girls. hell, i know he does. and i talk to other guys. how can you not. but it's HER. i hate her! i really really don't care for her and it's simply because of him ... and all his lies.

 

i just want to post this again...

 

this was your previous thread...

 

"and it's not like i think he is only doing track so that he can cheat on me, i just don't want him around all those stinking girls ... girls ... girls. that's opportunity. they go out out of town trips .... all together ... overnight trips and i don't like that AT ALL."

 

"the real reason i don't want him running track is because i have this sick feeling that the 'girl from all my past threads' is running also. and that thought makes me ILL. it makes me absolutely ill. im not insecure with just 'any girl.' it's HER . .. it's HER! now, i don't know that she is on the team, but she's been on the team before ... so there is NO DOUBT in my mind that she is now."

 

 

yes.. you keep saying its her.. but really.. its about girls, and insecurity.

then you went on to say its not any girl, its her.

But you already admitted it was just 'any girl'

then you went from saying you didnt know she was on the team to

'i know she is on the team!'

... see that?

*realistically*

[JeckyllNHyde]

No Esq. I think Barbie is right that it's this one girl.

Maybe she worded it wrong. Well I hope so anyway.

But I would also be pretty damn insecure if my bf not only kissed a girl but also said a few days before he had feelings for her.

[EQD]

i mean. it may help to stop pointing fingers at everyone but yourself. *honestly*

look at yourself. look inside all of it. you are hurt from the past, you still carry it with you, and now you have paranoia and insecurity.. that is NOT a small problem barbie.

That is one hell of a big fish.

but the question now that you know all of this is:

what are you going to do about it?

its because of inaction that you are still writing up a storm on ENA about how you cant trust this guy. when is it going to change?

*empathetically*